Anxiety Daily Check-In point #8

My anxiety wasn’t too bad although I had to use the bathroom and it was gross and the stall didn’t close but I managed. I got my booster and I’m not freaking out about side effects. I guess because I’m not having any. My overall anxiety seems better then it had been before and I’ve actually cut down on my meds.

I've been uptight and anxious most of the day. When I took something for my anxiety and took a nap, that helped. I'll take more Klonopin tonight. Hopefully, I sleep well.

I feel apprehension because my good plans aren't being fulfilled because I let myself down again. There's a deadline I'm not meeting, so it feels like claustrophobia.

I didn't sleep for very long last night so I am up early trying to prepare for the day. I'm a little anxious. I'm cooking brow rice. I think after it cools off, I will go back to bed. I just felt like cooking. I felt like I had to do something productive. I did wash dishes and do laundry yesterday, but that wasn't good enough.

Thanks for your lovely response. It's okay to ramble. Lol. Whenever I send an email, they seem to go on forever about NOTHING.

I live in Canada, and my pdoc of the last 2 years is closing my file (if it hasn't already been closed). I never saw him except for about 3 times...the initial talk (when I received him after getting out of the hospital), once via Zoom because of some issue I can't remember, and then the "farewell, good luck, our time is now up" talk. All he did was send in prescriptions to the pharmacy every three months.

His assistant is the mental health nurse. She was the one who I talked with on a very irregular basis. She would tell the pdoc whatever she thought was relevant. She wasn't of any help. She basically was just an ear that was half closed-off...not paying a great deal of attention. She never took any notes.

There is no such thing as talk therapy here UNLESS you have the finances to pay for a psychologist yourself at about $200/hour!!!!! That's out of the question. I'm on Income Assistance due to my anxiety disorder. The "supposed" psychosis came on over the years from high levels of anxiety and fear. But how I would LOVE to talk with a professional about all the memories I have, and that still disturb me. I don't feel secure or safe.

And I agree totally with your last remarks about people not understanding that a schedule does not help when you never know from day to day how you are going to be. Your last paragraph hit the nail on the head.

Continue to take good care of yourself. I'm glad that we have met here on MSF!

@SandyWeb - Thank you for your reply! I'm glad we met on MSF, too!

In some areas and with certain US-based healthcare insurance companies, some patients aren't covered for mental health, so they have to pay roughly between $50 (sliding scale) per hour to upwards of $300 per hour (if they are seeing a specialist). It's horrible how there's this continued lack of parity between physical health and mental health, though both are equally important for overall well-being, and both are also connected (one will exacerbate the other and vice versa).

I am sorry you don't have a T to confide in. I've always believed that sharing our stories with a trusted T (or even a trusted best friend, family member, or other kind of health professional) who genuinely listens and shows empathy (not just sympathy) is important for our mental health maintenance and healing. It's sad when there are few of those left, unless you are paying a lot of money or have really good healthcare insurance that covers it.

Perhaps you can find "compensatory relationships" that you trust enough to share your stories with. When I lacked good therapists, I tried to find compensatory therapeutic relationships through church pastors, spiritual friends, close-enough friends, and family. The problem is, I've not had good experiences being too open with most non-professionals because they'd either use what I said against me or they'd turn toxic or they'd judge me based on what I shared. I just didn't get the kind of feedback and guidance that I was looking for. For a long while, I didn't even know what I was looking for, so I had no clue as to what to ask for or what boundaries I needed because I didn't know what I needed to begin with.

But my healing journey began with trial and error. I've now learned enough in college and real life to know what I want and need. I don't always get what I want or need, but sometimes I do. It's those "sometimes" that mean the most to me.

I lucked out with a good therapist, so I'm very fortunate and privileged that way. There just aren't enough therapists to help all the hurting people in the world - regardless if they have a mental disorder or not.

I think our anxiety increases when we don't have enough solid relationships in our lives, and especially when we don't have a consistent therapist in our lives as well. Of course, there are other reasons why we get anxious, but for me, I think, my loneliness and my past negative experiences with not-so-good therapists took a toll on me. Thankfully, I have a great therapist now, but there are times when I'd get triggered and then have to deal with a rupture. My current T always reassures me. I wish everyone could have as good of a T as I have. It's not fair that there are so many hurting people without good therapists.

I hope you are finding some support here.

And I hope you have a great weekend!

I feel anxious this morning. I have to take my trash out today and I want it done now. I need to get dressed and put my cat up. But I just woke up and it's cold out. Maybe I need some time first. I have lots I have to do this morning. I will take my meds soon. Maybe that will help.

One step at a time, trying to override the anxiety. Visualizing accomplishing my goals today.

I have been coping pretty well with both my depression and my generalized anxiety, on an unmedicated basis now. I do have fears though of perhaps something setting me off when I'm out in public (which isn't a lot, yet, thanks to Covid). This morning, I was home, and had one of my first actual meltdowns in a very long time.

