[amicrzy]

I was diagnosed in June of this year. My wife had been on me for years to get evaluated and I didn't do it. I never thought I had it (symptom #1). Her 'requests' were always at the end of a curse-infested argument during which she said 'there's something wrong with you. You have ADD. You're broken and you need go to the doctor and get yourself fixed.' Taking that as another personal attack, I resisted (symptom #2). I've always asked myself the same questions. Why is she so mean to me? Why can't I do anything right? Why does she call me names? Why is she so critical? Why is she verbally and emotionally abusing me? (Symptoms 3…4…)

I'm the type of person who gets defensive if I perceive an attack and after I get thrashed I withdraw. It's one thing to attack a person's actions. It's another to attack the personality or character of a person. And that's where most of my pain resides. In her defense, I should have taken care of this long ago. As a result, we are currently separated but still living in the same house even though I’m being treated and don’t argue nearly as much and my focus is much better. I still make mistakes that husbands make (forget something at the store, home later than planned, something household, disorganized, etc.) and get more penalized now than before I got diagnosed. It’s way beyond normal. Who needs to hear about literally every single thing they do wrong or differently? This has made me not want to try. I’m finding it impossible to work on the ADD and get past the emotional scars from not having any care from the one person from whom I need it. This can come across as blame but it is based on actual events.

I am being medicated and treated by a therapist whose husband has ADD so she can relate. She is seeing a therapist that is not familiar with ADD and has convinced her that my personality is to blame and that she has done nothing wrong. At home, the verbal abuse and criticism I'm enduring has increased dramatically. There has never been a moment where she acknowledged that ADD is a brain disorder that affects emotions and behavior. She thinks that it’s all learned and that a good deal of the time we can’t help it by ourselves. It's all me and never ADD she says. She says I have a defective and surly personality; that I'm incapable of love, compassion, caring, handling kids, job, relationship, anything. She has put all of this into lengthy emails and sent them to me. ADD or not, how much compassion and caring would anyone give back to a person who talks this way? Is it right to condemn someone like this and disregard the fact that there’s a brain disorder in the middle of it? In my worst moments, I never resorted to this level of scorn; never called names, never assaulted character.

I have apologized for not dealing with this sooner. However, do I have to apologize for having this condition? I did not catch this like a cold. I did not learn ADD. I was born with it according to the experts. After a diagnosis like this I don't feel that increasing the punishment and alienation is going to help. Quite the opposite.

I've read enough to understand that some spouses just can't take it anymore. Who can blame them right? But when the other partner receives new information like this that can shed light on past issues, shouldn't that get some consideration? And to add more salt to the wound, she has refused couples counseling. My life is to the point now where I either get excessively criticized in front of our kids or I get a lengthy email flooded with put-downs, or both. Then after that she asks me to do or fetch something for her (not hey would you do X, but I need you to do X). And she never says thank you.
As a result I am completely locked up. When I go home I don't speak to her unless spoken to and if she says anything negative I simply don't respond because I would be branded defensive and argumentative. I barely respond at all actually. She thinks we’re arguing and I think we’re talking. So now she says whatever she wants with no remorse or ramification and I’m supposed to sit there and take it. I’m to the point where I’m preparing to move myself out because I’m never getting the chance to improve on my ADD nor heal from the wounds from our relationship. And I don’t know if I can be with someone who treats me like this even though I’ve said/done things that have hurt her. I’ve apologized at least plus showed that I want to reconcile.

What if I was diagnosed with brain cancer and the tumor affected the parts of the brain that regulate emotions, behavior, and such? Would she reject and abandon me in that case too?

[kanasi]

Welcome to the boards, amicrzy.

I'm sorry your wife hasn't been more interested in learning about ADHD and what it takes to treat it. That must be especially disappointing since she's the one who pointed out you needed to be diagnosed. I can only go by what you wrote, but it sounds like you've done all you can do at this point. If she changes her mind, you can try to see if she might take interest in looking at the actual hard research on ADHD (including the brain scan stuff), but otherwise it sounds like you're on the right track and yet she's failing to see it. I hope you have further people to talk to. That may become important if things get rough.

[Mic2015]

Your wife sounds somewhat dominating and controlling over you.

You need to stand up for yourself and not tolerate it.

It doesn't sound "being separated" while living in the same house is working.

I wouldn't apologize to her, or any such thing any more.

