My FEAR controls ME.... Help!

YES, you said it best when you said "Self Imprisonment" - for this is my own personal h*ll here on earth, a h*ll I cannot escape - not even in sleep for they follow me there.

Oh how I wish that the MEN of today was more like the men of yesterday.... loving, kind, concerned, compassion for another, unselfish, high morals and less fleshly desires winning out over their love - their one and only.

I too desire to have the surgery done, to make me look like what I now believe to be more important to my dear husband, due to his past mislead action.
Surgery: breast, tummy, thighs, butt, lipo suction, eye & face lift.... maybe the nose (?)

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Will no one come to my rescue - Will no one find me help.... I feel empty & lost, there is no relieve at hand - I need a friend.

Hi Rhapsody,

Your anxiety is strong just at the moment, and I can feel how it is for you. Believe me, this will get easier once you have some help lined up. Please do stick around here, as it does tend to get better if you keep talking to people who understand.

Stay with us, and you'll be able to look back on the crisis from a better place. I really believe that.

Peaceful thoughts, M

NIGHTLY THOUGHTS - WHAT DO you all THINK....

While I know my husband LOVES ME (and is sorry for the pain he caused me) I cannot seem to get past the thought that he would love me more (choose me only) if I looked as his fantasy girls do.... an impossible dream, for I have aged and the body has changed from giving birth to my husbands three kids.

Oh - to be able to walk out of my house and not have an anxiety attack when I see a YOUTHFUL SLENDER BEAUTY - one that I know my husband would look at and possibly lust over if he was there to.... my inner fears will be the death of me.

I HATE FEELING as though I have been REPLACED, if only in my mind and in his eyes.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

P.S.
I do not believe he would ever cheat on Me..... he NEVER has in the 20 years we have been married - well physically that is, mentally is another thing all together.

Edited.......
I moved this particular post back on my last post (one page back).


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Strange as it may seem, today I am feeling rational and able to understand and to cope with the bad feelings that live within me.... I just wish this stage would stay around a while, for more than just a couple of day, minutes or hours.

I could live and have a life out side my house with the type of mind I am having today.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

I wonder.... would he be better off without me here? - then he could be the worldly man that his flesh (and eye) calls out to be, instead of the Godly Man I thought I married, the one I once loved with all my heart and soul.... before the broken trust and safety was gone from our life, the great betrayal.

Do I stand in his way...... of being the REAL him - the one he would be if I was not around for him to have to worry about?

These are just my thoughts.... they ones that often leave me wondering about leaving.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

WOW!! - talk about mood swings.... now I am feeling as though I could care less if he goes a way (for good), looks at other girls or stays with me.... for all is well and I can handle any thing that is thrown at me.

I feel empowered, fully capable of taking on the world.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

WOW!!! - I had one of my attacks this morning and I was barely able to finish walking the lake with out being thrown into an all out battle of the wits and tears from with in.... and wouldn't you know it - it was hot today so all the young pretty slender females had on very little (not much covered) - Phooie Spit Spit.

Right or Wrong I took an extra Celexa to help ease my inner pain and to vanish the great void that was haunting me.... calling my old friend - DEATH.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Hi Rhapsody,

There seems to be a lot of anxiety for you at the moment. It must be horrible.

I always try to remember (when my anxiety arises) that it is not the particular context or phobia that is bothering me; it is the anxiety itself.

I know that this seems obvious but it's so hard to grasp when we are in the grip of the illness. One test is to ask myself how another person would feel about my particular worry. If I think they could handle it Ok, then this reminds me that it is the illness which is getting at me.

Somehow, it really helps to recognise and face down that old anxiety, each and every time it shows it's ugly mug.

I just say, "Oh, it's you again."

It's a trickster this illness, but it only has the same old tricks, and we can learn to recognise them and overcome them.

Good thoughts, M.

Oh Rhapsody. (((((((((((rhaps))))))))
Sorry you're feelin so bad.
Qoute for you....Some people make the world more special just by being in it! (Especially you rhapsody)
Estee

Thanks Myzen.... and I agree it is the illness that is getting to me and not the situation its self and yet the bad feelings just seem to come upon me (and quickly) rather I want them to intrude or not.... I can recognize the phobia / anxiety for what it is, but I cannot stop the despair that follows the reaction of seeing & feeling.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

P.S.
Thanks.... Estee - YOU are so SWEEEEEET.

