[BillyTBum]

Hello, all. I'm new here - I was referred here by a crisis hotline that I occasionally call to help talk me down from panic attacks (unsure what the difference - if any - is between that and an anxiety attack). I'm 38 years old and anxiety has been a constant in my life for nearly a decade now.

At first, anxiety was a very occasional thing that only seemed to occur when I would drive long distances and/or to somewhere unfamiliar. As it grew, it became something that could occur when driving any distance at all, familiar or not. Knowing I can pull over is often comforting, but being somewhere far away from people is not. Feeling alone greatly intensifies the fear that something terrible will happen to me.

At its worst, panic attacks can and will occur in completely "safe" areas - my home and office. Fear starts to overcome me, my body tenses up, and then I start to feel as if I'm suffocating. Actions which are normally involuntary (i.e. breathing) seem as if they will not occur unless I force them to and it starts to feel like I'm not getting enough air and that I have no way to escape how I'm feeling. I have on occasion ended up curled up in a ball on the ground screaming and crying out of this fear.

Talking seems to be one of the better ways to cope simply because if I don't, I will continue to physically tense up and escalate. When things aren't as bad, something simpler like playing a game to distract myself will often work. But as the thread title suggests, I appear to have a sort of annual cycle where around the same time every year my symptoms get much worse. I'll experience one bad panic attack out of the blue, after which the trigger is almost pavlovian - I'll have a panic attack because I'm used to having one every day.

This cycle has made treatment difficult, since I would often seek out help when things got their worst, but then as things died down I would no longer have much to discuss with a therapist. I am currently taking Zoloft as a preventative medication (for about nine months now) and was recently prescribed Hydroxozine on an "as-needed" basis. Presently, that has come out to about once a day.

I apologize for the lengthy post and thank anyone who actually reads the whole thing. Just knowing that there are other people out there who experience the same thing that happens to me makes me feel less alone, and I hope that over time I am able to manage this problem. I feel that it makes me unable to live my life; I recently missed a friend's birthday gathering due to it, and even at my best I am no longer able to travel very far at all. I miss the beach and I miss the freedom I felt when I was younger before this became a problem for me.

[Yaowen]

I can definitely identify with you as I struggle with full-blown panic attacks, limited symptom attacks and even rolling panic attacks. They are awful beyond the power of words to convey and no one who hasn't suffered one can ever understand how terrible they feel and how they really mess up one's life.

There are techniques for dealing with panic attacks. Books have been written on these techniques and many are on the Internet. Have you tried any of these already?

Some of these like splashing cold water on the face have helped me. There's a bunch of these techniques that one can try in order to see how effective or ineffective they are.

I carry a little card in my pocket that I pull out and read when I am having a panic attack. On the card is written: "You are having a panic attack. You are not in any real danger although physical signs and symptoms suggest you are in danger. This attack will pass. You can ride out this storm. There is nothing disgraceful in having a panic attack. Millions of people around the world experience them although not every person has a name for them. You are not in any real danger. Keep reading this card until the storm passes."

I don't know but this helps me a lot.

One thing that has helped me is getting to the root of my problem causing the panic attacks, I mean the root that is not just genetics and brain chemistry.

I think a lot of psychologists think many panic attacks are linked in some way to the attitude people can have which is called "perfectionism." Don't know if it is true of others, but it is certainly true of me.

I was raised to see good and bad like the two positions on a light switch. There is only one good and that is perfection. Everything that falls short of perfection is "bad." There is only good and bad. There are no degrees. Sadly this reduces the range of values and creates problems. If everything that isn't perfect is bad, then all bad things are sort of equal. But that isn't true.

For example, Adolf Hitler caused the destruction of tens of millions of people through a campaign of genocide. Now that is really bad. Not getting straight A's in school or picking one's nose is not "bad" like that.


Some people think that people prone to panic attacks have been conditioned to think and treat many things and situations that are not matters of life or death urgency as matters of life or death. It is thought by some that the perfectionist frame of mind can make one prone to anxiety and panic attacks in those genetically predisposed.

One characteristic of perfectionism is tending to always look at things and think: "could be better but isn't better ... how aggravating, how scary, how sad." I know I always tended to look at everything: myself, others, events and situations and almost everything and think: "could be better isn't better." That was my default way of looking at things.

There is another way of looking at oneself, others, things, events and situations and that is "could be worse, but isn't worse, thank goodness." This way of looking at things tends to engender feelings of peace, of contentment, of appreciation and gratitude...happy feelings and moods.

There are other deep things that can be at the root of panic disorder, other than perfectionism. I am not saying you suffer from perfectionism!

