Forgiving Yourself...

I have a difficult time forgiving myself for past mistakes or rights of passage that didn't go as planned or as I had been told that they would go growing up. I have done things that I am not happy about that make me feel inadequate and dumb founded by my naivity (at the age I was).

How do I "let go" of my past mistakes and not allow them to control my life or my anxiety levels?

That's a tough one, Pilatus. I made a conscious decision many years ago that I would not regret anything. I'm adamant with myself about that. Since I always followed my heart and did what I thought was right at the time, there's nothing to reproach myself for. We can't know HOW things are going to turn out when we do them. So, we just do the best we can. We can't change the past. We can only work on today and try to do better in the future.

Our lives are filled with so many firsts... and since we have never done them before, how can we expect to know how to do all of them? Of course we make mistakes... because we're making it up as we go along. We need to give ourselves permission to be human and learn from our mistakes rather than blaming ourselves for them.

Juliana is so right! When we are learning anything, we cannot be expected to be perfect....especially when it comes to life. Life is not perfect.

I heard a comment the other day that really resounded in me - "Once something is done, it's done. There is no sense in feeling guilty or kicking ourselves for not handling it better. What is in the past cannot be changed, but the experience is there for us to build upon, to learn from." Feeling guilty for a past experience is wasteful. We end up spending too much time worrying over it that we don't spend enough time on the present or the future.

Repeat to yourself...."I am worthy of my forgiveness. I am human and I do the best I can." I don't care if you have to repeat it 1000 times a day....before you know it, you will believe it!!!



Hugssssssssss
J

big issue that one ,i have done many things in my life only with hindsight do i look back and realise why i did them i usually did them for self preservation and survival,doesn't help me in forgiving myself.failure to forgive yourself can be due to your early years,i was brought up in a harsh unforgiving environment where the slightest error was punished, forgiveness was not in the equation if anything the only way to be good was by being bad!! the words that still haunt me are my father's 'you can forgive but can't forgive' i know now that as an adult we all make mistakes and i am one of the most forgiving people i know ,trouble is i can't forgive myself,i see it as part of self harming behaviour i have asked my higher power to allow me to forgive myself,i have a daily mantra' we must forgive ourselves for our weaknesses ' but the guilt still goes on.... hope you forgive yourself x

Can anyone explore deeper about the idea of how a harsh or abusive childhood causes one to have a hard time forgiving themselves?

because forgiveness wasn't practiced on you by your family?

my parents fought and always said , "i'd leave you if it wasn't for pat".........i learned early that something was my fault at home.

My family used and uses guilt to get me to do what they want me to do, and that guilt often makes me feel like I'm a bad person, even when I know there's no logical or sensible reason for it. Religious guilt, personal guilt, it's all very destructive.

I did some things that weren't nice, or were simply wrong, and even did some things wrong not by intent but by carelessness. Those are things I do regret, particular when I've hurt someone without meaning to.

I don't know how not to feel regret; I've tried to change that about myself, but I guess too many people have told me how bad I am, how insensitive, how uncaring, how selfish, how stupid, how mean, etc., I am. Most are people who can't fathom what it's like to have OCD. People who think I don't care about my mom, and that I don't feel guilty that I can't do more to help her. I love my mom, but she did some abusive things to me, but nobody wants to acknowledge or believe that.

Not just my mom, to be fair. My dad, too. When I was a kid, he told me I'd better not pee in bed again (I didn't have a chronic problem with it, but it happened sometimes), or he'd wipe the pee or poop in my face. I peed, and he wiped my panties in my face. I told that to my mom's religious friend, and she LAUGHED. People told me I deserved some of the abusive things that happened to me. I HATE these people.

To sum up, I wish I could tell you how to not regret your actions and thoughts, and how to forgive yourself for mistakes, and stop blaming yourself for things that weren't your fault, but I'm unable. For what it's worth, though, you're not alone.

hi again there are a lots of ideas about forgiveness from religious ones to social ones ,i wish i had the answer ,ultimately we must forgive ourselves in this moment,as how can another person forgive us? priests were often the person you went to to unburden your sins ,do we need a third party in order to forgive ourselves maybe there is something in a trouble shared a trouble halved, do we ask too much of ourselves and others? i'm really with you with this one

I am so grateful to have found this thread, as I totally identify with not forgiving myself for past "mistakes."
The answers here have been so compassionate and insightful, and so much like my own experiences, both, as a child in an unhappy, unforgiving home, and later in my attempts to find love and acceptance.
Over the past three years I have secluded myself from relationships of the romantic kind because of the painful consequences of past mistakes, not forgiving myself for foolish behaviors.
Reading the comments here is very helpful to me.
Patty

I've been in a "self-help book phase." i read about this in THE LITTLE BOOK OF LETTING GO by Hugh Prather. It was helpful.

