[lavendersteph]

i can't take it anymore my life is hell i don't have support from anyone in my home i hate conflict but it's like they find every little flaw in me to bring it out i'm lazy i at fault because the house is a mess my the *****ed me out called me an abortion of nature and then my my mom said i was a little manipulator i'm 23 i have no where else to go i have no friends i'm in phisical pain and no one understands i just can't go on like this anymore i've already said i would get rid of my puppy so my mom would shut up now she is mad because i'm giving him away he is pure bred shih tzu puppy she is like sell him i said for what money so that my sister can claim that the money should go to her i can't deal with more drama my brain hurts my right eye twiches all the time when will i feel relief i just wan to die so the %#@&#! around me stops but i don't have the nerve to do it i learned in the bible how precious life is and that our lives belong to him if i take my life then i have no forgiveness from god and that would mean that i was a failure to him i don't know what to do it getts hardwer everyday living with anxiety and being judge and feeling completely alone my comfort now is this website but i can't go on much longer like this i get blamed for everything i been told i'm the black sheep of the family yet i don't drink don't smoke i'm a virgen and i don't do things i should not wtf do they want from me my sis is the one who lives life like a hore yet steph is the manipulator and is crazy why don't they do me a favor and commit me so then i can be awayy from them am unemplyed and sadly rely on them but i don't ask them for %#@&#! not even cash i can't do it no more i'm a prisoner outside and inside ...

[EJ711]

Lavender -

I'm sorry things seem so dark to you right now. It is particularly hard when your family is emotionally abusive, unsupportive, or not know how to emotionally support you.

I know it seems like you are in a tight place, but things can change.

Keep talking to us. We're here and care.

Feel free to PM me.

Hugs and love,

EJ

[heartspace]

I agree with EJ. I know it doesn't make it easier to go through what your going through but your not alone. {{{Steph}}}

[Rapunzel]

Hi Lavender,

I'm sorry that you're feeling so bad right now. I've been there, and I guess that I stayed alive for some of the same reasons that you are hanging on. It's not really a way out, is it? But things won't stay that bad. For me, it was a wake up call to figure out what needed to change in my life. Therapy helps, and I found some books that made a difference too. Books about people who had some of my limitations and still accomplished the things I thought I couldn't do. That helped me to believe that there was a way out, through reclaiming my life, not escaping from it. It won't be overnight, but you don't have to be a prisoner anymore.

Rap

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((lavendersteph)))))))))))))))))

I know how hard it can be sometimes. Is there a place you can escape to at times like this...even just a hot soaky bath with some candles?

Please know that we care.

KD

[LittleMilly]

oh steph... what happened... you were jumping on my back screaming yehaw the other day...
im sorry i cant give you much advice...
hope you are ok...
*bbbbbbbiiiiiiiiiiggggggggg hhhhhhuuuuuuuugggggggggsssssss*

MILLY

p.s email me if you want my email address is on my profile...

[wisewoman]

Steph, please think twice about getting rid of your closest friend in the world. I am sorry things are so hard for you. Please keep us posted.

[Azalysa]

I agree with Wisewoman...please don't give away or sell that puppy if it's giving you some pleasure. Sounds like you're getting flack from your family for all kinds of stuff and the puppy gives unconditional love.

If you really start feeling like you just can't go on...please go to the ER to be safe, hon. (((((HUGS))))

[DocClyde]

((((Lavender))))

I am sorry to hear things are going horribly bad. Keep the puppy if it makes you happy, we must hold on to those things we love or we have less good in our lives.

Clyde

[Sabrina]

I am sorry for everything you have to deal with. ((((lavendersteph))))

[niko851]

Hi Lavender -

I'm new on here, but I'd like to try and give a bit of words as well...

I too, agree with the others that getting rid of the puppy should be avoided. It seems he/she is a 'safety net' for you so to speak. The puppy is your way of having something there, that is tangible, to more/less go to for relief.

Also, you actually helped ME via your post bcuz I never thought about finding and using something like a dog to help cope, deal, turn to, etc... I'm a christian myself, and you are right that life IS PRECIOUS - which means SO IS YOURS ..... Although you may not feel it right now, I know for a fact that you are on this earth for a reason; just as all of us are... We have a few differet set of issues than others do - so what? Everyone has issues - we just have problems - or I should say more problems - dealing with them...

But as everyone else says, WE ARE HERE to listen and do whatever we can... Talk to us all you want... Talk to me all you want... Like I said, I'm new on here, but I'm MORE than happy to listen - feel free to write me via email or PM if you want to let it out... I'll listen; we will all listen... And we will all be here as much as we can.

I, too, have not a dime to my name nor do I have a way to support myself. I'm at the mercy of my brother, who thinks I"m either faking or just have to get attention, so I COMPLETELY know this feeling. I lost everything I owned - including my home.. Anxiety, Panic, etc. are ALL things that escalte every time more BS is thrown at us... I know this is very difficult, but TRY - please just TRY - to ignore the things that are said... Use that comfort 'zone' you have with the puppy... Don't let them dictate your life - if you find comfort in the puppy, than that is YOUR perogative - no one elses!!

I'll keep you in my prayers hun - just don't let yourself get into a rut - talk all you want to us in order to prevent that from happening OK?

