[Hope26]

Hello to everybody ☺️

Im new in this Forum and i just want to apologize in advance for my english! It's not my first language !

I need some support from you guys! I will try to make it as short as possible ☺️.

About 2 years ago it all started with a full blown panic attack ! At the first time i didn't know what was happening to me so I drove to the emergency! They told me that I was ok and it was due to stress ! It was hard for me to believe it! I'm a mom of two beautiful little children (2 and 4) and yes I causes stress sometimes but I just could not believe that stress can cause something like that ! In a short time I experienced everything from depersonalisation to derealization and even more ! At first I thought I might have a brain tumour, or a stroke and I feard that I might have something with the heart !
I was doctor shopping ,went from one to the other just to exclude that this panic attack was a sign of being physical ill! When the docs told me that I was ok, I believed them and my fears went away ! But not the dp and dr I experienced! This feelings made me think that I could be a danger for my kids and that I could harm them because it felt so much like I will lose touch with reality! I did a lot of Google research what was probably the worst thing I could to ! My intense fear of becoming schizophrenic was born! And from that one I live with that fear every day !

I startet to obsess with all the symptoms this issue brings with it ! I started to experience hypnagogic hallucinations what made me believe even harder that I will develop psychosis ! Then I started to make commanding voices up in my mind just to prove that this are just my thoughts and not voices and just to prove that I won't act on them (my) voices! It was and still is the hell for me being around my lovely kids because I am so scared that I will out of the blue go crazy and doing something terrible to them !

I also read about delusions and I started to obsess about them ! Do I think that people around me are plotting against me ?? What if I would truly believe that ? Yesterday the thought that my husband could try to kill my cause I am a pain in the *** for him just pops in my head and I just began to cry my soul out cause I don't want to think stuff like that and I definitely don't want to believe it ! But what if I already do? I mean why would I think about it ! And although I know my husband would never do it , You can never be 100% sure !! So am I delusional now??? Or is it just because I read so much about schizophrenia that my anyxous/ocd mind feets me with that fear ?

I went to a few therapeuts and they told me that I am not schizophrenic but I just can't believe it! I know it sais that if you fear going crazy , you are probably sane ! And if you questioning if you are delusional ,you are not ! Cause delusional people don't question their beliefs! But some time in my google career I also read ,that in the beginning of a psychosis you can have little insight !

I just don't want to go crazy! I don't want to go to a mental hospital and have to be away for a long time from my baby's ! I don't want my baby's to experience something like that ! They deserve and need a functioning mum ! Not a mom which need to take medicine and without it will not be able to function under stress !

Sorry again for my English ! I hope for some replies and helpful answers

Ps. I also have a constant mind chatter and I a scared that this is the beginning of hearing voices 😟

[-jimi-]

I think you have to accept what the doctors say that you have anxiety. Learn about your particular type of anxiety disorder. Also realize when anxiety disorders run this deep they can be horrid and disabling, people actually sometimes go to hospital "just" because of anxiety.

You have to learn to live without reassurance that you are not developing schizophrenia, reassurance keeps the illness alive. Tough I know.

[mama pajama]

I got over my fear of developing schizophrenia when I read a self help book for anxiety. The author says it's a common fear with people who suffer from anxiety. He wrote questions to ask yourself if you are worrying about that. 1. Do you believe you are a god? 2. Do you think the government is tapping your phones? If you say no to those questions, you probably don't have schizophrenia.

I don't know if that's outdated and doesn't apply anymore but it snapped me out of that fear. I even had a close relative diagnosed with schizophrenia 5 years ago and I didn't even think of my old fear at all. Ive had episodes where I thought ppl were giving me dirty looks and smirking at me on the street when they had no clue who I was. I know that was all anxiety, nothing more.

[Hope26]

Thank you so so much both of you for your replies ! It's so helpful and good to know that there are some people that feel with you ,listen to you and give you some help!!

Jimi you are absolutely right ! I have to trust in the diagnosis from the therapists I have seen ! But it's very hard ! Everytime I try and everytime I feel even less better the "what if" thoughts coming in my head ! What If my pdoc misdiagnosed me ! What if I haven't told the important things and missed something? What if I have insight because of my research in the Internet and because of that I can observe me slipping slowley into psychosis ? It's a never ending story in my head ☹️

Mama pajama it's so so good to read ,that you could overcome this horrible fear ! I live with that for nearly 2 years now and nothing really seems to help �� I just wish from the deepest of my heart that one day I can say that I could overcome this fear without actually went crazy!

