I wouldn't call this anxiety but more of a phobia.

I'm afraid of showing anything that I consider a "weakness" in public. I avoid showing emotions (especially sadness), looking stupid or incompetent, telling others what I think, or engaging people in small talk because I suck at it.

I'm not afraid of people in general and can be very confident when I have the advantage, but if I don't, I keep my defenses up.

I always have my guard up in public or when being forced to socialize with strangers. I'm often rude to people or make myself appear aggressive even going to the extreme of wearing intimidating black "metalhead" or "biker" clothes just to protect myself and I always wear sunglasses or tinted glasses so people can't look into my eyes and see any signs of anything that they can exploit to their advantage.

The way I see it is it's better to be feared than pitied because if somebody is afraid of you, they won't hurt you and exploit your weaknesses to their advantage whereas if you show weakness, then you might as well have a big red target over your head because others will be in line to hurt you somehow.

Underneath the mask though, I'm a fragile generally kind person. I'm just afraid to show kindness to those who I don't know because kindness can be exploited as well.

If I have to socialize with somebody important, I find myself researching their weaknesses and learning about their personality before I engage them so I can have the advantage. When dealing with powerful people who you need to get ahead either career or business wise, I see showing any form of weakness or incompetence to them as the worst thing you can possibly do.

Finally, when I'm at the store, I always have my guard up and I'm always on the lookout which makes it hard for me to keep focus on my budget and often causes me to make mistakes. Normally, I'm good at math, but I spend most of my energy keeping my defenses up which makes it difficult for me.

Anybody else have any similar issues here?

[Kaylord]

Hey there!

I can't say that I personally have similar issues, quite the opposite actually, but my husband definitely has these same issues (we both listen to metal and dress in mostly all black as well, lol).

Because I get to see who he truly is behind closed doors, it has always been very strange watching and interacting with him in social settings. He completely shuts down unless he has some liquid happiness (liquor). He constantly looks over his shoulder, immediately gauges who is talking to, how much respect they deserve, how quickly he can beat their *** if need be... it's very off putting to be honest.

Even after 6 years together, 3 of which being married, he still doesn't fully trust me. Not because of anything that I have done, but because he believes that like everyone else, I will end up hurting him. And he cant allow himself to be that vulnerable.

I certainly have my ideas on why he is this way, and I'm guessing that they are similar as to why you show these traits as well. But I will tell you this... I am also not one to show much weakness, and I personally am very opposite of you and my husband... but I am rarely taken advantage of and almost never hurt by others.

I'm sure this helps you about 0%. Sorry

Originally Posted by Kaylord

Hey there!

I can't say that I personally have similar issues, quite the opposite actually, but my husband definitely has these same issues (we both listen to metal and dress in mostly all black as well, lol).

Because I get to see who he truly is behind closed doors, it has always been very strange watching and interacting with him in social settings. He completely shuts down unless he has some liquid happiness (liquor). He constantly looks over his shoulder, immediately gauges who is talking to, how much respect they deserve, how quickly he can beat their *** if need be... it's very off putting to be honest.

Even after 6 years together, 3 of which being married, he still doesn't fully trust me. Not because of anything that I have done, but because he believes that like everyone else, I will end up hurting him. And he cant allow himself to be that vulnerable.

I certainly have my ideas on why he is this way, and I'm guessing that they are similar as to why you show these traits as well. But I will tell you this... I am also not one to show much weakness, and I personally am very opposite of you and my husband... but I am rarely taken advantage of and almost never hurt by others.

I'm sure this helps you about 0%. Sorry

Thanks. For the record, I wish there were more women like you around who would give guys like me or your husband a fair chance without expecting us to fully open up before you would consider loving us.

It sucks that one who is already as damaged as me should have to work for a basic necessity like love, especially since most of my family wants nothing to do with me and I have 2 people in my life who show me any kind of love; one who doesn't understand me and one who lives clear across the country and has her own mental illnesses.

I have learned to accept that life is cruel and heartless and suffering is the only guarantee in life, therefore, the only way to survive and thrive is let suffering empower you and become more ruthless and cunning to get ahead.

