[Fenerous]

I will try to keep this quick

When I was 14 I lost my Father due to Cancer, I had a few panic attacks before his death, but after it was an everyday thing for about a year, and my family thought it would be "nice" to take a cruise a few weeks after my Fathers death to relax. The entire time I was there I just wanted to go home, I begged my mom everyday to just fly my home. Before I lost my Father we used to take many trips out of state/country and I LOVED it.

After I got home I was still traveling petty well (a few hours distance), but for some reason in 2001 that all crashed in on me, I was no longer able to travel 15minutes...then it became housebound.

I am now no longer able to travel more than a mile from my house before I start to worry and have "problems swallowing" (I get a weird feeling like ill choke on my saliva when I swallow).

Well now im so sick and tired of all of this, im 26 and all I can do with my friends is sit on my porch with them, I WANT a life again, I would even be happy going 10 miles from my house so I can atleast do something.

well here is the point of my Rant...My Doctor just gave me clonazepam 0.5 to take in the morning then at night. And he wants me to go see him in two weeks to adjust it. his goal is to get me on it long enough to be able to travel 45min away to see the nearest CBT in my area.

I am so afraid of taking meds, I fear the side effects and not feeling like "myself". it reminds me of trying to travel, once I go so far im "stuck" in the situation. How do I talk myself into trying the med to see how it works? any help =(

sorry for the jumbled mess of a post, im just so tore up at the moment

thanks

I'm so sorry you are going thru this....

On meds......... I am not familiar with the one that you are talking about... But I have severe anxiety and always fought (for years) to not go on any meds at all.. Then my world completely crashed down on me in kinda emergency situation. I ended at pdoc - he put me on paxil - which was appropriate for my depression and anxiety... For me it had reached a point where my life was unliveable - I couldn't do anything.... so I finally went on the med. It made a considerable differenece - very positive but with drawbacks - weight gain, withdrawal effects ..... so I am not pro med or anti med - it's just that for me my med made life much more liveable... it is an individual decision though...

I wish you the best...

[Direction]

I take 1 mg of clonazepam 3x per day.

For some it can make you extremely drowsy - for me it is my saving grace. Unfortunately my doctor wants me to reduce - I'm not in favor of that right now.

Anyway I have experienced a 20-30 minute time frame for it to kick in and then I'm good for 5-6 hours.

I like it - have been on it for about two years.

[sabby]

Hi Fenerous and Welcome to PC!

I'm sorry you are going through such a difficult time right now. Please know that things can get better for you! There are lots of people here to attest to that

I have taken both clonazepam and lorazepam for anxiety. I find them both to be effective with little or no side affects (for me). They can be a saving grace when it comes to the issues that you are having to endure. Of course with any medication there can be side affects. Here is a link that will give you some information. http://www.medicinenet.com/clonazepam/article.htm

As far as feeling like "yourself", providing you have no side affects, I think you will find that you do feel like yourself on them. At least that is what I have experienced. I hope it is the same for you.

As for working towards getting better, sometimes we have to do things that we don't feel real comfortable with in order to get to the point where we are feeling better.

I wish you all the best. Keep posting and meeting folks, I know a lot of them have some wonderful ideas on self help

Hugssssss
J

[ickydog2006]

I was really scared to try meds gai a few months ago. I finally gave in under the counsel of my doc and T. It has been amazing. The first two weeks sucked because of pretty bad side effects, but they went away. Now I can't imagine going back to that life, or lack of one. For once I can go outside and not be paniced. I feel like I'm finally starting to get my life back. I can go see peopole and talk with them. I'm not a nervous wreck all the time.

I know how debilitating fear can be, but try to keep in mind that meds may give you the chance to have your life back. Isn't that worth the risk of a few side effects.

I wish you the best... whatever your choice is.

Good luck

((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

[Fenerous]

Thank you SO much for the quick replies. I know that I need to take the meds because it is well worth the risk, its just so hard to get the first pill down =(

I think maybe part of the issue is also that my Girlfriend just got back from Disney a week ago (over 1,000 miles from our town). And ever since she went there I feel so worthless, I mean I cant even go to best buy 2 miles away without feeling like im going to die. I think that also I feel if I take a med to get better im "admitting" that I can never have the lifestyle that she has as a "normal person", and that kills me inside.

She even said "maybe this will be a reason you want to get better", but personaly to me it kinda made things harder on me =(

[sabby]

Fenerous.....I look at it this way....in order to gain back some control in your life, you may need to take this med. It may only be for a short time, it may be longer, but for whatever time it takes, it's GIVING you back some control...not taking it away from you.

Just because you are going through this issue now, does NOT mean that you won't overcome it in the future and be able to live med free. This is just a stepping stone for you on your way to a healthier place in your life. Each step you take brings you closer to living that "normal" life you so desire

I wish for you strength to make that first step....You can do it and we're all here to help you on your way....good days and bad

Take good care!
J

[Juliana]

Fenerous, I've been in a very similar situation. I had agoraphobia for 3 years. You get the same kind of panic attacks as me. At first, I didn't even know they were panic attacks, because not being able to swallow isn't a really common symptom. But, that's the form my panic took. If I stepped outside my door, my throat would tighten up and I couldn't swallow. When I would go to the doctor (I had to be DRAGGED there by family or friends), I couldn't talk because I would be gritting my teeth and clenching my jaw and unable to swallow and have a mouth full of spit. I would have to go to the bathroom to spit and I couldn't swallow unless I was alone and even then, I would have to hold onto something and focus really hard on swallowing. I would have panic attacks if I even tried to sit out on my back deck. I was completely housebound and TERRIFIED about the thought of being anywhere other than in the safe zone of my own flat.

