In the Brain

You know how OCD and the like are all in your mind, yet you can't help it. It's part of how your brain is.

I am pretty sure I have OCD, but haven't been to the doctor yet or anything because I keep thinking that it is all in my head and that I really don't have it. Isn't that kind of ironic? Because really, it is all in your head. It's just sometimes I feel as if I am making it worse than it is, but I can't control it. But then I think the same thing.... that it is all in my head.

I have to keep thinking that or I will convince myself I am being a hypochondriac.

Anyone else the same?

i still think that. it's all in my head, i'm imagining it, i'm just trying to get attention or be special with my so-called 'mental illness'. if ever i talk about it with someone (which i don't, because i think they'll think one of the above things -- but say my husband) I feel extremely defensive. even though literally nobody has ever challenged me. therapists don't really know anything, i say, psychiatrists can be fooled. etc.

someone here told me a while ago that OCD was 'the doubting disorder' because people with it are constantly questioning themselves. but if you don't really believe you have a disorder, you can't believe that you're suffering from a 'doubting disorder'.

what keeps me grounded are the facts that 1. my family has a long and exciting history of mental illness and 2. my life has really, really changed since i started taking prozac. i'm much freer than I used to be. so whether or not I have OCD (which, again, I do) it is helpful to act as if I do.

Zloppy, it is all in your head! Your experiences have shaped you. You had the anxiety provoking experiences (I do believe that there is a genetic component too). I have recovered from anxiety. In a nutshell basically what I did over time was shake everthing out of my head onto the table, examined everything and put only some of it back in, most of it only after altering it a bit. Therapy, therapy, therapy, self analysis and understanding (what is going on with me? How did I get this way? What am I going to do about it to change?) and you will get a more functional you..... (and much happier!)

Did the table survive?

lol Pachyderm.

So me thinking this and doubting I have OCD, even when I notice a ton of OCD stuff present, is just another thing to add to the list that counts towards OCD? lol

The funny thing about OCD is that so many people have it, but think that their rituals and obsessions are normal...or maybe have a sneaking suspicion that they are not normal, but don't follow up on those thoughts and get a proper diagnosis.

There are some real "big ticket" OCD symptoms that, if you're suffering from them, you definitely have it. For example, if you have to turn the lights on and off or open and close the door a certain number of times, that's OCD behaviour. Of if you avoid certain numbers or words. Or if you have to keep checking to see if you've left something somewhere, and the checking doesn't help confirm your doubts (and might actually make your doubts worse).

There are milder symptoms, but most OCDers suffer from at least one of these sorts of things. People without OCD don't. It took me quite a while to realize that, as it does with a lot of folks.

The 3 things you listed don't specifically apply to me. although sometimes I do things a certain number of times. Like washing my mouth after brushing my teeth. I ALWAYS rinse 4 times, if not I feel as if I still have toothpaste in my mouth it will go down my throat and I will get sick. And I do things an even number of times too usually. And my mind automatically associates letters with being even or odd as if it were a number. and same for words sometimes. Like the letter T to me is even, while S is odd. And O is even even though it falls on an odd number in the alphabet. And like if I walk one way to get someplace, then I go the same way back, and sometimes like if i turn one way to look at something, if I turn completely around that same way to get back to what i was looking at at first, i feel weird.

And like back when I was 8, before I knew anything about OCD, I remember I would be line in a car, and think of like blue color covering everything I saw exactly at the same time, but there was always part that wasn't exact, and so I kept doing it and I would do it like the whole car ride, depending how long it was. Like 10 minutes maybe. and then when I finally got everything "blue" (pretending) at the same time then I would be like, but what about space. and it would happen all over again. Because then i got all what I saw, but then space wasnt blue at the same time either. something like that. (I consider blue even too :P)

Like in school. I HATE scratching out stuff, since I don't like using pencil I use pen, and like any mistake I get all worked up about. its hard to describe everything. describing it seems to loose that feeling it has when its going on. But the OCD test gives me a 26. and most the stuff on there I can relate to.