[Hope26]

Thank you so so much both of you for your replies ! It feels good and in some way calmes me down to know ,that there are people listening to you and trying to help you 😌
Jimi you are absolutely right! I have to believe and trust in what the pdocs told me ! It's just so hard to be honest. I go there and I feel much better after that ! I then know that I probably really suffer anxiety and ocd! But all the time I start to feel better the "what if" questions just pop in my head ! Like "what if the pdoc misdiagnosed me?"
"What if I just missed to tell something very important? Something that will prove that I become schizophrenic ?"
"What if I have enough insight because of my research on the Internet and because of that I can yet distinguish between what is real and what is not ?"

It's like my brain doesn't allow me to feel good !

Mama pajama it feels great to read about somebody who made it overcome this horrible fear! I deal with that kind of fear for nearly 2 years nowand at the moment it feels like I have to live with that for the rest of my life ! From the deepest of my heart I just wish that one day I can say that I could overcome this huge fear without went crazy !

[MusicLover82]

Sounds like OCD and anxiety. I hear mind chatter, too, and it's not anything to worry about, my psychiatrist and therapist said. It's different from hearing voices. If you were hearing voices you would think there was actually a source of noise in the room with you.

OCD obsessive thoughts can often seem like delusions because they are irrational fears. I would recommend seeing a good therapist to find ways to cope with your obsessive thoughts about becoming psychotic. If you do any compulsions, you need to learn to stop doing them to stop the cycle of the obsessions--> compulsions--> obsessions, etc. My compulsion is to try to get reassurance from other people about my obsessions, so I've learned not to talk about my obsessions much, if at all. That's just an example. You can learn how to do this from The OCD Workbook. It's an excellent resource. Keep in mind there is such a thing as having pure obsessions without compulsions. It's a form of OCD.

Also, there is a natural supplement my psychiatrist recommended to me for obsessive thoughts. It's called NAC and it works VERY well. I take 3,000 mg a day when I'm obsessing a lot. This is my favorite brand: https://www.amazon.com/Source-Natura...7&keywords=NAC

Best wishes for learning how to reduce your obsessions. With proper treatment, they can become less and less powerful and even go away. ((HUGS))

[Hope26]

I already answered yesterday but for some reason it does not work

Try it again ....

Thank you so so much the 3 of you for answering .... It helps a lot to know that there are some people listening to you and try to help you ...

Jimi you are absolutely right ! I just have to learn to trust what the pdocs told me ! It's just really hard ! When I went for my appointment I always felt really good and Deep down i knew that i am mit Crazy! Bitte ist always the same...when I start to feel better the "what if" questions just pop in my mind

"What if the pdoc misdiagnosed me?"
"What if I missed telling something really important! Something what would prove that I'm on my way to go crazy?"
"What if because of all my research I yet have insight?"
It's a never ending story like my kind would not allow me to feel good ! Not even a bit

Mama pajama , it helps a lot to read about somebody who could overcome this horrible fear ... It is one of my biggest wishes ,that one day I can say that I could overcome this fear aswell ! But this fear it's with me for nearly 2 years know and it does not seem like she wants to leave at all

Thank you aswell for your answer MusicLover82....
You are absolutely right ... Seeking for reassurance is my obsession aswell ! I am seeking in the Internet , I always ask friends or family and my husband ! Al the time ? Am I acting weird ? Did you hear that aswell ?!? Stuff like that ! An googling aaaaaall the time ! This is aswell like an obsession 😒

[mama pajama]

Hope26, (((hugs))) I completely understand! If it helps I had my fear for around 7 years. Like I said I have a close family member that ever since I was a child was convinced that another person was reading her mind and would put words in her head. She did get diagnosed with it 5 years ago too. So when I was old enough to learn about schizophrenia and having a close family member that has it makes a person more susceptible, I was beyond terrified of it. Like you, I obsessed about every single thought and all the "what ifs?"