I need some emergency oral surgery for a tooth that was crowned years and years ago, but has always been a source of dull aches and pains, ever since day one. It was never really right. Money has been a real problem for us, as I apparently do not qualify for any kind of assistance or pension. It's the old "you're married, so your husband can take care of you" attitude. I was used to working and getting a paycheck ever since I turned 16...so this has been a thoroughly horrible disaster for me emotionally, professionally, and now, financially. We are just getting by. I don't know what's going to happen with this tooth situation.

I have some time to make up my mind. I need to get over the now-raging infection in my jaw, before anybody can do any work on it, anyway.

I've been referred to a specialist oral surgeon; but when they called this a.m. to confirm my appointment, and let me know what to expect cost-wise for JUST a consultation, I almost dropped the phone. Forget about the actual surgery! (Now I know who's driving all those shiny new luxury cars I always see when I go into the big city...!)

After getting off the phone, and reflecting on where this all leaves me, I started to shake and cry. ALL of the financial anxieties we've endured, and all the demoralizing effects of these two disorders came rushing over me. Emotions I figured had been dealt with years ago threatened to overwhelm me. I was still a shaking mess when husband came home for lunch. Fortunately, he was calm and supportive and reminded me, it's all MY decision, and that we'll be okay with whatever I decide to have done. (It was nice of him to say--- but in truth, it will just be another bill hanging over us.)

I am bone tired of worrying about money. We can never seem to get ahead, or put money by for emergencies. Raises and bonuses get gobbled up as soon as we receive them. The house insurance has gone up (and it was high to start with.). It's so challenging right now trying to save money on groceries. Gasoline has become outrageous. The car needs fixing---we keep putting that off, and putting it off. And, now that I list it out here, I am understanding better about the power it all has to throw me into a massive spin, after doing so well for a good long while. It's omni-present, this concern about money. It affects EVERYTHING.

I bless the young, confident pharmacist who had the courage and the will to lobby my GP to allow me to have Ativan for emergencies. I did take a half a pill and was able to pull myself together reasonably well. It also helps me focus, and dispels the dizzy, out-of-whack thinking that happens when I'm badly spun out, which I'm absolutely grateful for.

My heart goes out to everyone who can relate. This stuff is as hard to describe as it is to live with.

My anxiety was rough because I was in a crowded store and I was self consicous. No one paid attention and when the manager saw my info in my old name he stopped scrolling for a split second but was fine with me before and was still fine after. I've really only had a couple negative people. One being a therapist of all people and the other being my favorite teacher. So I mean, yeah that kinda does bug me. But everyone else has been cool but I pass so there hasn't been any issues with like strangers.

This morning, I'm calmer than usual. I may take a nap. It's really cold out, so I don't think I will go anywhere. I might just do some art today.

Anxiety, for things I dread. But I am also so very thankful. I have so much to be thankful for.

I forgot to pack my vistril on purpose for a disordred dumb reason. But I'm out of state until Saturday. The vistril was really helping me stick to my prescribed 3 valium a day. I have my entire bottle of valium with me but I'm hoping my body is used now to just the 3 a day. Currently my anxiety is mediocre.

I had anxiety this morning. But I am fine now.

A family member is wanting me to go to lunch with him but I have anxiety around it. I won't go with him....maybe a few months from now.

My anxiety hurts a lot. But I believe it's temporary. And I hope all of you will feel better soon.

I hope you feel better, @Breaking Dawn

I hope everyone here feels better. It seems like a lot of us are struggling this weekend.

@Mountaindewed - I hope your post-booster symptoms subside, and I hope you're able to enjoy this holiday weekend (if you're in the U.S., that is). Congrats on getting the booster! I'm glad your anxiety is better. I hope you feel better and are doing well this weekend!

@Yzen - Good for you for setting a boundary to not go with him. I've had to cancel plans when my anxiety or fatigue was too high - either because I didn't trust the outing, the person, or myself not doing well while out. Your health is important, and sometimes our gut warns us. Hopefully your family member will understand and respect your decision to wait.

@MuseumGhost - I hope you feel better. I used to be on Ativan, too, but lately, the VA has not been eager about prescribing it. I only ask for it like once a year, since that is all I need to cover the brief times when I do go into panic mode. But for the past two years I had to do without. It sucked. I found other ways to cope, but they aren't that healthy (like eating comfort food).

I hope your financial situation gets better. That must be really tough!

@Deilla - I hope you are doing okay today. I also hope you have a great weekend!

I'm a little anxious today. I have a lot to do and I don't have the energy for it. I am trying.

I roasted a potato with a yam & green beans & white tuna this morning, the meal I had planned for yesterday. It actually tasted really good, so I feel like today is the holiday. I do have some anxiety, but I think today is a little bit better. There is sunlight coming through my window, & I'm looking forward to a tv program that I like.

My anxiety is a bit sucky. I dont know why. But I can probably think of some reasons. A mug of mint tea and a good sleep would be nice right now.

I'm anxious and dissociative.