I thought I would NEVER get better. My doc did what your doc is doing, though. She gave me 0.5 mg Clonazepam to take each night before bed. I was scared of taking anything because I don't like drugs. It did WONDERS for me, though. It didn't change my personality or make me feel like I wasn't myself. It just made me feel more like my PREVIOUS self... just less panicked. It made me calm enough to go to weekly appointments with a Cognitive Behaviour Therapist and a psychiatrist (before the Clonazepam, I would not have been able to leave my home twice a week for appointments). My psychiatrist eventually prescribed Celexa in addition to the Clonazepam and CBT worked very well for me. Within 4 months of starting therapy, I was back at work full-time and only having occasional -- much milder -- panic attacks. That was a little over 2 years ago. I'm on Lexapro now and haven't had a panic attack in 3 months. I socialize, I go shopping, I go for long walks, I have a demanding, rewarding job, I travelled (numerous flights) all over the U.S. last summer, interviewed the lead singer of my favourite band, went to rock concerts, etc. I feel like I have my life back and I feel like I'm getting back to the person I was BEFORE I got sick. If someone had told me 3 years ago that this was possible, I would have called them a liar.

Don't give up hope. You CAN get better! I didn't believe that the panic would EVER go away, but it did. Clonazepam made me drowsy, but apart from that, the only effect it had was taking the edge off my anxiety and making me calm enough to get the therapy I needed. Good luck! You're on your way to getting better.

[Maven]

I am very familiar with the "problems swallowing," which is how I phrased it, too. It was much worse when I was a teenager in school (probably because I was in a much more anxiety-inducing time and place). I wasn't afraid of choking on saliva, but I just couldn't swallow, and it was really scary. That itself could make me panicky.

I haven't been on the drug you are, but these meds usually help to some degree, and often have side effects. They won't change your likes and dislikes, and what makes you happy will still make you happy, and what makes you mad will still make you mad. However, I did find that some of my "passion" left, and I'm not referring to sexual desire (although, that, too, was an issue). By passion, I mean the strong feelings that make me feel alive, and really enjoy life. Some may prefer that, because they may find it helps them deal with emotions that seem all over the place, but I'm not that bad with that kind of thing. I'm going off meds, a little at a time, under my shrink's care, but I've been on many different and combinations of meds for 29 years.

You can research the medication for side effects that are likely for that specific medication. Common side effects for psych meds in general include dry mouth, sleepiness, fatigue, dizziness, appetite increase or decrease, decrease in sex drive, and some others, but most will pass after a few days.

I recommend keeping a chart of any changes that occur when the meds are increased or decreased. For instance, if you find you're in a better or worse mood (with nothing to cause these moods), or experience unusual physical symptoms, after a change in meds, note that, and let your pdoc know. If it's something especially odd or worrisome, like tremors, let the pdoc know right away; don't wait for your next appointment.

One bit of advice I read long ago, when I was more afraid of taking new meds (I'm still nervous anytime I do), is to see if they'll let you sit in the waiting room after your first (and, if needed second) dose. Maybe even with another patient who's also taking a med for the first time, or just someone to sit with you. Even if not in the office, maybe someone else who's a patient can be with you, or again, a friend just to be with you.

[Fenerous]

Thanks again, and my GOD do I know what your talking about with the swallowing, I always have to hold onto something in order to swallow, or ill have to move my ar really fast to "devert" my brain for a moment so I can do it...I just always thought I was a freak because of that =/

[Maven]

No, you're not a freak. I grab onto something, too, partially in my panic, to distract my mind and allow me to calm down enough to swallow (obviously the panicking only makes it worse). Sometimes taking a drink helps.

[Juliana]

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Fenerous said:

Thanks again, and my GOD do I know what your talking about with the swallowing, I always have to hold onto something in order to swallow, or ill have to move my ar really fast to "devert" my brain for a moment so I can do it...I just always thought I was a freak because of that =/

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We're not freaks... it's just how our bodies deal with panic. When I first started recovering, whenever I went for a walk, I would have to hold onto a tree in order to swallow. I'm sure I must have looked terribly weird to some people -- because I basically had to stop for a moment and put my hand against every tree I passed, but it got better. Maybe they just thought, "Wow, that woman really loves trees!"

P.S. I think the reason I had to hold onto something in order to swallow is because, in addition to the inability to swallow, I was holding my breath or breathing very shallowly. So, I would feel faint and unsteady... and facing the fear of making myself swallow was so scary, I needed to make sure I was supported by something before I tried -- so I wouldn't fall down. The feeling of choking and not being able to swallow was so overwhelming it took me a long time to even notice that I was holding my breath or doing the shallow breathing thing. CBT helped me recognize -- and change -- that.