Trouble with self-discipline?

I don't know if this is a symptom of anxiety or depression, or if it's just the way I am now.

I am very disciplined and competent at work. I get things done and I'm very professional and go-go-go all the time and on top of everything. But in my home life, I'm quite useless. I sometimes feel like I'm 12 years old rather than 37. I stay up way too late. I don't like going to bed (but then I'm so tired in the morning). I KNOW that I will be tired if I stay up half the night, but I do it anyway. I don't eat properly. I don't have much of an appetite, so I usually make myself eat once a day and it's usually some frozen microwaved thing and a yogourt. I haven't cooked in a long, long time. I don't clean up my flat. I procrastinate about EVERYTHING when I'm at home. It's like I'm a teenager whose parents have gone away for the weekend.

The strange this is, I was extremely responsible when I was a child and a teenager. My mum needed a lot of help and I was basically another mother figure for my much younger brother. I did most of the cooking and cleaning. Even when I was in my 20s and early 30s, my flat was always perfectly tidy and my life was quite structured. When I lived with my boyfriend, I cooked dinner every night. That has all flown out the window in the past 2-1/2 years, though, and I don't know why. My home life is a disorganized mess and I get overwhelmed by the disorder and disorganization... and overwhelmed when I think of how I can change it. I just feel like it's IMPOSSIBLE.

Sorry for the uber-long post. This bothers me and it's on my mind a lot. I'm happy with my career and my relationships with friends and family, but this one part of my life is not the way I want it to be and I don't know how to change it. It stresses me out. I hate the mess and I worry about my bad eating habits and the lack of sleep. I try, but I can't make myself do that things I KNOW I should do. I feel like I WANT to do certain things, but I can't put myself in motion or stick to a schedule when I'm at home. I'm a different person from the person I am at work. Am I just lazy?

Does anyone else experience this? Struggle with this? Can anyone relate? Has anyone overcome this? Any advice?

I remember you mentioning this in another thread before. I don't know what to advise, but I know how it feels to not want to do things, to just feel like some things are too much trouble, yet hating not being better about things. I don't eat right, don't exercise, and if I didn't have to cook for my boyfriend, I'd cook almost never. I clean the apartment, but not every day (other than some wiping here and there), but that has a lot to do with my OCD, not just laziness or whatever.

Just a few thoughts. Most of the time when I worked, I was fairly competent and disciplined. At home I was as you say, useless. And I sometimes- then and now-- stay up too late and won't eat healthy. These things I all attribute to depression. As far as the late nights, it is common for some people with depression to feel better at night than in the morning. This is how it's been more recently for me--and I think I want to stay up and awake in my latenight nondepressed world because I know the depressed world will be back in the a.m.
As far as work went I knew I could not afford to lose my job so I just drove myself all the time to stay employed--but once I got home I was useless because my efforts and the depression exhausted me.

Everything--including cleaning--seems incredibly difficult and overwhelming when I am depressed, so if anything does get done, it is usually after great procrastination. Making myself eat properly is also problematic when I am depressed. I will overeat, I think to try and make myself feel better. Most depressions I have had, food has still tasted good. However, a few depressions I had, food was completely unappetizing to me and yet I kept eating thinking the next thing I ate would make me feel better.

Perhaps I am rationalizing but after many years I have come to these conclusions.

I don't really have any advice except maybe you could lower your expectations and learn your limitations. For me this is easier said than done.

Take care, Juliana

Meta

hey juliana,
afraid i dont really have any advice for you but i can sympathise. i function as far as my studies are concerned (though often that is a struggle) but my flat is invariably a mess, i cant do my dishes, i often dont hoover for ages, i sometimes find myself staying up til all hours even though im exhausted and i know im going to pay for it the next day. in short my home life is a mess.
for me i relate it to the mess in my head trying to work everything out and also to a huge extent to my anxiety. i look at doing one thing and get overwhelmed at the hopelessness of starting because i can never get control of all the stuff that seems to out of control. when my anxiety is particularly high about something (like at the moment) it makes me instinctively want to hide away and shirk all responsibilities. the only ones i can really afford to shirk though are the dishes, home stuff etc. if i avoid any others like my studies there will be severe consequences.
i hope some of this made sense and/or was of help in at least letting you know you re definately not the only one struggling with this!
good luck and take care
biiv

hi juliana someone recently gave me some good advice---don't ask too much of yourself, i relate lots with you staying up late ,tired in the mornings, can't get my place straight,i get so frustrated with myself but then i do have a struggle with mental illness and i am sort of learning to accept that ,i feel my untidy place is a reflection of the outer relecting the inner.and a sympton of depression,would it be easy for you to ask for some help with your place ,i find when it is straight it is easier to keep that way i'm also a big fan of simplyfying things, don't be too hard on yourself jeff

wow-what a familiar feeling!
i posted about the same thing in the social forum.
as a teenager you were diciplined?
so was i!
but what motivated you then may not work for you now.
i think that maybe when we are yong sometimes it is easier.

