Being portrayed horribly

I am being portrayed as a horrible, judgemental trouble maker who causes arguments when actually i refrain from confrontation and am very laid back. My friend has ADD and possible BPD where i will see her repeating something that didn't end up well such as being in a relationship with her ex's best friend... It looks like she is trying to get through that entire group but she gets defensive to the point she will block me, delete me on social networks and have an intense rage which is 'my fault'.

She CANNOT take critisism which is understandable since she has not been medicated for ADD, however she gets ridiculously furious and once she has calmed down and realised that i wasn't rude, judgemental or causing trouble she apologises. Fair enough. But then it happens again and there are times where it obviously isn't my fault i mean how can i be blamed for stressing her out whilst people make jokes about her boyfriend and their relationship?

She goes through periods of this blocking/unblocking nonsense which is frustrating as i like to sort situations out in the moment whereas she runs away from it.... I am obviously to blame for near enough everything unless she can pin it on someone else... Whenever i apologise (cause i'd rather lose an argument than a friend) i get told "you brought it on yourself" which makes my blood boil as i try my HARDEST to NOT argue so i will make light hearted responses to which she continues insulting and lashing out.

I want to be friends with her cause no one is helping her everyone just helps her once shes made a mistake or lost a friend/partner/job/opportunity etc etc etc it seems bizarre that i can mean something to her one minute but next i am told i always start arguments, i am a s*** friend and that i only cause trouble.

I don't want to be horrible as i love her to pieces but everyone has limits and i can only do so much as a friend before i crack. Crack as in give up it wouldn't go as far as a breakdown.

I can be annoying i understand but it is out of my control cause it seems everything i do annoys her although when she hyperfocus' on me and realises i do care that opinion fades. However if someone else talks to her about me just asking how i am or mentions me in a polite way she will absolutely slate me making comments about how she really feels, how i am annoying, how she thinks i am obsessed with her, how i am weird, how i am judgmental, how i don't care about her, how i am embarassing, how i make her look like a bully, how i always play the 'pity me card' (list can go on).

She does with everyone though it's almost as if she has to think of a list of insults for EVERYONE she associates with including her family. (Her mother is a so and so according to her but she definately IS NOT, infact her mother is one of the most politest people i have ever met and is so funny.) But my friend doesn't see everyone in a good light at times and will almost prepare to abandon them before they do it to her.. So if she disconnects with people who annoy her or hurt her then she won't have to face being abandoned by people she cherishes.

It seems bizarre though as she is the reason she gets abandoned (not to be horrible but i fully believe unmedicated ADD and undetected BPD isn't doing her any favours)

Anyone else know someone like this? If so what do you do to make them realise they gotta treat the conditions?

Claire

I don't know that there is much you can do to get someone to seek help, if they don't see themselves as having a problem. She is lucky to have a friend like you who continues to care. I'm afraid I would have dropped her long ago as I can't deal with that kind of drama. Kudos to you.

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Thank you for responding that's what i'm thinking i just hoped there was a way she could realise... I guess she will have to learn the hard way. Aww thank you that is really sweet sometimes i feel a bit stupid for it but she is a lovely person so i kinda have unlimited patience with her. I don't blame you for wanting to do that it is pretty intense and there is A LOT of drama... Her whole life is basically drama.. Everyday there is some sort of problem.

Thank you

Claire

You seem to somehow enjoy the drama. Maybe it makes you feel like the strong, sane person in the relationship? But truth is you are posting tons of threads about the same thing, which to me seems a bit odd. Do you ever share your issues and not just hers? Everyone has some kind of problems. Maybe you need to take a step back and ask yourself why you need a whole subforum focused on this friend. You say you can teach your friend social skills, but I doubt she wants to be trained like a dog. Maybe you are simply too focused on her and she can sense that. Maybe you need to realize friendships are supposed to be fairly equal, one part is not supposed to lead the other.

One of the easiest ways to not work on yourself is to get all caught up in fixing somebody else.

I'm not saying that's what you're doing...but you do post a LOT about your friend. Who's taking care of you?

I honestly don't enjoy it i just try and make a positive out of every situation and i like to think compared to her yeah i honestly am relatively sane, although in the past year i have had anxiety which i worked on. I have had a counsellor for the past year so i've sorted all my issues, i'm just trying to understand hers and help her as she is not doing it herself.

I understand where you're coming from but her ADD and possible BPD is destroying her life.... So if that is the case then that is ridiculous i've spent the past 2 years understanding my issues and finally sorted them out, however they didn't affect my friendships, relationships, job, academics, family relations and pretty much every aspect of my life. Infact i am grateful i am not in that position cause i was ignorant about having anxiety for a while but i bit the bone, accepted it and took advantage of the help i was offered.

Yeah friendships are suppose to be equal but i feel her untreated ADD makes it impossible to do that as she finds it challenging everyday just to do things people like myself take for granted

Claire

That is a very good point thank you for that however i have had bad anxiety for the past year almost terrified of going out the house. But i listened to people around me telling me something was wrong and decided to sort it out. I have had a counsellor for the past year who says i am very self aware and thinks that i am very sensitive and generous. Which is really polite i find it humbling. But yeah i do apologise for that it is just she is the only concern in my life right now otherwise everything else is brilliant.