Hugs to you
Niko

[JeanieB]

Lavender dear, don't give up! You've got a lot on your plate right now and not much emotional support at home. But you have many friends here rooting for you. Most important of all, you have a God who wants to walk you through this. Read Jeremiah 29:11. My daughter-in-law gave this text to me once years ago when I was going through a really rough time, and it was a break through. It gave me a new realization that Yes! God DOES care. Another suggestion - read also in 2 Corinthians what the apostle Paul went through and WHY. Remember a lot of folks here are caring and praying for you. Love, JeanieB

[OnEdge]

We all need you here! You are such a support and have given others such great words of encouragement. Hang in there (((((Lavender)))).

[lavendersteph]

i just want to thank everyone who showed me suport when i really needed it sometimes i get caught up with being silly in the chats to cheer everyone up that i forget that i myself also have problems that will not go away over night it's just hard at the moment i'm a sensitive person i get hurt easily so when i feel that i'm not good enough to be someone's friend that hurts my ex bf said to she did not pick as one of her bridesmades because she thought i was not spiritually well i was like what gives you the right to judge me that way yes i do miss some meetings but i do love god dearly he knows my weaknesses and faults yet i pray all the time and ask for forgiveness and she traet as if i'm a leper how awful of her she invited me to her wedding me and my mom but after what she said to me i did'nt want to go plus her aunt and uncle would be there and at the moment they are not my favorite ppl they are my ex's parents and they were so mean to me his mom called me once una miardita which in spanish means little %#@&#! i think she was jelous that her son was spending more time with me and his father was just a jerk when he had surgery i baked him cookies and sent him a letter hoping for his recovery yet to them i was not worthy of their son i let him go because i wanted him to be happy meaning he is happy with his mom and dad i did not want tobe the cause of conflict for them anyhow it also help me see that what i felt for him was not love but just true endearment he is like my brother and i also realized i was not ready for marriage . anyhow when we broke up giovanna distanced herself from me and juan calls me once in a while but it hurts because i held her close to almost like a sister and she behaved so meanly she says we are still friends and that she will keep in touch now that she is married i'm like fat chance oh well when you hit a slump in life you're true friends show who they are . and the not so good one's reveal themsellves anyhow i dealing with that and my folks and my sickness all at once but i know with gods help i'll get through this . well thanks for listening guys steph

Hi Lavender,
I'm sorry for all that you are going through, I wish I could take away any misery you are feeling. I agree with everyone about trying to keep your dog, animals are very sensitive to our needs and give us unconditional love, unlike some people who you think are your friends and then abandon you when you need them the most. I had a best friend who could not understand my depression/anxiety, she would say things like "everyone gets depressed" and I've had other people tell me to "get over it", as if I was feeling bad on purpose. Now she calls me occasionally, as do my other so called friends, but now I"m the one keeping a distance. I am still struggling with letting go of people who I know are toxic for me, it's hard and it hurts when they have been your friends for so long. Just remember that you are not alone, you have all of us here and I will always be here for you. I'm happy that you have faith to keep you going, prayer is proven to help with emotional and physical illness, and knowing their is a reason for everything, even if we cannot see it at the moment, helps. You have such a great personality and a loving heart, and you do cheer people up in chat, but remember you don't always have to be entertaining and funny, you can let yourself go and be yourself, and we will listen and support you as much as we can. You are loved, Lav!

Love,
Sujin "It can't rain all the time"

[Azalysa]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
lavendersteph said:
oh well when you hit a slump in life you're true friends show who they are...and the not so good one's reveal themselves

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

This is soooo true. It is amazing when a crisis hits to see who is really there for support; and often it is not the people we would expect. And equally amazing (for me at least) are the people who do offer help/support that I sometimes wonder if they are angels in disguise!

So glad your here with us!!!

[lavendersteph]

thanks so much again everyone tonight is kind of rough for me i'm anxious and can't sleep i took a hot bath but all i can think of is death and how scared i 'm of it i know what ppl think stop torturing yourself but i can't help it maybe because i have been sick for quite a while i think it all have to do with the car accident me and my sister had last year aug we ramed into a suv and both hit our heads on the glass it cracked a bit my head hurt alittle but it went away my sister went to the hospital for her head ache she had a mild concousion i on the other hand did not go i 'm not sure if that is causing my burning sensation in the top of my head and the twiching in the right eye it could be i should get an mri jsut in case but it cost to much and i am unemployed so i am scared that i will die soon due to it what do i do i'm so scared i can hardly sleep !!!!

[(JD)]

(((lav))) I read in chat... sorry the puppy is one more thing that can't be kept in your life. (I was secretly hoping you'd find a neighbor to take it.)

Is there any place you can call with nurses and free info? Sigh... You didn't go to the hospital after the accident? While you wouldn't still have a concussion, if these symptoms have been happening all this time, you really shouldn't dx yourself, but see a professional.

I do realize you've posted this is the Anxiety Forum... and it's quite natural, with high anxiety, to feel like you want to -or will- die. Did you know this? Anxiety can cause all types of symptoms. But if you aren't able to calm yourself then again, at least see someone about this torturing anxiety.