and i will tell you something my T told me, which i for got about and then came up with it on my own -we CAN`T control all that`s happening - and our body and mind need ballace! you have been that way for years-and now you funciton in a differently.

i think that the first thing towards getting things better is EXCEPTING the situation (like some1 here mentioned) and thus you are not "stuck" in it.
let yourself be happy-YOU DESERVE IT!
maybe if you let yourself enjoy that "wrong" thing you are doing and won`t scold yourself you will feel satisfied and will balance it with more organized behaviour the day after....

me too, i felt like everythng is fine, except for THAT.
you know we all want to be "in control"
it`s not untill we let go of everything and resist nothing.

Thanks for all the responses. I'm sorry other people are going through this, but I take comfort in knowing I'm not the only one.

Meta, what you said about staying awake and enjoying the non-depressed state -- that totally resonates with me. I'm generally in a good mood at work (because I'm too busy to think of anything but work and I feel competent and in control when I'm there), but when I first get home, I feel anxious and low. Right now, I just got home and I'm waiting for it to get dark because I don't start to feel relaxed until it's dark outside... and the later it gets, the better I feel (my dad's the same way)... and I don't want to face any responsibilities. I just want it to be MY time. I'm generally miserable all day long on weekends... and then feel much better at night.

I have managed to get my flat perfectly neat and tidy TWICE in the past 2-1/2 years and I even cooked myself a few healthy meals... and I promised myself I would keep it that way, but it didn't last. I get mad at myself for letting it get this out of control again. I have a date on Saturday night and I would love to invite him back here for coffee, but there's NO way I would let him see this mess. I look so well put-together on the outside, I can't let him see how I live. I want to get everything cleaned up by the weekend, but I feel like I don't have time on top of work... and then I feel that if I try to motivate myself to just get it done (a little bit at a time) in the evenings, I will fail (like I have done so many times before). Every single weekend, I tell myself I will clean up, get organized, buy some groceries and start living a "normal" at-home life, and then every Sunday night, I feel like a failure because I haven't done it...

I also have huge anxiety about someone like a plumber or an electrician having to come in here for an emergency and seeing this mess. I would be mortified. I hate living this way.

There's just so much STUFF and I don't know where to put any of it. It seems like an unsolveable puzzle and I can't even put the first piece in place.

Sorry for the rambling. Just needing to vent. Thanks for all the responses. I really appreciate them.

well, a few pages out of my book............gee whiz, you guys........were we all separated at birth? i stay up too late, cause i feel good, and then i feel horrid the next morning. i have TOO MUCH STUFF......and i have pets that add to the general "hairiness" of my place.

to see me at work is completely different. i move mountains. i negotiate things. i fix people.........and then i come home......xoxox pat

LOL Pat. I can SO relate to the general hairiness of everything. There's enough fur on my sofa right now to make a whole other cat. I have a white cat... and I happen to love wearing black. I have actually shown up at the office with my dress on inside out on NUMEROUS occasions... because my closet doesn't have a door and I hang my clothes inside-out so they won't get covered in white fur... and then I forget about the inside-out thing when I'm getting dressed in the morning because I'm so tired and in such a hurry...

And COORDINATOR is in my job title. I'm amazing at organizing things, multi-tasking and getting everything done at work. I'm Superwoman! At home? Pfffffft.

hey juliana i have one more thing to say about tidying and cleaning... check out the quote in your siggy!!

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biiv said:
hey juliana i have one more thing to say about tidying and cleaning... check out the quote in your siggy!!

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LOL. It's good advice, isn't it? That's why it's my siggy. I'm HOPING I'll start following that advice soon.

"I feel that if I try to motivate myself to just get it done (a little bit at a time) in the evenings, I will fail (like I have done so many times before). Every single weekend, I tell myself I will clean up, get organized, buy some groceries and start living a "normal" at-home life, and then every Sunday night, I feel like a failure because I haven't done it..."

so do it without getting motivated-and it`s better the HERE AND NOW then in the future.
do you feel sometimes like doing something? physical?
THEN do it!
are you a planning person? people who are orgenized tend to be. i think that we need to think of time to do things and instead of planing to develop more awaredess of ..."what do i FEEL like doing now?"
you may discover at certain momnets you WANT to do it. i think that oyu may have a chance...