Sometimes it can be helpful to look for what may be behind one's tendency to have these awful attacks. Sometimes psychotherapists can help one get to the root of the problem. Sometimes self-help books can be useful.

It is not known how much genetics and brain illness contribute to panic attacks. Because of this, I don't think one should blame oneself for having them. Things happening in the brain can have a profound effect of one's life.


Speaking of blame, for a long time, people thought having epilepsy was due to a flaw in character and wrong living. Now we know it is a brain thing.

I wish I had something really useful to share with you and I fear my words are worse than useless to you.

If my poor words are useless I hope you will accept my kind thoughts and wishes. Panic attacks are awful and I am sorry you are burdened with them in the ways you have described in your post.

I hope other members here with panic attacks will see and respond to your post with really helpful ideas. Sorry I could not be helpful to you in this!

[BillyTBum]

Honestly, just getting a well thought-out and kind response was a lot more helpful than you want to give yourself credit for. Just knowing you're not alone goes a long way for things like this.

You're also not far off-base talking about perfectionism, either. I grew up playing video games as a kid, and as an adult have discovered that I have the ability to hack the games I loved as a kid to fix problems with them and make them better... something I consider myself to be pretty good at, but only because I obsess over every detail to the point I'll stress myself out.

A large contributor to my anxieties is the inability to take a step back from work and do something else. It tends to create that "trapped" feeling because no matter how hard I try to take a break, my mind won't let me and will keep focusing on the problem at hand. And if the problem is something I've been stuck on for awhile... well, you see where that goes.

So far as coping skills go, my biggest ones are talking to someone and playing games. The former helps force me to regulate my breathing while the latter engages my mind and provides a distraction. The crisis counselor I talked to had walked me through grounding, which ended up being very helpful but I found that I have a difficult time doing it on my own without someone walking me through it. Actually speaking to another person is a pretty critical factor, it seems.

The cold water on the face, though, is something I'd heard of before but had forgotten all about and have never tried. I need to put that one in my toolkit.

Thank you for the response. I really appreciate the thoughtfulness and kind words <3

[ArmorPlate108]

Hi Billy. Welcome to the forums.

I struggled with anxiety, panic attacks, and agoraphobia (not homebound, just fear that made me want to stay there). This came to a head about 14 years ago. In retrospect, I suspect part of it was caused by the reasons I'm on the forums now (covert passive aggressive spouse) and I was also exhausted caring for a very active toddler at the time.

It sucks. I feel for you. But if it gives you any hope, I've pretty much overcome my anxiety disorder at this point. It will catch up to me at times, and life isn't always a bowl full of cherries, but now I mostly have the coping skills that get through it within a relatively short time. And knowing it will end soon, it doesn't bother me nearly as much. At one time though, it was debilitating. Debilitating enough that I couldn't even get myself to a doctor's office for help.

What pretty much changed my life were a couple of books by a woman named Claire Weekes. I think one titled Hope and Help for Your Nerves is still relatively available. That one, and a book she had about agoraphobia, were life altering for me. She discusses how, for a lot of people, our nervous systems become sensitized. Like think about when you're almost in an accident. For the rest of the day, you're hyper aware of everything around you- you're sensitized. Then the next day, your nerves calm down and you go back to normal.

But with anxiety, you can get sensitized and stay sensitized. For a lot of people, the fear of dealing with anxiety and panic is the exact thing that keeps them in the cycle. She explains this very well and was a pioneer in cognitive behavioral therapy to deal with it.

That's not to say it will work for everyone, but if that sort of thing resonates with you...

At the peek of my anxiety, I could be sitting in the living room, with the house sealed up tight, and hear someone slam a car door four houses away. Made me feel like my skin was crawling. Now, though it took a number of years. I often don't even hear someone come into the house. It takes time, but it is possible to rewire anxiety response for some people.

Nowadays, if I start having anxiety or become obsessive, particularly if I get stuck on one thought, I can usually guess the culprit is exhaustion. I rest a bit more for a few days, and the anxiety goes on its way. Obsessing over a particular thought is a clear sign of exhaustion for me- that I didn't understand for many years.

Out of curiosity, is there any particular anniversary or event that you can associate with the time of year your attacks start? They say the mind always remembers even if you aren't aware of it. Is it possible that something is triggering you at a certain point in the year? My mother always got a little depressed in the fall, but it wasn't until she was in her thirties that she realized it was because she hated going back to school as a kid.

Anyway, I have to wrap this up for now, but you're not alone.