Yeah, those are definitely OCD-like symptoms. The even/odd thing is very common, though I've never heard of anyone associating it with letters. Usually it's just people have to do something an even number of times (usually it's even, not odd). With the letters, though, it's quite clever.

The blue thing - that's very interesting. So you would picture in your mind everything you saw covered in blue? It must have been hard in a car, with everything racing by.

Not wanting to make mistakes is also a big thing. I have something where if I have to scratch something out, I have to make a scratch mark in the margin so that I have an even number of scratch marks on the page. I also have to do that if I write the letters st on a page, because I associate that with saints, and I think I have to write st an even number of times for some reason...I'm not even a religious person, lol. I try to keep that "st" one to a mininum, though, since it shows up in so many words.

Anyway, it doesn't sound like you're imagining things...definitely some OCD-sounding symptoms there. Hope that at least gives you some comfort.

It does, thanks

It's helping the doubt go away.

But like with the blue thing, I would just like imagine everything just turning blue all at the same time. Not just imagining everything blue. But like everything just turning blue. Like now when I think about it I was probably just trying to make everything the same I guess, and that everything was even? I'm not sure. I can't find words to describe it. Very hard to describe. lol

And another thing... I am in tennis. Most of the time I have this thing I do where i bounce the racket 2 times on each side of me and with each hand after every point I lose. It annoys me, but I feel like I play better when I do that. And like I feel I play better when I touch the whole racket side on the ground perfectly at the same time, and then of course I have to the other side too. and I feel like I play better.

Anyways, thanks. This is helping that doubt. Although it will still be here, just not as much. Also my friends has OCD, and that is how I first heard about OCD. So that also adds to my doubts because I started noticing more after that and realizing.

No problem, glad I could help.

Ironically I found out I had OCD after reading about an NHL goalie that had it many years back. I think a lot of professional athletes are OCDers...just look at the rituals they perform (they sound a lot like you tennis ones).

Haha, yeah. Especially in sports like Basketball during free throws. But also that can just be a routine, not like a ritual. Just like they re used to doing it, but do it anyways because it gets them "in the groove". Unlike some things (like me and my tennis racket) where I have to or it feels weird. But it could be possible.

Another thing that makes doubt is how most everyone tries to say they have OCD, or has part OCD. stuff like that. That brings doubt too, because then I feel everyone feels that way and then mine I doubt. I got that from when you said most sport athletes thing.

Ah, sorry, didn't mean to confuse you. Well, I think a lot of people perform rituals that aren't perhaps of an OCD nature, as you yourself noted. I guess what I should have said is that I believe that the proportion of professional atheletes with OCD is probably higher than the OCD rate of the general population. I do in fact believe that, though I expressed it incorrectly.

From the sounds of it your symptoms go beyond simple rituals and obsessions. Diagnosing is never a simple matter, but you really do sound like a classic OCD case. I guess a question to ask is how much these thoughts and rituals interfere with your life and your happiness. If they do interfere with both significantly, then that's really the difference.

It's really quite hard to explain. But if you just can't get certain thoughts out of your head, like turning the world blue when you were a kid, or the scratch-outs you make on a piece of paper...when they won't go away no matter what you do, and they interefer with you carrying out your life...then that's OCD.

Any chance you could see a doctor for a proper diagnosis, or is that not possible for you at the moment?

It interferes with school for sure. If I screw up writing I start a new paper and then get behind. So it affects school for sure. I can't really classify how much time it takes up though. Its not like a constant thing the whole day, But most the time. It depends what I am doing and how much it can affect.

I want to see a doctor about it and other things. But I don't think that will happen anytime this year or next. Maybe when I am in college in 2 years I might. Just the way my parents would react and all would just make things worse and I would have that feeling from them a if I am making a big deal of it and they would constantly be nagging me. So i think it would be better if I wait until I move out :P Unless it gets to a point where I can't function.

