[ByAThread]

I dont know if I should be here, or on the eating disorder forum. I am such a mess.
My anxiety is out of control -I just recently went back on prozac and xanax a week ago... the xanax helps but the withdrawl is anxiety provoking for me... the potential addiction gives me anxiety... Things are so very bad, that I have not eaten for months. I have a 5 month old baby girl, a 14 year old son and a husband who loves me one day and wants a divorce the next... a brand new home which I dont know if I can afford on my own without him, a high stress job, and I have lost 50 lbs since I had the baby... I only gained 15 when I was pregnant...the thought of putting food in my mouth makes me sick. I drink coffee and water. I go to T weekly. I am reading everything I can get my hands on... but my normal weight is about 140 and I am down to 110 -Im 5-7 -wearing a size zero and fading away quickly. I cannot get a grip. I am weak. I am tired. I feel like I am fading away. The only thing that I feel, is panic. Everything else is numb. I think I am bordering on an eating disorder - but I think it stems from my anxiety/panic...
I feel like I am a mess. I hate who I see in the mirror - I look like a skeleton - I hate who I have become emotionally... I hate that I cannot control this anxiety... it is seemingly ruling my life. I am ineffective at work -I am borderline as a parent right now... I dont know how to fix/end my marraige.
The sky is falling all around me. I need to get a grip. I need some friends/support who can relate...and help me get to a better place.
This is so isolating. I am embarrased, ashamed, and alone. Although I know it is just a feeling... I feel as though I am going to die.

[Rhapsody]

Dear ByAThread,

If I may ask? - what is the main (the original) wound that haunts you from your past, that which controls you and your fears in the here and now? - for feelings buried alive never die, they control us until they are dealt with and put away... for good.

I awaiting your reply... ((((((( HUGS )))))))

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

BTW - it took me many years of therapy to uncover my original wound - and now since I know where it came from and why I react the ways I do to things - I am working to put it away.
You can to -

i'm glad you came here....we will listen and support you. please post again, pat

[Parker10]

Welcome to PC ! You can count on suppport and folks who will gladly "listen". You mention taking Xanax - but that the withdrawal is anxiety provoking - do you mean between doses, like when it loses its affect on you? The half life of Xanax is only 4 hours, therefore after 4 hours, you start losing the good effects of it. Perhaps you would benefit from a longer acting benzo such as Klonopin. When I had panic disorder - I didnt eat either, and dropped just about the same weight you have. My blood pressure was very low, had no energy, etc etc. Once I got my panic and anxiety under control, on the right medication, and had invo therapy - I was able to eat again. (Now I eat too much of course!) I have been panic and anxiety free for 16 years in February, but I remember how horrible it was like it was yesterday.

I am sorry you feel embarrassed and ashamed that you are ill - would you feel the same if you were battling diabetes? You have an illness - not by choice, and IMHO, there is no need to be embarrased !

Please post whenever you need too - and PM me anytime. There IS life after panic !

[ByAThread]

Thank you for being here. I could not wait to get a chance to log on here today to see if anyone was out there....the isolation of this, even though I'm in the midst of tons of people is unbelievable.

Rhapsody, you asked of my "original wound"... the synopsis is ongoing sexual and physical abuse/terror by one family member, emotional abandonment by my father (he struggled with depression) and there is no way to summarize my Mother lol. I had a very scary and lonely childhood -even though from the outside it appeared that I grew up in Leave It To Beaver-land.

I have been in therapy forever it seems. Does the Klonopin act as quickly and effectively as the Xanax? I am hoping once the prozac levels get up to where they need to be I won't need it so much... Today I was 109. I have not weighed that since I was about 13... I am 34. I am frightened by the continual loss -and it is beyond no appetite... it is more a diversion to food now..
I am able to get up and go to work... I cannot focus to accomplish too much.. I take care of my kids.. 14 year old son and a 5 month old baby girl... I havent been able to cook a meal -do housework -clean my car.. .so I am functioning really at a minimal level at this point. I feel paralyzed by this.
I need to know that there is light..there is recovery... is there any hope or is this the way the rest of my life is going to be...just getting by in a state of fear and sickness. One of my employees today said my skin is jaundice... I feel like I am dying.

[Rhapsody]

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ByAThread said:

Rhapsody, you asked of my "original wound"... the synopsis is ongoing sexual and physical abuse/terror by one family member, emotional abandonment by my father (he struggled with depression) and there is no way to summarize my Mother lol. I had a very scary and lonely childhood -even though from the outside it appeared that I grew up in Leave It To Beaver-land.

I have been in therapy forever it seems.

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SOUND JUST LIKE ME... a repeat of my own life, my h*ll -

I have to go for a about an hour to get ready for the day and then i will be back, maybe we can chat a little more then, as to help each other out.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Rhapsody]

Thanks for the reply back to ME...

After reading over your statement again, I can now see your eating disorder as a NEED to CONTROL something, any thing in your life, for as a child you were not able to control the bad things that happened to you - the ones that now haunt you from with in.

While the control you have right now is not for the best - it makes you feel as though you can survive, for you are in CONTROL... no one is controlling you - you are making the decision, you say when and how.