[giddykitty]

Started to read the advice on this thread and it was really good. I've read much of the same things or similar that has helped me or made sense.

I don't really suffer from full blown panic attacks. I think maybe I've suffered 2 anxiety attacks, where i got so worked up, i was crying and couldn't breathe. I was also sick, hungry, and overtired though too. But the point is, i do not, on a regular basis, suffer these extremes. It's more or less fear of doing things, avoiding situations or shaking as I do them or getting stomach aches and stuff like that. Ruminating thoughts too. I've had the most success with this being on medication. I've done a lot of mental work to talk myself out of anxious things, but ultimately still needed medication. Right now, I'm taking Celexa/Citalopram and I hope it's the last med I'll ever need. But yes, having those practical tools to calm yourself down in anxious situations are really necessary too. ...I think that was all I was going to say (??)😅

[BillyTBum]

I think what you are saying about being sensitized is sort of the same thing I was thinking when I said it was a near-pavlovian response - I become anxious because I expect to be. And when I have one attack, it becomes easier to keep having them until I can break out of that cycle. I can't say for sure if there was any experience around this time of year that really triggered it. When I was younger, I would often get depressed around the holidays, but that was because I was alone. There could be some kind of abandonment issue stuck in there tied in to all of this that is related to my annual anxiety... or maybe not. I'm certainly not an expert!

And I also relate to the point about exhaustion, as well. Kind of like what we were talking about in the post just above, I can't really listen to my body when it says I need to take a step back from work and focus on something else for awhile. When I get really deep into a problem or something I'm programming, I get to a point where it's all I even dream about. It doesn't stress me out in the moment, but it seems when I'm at a point where I really am done with my work and should let go and can't that it will really get to me.

Again, thank you (both!) for talking with me and sharing your experiences. In the last few days I've found that just coming here and talking has been a helpfully grounding experience.

[ArmorPlate108]

Just to say it again- you are definitely not alone!

Anxiety is so awful to feel, especially when it seems like it's not coming from a specific direction. How can you fix what you're not sure needs fixing?

Are you familiar with what (I think) is called the anxiety cycle? From what you've posted, maybe you would relate to that? Not sure if this will be a good explanation, but you go through a round of anxiety, deal with it by something you do (maybe to distract yourself or make yourself feel better? Go shopping, go to work, have a beer, watch a movie, eat a cupcake, etc.) that doesn't directly deal with the anxiety. In a sense, that kind of gives the anxiety some credibility- because your mind has kind of run away from it. When it comes back within a short time, it tends to be as bad or worse. You repeat the cycle of putting a distraction band aid on it and it just returns, no better.

If that feels like a familiar pattern, perhaps you'd get some benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy? It's the hardest easy thing you'll ever do.

My CBT was essentially just sitting with the anxiety until it passed, or even going into it - however long that took. I'll give you an example, just so you can have an idea. So, being a bit agoraphobic, my inclination was often to be quick and head home ASAP. So one day I was out running errands and DD needed craft supplies for school. I started having a pretty bad anxiety attack, the kind that makes me want to run home, so pulled into the parking lot, shut off the car, and just sat there for fifteen minutes until it passed. Then I was okay, did shopping and headed for home. The car needed gas, but not desperately, and the gas station was very busy. And again, I was getting very anxious and just wanted to be back at home. I told myself that gas could wait- come back when there are fewer people out and I'm more ready. That's listening to the anxiety and letting it be the boss. Complying and going home would be agreeing with the anxiety and giving it credence that there was actually something to be afraid of- when my logical brain knew there wasn't.

At that point (and in the past I would have just gone home), I recognized the fear, so forced myself to pull into the gas station, navigate the busy traffic, and get gas. Was it easy? No. Did it work? Yes. For a while, but that pattern has to be repeated many times to eventually climb out of the hole. Hope that story makes some sense, since all our situations/experiences are different.

Also want to reiterate that I have no opinion of medication versus no medication. It's really whatever works for an individual, but this is just my experience with it, in hopes that someone can gleen a few nuggets out of it.

Hope you're having a great day, Billy!

[BillyTBum]

I feel like CBT is something that would make sense when I get out of the annual cycle I'm in and back down to a point where my anxiety is something that only occurs when specifically triggered by certain things. When I hit this part of the year, they occur almost daily with no real rhyme or reason in areas that are usually "safe" just because I've grown accustomed to them - the anxiety cycle, as you call it, in a nutshell.