[lineman1010]

WOW ! I can feel for you. You just described my life EXACTLY the same thing other than she moved out . I too was diagnosed late in life . Did and in some cases still do some of the same things. At her encouragement i was diagnosed in July. And of course it takes time and experimentation with meds. I have contacted and making sessions with a adhd therapist to help along with my psychiatrist. I've asked her to come with me to my sessions and she tells me it won't help cause I'm not going to be honest. I feel she would see and learn from it as well as me.
She says she read books and that's good enough. It's my problem and I have to fix it. I understand I have the disorder but if we are married and love each other shouldn't it involve both. Like you I'm going it alone.
Best wishes and good luck. Never stop trying !!!

[Upsidedownandinside]

I'm the same dude, my dad still tells me how useless I am, starting and not finishing tasks... trying to do too much at once.
You're not alone, I'm bipolar on top of it, so p doc has to be even more careful. Good luck
I'm busy just trying to accept me for me, bugger what others think

[lindaR071]

Originally Posted by lineman1010

WOW ! I can feel for you. You just described my life EXACTLY the same thing other than she moved out . I too was diagnosed late in life . Did and in some cases still do some of the same things. At her encouragement i was diagnosed in July. And of course it takes time and experimentation with meds. I have contacted and making sessions with a adhd therapist to help along with my psychiatrist. I've asked her to come with me to my sessions and she tells me it won't help cause I'm not going to be honest. I feel she would see and learn from it as well as me.
She says she read books and that's good enough. It's my problem and I have to fix it. I understand I have the disorder but if we are married and love each other shouldn't it involve both. Like you I'm going it alone.
Best wishes and good luck. Never stop trying !!!

It sounds like you are working on yourself, noone loves you like you do! take care of yourself and try to control issues as they arrive. You will find someone that truly wants to be there for you!

[lineman1010]

Originally Posted by lindaR071

It sounds like you are working on yourself, noone loves you like you do! take care of yourself and try to control issues as they arrive. You will find someone that truly wants to be there for you!

Thanks. I know i sounded awful. It's not her fault. It's mine . She did try to get me to understand her points. I wish I would not been in denial for so long . I wasn't nearly as educated on adhd until a lil while back. After i discovered that there wasn't a magical pill that would fix my issues for me and make my marriage the one I had in the beginning when I was hyperfocused on her. She has tried alot more than igave her credit . My inability to communicate was a big issue. Instead of going to her I avoided her ,hoping she would come to me.
Then when she did I got defensive. I lied to her to cover my shame, to abate consequences, and try to make myself look better than i really am. I did try at times but when I didn't get the results I expected I would shut down. Until now i didn't know why i did those things. Over the years I developed ways to protect myself (subconsciously). She is my wife and I should have been more receptive to her observations. But I wasn't and now i really see why and what led to our seperation. It wasn't my ADD.....it was my behaviors. I accept that now. I have taken responsibility for my actions not to blame others . especially the ones that love me. Many people have gotten control of their disorder. I know it's a hard road but with meds and therapy I will succeed. She is the love of my life and will always be. I only wish she was here to help be my accountability partner. I start therapy councelling very soon. Which is another thing I've been avoiding. But to get a handle on my issue is has to be done. You know...procastination.
I am not looking for someone else to be there for me.I am looking and praying that my wife sees i am working hard to get a grip on it. I don't know if she will but I still have to try. I do love her very much and if it takes forever to get me right and be with the person i hyperfocused on at the beginning I'll do it.
Thanks again linda071, I wish you luck and my prayers for you.

[Needeles]

I'm in the same boat of sorts. I've had ADHD since I was a child however and trust me when I say there is no magical pill that will fix it. Yes there are things that can help with it but there are many factors with it. The best you can do is let her know you are sorry for the past, show her change in the present and continue the change into the future. Some people can handle/cope with issues while others can't.

As said I have had ADHD for a very long time and my wife and I have recently split as well. Many of the issue we had were due to my mental issues, much more then just ADHD however. She doesn't understand them completely and refuses to accept them, as some people can't. Sometimes just giving them the info and letting them learn it on there own is the only thing you can do. I will say if you do truly love her then try your best to show her and not keep her in the dark. I know I'm pretty impulsive when it comes to things that upset me and if that is a problem try not to let it get the best of you. I am a strong believer that if your open and honest with each other and there is love there it can be fixed/resolved.

Once you start to see someone they will or should help teach you ways to deal with this and how to better handle it. This in itself may help with your marriage as well. Best of luck to you.