Hi Juliana,
You gotta start somewhere. You may not get it all done by the weekend but taking it in little doses may be better than trying to do everything at once. Take one task at a time-and eventually it will all get done. Otherwise it's just going to keep piling up becoming more and more unmangageable.
If all else fails, clean it once and then hire yourself a cleaning service to keep up with it. Or don't clean it once and hire someone. I work as a cleaning woman and I can't tell you how many numerous of clients have told me that when they knew I was coming to clean they felt "inspired" to clean before I got there so it wouldn't be such a mess for me and also after I start cleaning for them, they enjoy the results so much they start wanting to keep it straightened up.
When my place is messy, it drags me down and makes me feel depressed-I have to clean it otherwise I start to feel "crazy".
Your lack of sleep may be contributing to your lack of motivation. Can you take a sleeping pill (over the counter) at a certain time so that within the next hour you'll be sleepy and go to bed when you're supposed to?
Can you clean at night (little doses) when you're feeling better?
I understand your not wanting to straighten up. I come home from cleaning other people's houses and it's the last thing I want to do within my own home.
They have healthy meals you can throw in the microwave. Can you compromise and get healthy microwave food? Or eat soup. Soup is really healthy. I get tons of soup and when I cook it, I just eat it out of the pot so then I don't have any bowls to clean. (I'm single and live alone-I can get away with it.) Know what's really good? French onion soup with pieces of roll in it and mozzerella cheese. Yum!!! I love it!
Anyway, good luck.
You'll feel better if you just get it done. Do something, do anything-just really make the effort because if you don't then you'll feel badly about yourself.

Thanks for all the advice. My mum has suggested I hire a cleaning service, but I won't let strangers see my place looking like this. Maybe AFTER I get it cleaned up, I'll do that.

My mum is quite messy and disorganized and when I was a kid I did most of the housework. I was cleaning up after her constantly. I just couldn't stand the clutter. It really bothered me and I couldn't relax if my surroundings weren't tidy. Now, she comes here to visit, and this place is too messy even for HER. So, it's gotta be bad. She tries to clean up and that upsets me. I get very irritated and tell her to leave things alone. I'm afraid she'll put something where I can't find it. I don't want her to clean it up at all. I don't want her to even acknowledge it. I feel like I need to do it myself and there's obviously something WRONG with me that I let it get this bad... and someone else (like her) noticing it and trying to fix it makes me angry... because it's not the messy flat that needs to be fixed. It's ME. I need to fix myself so that I can be neat and tidy like I was all my life (up until 3 years ago).

Anyway, sorry for going on and on about this so much. I know it's so minor compared to what a lot of people are going through... and it seems so stupid. I shouldn't find it this hard. When I got home from work today, I decided I would just start cleaning the bedroom. I got overwhelmed so quickly, though. I have one closet and it's the width of a regular door and it's already full, so I don't know where to put all the clothes that are hung over the door, strewn all over the floor and the dresser, and in the hallway... so I started crying and then took a 2 hour nap because I don't want to think about it or look at it. I keep wishing I had just ONE extra room... but I know that if I did I would probably still feel like I don't have enough room and it would be a disaster too.

Thanks for the advice on healthy frozen food, Jax. I try to eat the healthy ones most of the time. There's a brand here called Blue Menu that's tasty and healthy, so that's what I usually buy. I often get take-out for dinner too -- from a Lebanese place -- healthy stuff like lentils, rice and hummus. I only eat once a day, though, and I drink way too much coffee and I smoke, so I want to change those things. I would like to get to the point where I could fix myself soup for dinner, but at this point, I can't make myself use a pot or a bowl (I use plastic utensils) because I don't want to have any dirty dishes... because I know I won't wash them. I need to get my kitchen cleaned up to the point where there's ROOM to open a can of soup too. Ugh. I used to be the OPPOSITE of this... so incredibly neat and meticulous.

P.S. Just a thought I had. Is it possible that I keep this place so messy ON PURPOSE? Am I creating this obstacle for myself to keep people out of my safe place? I have anxiety about opening mail and checking voicemail when I'm at home (and I never answer the phone) and I know that's because I don't want things from the outside coming in here -- makes me feel out of control. This problem with messiness STARTED when I had begun to make significant steps in recovering from agoraphobia. I was starting to get back in the outside world and not needing to be here in my safe place all the time. It started a few months before I went back to work... so it wasn't a TIME issue. I had plenty of time on my hands. The better I have gotten in terms of the agoraphobia and anxiety, the messier my flat has become and the more disorganized my home-life has become. During the 4 years when I had agoraphobia and severe panic attacks and was too afraid to go outside, my flat was always perfectly neat and tidy. Is it possible I'm subconsciously creating this huge mental block for myself as a way (and an excuse) to keep people OUT of here?

yes.......................................................xoxoxo pat

and clean out your e.mail because i just sent you "Have a Cigar" by Primus and if it bounces back to me, i'll be really, really sad.....................

LOL. See? Everything's cluttered. I'll clean out my e-mail right now.

it's on the way and i haven't heard a "PING" since i sent it.........