Thankfully, I do feel like I'm nearing that end. I actually managed to go a whole night on shift without having a panic attack last night for the first time in weeks... only to wake up in the middle of the day with one. Every so often, I'll experience what I can probably only describe as sleep paralysis - I wake up struggling to move and/or breathe. It's rare enough that I'm pretty sure it's not sleep apnea or anything other than just anxiety, but it's scary nonetheless.

I'm grateful to have found this place and hope that I can work this year on breaking that cycle once and for all.

[ArmorPlate108]

Glad you found your way here too. This is a great place to not feel alone.

The sleep issue you described reminds me a bit of the panic episodes that would awaken me on a regular basis back then, but I hadn't thought about them in a while. Anxiety or panic attacks still wake me up at 3:30 in the morning when other stressors are at play, but not so much the ones that make you feel like you can't breath or are paralyzed. Those really suck.

The lady who's books I mentioned above talked about morning anxiety and reasons why it can seem worse. One of her theories was that when you are asleep, you end up in a very relaxed state, so when the anxiety kicks in for any reason, the gap between where you were and the panic is greater, so it feels worse. Like if you're usually operating at a level 5, but jumps up a level 8 during the day, it's only a slight step up. But if you're sound asleep and relaxed at a level 3, when the anxiety spikes to an 8, it's a greater throw and feels extra bad. Its a theory anyway.

Is there any chance that you have something like seasonal affected disorder? Where shorter days mean less sunlight and that affects your mood? It's interesting that you seem to be able to predict the cycle.

Hope you do come out of the worst of it soon.

Just remember, there's hope and it can get better one way or another. A lot of it is just finding your own solution, which unfortunately can take a little time.

[BillyTBum]

Yeah, I associate being tired with being relaxed. Being anxious sucks up a LOT of energy, so I usually end up pretty tired when I come down. So having that hit in the middle of my sleep cycle is really jarring.

The annual cycle was something that was pointed out to me by someone else and has just since turned out to be true. In my 20's, I usually found myself sad and depressed around the holiday season, but that was due to my life circumstances at the time (being lonely, feeling like I was wasting my youth, etc). I can't really say whether the two are related.

I do feel like I'm coming out of the worst of it now, thankfully. I just need to figure out at that point what to do next. I'd really like NOT to deal with this next year.

[Scooter9]

I used to get full blown panic attacks, so I know how debilitating they can feel.

I don't get the full blown attacks now but I get these long, slow attacks that last 4 hours or so. Not as debilitating as a full blown attack, but still something that's hard to live with. My trigger seems to be waking up in the morning since the attack usually starts then.

But there's also an afternoon "session" (as I refer to these long panic attacks), that seems to be triggered by the time of day.

I said all that to show you that you're not alone. You're among people here that get it.

I have found deep breathing helpful to calm the peak of my attacks. It's nothing special, just in through the nose - as much as I can comfortably inhale - and out through the mouth. If I feel up to it, I hold for up to 4 seconds between in and out. It seems very basic but it is very effective.

The breathing doesn't stop my anxiety attacks, but it does lower the intensity from a 10/10, down to a 6/10 which makes a big difference for me. I repeat the breathing as necessary.

CBT has a bunch of helpful skills that help you even when you're not having a panic attack. I used to think CBT wasn't for me or wouldn't be helpful but I have since changed my mind because I'm in an IOP program where they teach CBT skills and I find them very helpful.

The cold water thing helps but you might need something a little stronger. Try filling a Ziploc bag with water as cold as you can get it and hold it over your eyes and cheeks. You might also want to try an ice pack (one of those reusable ice packs that people put into a cooler), it might boost the intensity of the cold to help ground you again. You can even buy these packs that become cold when you crack something inside them, that way you don't have to keep it in the freezer - you just crack the thing inside and the pack becomes cold.

[BillyTBum]

Part of the grounding technique I was taught was breathing - in for 4 seconds and out for 8. This does definitely seem to help, although I have a lot of trouble keeping pace doing it by myself. I need to actually be talking to someone else while I'm doing it.

My girlfriend recently got a couple of ice packs to help find a healthy alternative to self harm (her problem), so I just remembered that I have some of them convenient. I keep forgetting the cold water grounding method.

I've also signed up for an online therapy program that teaches CBT, so hopefully that helps as well

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, thank you all again for continuing to reply to me and share your experiences. It really is comforting to realize that I'm not alone.

[ArmorPlate108]

Hi Billy, it's good to hear how you are doing.

I hope the cbt course offers some good insight for you.

I don't know if it might help you, but there's a YouTuber who calls herself the crappy childhood fairy, and she has some good videos about emotional regulation/dysregulation that I found helpful. The talk about cold water reminded me of it.