[Kaylord]

I promise you that there are plenty of women out there who can accept you. Honestly, one of the biggest reasons I completely accept my husband is because I too know the struggle of depression and anxiety. I guess it's the "two wrongs can make a right" thing.

I'm sorry you don't have a support system. That must be insanely taxing emotionally. I know I don't know you, but I'll be here to talk and listen if you ever need to.

Life really is cruel sometimes. And just plain unfair. Hopefully it will start to turn around for you. I'll keep my fingers crossed for the both of us.

Originally Posted by Kaylord

I promise you that there are plenty of women out there who can accept you. Honestly, one of the biggest reasons I completely accept my husband is because I too know the struggle of depression and anxiety. I guess it's the "two wrongs can make a right" thing.

I'm sorry you don't have a support system. That must be insanely taxing emotionally. I know I don't know you, but I'll be here to talk and listen if you ever need to.

Life really is cruel sometimes. And just plain unfair. Hopefully it will start to turn around for you. I'll keep my fingers crossed for the both of us.

That's means a lot to me. Thanks.

[Kaylord]

You are very welcome!

And thank you for the friend request

[jaymoq]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

I wouldn't call this anxiety but more of a phobia.

I'm afraid of showing anything that I consider a "weakness" in public. I avoid showing emotions (especially sadness), looking stupid or incompetent, telling others what I think, or engaging people in small talk because I suck at it.

I'm not afraid of people in general and can be very confident when I have the advantage, but if I don't, I keep my defenses up.

I always have my guard up in public or when being forced to socialize with strangers. I'm often rude to people or make myself appear aggressive even going to the extreme of wearing intimidating black "metalhead" or "biker" clothes just to protect myself and I always wear sunglasses or tinted glasses so people can't look into my eyes and see any signs of anything that they can exploit to their advantage.

The way I see it is it's better to be feared than pitied because if somebody is afraid of you, they won't hurt you and exploit your weaknesses to their advantage whereas if you show weakness, then you might as well have a big red target over your head because others will be in line to hurt you somehow.

Underneath the mask though, I'm a fragile generally kind person. I'm just afraid to show kindness to those who I don't know because kindness can be exploited as well.

If I have to socialize with somebody important, I find myself researching their weaknesses and learning about their personality before I engage them so I can have the advantage. When dealing with powerful people who you need to get ahead either career or business wise, I see showing any form of weakness or incompetence to them as the worst thing you can possibly do.

Finally, when I'm at the store, I always have my guard up and I'm always on the lookout which makes it hard for me to keep focus on my budget and often causes me to make mistakes. Normally, I'm good at math, but I spend most of my energy keeping my defenses up which makes it difficult for me.

Anybody else have any similar issues here?

It is like you are writing about me. I was nodding my head along with your entire post. I have this extreme aversion to exhibiting any signs of a weakness. Because, as you mention, that is when exploitation happens. I do not show emotions. Only when I am by myself. I am always the 'strong one' in crisis situations or otherwise stressful situations. When someone tries to call me out for being wrong about something, I am incredibly defensive. I will admit when I make mistakes but OOOOH it can be excruciating.

So, please don't think you're alone. My fiance has a tough time understanding my actions, sometimes. He will say "Why don't you just this" or "Why don't you just do that" and I want to say "Because they'll take it as a sign of being weak!"

I don't like to be late anywhere, but I also don't like to be early. I don't like to do anything considered socially unacceptable to embarass myself. It really comes down to weakness and having someone pity me. I do not want to be pitied. Ever. I think part of it stems from being SOOO sensitive inside, if I create this exterior that I am tough as nails and don't need anyone, then no one can ever pity me or let me down. This is a big problem for my relationships. It is a cause of a lot of conflict in my current relationship because I am SO dang scared to let my guard down, show some emotion, and really depend on another person. I know if I am tough, strong, independent, and sure of myself that I can't fail. But, letting myself rely on someone else or depend on anyone else is something my mind identifies as a weakness.

I don't know if I went on a tangent and you're thinking "OH man, nevermind, that is way weirder than me" but I thought I'd share.