As I stated earlier....I believe one must tell themselves on a daily basis that they are worthy of self-forgiveness. If one isn't brought up in a lifestyle that supported forgiveness, one doesn't learn how to forgive themselves. Once you practice at forgiving yourself by making it a daily thing, one can learn to forgive oneself.

I went through a long period (most of my adult life) not being able to love or forgive myself. Not because I didn't have it growing up, but for some reason or another I have very low self esteem issues. (working on them constantly). A friend of mine helped me with learning to love myself. He taught me to look in the mirror every day and tell myself how wonderful I am and that I love myself. It sounded foreign and silly coming out of my mouth. I didn't like doing it. I felt stupid and would yell at myself in the mirror. But I kept doing it....every single day, sometimes many times a day. Lo and behold, within a short period of time, I began to feel better about myself. I began to listen to the positive words and take them to heart. It actually worked!!! I'm not 100% there yet, but I'm closer than I've ever been to feeling good about myself.

As with anything, practice makes perfect. (at least as close to perfect as one can get LOL)

Hugsssssss
J

Wow... that's kind of incredible, actually. I've had the same thing suggested to me, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I tried a few times, but it felt pretty idiotic to me, too. I didn't believe what I was saying at all... then again, I don't believe when other people tell me I'm good either, so there you go! No self esteem whatsoever over here, which is odd 'cause I LOVE getting up in front of people, acting, singing, making presentations, whatever.

Despite my fairly emo rantings up there, I am SO SO SO GLAD to hear that you're winning this battle, Sabau.
hugs,
~muse

Isn't that a funny thing? I have low self-esteem about a lot of things, yet I love acting, making presentations, etc., too. If I could sing, I'd love doing that, too.

I know what you mean, Maven. My self-esteem is pretty good I think, but I have anxiety about going to the mall or having to talk to a stranger one-on-one at a cocktail party. I love making presentations, though, having all eyes focused on me, and everyone listening to what I have to say... and I used to sing and play piano in front of hundreds of people and never had stage fright. A reporter can stick a microphone in my face (I'm the media liaison for my employer) and I'm totally at ease. I'm much more comfortable in a job interview with a panel of evaluators than I am in the grocery store buying milk or riding on a public bus.

hi guys

awesome thread; thanks everyone. really neat posts.

(((((((((((((((to all of us having difficulty forgiving ourselves))))))))))))))

some very insightful members (actually all who posted, here)........

i have a few sayings about trying to let go but currently having probs remembering them. sabs, pm me pls (if you want) & I'll try to dig them out.

I have a really funny one -- a "deep thought" by Jack Handy - SNL -- it's packed away @ the moment. But one day when I'm tossing & turning in bed or pondering life whilst riding the bus or showering or smthg, I'll think of it..........so stay tuned.........it is hilarous.

take care everyone.

des

Because we believe we are bad, flawed, and undeserving of forgiveness.

ECHOES

"The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, 'Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me.'"

-- Jack Handy, Deep Thoughts, SNL

ROFLMAO

Hey there,

I was reading through the threads. What resonates is that part of feeling guilty comes from childhood. Its so long ago. It never affected me till now. I sued to be bubbly and confident. Then I inherited the same mental illness as mum, my dad passed away when I was young. I hate having the illness, negative thinking and hating myself. I don't want to blame my mum but I feel its unfair I was ok for most of my life trying to be there for her. Now I am have the same illness. How long will it take,its been three years and I am over it. The thing about not feeling good about yourself is that is not tangible. Its something in our thinking that we must try remap. I just want to be happy and stop reliving the past. More fun and happy times being random without worrying.I feel stupid unattractive and not loved. I made some mistakes which I am taking some responsibility for but carrying a burden with me everyday is too much. I don't want to be a victim anymore I want to live in the present. Because I was unwell I feel that I will be defined this way forever. Even though mentally I am quite stable I'm just unhappy. Any advice?

I've had plenty wreckage in my life - some of it I did and some of it was done to me. Here is what works for me:

If what is keeping me from peace of mind if something in the past that I was responsible for that hurt someone else, I can choose to make an amend for my error. If it involves something another has done to me, I can choose to talk to them about it, without an expectation that they will own it ... just to say how I feel.

Beyond those two scenarios, the best way I can let go of the past is to focus on the present. I am learning that nothing from the past can hurt me in the present moment and the present moment is wonderfully serene because by it's very nature does not involve the past or future.

I used to love attention, but as a child I hated it, getting up in front of the class for a paper to read scarred me the most. In high school I was a bit obnoxious, because I thought I had to be the class clown. In fact i still enjoy being a "clown". The other thing I can't handle is going to the grocery store, and church, and getting on a bus.

How does forgiving yourself make any sense. You parents have you and you screw up and its your fault? I don't understand.