When I get overwhelmed, I'll go into a small bathroom we have, back myself into a corner and hug myself- I think that came from one of her videos. Anyway, that's a technique that's helped me. It's almost like getting a comforting hug, and it's very calming for me.

[BillyTBum]

The crappy childhood fairy sounds like someone right up my alley

I borrowed my girlfriend's ice packs and the shock from rubbing them on my face definitely helped. Something ELSE that I have been finding helpful today has been using a rowing machine that we have. It's just the right combination of soothing repetetive motion and physical exertion to keep me chill.

Curious, has anyone had any experience with CBD? I've been looking into CBD coffee since, at my worst, I forgo my morning coffee - which is really unpleasant since I really like the stuff. I've also been having positive experiences with CBD-infused tea taken in addition to hydroxozine.

I'm hanging in there, but unfortunately my girlfriend has been admitted to the psychiatric hospital today, and so I'm minus physical support for a little while. On the plus side, I at least know she's somewhere safe.

[ArmorPlate108]

Wow, Billy, I'm really sorry to hear that your girlfriend needed to be admitted to the hospital. That sounds potentially distressing and disruptive . You are right though, she is safe. I hope she will not have to be there long.

I also hope you are doing okay. Post here if you need to vent or just communicate with others.

Yes! Good observation about the repetitive nature of the rowing machine. I once read an article about assault victims who were taught to crochet because of the gentle, repetitive nature of making the stitches. I do a couple of different repetitive crafts, as well as walk, sometimes think it's the repetition that sooths, and sometimes think focusing on one of those things takes the mind to a little different place.

My anxiety has been elevated the last few days for a couple of different reasons, so I'm there with you, finding ways to sooth.

Can't help you with the CBD, but have heard that other people have had luck with it. I take a couple of different supplements that seem to help with anxiety, including an amino acid combination, and one that might help blood pressure. I also drink lavender tea- which takes a little getting used to, but it's very calming. Chamomile tea too. I just recently ordered some lavender capsules to try before bed. There was one study that suggested that lavender pills had a similar effect to prozac. That's hard to believe, but the tea makes me feel pretty chill.

Hope you're hanging in there okay. Thinking of you.

[BillyTBum]

Her being admitted is sadly not an unusual occurrence; she deals with much worse problems than I do, I'm afraid. I'm just not in a good spot to be without the company right now.

Tea, coffee... really, I feel like the act of consuming a hot, unsweet drink is just inherently calming and relaxing. That's why I enjoy my morning coffee routine so much. Ideally I'd go with decaf, but you can't really get decaf that doesn't wreck the flavor.

I'm glad you're finding ways to work through your problems, as well. I've found that getting out of your own head and helping someone else can be itself very grounding. I had a member of my community reach out for help the other day because he was experiencing a panic attack, and since he had never had one before it was terrifying because he had no clue what was happening to him. After talking with him and helping him come down, I realized how much the process had helped me, as well.

[ArmorPlate108]

That's wonderful that you were able to help someone else out. .

A few years back, someone told me "whatever you are going through, someone else out there is also going through. No one is truly alone in that sense.". To this day, I don't know why that's so comforting, but it is, at least for me.

I need coffee too....

Sounds like you don't add sugar either. Caffeine and sugar together aren't a great combo for me, they tend to amp up the generalized anxiety. I try to limit it to one or two small cups lately, and am trying a slightly weaker brew to see if that can give the caffeine needed without the jitters.

One thing I was thinking about earlier is something a lot of people with anxiety disorder miss- we want to stop the anxiety and be free of it, but anxiety is a normal part of life. Anxiety disorder isn't, but even if you get an anxiety disorder under control, you will still have to deal with anxiety at times in your life- which will feel just like the anxiety disorder. That whole CBT thing can help you learn to manage those times more effectively. That's where I am right now, managing situational anxiety. It sucks, but I'm managing it, it's not controlling me.

Hope it's a good day for you.

[BillyTBum]

Yeah, and it's a scary thing to imagine other people going through the same thing. A big part of my panic attacks is the intrusive thought of being unable to stop focusing on my breathing. At that point it just becomes a struggle to keep doing it since I can't kick it back to being done subconsciously. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

And yes, I take my coffee completely black and limit myself to two cups a day under normal circumstances. Around this time of year when I start feeling too bad, I either cut back or cut it out entirely until I stabilize. And it's no fun because coffee is calming and relaxing for me, so I'm really depriving myself.