I have found sometimes I just have to weigh the realistic and logical options. We cannot do everything on our own. We cannot always be strong. Sometimes, we DO need someone to carry us. I know that despite my being independent all the time, many days I think "It would be so nice if someone could just take care of ME for once".

We really have to realize our fear of weakness is our own. People often don't give a second thought to scenarios that will bug the heck out of me. I over analyze and put too much stock in to situations that otherwise is inconsequential. I even found myself punishing people for things I PROJECTED they were feeling or thinking. Because, it was easier to determine that for me.

It has taken me a few years to get past that and I still struggle with it. But, know you're not alone. And, know that there are plenty of people that understand, empathize, and will relate with you.

Originally Posted by jaymoq

It is like you are writing about me. I was nodding my head along with your entire post. I have this extreme aversion to exhibiting any signs of a weakness. Because, as you mention, that is when exploitation happens. I do not show emotions. Only when I am by myself. I am always the 'strong one' in crisis situations or otherwise stressful situations. When someone tries to call me out for being wrong about something, I am incredibly defensive. I will admit when I make mistakes but OOOOH it can be excruciating.

So, please don't think you're alone. My fiance has a tough time understanding my actions, sometimes. He will say "Why don't you just this" or "Why don't you just do that" and I want to say "Because they'll take it as a sign of being weak!"

I don't like to be late anywhere, but I also don't like to be early. I don't like to do anything considered socially unacceptable to embarass myself. It really comes down to weakness and having someone pity me. I do not want to be pitied. Ever. I think part of it stems from being SOOO sensitive inside, if I create this exterior that I am tough as nails and don't need anyone, then no one can ever pity me or let me down. This is a big problem for my relationships. It is a cause of a lot of conflict in my current relationship because I am SO dang scared to let my guard down, show some emotion, and really depend on another person. I know if I am tough, strong, independent, and sure of myself that I can't fail. But, letting myself rely on someone else or depend on anyone else is something my mind identifies as a weakness.

I don't know if I went on a tangent and you're thinking "OH man, nevermind, that is way weirder than me" but I thought I'd share.

I have found sometimes I just have to weigh the realistic and logical options. We cannot do everything on our own. We cannot always be strong. Sometimes, we DO need someone to carry us. I know that despite my being independent all the time, many days I think "It would be so nice if someone could just take care of ME for once".

We really have to realize our fear of weakness is our own. People often don't give a second thought to scenarios that will bug the heck out of me. I over analyze and put too much stock in to situations that otherwise is inconsequential. I even found myself punishing people for things I PROJECTED they were feeling or thinking. Because, it was easier to determine that for me.

It has taken me a few years to get past that and I still struggle with it. But, know you're not alone. And, know that there are plenty of people that understand, empathize, and will relate with you.

No I don't think you're weirder than me and I appreciate your support.

I agree that we sometimes need others in life because humans are social creatures by nature unfortunately. When I need somebody though, I like to have something to offer them in return for their help so that I seem strong and competent. If I'm in a position to where I need somebody but don't have much to offer in return, I tend to go out of my way to try to get out of my problem on my own which has gotten me into trouble and a decent amount of debt.

To me, there is nothing worse than being completely at the mercy of another person. Being completely dependent on another person without having something to give them in return is like asking to be hurt.

[jaymoq]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

No I don't think you're weirder than me and I appreciate your support.

I agree that we sometimes need others in life because humans are social creatures by nature unfortunately. When I need somebody though, I like to have something to offer them in return for their help so that I seem strong and competent. If I'm in a position to where I need somebody but don't have much to offer in return, I tend to go out of my way to try to get out of my problem on my own which has gotten me into trouble and a decent amount of debt.

To me, there is nothing worse than being completely at the mercy of another person. Being completely dependent on another person without having something to give them in return is like asking to be hurt.

There is so much truth in that! I really don't even like to look at the word "Help". It bothers me to think someone is sacrificing something for me when I cannot reciprocate entirely.