After years of just taking a battering from her and her mood swings i finally understand her more but just want to help and broaden my knowledge of ADHD so i can help others too. I'd rather give than recieve and seeing as i have got A LOT of help in the past year i wanna give back. I understand anxiety and ADHD are 2 different conditions but i have a different outlook on mental illnesses having been through a pretty hectic year.

I have a lot of friends that take care of me and vice versa it's just one of my ADD friend's doesn't and that pulls on my heart strings a bit.

Thank you again

Claire

OK, so you worked on anxiety you did not feel and that did not affect any part of your life. And now you are done working at yourself.

I just cannot relate to any of that. When I feel anxiety I get tense, I think of everything bad, I'm scared or worried or very uncomfortable, I can't sleep I can only feel how terrible everything is. It does affect EVERY part of my life.

As I've said in earlier posts, you need to step back a bit. Take care of yourself for a while and let your friend sort out her life on her terms. At the moment it appears that she is just dragging you down. You've done all you can at the moment, put the ball is in her court and let her make the next move. Don't let the drama in her life keep you from moving forward. You are doing everything you can to fix someone that at the moment doesn't want to be fixed or doesn't think she is broken. Concentrate on the friends that support you. You can still be her friend if she needs one, give her space, if she is going to fall it's not your responsibility to pick her up.

I agree that Clair2015's sentiments are reasonably noble, if not somewhat misguided due to the fact she really has to sit back and wait for her friend to potentially come to her own realizations.

However Clair you level of preoccupation with the topic of your friend and her problems does seem somewhat over the top, and people here notice and wonder why. I mean it wouldn't shock me if you told me that 24/7 you do nothing else but think about her, I am not saying that is the case, but I think focusing all your emotions on her outcome is meeting some need that you have. Something strong is pushing or drawing you to her.

I think you need to examine why, and moderate your level of interest in the situation, because your level of interest in this person may potentially cause you to lose the person from your life, along with your ability to help her, if she does not welcome your level of attention.

I am certainly not judging you, and only know what I have read. You sound like a very admirable person with good values, but I am not sure you truly have resolved all your issues yet, this is only my opinion on an internet forum- do not take it too personally.

Best wishes.

It affected my life but not to the point i lost friends, jobs, college work etc i still have all that... Whereas she doesn't. Yeah anxiety is a constant thing as a disorder however i have taken meds and listened to people around me to be the best of my ability. It has worked so i think ignorance is bliss until karma comes back round which will happen to her if she carries on down this path.

Claire

Exactly thank you very much i am not friends with her anymore i have had enough ADD, BPD, ODD whatever she has she won't understand so at least i have a better knowledge of the conditions so i can be good to anyone else i meet with ADD. My other ADHD friends are lovely and don't create as much drama as they're treated so i agree no point letting someone drag me down

Thank you

Claire

I do indeed thank you for the reply the reason i joined this forum is simply as a last resort to save our shambles of a friendship. As you say i gotta wait for her to realise but life is too short to be doing this and i got a lot of drama as a result of it.

I understand it appears over the top i am very passionate about the topic as i know people with the condition. I'd often think of why she is like that and what i can do to help her. This hasn't worked. As i always say it's easier to point the finger than to look in the mirror. So she will learn the hard way. I do care as i have seen first hand how she gets treated and is isolated. Though i have an anxiety disorder i still manage to keep my life intact.

To be really honest i latch on to friends easier than boyfriends, i know you can get hurt easily in relationships compared to friendships which i hope to have solid ones for the rest of my life. She understood me as she has been hurt, vulnerable, pestered etc.

She was one of the best friends i had ever had, she made me the person i am today and i am lost without her. Well i think i am... Even though she creates so much drama the rest of my friends all think i am stupid for giving her so many chances. I was convinced being friends with her was the best thing that ever happened to me..... Now i realise she was the worst.

I understand i basically laid it on the line for her telling her that her relationship was costing her friends, job, college, etc. i am so done with trying to be friends with her i tried to not give up cause people who have ADD/HD a hard time keeping friends so it kinda motivated me to try and not be like the others.

Not at all i really appreciate your opinion and imput it gives me a chance to improve myself

Claire

You say you are lost without her. Maybe it is what you need to work with, the feelings you have about her. Oftentimes we have more than one type of feeling towards someone, and even when feelings contradict each other it is important to realize they are all valid in their own context.

Thank you for the reply i appreciate it greatly yeah i think so she was a big part of my life and was the first ADD friend i ever met. Have you ever just met a friend and become infatuated with them cause of the new exciting experience?

It's a bitter sweet friendship i think, she is so lovely but knows how to push my buttons and it's hard to hold back all the time. You're 100% right it is as if she is subconsciously teaching me how to improve myself. I have learn't a lot about her and ADHD as well as a lot about myself (my limits, patience etc)

Thank you

Claire