You make a good point about how anxiety and anxiety disorder are two different things. Honestly, I'd take it one step farther and say that excitement and anxiety feel very similar. And that makes me sad because I used to LIKE feeling excited, but now it just stresses me out.

I'm having a slightly better day today than yesterday, at least. Between medicine, therapy, and the support I get from here, I'd like to think that I'm doing much better. I hope all is well with you, too <3

[ArmorPlate108]

Hi again, Billy,

Are you talking about intrusive and obsessive thoughts that are scary and you can't seem to stop?

If so, that was absolutely the worst symptom of anxiety IMO. That was what I was dealing with when it felt like I was getting to a breaking point .

The lady I referenced above says that unwelcome obsessive thoughts are the mental equivalent of a musical earworm. That, especially if you are exhausted, they will get stuck in there and it feels like there's nothing to do to get rid of them. And the more you try not to think about them, the more they stick there.

If it gives you any hope, there was a point where I was dealing with that sort of thing constantly, and now it's something that comes up very rarely. And when it does, it means I need to stop doing anything unnecessary and rest until they go away, but breaking the initial cycle was rough.

It's hard to function without coffee . I feel for you. But good for you for doing what you know you need to do.

Dang, you're right, excitement does overlap with anxiety in a way. Hopefully once you learn to manage the anxiety, the ability to feel excited about things in a good way will resurface.

That's really great to hear that you feel like you are doing better. There is so much hope for healing through and managing anxiety. At one point I was someone who would circle back around the block once or twice in near panic to make sure the garage door was closed, now I'll drive off and leave it open by accident, and don't even care when I come home and find it was open . Desensitization can be a wonderful thing.

How is your girlfriend doing? Any idea how long she will be in the hospital?

Positive thoughts for you both.

Keep on keeping on.

[BillyTBum]

Yeah, those are exactly the kind of thoughts I'm talking about. I do have hope that they can eventually go away... I know I'm clearly capable of forgetting things, it's just usually the stuff I'm actually trying to remember. Sometimes when I'm falling asleep I might be trying to think of something and my mind will constantly drift away from it. I wish it would do the same thing for my intrusive thoughts.

I'm also looking into CBD coffee for the time being. Ordered some online and it should be here tomorrow. I'll report back on how it is

A friend of mine suggested that I start journaling my anxiety both as a way of keeping track of exactly what causes it as well as helping to ground me by stopping to document it. I gotta admit I was surprised at how quickly I noticed a pattern developing. Sort of like you had pointed out the other day about how anxiety is a normal part of life, but it feels like an anxiety attack... I'm really having a hard time dealing with stress of any kind lately. I'm trying to avoid it and just relax as much as possible, but obviously avoiding stress entirely forever isn't really feasible... so it's something I'm addressing in my therapy program.

My girlfriend will probably be in there another week or so, give or take. I feel bad because I can't (as in, too anxious to) go up there and visit her or bring her things, but I really feel like that's a big part of why driving makes me anxious in the first place - it's always something I do because I have to, not because I want to. I haven't really just felt free to be a total trainwreck for a week or two because it always seems like I have some responsibility or I'm letting someone down. I feel like I just need to feel okay to not feel okay for a little while.

Anyway, just wanted to say again that bit about anxiety vs. anxiety disorder really resonated with me. Really good advice - I appreciate it!

[ArmorPlate108]

Yep, those intrusive thoughts are the worst. They just get stuck.

Tbh with you, the ones that got stuck in my head 14 years ago seemed so awful and debilitating at the time, but now, looking back, they seem almost oddly funny- like why was that what got stuck? One major issue revolved around people parking in front of the house, especially bad if it was a county or other government vehicle. And I have no reason for the fear, but that was what developed and stuck. I could be having a pretty good day, and someone would pull over under our nice shade tree to make a phone call, and the panic would take hold and carry through the rest of the day. (What are they doing here? What do they want? Is something wrong with the house?) At that point, i was so sensitized that I could be anywhere in the house or on the property and be aware of a vehicle pulling up in front of our house or two houses on either side. Ugh. It's exhausting to be that "on" all the time.

Good luck with the CBD, I'd be interested to hear how that goes for you.

That's awesome that you are journaling! Many people are resistant to that. I started journaling about 4 years ago, and like you, started seeing patterns that weren't clear before. For me, a lot of it revolves around DH's mood swings, which through journaling look a lot like a form of bipolar (he also seems to be on the narcissistic/borderline spectrum), but he can't and won't see it- but through journaling, I don't have to justify or deny the pattern to myself any longer. He has his worst episodes this time of year- noteable depression in April, then hypomanic type behaviors in June and July. Like clockwork, he'll have a major emotional meltdown in the summer- wonder why my anxiety is piqued at present...? This year has been okay so far because I can now see it as him and not me- and also make sure I act accordingly and don't engage his disorder when it arises.