Sorry about the sports thing misunderstanding. Haha and yeah, my scratch outs aren't scratches either. they are like either squares or rectangles completely filled in with black ink covering the whole word and every part of the letters. either that. or I try to get by with a perfectly strait line through it if I don't have time.

Heh, that must kill you on an exam, having to fill in a box so perfectly...hopefully you can perfect your straight line technique.

I hear you about the parent thing. I think it's hard for a lot of us to really remember what it's like to live under their yoke, unless they were particularly abusive or something. But for parents that are just a bit of a hassle, they can be all right people but a huge pain to deal with when you're living under their roof. That will change quickly enough, though.

There is lots of stuff on-line about OCD, including techinques to help deal with your rituals. Something to help you out in the meantime.

Oh yeah, after I'm done with this post, I'm going to have to make another one somewhere else. Why? Because I always keep my posts at an even number.

heh. Even numbers are great. lol I get upset when on facebook I have an odd number of friends.

OCD, not OCD, the most important thing is that you have anxiety and you can beat it with therapy. If you can get rid of your anxiety there will be no more OCD. Zloppy what are you doing to beat your anxiety?

Ha, ha Pachy!

I don't know. nothing I guess yet.

That's a pretty bold statement you're making about the connection between anxiety disorders and OCD. Are you saying that the sole cause of OCD is anxiety? Because I would disagree...I think it's one cause, but not the only.

I've had periods where I've had bad OCD and little anxiety, and I've had periods (like now) where I have high anxiety and low OCD. That doesn't fit into your logic.

DigDig, I think that OCD is a mechanism used to cope with anxiety. If everything is going smoothly you will have less anxiety and therefore, your coping mechanism of OCD will work well and you will be feeling good. If there is change, upheaval, increased insecurity, or other stressors the OCD just won't be enough to contain the anxiety. OCD is a form of anxiety. It is classified as an anxiety disorder.

When you have higher anxiety are you not able to focus well enough for the OCD?

Zloppy why don't you have a plan?

I kind of disagree with Sannah. Even when I feel no anxiety (as I think of) I still can be OCD-ish. I don't see OCD as coping, but how your brain works. I don't know. I am not an expert :P

If OCD is not an anxiety disorder, why does it happen? What are the meanings of the symptoms? What function do they have if not to control anxiety? If they are successful at limiting anxiety, then you may not be conscious of anxiety -- until the control fails...

What happens if you try to stop the obsessive actions?

OCD, like anxiety, is a reaction to fear. Both keep a person from looking further to discover the underlying reason for the behaviors / symptoms. You might want to talk with a psychotherapist to explore what is happening with you.

Athletic rituals like the routine rituals baseball players perform when the step up to the plate are a good example of a type of OCD. They think that it brings them luck, they don't want to fail at the plate (their fear), so the routine they perform takes on magical meaning, as if the routine actually contributes to their getting a hit or fanning the bat.

When a behavior interferes in your life or bothers you, then psychotherapy can help you learn more about you and what magical meaning your own routines have. An interesting exploration!

I don't know. that is a hard question.

There are some psychs who theorize that OCD is similar to Tourette's symdrome. Instead of being propelled to harmful and intrusive actions, however, OCD compels the brain with obsessive and compulsive thoughts.

From this point of view, the anxiety component is complimentary, but not the only source of OCD. OCD is indeed classified as an anxiety disorder, but remembers such classifications are human-made, and not perfect.

I just don't like it when people state that OCD is absolutely this or that, when the truth is that it - and other psychiatric disorders - are not black and white issues.

In OCD normally trying to stop obsessive thoughts is a chore at first, but it can be learned...that is basically the goal of CBD.

If you're unable to see a doctor, I'd say analyze on your own how much your obessive thoughts are causing you anxiety and otherwise interfering with your life. Remember, no mental illness can be "cured", but they can be managed. If you can manage things yourself, that's good, though it probably would be wise to see a doctor if/when you get the chance.