After reading up on it and talking with others, the fear has vanished. Don't google symptoms of schizophrenia" instead Google "fear of developing schizophrenia" you will see how anxiety can mimic the same symptoms but they are definitely two different things. Having a lot of knowledge on schizophrenia does not make you more likely to develop it. If that were true than think of all the Drs and therapists, nurses, that would've developed it. Schizophrenia usual develops in early teenage years, not your 20's. Schizophrenics do not believe there's anything wrong with them. The very fact that you are obsessing about it is proof that you are not in danger of developing it. When I had my kids I had sooo many racing thoughts that I thought were horrible. Like "omg what if I black out and smother my kids?" The very fact that I had those thoughts made me think I must be a horrible person. They are just thoughts, nothing more. I feel like I was miserable for the first couple years of my kids lives and I look back and wish I would of enjoyed everything more. I was really helped by reading up on anxiety the most. I really like CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy.

I think there could be a connection between your panic attacks and having your second child. I know my mind wouldn't stop racing after I had my kids. I'm sure it was due to the hormones and whatnot.

Good luck to you hon!

[MusicLover82]

Originally Posted by Hope26

I already answered yesterday but for some reason it does not work


Try it again ....


Thank you so so much the 3 of you for answering .... It helps a lot to know that there are some people listening to you and try to help you ...


Jimi you are absolutely right ! I just have to learn to trust what the pdocs told me ! It's just really hard ! When I went for my appointment I always felt really good and Deep down i knew that i am mit Crazy! Bitte ist always the same...when I start to feel better the "what if" questions just pop in my mind


"What if the pdoc misdiagnosed me?"

"What if I missed telling something really important! Something what would prove that I'm on my way to go crazy?"

"What if because of all my research I yet have insight?"

It's a never ending story like my kind would not allow me to feel good ! Not even a bit


Mama pajama , it helps a lot to read about somebody who could overcome this horrible fear ... It is one of my biggest wishes ,that one day I can say that I could overcome this fear aswell ! But this fear it's with me for nearly 2 years know and it does not seem like she wants to leave at all


Thank you aswell for your answer MusicLover82....

You are absolutely right ... Seeking for reassurance is my obsession aswell ! I am seeking in the Internet , I always ask friends or family and my husband ! Al the time ? Am I acting weird ? Did you hear that aswell ?!? Stuff like that ! An googling aaaaaall the time ! This is aswell like an obsession

If you think you are having obsessions and doing compulsions, make sure your doctor knows. That can affect the dose of antidepressants they put you on (generally OCD requires a higher dose). They can also give you something to calm the severe anxiety (benzo like Xanax, Klonopin, Valium, Ativan, etc.). Just be really honest about your symptoms. Best wishes!!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Hope26]

Hey MusicLover82,

Thanks again for your Reply

I am not on any meds so far cause I fear them aswell 😒

My pdoc knows about that I am seeking for reassurance ! I also talked to a therapist from a special hospital for early signs of psychosis ! He said that he can't talk to me anymore cause this would just feed my ice and anxiety ! I have to learn to deal with it ... It's just so hard 😒

[-jimi-]

People can be hypochondriac to mental illness as well as physical ones. It is that nasty "What if someone missed something?", there is always degrees of unknown. Accepting the unknown is hard. We need to sort of be oblivious to most kinds of fears when you think of it, or we would think of it all day.

Going from not thinking about something to thinking about it is rather easy, but it is quite hard to tuck thoughts back into the unconscious. Sometimes distractions can help.

Thinking of you and I hope you feel better soon.

[Hope26]

Mama pajama

I could feel your hugs and it made me feel so much better....thank you so much for that

It gives me a lot of strength when I am reading your posts! You try to answer every single bit of my worrys and the fact that you exactly know what I am talking about because you had to go through it aswell makes me feel comfortable in one way because it gives me hope that I can get better and that I am not going crazy

[mama pajama]

so glad to hear that Hope26! its possible to overcome this! In my case it was my parent that was diagnosed so you can imagine how scary and real that was! Another trick that really helped me was a exercise I did. You face the fear by just trying as hard as you can to become schizophrenic for 5-10 min. Just try as hard as you can. I realize how scary that sounds but once I did that it wiped away the last of my fear for good.
Good luck!