Journaling also allows me to just dump feelings out and move forward. There are things in the journal that I would never say in real life. Sometimes you can have such deep frustration and no good way to purge it. A journal can be a good friend indeed.

If much of what I write here resonates with you, I wonder if you might get something from that book I mentioned up above? Hope and Help for Your Nerves. It's a small book and you can probably get a used copy shipped through eBay for less than $6. You can also look at a preview at Amazon to see what you think. It's an older book and they didn't call it CBT then, but that's what it is. What resonated with me the most about the book was that she explains your nervous system and why the anxiety pattern develops - as well as how to settle it down. She also breaks down the common complaints of anxiety (look at the table of contents, they're listed individually). And she explains those symptoms in detail. For me, it took so much of the mystery out of the symptoms, and made them a lot less scary. That book (and her book on agoraphobia) is probably the most life altering book I've ever read- no kidding. It changed my life, taught me how to deactivate the anxiety and not give it so much power when it does come up. I can't recommend it enough on the offchance it might be of some help.

I can completely understand the anxiety that's keeping you from visiting. Don't be too hard on yourself. Wow, I totally get that.... Feeling like you have responsibility to someone or are failing in that. My DH has had a lot of physical and mental issues the last few years (in addition to those already mentioned) and I had become too focused on his problems at the expense of myself. I've quit trying to solve his issues and leave that to him and the professionals, but it's tough at times, especially when he's behaving in very disordered ways that he can't see, and he won't be receptive to my saying anything. Live and let live, support where I can- but it's hard at times. When you live with a partner or family member you love who has problems, without very good boundaries, their illness can eventually take a big toll on you. Don't know if you might be dealing with that sort of thing also. It's very important to be able to step back, take care of yourself, and make sure your own needs are met.

This got very long winded. Hope there's something of value in there!

You're doing great, because each day you're taking a very positive step of trying to be better than you were yesterday.

[BillyTBum]

It would be easy to look at my situation and think that a lot of my stress and anxiety comes from dealing with my girlfriend's problems, but they pre-date our relationship by a fair bit. I won't say that sometimes she doesn't help. At this exact moment, I'm lying awake in bed with persistent thoughts about the morning - including me agreeing to bring her some supplies she needs - and I cannot sleep at all. I should have been conked out two hours ago, and the second I actually try to lie down and rest, my mind starts racing and it just won't happen. I've taken some ZZZQuil and my reactive meds. I'm tired as hell and I just cannot sleep because I'm worried about the fact that I won't be able to get much.

Funny how anxiety loops work like that. Completely counter-intuitive. They are, in effect, their own problem.

I'm slowly getting through my therapy program, but I got stuck on a certain section. I was talking about it to the friend who recommended I start journaling , asking if she had any ideas what the take-away from it was since I was turning up blank. She said, "...this is basically the same advice I have you three days ago. Journaling lets you break down your emotions into their components and then gives you a look at the big picture." Kind of reminds me of advice I often give my girlfriend when she says that therapy won't help because she's heard everything at this point: the advice that changes your life won't be something you've never heard, it'll be something you already know said in a way that finally resonates with you.

I feel like I can definitely relate to your situation with your DH (Dear Husband? I'm unfamiliar with this term) on both ends of it. My girlfriend and I both feel like giant pains in the *** to the other because of our individual struggles and we both have some learning to do about not letting what the other one is going through bring us down too.

I have been doing better, but I'm at that part of recovery where I start feeling anxious because I realize that I'm actually doing better and then it's all I can focus on. I bought myself a Switch and a few games... hoping the experience of something completely new will provide a good distraction until my meds and/or therapy can get me leveled out. I do think the increased dosage I'm on is helping, but it's happening very, very slowly. I was talking to my grandfather and he said something that really stuck out to me - the meds that will help should work slowly, because the stuff that works faster will wear off just as quickly. I sincerely hope he's right.

Anyway, now I'm rambling. But that's okay, just sitting here and getting my feelings out is helpful, especially to someone I know has been in my shoes and knows what the struggle looks like. You give me hope that there is a light at the end of this tunnel, and I sincerely appreciate that. <3

[ArmorPlate108]

I hope you were able to get some sleep and that today is a relatively good day.

I went through a couple of years where I don't think I was able to sleep more than a couple of hours at a time

Getting stuck in the loop is awful. Getting out of it is tough. It absolutely can happen though.

