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#1
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I've never really done this before, I'm a bit nervous talking about it...
but it feels like my life is in shambles, and my fears are only getting worse. I'm constantly worrying... I'm 25 and staying with my parents, already I'm worried that I'll never be able to survive on my own, to get my own place, or that I'll get my own place and just wind up completely alone, or getting kicked out and not knowing what to do. Even just typing this, my mind wouldn't let it go. I started to imagine a scenario of winding up in some apartment curled up in the dark being overwhelmed with depressive thoughts of being all alone, not being able to support myself, getting kicked out, not knowing what to do, stumbling my way to a police station for help, being refused, and winding up so distraught begging to be put out of my misery. I'm not suicidal... I've had thoughts of "what if I was to", but they're more fearful thoughts of what if I had chosen to do that, rather than desiring to do something like that... if there's one thing I have confidence about, it's that... but these worrisome thoughts just get out of control. My head is pounding just thinking about it. I'm intending to go back to school in September with my family's assistance, but I have no money myself. I have a small credit card debt that I try to keep under control by paying off little bits each month.... I need to get a job, but I'm positively terrified to get one. I keep on putting it off, putting it off, saying "Oh, I'll get my resume ready for monday" but never do. When I actually look at job postings nearby, I freeze up, I start imagining everything that could possibly go wrong. I'm so poor at speaking that I can barely use the phone. I need to get a driver's license, but the thought of me behind the wheel of a car is more terrifying than anything else. I've had this ever since I've been a little kid, thinking that it's only just the smallest of a turn, and suddenly we're off a cliff, or smashing into something... I've always been alone since I was a kid, stayed to myself, kept to myself, barely made friends, barely talked to people, and have been terrified of being in crowds... but behind the wheel of a car, it's far worse... just imagining myself in the middle of traffic causes me to freeze up. I already wait to make sure there are -absolutely- no vehicles before crossing the road, even if it takes me a long time. There are so many things I could be doing to better myself... I could be excersizing, or studying, or practicing something that could give me the skills to do something to get money... but I just wind up staying stuck in my room - in my bed, 24/7... I wind up distracting myself with video games and chatting online, so that I don't think about these kinds of things I wind up staying up all night distracting myself, so I can have some time to be alone... I just don't know what to do, I feel like I'm absolutely worthless. It just feels like anything I do, I'm going to fail... I'm a computer science major, and can't find any work related to my field... or any work that won't make me feel like my heart is going to explode. Work, school, money, driving, doing something with my life... I've got so much anxiety and it feels like I'm getting nowhere, like I won't be able to do a single thing with my life... I tend to distract myself and get myself to stop thinking about these things... and then everything is fine, I have things I love, I can be very positive, I even have friends and someone I love very dearly now... I feel I /can/ do things to better my life... but it's either I'm distracting myself so much I'm not doing anything or getting anywhere... or spending more money than I have... or I'm confronted with what I need to do, and the anxiety hits, and I start to get sick... I practically can't control myself... I just don't know what to do. |
![]() Blue_Bird, Christina86, healingme4me, JadeAmethyst, parksguy, pbutton
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#2
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And absolutely nothing...
can't get hired disappointment to everyone can't even get a response on the last lifeline I throw out there... I'm done. I'm not going to amount to anything, I may as well just give up |
![]() healingme4me, pbutton
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#3
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Hi Vnin5 - Welcome!
![]() Have you considered therapy? It sounds like your anxiety is pretty overwhelming. BTW though, most of your fears are totally normal - I've got the same fears and I'm only a bit older than you are. Please write back. Don't give up hope. ![]()
__________________
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![]() Vnin5
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#4
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Welcome to the forum
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![]() Vnin5
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#5
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Sorry for taking so long to respond...
I'm still feeling worried that I'm doing things wrong... even worrying about silly things like not responding right away, or making people worry that I did something to myself... I just couldn't leave off without... well... saying thank you, really... I'm still feeling really weird... really extremely emotional and fretful lately, but... I think I forgot what genuine positive encouragement felt like... There's all this pressure to be more of an adult, but sometimes I feel like I'm just a little kid inside. I'm just... feeling very drained right now, it's hard to really think of what to say, but I just wanted to, well... say something... I have considered therapy, the closest thing I've considered is going to counseling available at my university, if I start up classes again... I will try to keep up with that, even though I sort of feel that they won't be happy that I've been in and out of there so often, starting up counselling and never following through, going for a few appointments and then stopping, and not coming back because I worry that it was rude that I missed the last one and didn't say anything... really though, it's just... it feels like there's a little weight off my shoulders being able to put a line out here and getting such a positive response... |
![]() healingme4me, pbutton
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#6
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Hi Vnin5
![]() This fear you are living with, sounds debilitating and concerning. I've known of someone, who once sounded like you do now. These thoughts can lead to a nervous breakdown. She's 8 years into recovery, now. Have you seen your regular physician, to make sure you don't have something physical, going on with you, at this point? They could, perhaps, prescribe something to help you out from the fear of even getting out of bed. How's things, with your homelife? Are there pressures, at home, to move out? Find employment? etc? ![]() Quote:
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![]() Vnin5
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#7
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I've seen my family's physician before... I've been on medication for depression at one point, and for ADD at another time...