There is a chance Im completely off base here. but. I think you should forget about his sorry *** and take care of yourself. Do stuff to make yourself fell good. He has you right where he wants you. If you seem less interested he will chase you more. SAd thatyou have to play those games but it is the way it is. Take walks. Buy a exercise bike. make a new friend. join a club. do stuff for yourself. you deserve it. I know you have kids and you still love him (do you?) but you dont have to go down on his sinking ship. You can try to help him without taking yourself down too. Just start with little things that will make you feel good. little things. a lip gloss. a movie. And just yhow old is he? Who does he think he's gonna get? My guess is he's not all that...

ROFL - you sound just like my MIND SignMeup....

Oh how many times I have said those exact things to my self.... but then I remember that I do love him and that he is trying, not to mention that we both have unresolved wounds that are subconsciously controlling us from with in - rather we realize it or not.
AND - then the BIG ONE.... I am so badly wounded and living in a h*ll house of anxiety / phobia right now that I cannot even consider the notion of coming out and getting a life.... for until I can get better inside LIFE would just KILL ME!! - or at least that is how it feels from my side of the world.

Boo Hoo -

BTW - he is 40 and I am 38.... he is trying to recover from a sexual addiction and I am trying to heal from my past wounds to the point that I may trust, love and live again.... all while trying to avoid any further upsets.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

WANTING to SHARE....

I am having a little anxiety over the Super Bowl game that is on tonight with all the sexy commercials my husband will get to see as he celebrates this game with all his male buddies at a friends house.... I am not going - I am staying home as to remain safe inside my heart & mind.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

oh honey, there millions of men looking at those girls and 99.99999% aint gonna get one. arent the commercicals mostly geckos and polar bears anyway..beauty is not the combination of anorexia and silicone the media is selling.You can calll what your husband does an illness. I think your husband is an insecure superficial immature damn fool and that you deserve so much better. youre a real sweetie..poo on him...

Hugs

Thank YOU Justsignmeup,

At times I totally agree with you and then at other times I can see his own struggles from his own inner fears and wounds - the circle of a crazy life.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Hello.... the Super Bowl is half way over (the party was canceled - so guys stayed home to watch it) and I have to say that it was not as bad as my anxiety (my fears) made me FEEL that it was going to be.

Guess it just goes to show you that our minds can (and will) play evil tricks on us when we are so badly wounded from with in. True healing needs to take place to save us....

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Wish ME luck tonight - for I will be venturing out of my house to go shoe shopping with my husband.... we will be probably end up at the MALL and that is a big stress point for me, great anxiety lies there for me and my eyes (young girls every where), not to mention my own wounded heart might get hurt.

While I am a little scared about tonight and I also glad - for this will be another opportunity for me to grow, trust and to heal some more, to heal from my own FEAR!

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Needing a little support this morning....

I was not able to get up and get out of the house this morning as I had planned, son needed to borrow the car, and now I am ready and waiting for him to return with my car so I can run a few errands.... now the problem - - - My mind has had a chance to ponder and to become fearful of what it will see when I am out and I am now getting afraid to venture from my home - HELP!! I need to get these things done today...

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Yeah, mine controls me too.

WOW!!! - Things have been going fairly good for me that I had not realized that an entire month has past since I last posted on this topic.... and while I still have inner fears - they are much more quiter now.
The medicine is defiantly working - 2 months on Celexa (20 mg) and my mind / thoughts are slowly retuning back to normal.

BTW - LoonyLoveGood, I still understand how you are feeling inside so please feel free to reply back if you need some support - or if you need.... PM me in private.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

DANG!!!! - that darn anxiety has gotten the best of ME today and yesterday - RATS!!!!


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

I hope it eases really really soon!!!!

(((Rhapsody)))

Its trying to ease up..................... I am better than I was Thursday Night - when I cried myself to sleep (for an hour) with thoughts of things we are not allowed to talk about on here.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -