Bad Day of Worrying

Hi Folks... I'm new to this forum and I came looking for it because I had a really bad day with my OCD and I feel hopeless, exhausted and embarassed that my husband and one of my friends had to listen to my rantings. My OCD is mostly about an irrational fear that harm will come to someone I know and care about. I've been on and off Serzone and I really don't like being on drugs so I'm trying to conquer this with my own personal power and the knowledge that it's a chemical imbalance, not reality. So anyway, today's "episode" has been coming on since Friday night when I called a friend of mine who lives in New York City. He is a drug user and former heroin addict. I think he is having problems with Oxycontin right now and he told me he took heroin the other day which freaked me out because I don't want him to slip into addiction again-- he gets really skinny and I don't hear from him for 6 months or more. He's a sweet guy and I worry about him ODing or getting killed buying drugs-- whatever can happen in crazy NYC... and I'm sorry if I'm not being really coherent with this post, but I'm a basket case because I've been calling him since Friday night and now it's Sunday night and I haven't heard back from him. He has about 100 friends and people in his life, so I know he's busy and I'm not as high a priority to him as he is to me because of my OCD... I worry about him constantly and we've gotten in the habit lately of talking at least once a week. I'm exhausted from what I put myself through today. I couldn't function and I wasted the whole day pacing and calling him and leaving stupid messages that say, "I'm really worried. Please call me. I have to hear from you." I've told him about my OCD so I keep thinking he would have called if he was okay because he knows I worry. I've been going around in circles with my thoughts all day... if anyone else does this and has a trick for how to stop the train of bad thoughts, please let me know. It's 9:20 in AZ, so I'm guessing unless there are any west coast people out there, I won't get an answer til tomorrow. I hope I can sleep tonight. I already had a dream that my friend died, which is part of the reason I'm so freaked out. I think I'm going to take some Tylenol PM and go to bed soon. I've been doing fine-- really good-- for months and this hit me like a Mack truck today and rendered me helpless. Then everything else started bothering me like what my husband must think of me when I do this (he's very supportive and understanding and tells me he loves me and my OCD very much... I'm lucky but I don't feel very lucky right now.)

Okay, sorry this was a long one. Thank you in advance for any advice and support. May we all have a better day tomorrow!

Hugs,
Kelly

It seems nobody felt inspired to connect with me on this one... If my friend hadn't called yesterday, I'd probably be feeling pretty bad about everything right now. But he finally called and we had a really good heart to heart talk about my OCD and he agreed to check in with me twice a week. He was so supportive and understanding. And even though he said he'd call regularly, I said this mantra so I wouldn't put all my stock in it: "Breathing in, I am filled with calmness and acceptance. Breathing out, I let go of expectations." So, thanks for reading my posts. It felt good to talk to someone, even though no one responded. Hopefully I'll get to talk to some of you at some point... I've read a bunch of different threads and you all seem like a genuine bunch of people who are really helping each other. I wish you all peace and wellness.

Hello Kel,
I completely relate to what you are going through and I am so sorry we all didn't respond sooner. I have OCD as well and I suffer from irrational fears of loved ones being harmed. I know what you are going through! OCD is one of the must intense anxiety disorders out there. I myself am on medication for this that helps me out alot! Before being on medication for it I was an absolute MESS! Didn't sleep, paced, didn't eat, etc. With the medication my life has improved 70 percent of what it was. You mention taking Serozene. Serozene I believe is an older medication that has quite a bit of side effects. I myself am on Lexapro which is a new medication and like I said it helps me a GREAT deal plus I got to therapy every 2 weeks. Both the medication and therapy has made a HUGE difference in my OCD treatment. There are many medications out there that work wonders for OCD! Lexapro, Luvox, Anafranil, Celexa, Zoloft just to name a few and most have minimal side effects. Myself personally I don't suffer from any side effects at all with Lexapro. I strongly urge you to consider other medications if you don't decide to go the route of medication therapy then you should hook up with and OCD specialist. Try this link : http://www.ocfoundation.org/ to find a specialist in your area. Good Luck! Please keep us updated! If you would like you can add me to your address book or instant messenger and we can chat anytime.

Thanks for the support and encouragement, Ozzie & Sunshine (my husband calls me Sunshine ;-) isn't that sweet?

That's good to know about the other drugs like Lexapro. I am going to call a med management psych office today and see if I can't get an appointment because last night I had a little anxiety and OCD after watching a show on HBO called "Real Autopsy". I should mention that one of my OCD fears is the fear of death for myself, in addition to worrying that harm will come to my loved ones and pets. I am quite obsessed with death and strangely I am also fascinated with the medical side of things. I have no problem watching surgeries or looking through forensic pathology books (which I did the other day and man oh man there were some gruesome photos in there...). But anyway, this show I watched last night wasn't just medical in nature-- it also told an in depth story about how this young married couple from Canada went around torturing and murdering victims, including the bride's sister who was raped by both of them! A young woman raping her own sister! I was horrified, as I often am when I hear stories of brutality (I never watch the news or read the paper for this reason). So anyway, I kept trying to change the channel but I was riveted and I have to have closure so I waited til that story was over and shut off the TV. Then I got all freaked out because I wasn't in my own home with my husband-- I am a pet sitter and I was doing a sleepover in a client's house. I started worrying that someone would break in and do something unspeakable to me. But-- I talked myself out of it! I'm so pleased by that because normally my brain is like a snowball rolling down a hill and before I know it, I'm clammy and breathing hard and pacing, etc. But I decided to try to think logically about it and I said things like, "Okay, this big dog always barks when there's a noise outside. That would be a warning and if she doesn't bark, I'll know I'm safe." And I have pepper spray, so that gives me some sense of safety... etc. etc. But it took me about an hour to calm down enough to go to sleep. And I was still a little anxious in my sleep so I think it's time to get back on meds. I'm also experiencing some pretty bad back pain recently and that's making me anxious. Part of my OCD is... what do you call it? Hypochondria. I keep thinking something terminal is wrong with me. Like cancer. Today I woke up and ran to the computer thinking I have fibromyalgia... I'm really tired of my brain acting like it does. I wish I could take it out and leave it in a cupboard for a day. Ha ha!

Sorry I think I just babbled. I think that's part of my OCD too. I always feel like I have to tell every morsel of information or something bad will happen if a morsel is missing... Aye aye aye...

Have a peaceful day, everyone. I'm going to call a dr. right now...

-k.

Hey Kel,
I am glad to hear that you will be seeking med management. I really think it will do wonders for you! I say that because my OCD is almost exactly word for word what you describe, fear of having a disease/dying and fear of harm coming to loved ones, and medication and therapy has had AMAZING positive results with me. Believe me when I tell you it DOES get better it really does! I also watch medical shows and I know I shouldn't but I do. It is like I am hypnotized and can't look away. Before medication for my OCD I use to be obsessed with looking up any symptoms I had a sneeze, rash, whatever because I assumed that any symptoms of anything must mean I have a major illness. I am so much better now though I RARELY go on to these websites anymore and if I do I RARELY get panicky about it. What also helps for me is that my husband has become more aware of my OCD "triggers" and if he sees me watching something that he knows will bother me he will kinda get me to snap out it by saying "Jen you know you shouldn't watch this" and he will change the channel for me. Sounds like your husband is supportive too so maybe if he helps you with your "triggers" that will give you even more help with your OCD. Good Luck! Please keep us posted!

Jennifer

Hey Kel,
Thought you and other people on this forum my find this link helpful:
http://www.adaa.org/index.cfm

Hey Kelly, I just want to welcome you. I am sorry I didn't respond sooner. I hope you keep posting, this is a good place ...

Take care,
Fuzzy

Thanks, you guys. It's so nice to have people in the same boat as I am to go to for support and friendship.

I called a med management doc and was told he couldn't see me, and they refered me to my old doc who rubbed me the wrong way, so I'm going to call my ins. co. again tomorrow and get some more referrals.

Thanks for the links to those websites. I'm going to check them out right now.

-k.