both times I would wind up eventually forgetting to take them, or not having enough money to fill the prescription, or... well, they just wound up feeling like they didn't do anything?... It feels like I'm being a hypochondriac, that people will see me as just being one and dismiss my problems, that I'm just tossing out new suspicions every which way... It feels like I'd wind up going in there, and being told off for having not followed through with any of my old stuff, when I promised to at least go in for a checkup now and then... Generally at home, I tend to hide in my room most of the time, I feel that every time I'm outside of my room I'm getting severely judged by my parents, who are on me about losing weight, getting a job, doing more around the house (recently been told that if I don't have a job, my full time job should be spending 8 hours a day helping around the house...), and getting my driver's license... I simply can't talk to my parents about these issues, the thought that they'd find out I'm thinking of these things absolutely terrifies me... the last time I wound up having a panic attack, they screamed at me asking why I was crying, and got even more angry and just kept yelling... they're not exactly sympathetic... Sometimes I wind up not eating... when I make food for myself, my mother will frequently make comments, facial gestures, etc. about what I choose to eat... which I've never found to be that bad, I don't eat excessively large portions, or very unhealthy food, but they've been on a diet fad for a while, and have been severely judgmental towards these things... when I "sense" that there's any sort of reason why my parents are upset, the pressure is so unsettling I simply can't eat, I can't stomach things, and I wind up trying to avoid it altogether... |
#8
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Quote:
One thing, you could do, and I'm sure, there are people who've done this, is just print up, what you've typed up, here, even and hand it to them to read. Not everyone, feels comfortable, talking it out loud. There are ways, to remember to take your meds. There's even phone apps out there, for stuff like this, now. Perhaps, the meds didn't feel like they consistently worked before, because if you miss a dose, it loses efficacy. You wouldn't be the first person to have done this, before. They may, mention, or quizzically ask you, what's taken so long, to return, I personally, feel, it's a matter of feeling you out, to make sure and see if everything is OK in your life. That's my personal impression on the questions. And sometimes, I feel, personally, it's similar to a physical reflex test. Not meant to make you feel guilty, but part of the overall examination of what's going on with you. It's disheartening, to read that there is such commenting about your eating and pressure for a drivers license and job, etc. 8 hours of housework, to offset not being gainfully employed? ![]() ![]() It's no wonder, you don't want to come out of your room. There's some forums, on this site, about work, careers, schooling, etc. Have you checked them out? Maybe, others, who struggle, like yourself, could give you some tips, etc on helping you get to where you need to get, to gain your independence? ![]() |
![]() Vnin5
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#9
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What you said makes sense, and I suppose I should see them...
It feels like I should work myself up to it... it feels like part of me doesn't want to... at least to the point that it's hard to make a direct commitment like... "I'll go tommorow!", I don't know if I can... I looked at some of the threads for work... and it's reassuring to see people with similar feelings to my own... It's reassuring... I feel oddly calm right now, thinking about it... One of the things that I always hurt myself over, that was like a poison to my self esteem was that "What is wrong with me that I can't be like other people, and can't just -do- these things" The delusion that it's me and me alone that feels like this... At my worst it felt like I was wrong, that this world was meant for normal people and I was some sort of freak... that I was just completely alone... I want to sob and let out all my feelings, and... darn it... I want just a tiny bit of sympathy... I want someone to tell me the world isn't as cold and cruel and heartless, and that I need to "toughen up"... Ever since I was young, I wanted to be able to run for more than a few steps, to be able to be active... to be physically fit... to not be laughed at every time I try to take part in something, to not be dead last, but it feels like no matter how hard I try, I can't improve. It feels like that.. like I'm stuck, like I can't change, I can't improve... and for the past few years, it's been driven into my head that I have to do this all alone... I have to sort out my issues alone... that if I complain, I'll be told how others have it so much worse, or that I'm just being silly... if I'm depressed, it just makes the people I talk to depressed to the point they don't want to be around me anymore... if I have an issue, if I share it, I'm "weird"... if I ever express anything negative, or -need- something.. or need support, then I'm a bad person for doing it, that I'm just grabbing for attention, or being selfish or an attention-hog, or just being unlikable. That's how I wound up thinking... I wound up giving up hope, and having the bleakest outlook, and.. I was just so absolutely stunned to see genuine, positive, unassuming non-judgemental feedback... when... everything I said made me feel more and more miserable, because of how I thought I was making myself look, commiting all these faux-pas... I just don't want to be alone anymore, I don't want to deal with all these things on my own and having so many doubts about if I'm doing things in the right way... I took a look in the job forums because, well.. I -need- a job... even just a part time job, some place I can manage, where I can work while going to school maybe.. heck, even if it's just for the month before school, I need to do -something- otherwise I'll have no money for books, and, well... I'm about $100 in debt right now from stupid credit card charges. I have so many things I need to work on... but it feels as though if I just try and work them all out on my own, I'll just hide from things and never do anything about them again... I can probably list off the top of my head a bunch of things I need to change or do or work on... -I need to excersize, and try to get fit, so I'm not so unhealthy and worry that my body might fail at any time... to have some stamina so I can actually work at a job, instead of winding up exhausted within 10 minutes and being told I'm fired. -I need to take care of my hygene more... specifically my teeth... I have a bad habit of forgetting to brush and floss, I just can't seem to get it to stick, my breath is horrible, and that's just another damn worry that gets to me every time I consider talking to people... -I need to do something about my driver's license... even if it's just to tell my family that I need some time and some help... that I can't just jump into it or it's only going to make it harder... -I really need to get some sort of job... I need to figure out what to do with my resume, as I have no references and I'm nervous about talking to people from past jobs for references... I need to find places to apply to, where I can hopefully DO what they ask of me... -I need to work on things that aren't just distractions... there are things I want to do, to learn, and gain experience with... drawing as a hobby, and programming/working with computers to find a job with what I love... that takes time and dedication, and for whatever reason I just can't get myself going or started... maybe I should do what I'm doing here... just... starting from the bottom... find a forum, introduce myself, just... be open, about where I want to go and what I want to do... and keep posting here as I need to... just... keep communicating... Having some anonymity is helping me come out a bit more... the positive advice even moreso... ...and the hugs too... |
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