Who knows why that is. I am sure there is some theory or methodology that could justify or explain that mindset. I know it isn't healthy and that we do need to sometimes rely on others. I went through a divorce a few years ago and was incredibly overwhelmed with the changes. Asking for help and admitting I couldn't do it on my own was very difficult. Even now, I have a lot of debt that I was 'awarded' in the divorce and it is difficult to have to admit I can't afford things I used to be able to. But, it is my motivation to become strong and independent. My fiance offers to help me, but again-- I don't like that "help" word. I don't want him to start looking at me as a burden instead of an equal partner. Y'know? Sorry I don't mean to overtake your thread!!!! Just refreshing to have someone that can relate, even on the most basic level, to what I'm saying.

Originally Posted by jaymoq

There is so much truth in that! I really don't even like to look at the word "Help". It bothers me to think someone is sacrificing something for me when I cannot reciprocate entirely.

Who knows why that is. I am sure there is some theory or methodology that could justify or explain that mindset. I know it isn't healthy and that we do need to sometimes rely on others. I went through a divorce a few years ago and was incredibly overwhelmed with the changes. Asking for help and admitting I couldn't do it on my own was very difficult. Even now, I have a lot of debt that I was 'awarded' in the divorce and it is difficult to have to admit I can't afford things I used to be able to. But, it is my motivation to become strong and independent. My fiance offers to help me, but again-- I don't like that "help" word. I don't want him to start looking at me as a burden instead of an equal partner. Y'know? Sorry I don't mean to overtake your thread!!!! Just refreshing to have someone that can relate, even on the most basic level, to what I'm saying.

Don't apologize. I appreciate talking to somebody who understands me and I have no issues with you taking over the thread haha

Hit me up later if you want to talk further

[Weakone]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

I wouldn't call this anxiety but more of a phobia.

I'm afraid of showing anything that I consider a "weakness" in public. I avoid showing emotions (especially sadness), looking stupid or incompetent, telling others what I think, or engaging people in small talk because I suck at it.

I'm not afraid of people in general and can be very confident when I have the advantage, but if I don't, I keep my defenses up.

I always have my guard up in public or when being forced to socialize with strangers. I'm often rude to people or make myself appear aggressive even going to the extreme of wearing intimidating black "metalhead" or "biker" clothes just to protect myself and I always wear sunglasses or tinted glasses so people can't look into my eyes and see any signs of anything that they can exploit to their advantage.

The way I see it is it's better to be feared than pitied because if somebody is afraid of you, they won't hurt you and exploit your weaknesses to their advantage whereas if you show weakness, then you might as well have a big red target over your head because others will be in line to hurt you somehow.

Underneath the mask though, I'm a fragile generally kind person. I'm just afraid to show kindness to those who I don't know because kindness can be exploited as well.

If I have to socialize with somebody important, I find myself researching their weaknesses and learning about their personality before I engage them so I can have the advantage. When dealing with powerful people who you need to get ahead either career or business wise, I see showing any form of weakness or incompetence to them as the worst thing you can possibly do.

Finally, when I'm at the store, I always have my guard up and I'm always on the lookout which makes it hard for me to keep focus on my budget and often causes me to make mistakes. Normally, I'm good at math, but I spend most of my energy keeping my defenses up which makes it difficult for me.

Anybody else have any similar issues here?

I feel as though you are in my mind and can feel everything that I have been through. I have felt so alone in these thoughts. My husband doesn't understand me at all, he trusts everyone and I wish that I could be just like him. I'm always looking over my shoulder for the next person who might hurt me. I keep people at an arms distance away and when they leave me I'm never surprised it's just a matter of when. My husband has recently moved out because of my inability to be in my own words weaker. I want to be like other wives and give myself to him but something in the pit of my stomach keeps me from allowing myself to give in.

[Jason1123]

I can't say I'm like this darkness, but I know many people who are. Thanks for sharing this. It seems like opening up has already helped some others.

I wish you peace in your journey.

Jason

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

I don't see the problem - you're completely right about the necessity of being cruel and ruthless to succeed in life (I don't innately understand it or agree with it, so it must be true), and any account of abuse makes it clear that only weak people suffer. If anything, I wish I could be more like you, more closed off a, emotionless, and manipulative. I know if be a better, safer person that way; instead I'm compulsively vulnerable. So I actually admire and envy you for your strength.