Your eating disorder and panic attacks are not the problem, but rather the symptom of what really ails you, this pain is coming from your wounded soul. The innocent CHILD that was lost...

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[ByAThread]

Determining where the pain is coming from has never been a big mystery for me... its the "how to resolve" that I have not been able to accomplish.
I have always been pretty able to identify the problem -my struggle comes in getting from point a to point b... it is as though I am stuck -my feet are cemented... is it because I am unwilling to change/move/grow? There is some sort of block keeping me from getting past this.
A huge part of me wants to conquer and move on, another part of me is afraid to let go maybe.. i dont know. I cannot find any answers make any sense of it at this time. I am sick to death of feeling desperate and afraid. I am even sicker of this lonliness that consumes me.
Its self inflicted.
Its sick.
How do I change.

[Rhapsody]

((((((( HUGS )))))))

I hear you and I feel what you are saying, for I too have these feelings and I am growing tired of my irrational mind winning out over what I know to be true.... wounded feelings (our emotions) always has a stronger pull on our belief system, right or wrong, and how it makes us act / react in the present, until they are fully felt and dealt with.

Now, bare with me a minute while I take you from point A to point B... while we can see the reason for your upsets (the abuse, the abandonment, your mother) - that does not tell us the original wound... let me explain.
I was sexual abused, emotionally abuse, rejected by my mother for one of the men that abused me, abandonment by my natural father at age 1 yr old, blamed by my siblings for our family breaking up (over the abuse) and left emotionally at times by my own husband for the images he allowed into his eyes.
Now - while we can see how and why these events can destroy a person and take their mind from them and leave the wish of death upon them - Can we tell what the original pain is here? - the first wound that now haunts and controls?

Well, with six years of therapy for the childhood wounds and then one year therapy using "Radical Forgiveness" technics and the "The Script" to deal with my present wound - I was able to under cover the real source (the wound), the one that my husbands wondering eyes and lusting mind resonates in me now.... that leave me feeling ugly, worthless and like death is better than living.

MY WOUND: is that
I "will not be loved / wanted" and that I will be "replaced" by another.... like I was when my mom chooses a man that abused me over her own daughter, like the way I felt when my natural father rejected me (left me) and replaced me with a younger girl - his daughter with his new wife, and like I now feel when my husband used to choice the beauties he views in PICS (and allowed into his sexual mind) over ME - His wife His friend His lover.

MY DEEPEST FEAR (original wound)................. is that I will be REPLACED by ANOTHER

Do you see what I am trying to get at? - can you see the connection between my past and how my child like mind perceived matters back then and how it lives through my live now as though it was real, matters from the past yet here in the present - to control me?

Our past will always effect our present if there is still left over residue... undealt with, that which is unknown at times.

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[hillbunnyb]

Dear ByA Thread, darlin, you won't be able to think clearly until you get some food in you. I starved down to 97 pounds once and was so weak, couldn't hold a thought, was disappearing ever so steadily and slowly. My stomach was so shrunk I felt no hunger. This is serious. Your body needs food.
Does your t understand you are not eating? Can you figure out one food you could take one bite of, try to reawaken your urge to eat? Chocolate? Pizza? Jello? Anything to get you going? Please let your doctors know how far this has gone, You cannot go on like this much longer, been there, done that, almost died....... please get some help right now.

[ByAThread]

I am trying to eat. I had some soup and a half a sandwich on Saturday. I had a whole sandwich on Sunday. I can't afford to be hospitalized..I cannot leave my kids with my H.
Im really trying. I did start taking a multi-vitamin.
I feel like I am going to die... like I want to... if it werent for my kids.. I would be outta here.. this is intolerable.

[kimmydawn]

ByAThread,

Hi there and welcome!

I'm so sorry that you're going through such a hard time in your life. Please get to a medical dr for a full work up and to your OB/GYN. I saw where you mentioned a five month old baby...this could be capped off by post pregnancy hormones, etc.

I am NOT suggesting that's all of it by any means. I do wonder if it's the straw in this though.

I so hear the fear in your posts. Please know that we're here and listening.

Please consider contacting your MD and/or OB/GYN?

When my life felt the most out of control is when I usually took extreme measures to gain my own type of control. There was so much that I felt was beyond my control...

Peace to you,

KD

[ByAThread]

I had an appointment yesterday with OB-GYN... they referred me to a nutritionist with a DX of anerexia... I dont see what good it will do...I cannot eat ...its only a termporary aversion...
I see T tomorrow... go every week... Im doing everything I am supposed to be doing... I think...
Yet I still feel completely out of control and alone.
Something has to give.

[ByAThread]

I will try... to get help that is... I dont know what to do. I have no understanding of this aversion to food.... is it possible to have "bouts" of anerexia? that it will pass? that I will be able to get hungry? I feel full...like if i put something to my mouth I will be sick... I have T today... and have been referred to a nutritionist... I dont see what good it will do... I simply cannot eat. I am dying. I want my husband to care. he doesnt.

[ByAThread]

Went to doc. Got referred to nutritionist and DX with anerexia. Is it possible this aversion will pass. Sorry if this is a duplicate post... Im so confused today.