If I can offer you anything, I hope it's HOPE, because I'm living proof that you can get out of the loop and feel okay again. It's just a matter of finding the right thing that works for you. Tbh with you, the only reason meds were not part of the deal for me was because I was too anxious to go to a doctor. You will get there! Just don't ever give up.

Your grandfather sounds smart. Slow and steady wins the race. He's probably right about the meds.

H does stand for husband. D is a variable depending on the day

You're lucky that your girlfriend is aware of herself and takes responsibility. One of the issues here is that Dh is not very self aware, and everything always seems to be someone else's fault. That's where the super strong boundaries come in. I deal with him, but it's not always easy and it can take its toll. That's not to say that he is/was the sole reason for the anxiety.

Some of what comes out when I journal surprises me. Have you had that experience? Like a revelation that seems to come out of nowhere?

Wow, I really like what you said about the thing that changes your life being something you already knew, but in a new way. That's like Jedi wisdom.

I always felt afraid when things started to feel better because i didn't want it to slip back and feel bad again. The rollercoaster is rough. But setbacks are normal. Try to float through them and you get back to a better place before too long.

What games are you playing on your Switch? My DD is a Zelda fan and has been playing Tears of the Kingdom lately. It's so beautiful and relaxing .

Did you get the CBD oil? How is that going? Does it have much of a flavor, and if so, is it pleasant?

Hope you have a great Saturday!

[BillyTBum]

I ended up getting about 3 hours of sleep, but thankfully was able to pull through the day. I even managed to get myself out to drive some stuff up to my girlfriend in the hospital since I feel like the medication (the Zoloft) is finally starting to build up enough that I'm leveling out. It was a little touch and go heading there, but once I turned around to come home I suddenly felt much better (as I always do) and it really felt good to just feel free. I've been holed up and not gone anywhere farther than work for the last month and a half, and when you spend that much time letting anticipation build up for something like that, it really gets to you.

I definitely learned a lot from journaling and did so pretty quickly, actually. A lot of people probably dismiss it as "fruity", but honestly I see it as a purely scientific approach to my problems. It's how I realized that I'd gotten to a point where stress in general was translating to anxiety and it was getting triggered a lot by talking to my girlfriend. She is indeed aware and means well, but boundaries are definitely an issue and she has a difficult time being supportive since she's often not sure how.

I have been drinking CBT-infused tea, actually, and it does seem to be helping quite a bit (not really sure how much of it is psychosematic, though). I have tried the oil in the past and found it didn't do much back when I wasn't on actual medication. The lower-concentrations of oil all taste pretty good, but the higher-concentration ones all pretty much taste like weed. I've also ordered some CBD coffee that I want to try out since I've really not enjoyed giving up my coffee as of late and I'm starting to run out of tea since I sorta bought up the entire stock my local liquor store had.

I am doing better, but I am definitely with you on overthinking getting better. The little anxiety I have experienced in the last few days all came about because I realized that I was doing better and my mind was like, "well... why aren't you freaking out? You should be!"

I got the Switch just because when I get like this one of the best things for me is to try something new and I'd heard good things about Breath of the Wild, so I picked that up along with Mario and a few other games. Zelda hasn't come in yet, so I've just been playing Mario. Given that the most modern thing I own aside from this Switch is a PS2, it's quite the leap for me :P

I'm glad you have been able to work past your problems and grateful that you've been talking so much to me and helping me through mine. The support I've had from other people has really been a godsend.

[ArmorPlate108]

Hi Billy,

How have you been?

Has sleep been any better?

How is your girlfriend?

That's great that you were able to get over to see her and that you felt good in the latter part of the day.

My anxiety is much better when I make a point of leaving home every day. Even if it's just for a short walk around the block. Not sure why this is, but it's almost like hitting a reset button. It takes me out of the hum drum zone of being around the house, and just switches my gears.

Your thoughts on journaling are insightful. It's great that you have embraced it and found how it works for you.

For me, a lot of time, it's like a brain dump. Like offloading the garbage

How's the CDB oil tea going? Did the store get more tea in stock? lol. I'd be interested to hear how your CBD coffee tastes.

A while back I heard a quote I liked - "Feelings are visitors, not roommates.". Whatever you're feeling isn't permanent, it's just stopping by for a while.

Hope you're having fun with your Switch. Did you get Zelda yet? My daughter said she thought Breath of the Wild was much more relaxing than the new game. Hope you think so too. I love that world and got lost watching DD wander around it for hours . It's like a virtual vacation.

Hope the week is going well for you so far!