Do you need to feel guilty?

Hi all, I've read some posts on this forum about AS/ASD in which the spouses of those with AS/ASD say how they have struggled in one-sided relationships or difficult relationships with that sufferer for years, their frustrations, but now have a lot more understanding/patience with them since the thing that was wrong all along was diagnosed or delineated, or better yet "named/identified".

Thing is, I really feel guilty now for making all the people in my life suffer with me all this time. Now that I have a diagnosis, I feel bad for how people had to put up with me all this time. I am actually ashamed, now that I have read these testimonies from normal people who had to live with people like me.

I would just like someone's opinion on this. I have yet to tell others about my diagnosis. Should I go to them, tell them about my condition and apologize for things I didn't even realize I was causing? I mean the damage is done, would such an apology help?

I wouldn't feel guilty if I were you. it is something you couldn't control. I am sure it would make you feel better to say something though. but you don't owe them an apology. just let them know you feel bad, understanding what they have been through. that you see it through their eyes and see that it has been difficult for them. just express empathy for their position. that will move them. take care.

I know what you mean. I've seen a lot of these kinds of posts in this forum from partners or ex partners of people who didn't have a diagnosis and how it drove them crazy having to 'deal with' all of the other persons 'issues'. Since my diagnosis I've learned a lot about things that I do which are not considered to be socially acceptable ('nice' is probably a more colloquial term) and I do feel bad for them. Though I try not to dwell on them because I can't change my past actions, I can only try to not be such a 'pain' in the future. I know there are likely a lot of things I still do which will annoy or upset people around me but I'll deal with those as they happen haha.

I'll be honest, it does kind of annoy me when I see those kinds of posts on this particular forum because before diagnosis and before we understand that we think and act differently or that things we do can be construed as rude or offensive, we really don't know. It's not like we know and then go out of our way to be the most awkward Human-being we possibly can be just to spite the people around us. So I don't think it's very nice of these people to come to this forum for people with ASDs and rant about how difficult it is to live with people like us. In my mind, that's pretty rude.

Thanks guys for all the insight. I can recall some instances where people (seemingly) jokingly called me a "pain in the arse" but now I realize they really meant it. I could never understand why people were acting they way they were with me.

I read once that how you see the world and the reactions you get from people are a projection of what is going on inside of you. But, in the case of AS/ASD I find an exception to that. It should actually be defined as a projection of what you portray on the outside. I mean, when people have and portray feelings of hate toward me it is not because I hate them inside. Or, when people just don't seem to care or pretend like I don't exist, it's not because I lack empathy for them inside of me. It's because the condition I have is causing me not to be able to SHOW it/EXPRESS it, hence they believe only what they SEE, sum me up as an asshole, and then treat me accordingly. This is one case where I feel "seeing is believing" does not hold.

Inside I am being hurt more than anyone will know, because I crave interaction. And, I can't show that either.

Yeah exactly, 'what you see is what you get' really doesn't work too well for us. My dad never understood that, we used to get into a lot of arguments because he'd tell me to "cheer up" or to "clam down" when inside I was perfectly happy or calm but outwardly I didn't show what he expected to see so he thought I wasn't. He constantly uttered an expression which annoyed me "actions speak louder than words", but for me the actions don't come naturally so all I can really do is use my words and if I say I'm happy and enjoying myself then that's how I feel even if my face doesn't necessarily show that. In his defence, I didn't get diagnosed until after he had died so he didn't know any better but I do wish he'd have just taken my word for it.

No. I do not feel guilty. I do my best understanding others. I spend a lot of energy finding means of gathering information about others, how they feel, why they feel it, what to do, what not to do...

I feel VERY few neurotypicals return the favor. Many feel that since they are "normal", I of course should try to be normal and understand them. It doesn't even matter if I offer clues on what I am or how I am. I can honestly say I bend MUCH MUCH more than anyone I know. I constantly violate my own wellbeing, for others. I have to, because others cannot be bothered to meet me half way.

Of course there are certain individuals who have gotten more used to me and I'm them. Still I feel I give more.

I sound a little mad at them, but it's not like that. I just don't see the logic in if they are normal and actually smarter than me, howcome I'm the one trying to always fit in?

Sometimes I actually think they think I'm a soulless machine.

A lot of the time I think I'm a soulless machine. I try my best of treat other people fairly and kindly (sometimes to the point of not sticking up for myself), but in a machine-like kind of way (without true emotional connection or true "compassion"). It's like I try to act artificially compassionate because I believe in treating others with compassion. But I am kind of a robot so it doesn't come off at all the way a normal person who truly wants the best for others would.

OP:

You don't have to feel bad about it. I'm very distant from everybody that I know and everybody who cares about me. You don't need to feel that you have to reveal your diagnosis to anyone unless you want to for your own reasons. The people who really know you and are close to you can already tell that you care about them in your own way. They know you aren't trying to hurt them with your offbeat/distant/whatever ways. Everybody is different regardless of diagnoses and you have every right to be who you are regardless of being ASD. But if you feel comfortable with telling some of them or feel like you want to then maybe it will help them understand you more or whatever. But even if you didn't know you were ASD you still would have the right to be emotionally distant in my opinion (and they should understand it regardless of whether you're ASD or not)... like I said I am emotionally distant to the max but I think the people I really care about know that I would take a bullet for them even if I'm kind of reclusive and weird.

If someone has met one person with autism, they have met one person with autism. I mean there is nothing to say you do/did the exact same things the autistic individual such posters have had a relationship with or met....unless of course you legitimately feel that is very close to how you come off. Also having autism does not make one immune to being a jerk...what is to say in some of these cases the person is acting like a jerk and it has nothing to do with misunderstandings of their autistic traits?

I really don't think there is a whole lot of point to apologizing for things you aren't aware...also its probably best to apologize more immeadiately after the fact. Like say you say something not meaning to be rude but the person takes it like you where being rude then apologizing would be appropriate...but if you where to go up to someone in your life and say 'sorry for anything I might have done, I have autism.' that might be over-doing it because that is sort of like apologizing for being you.

Also though I doubt the neurotypicals are always in the right when it comes to every single interaction...sometimes they might take something as rude that another neurotypical wouldn't see as rude, sometimes they come off rude and inconsiderate without realizing it or they had a bad day and are irritable.

That's my feelings exactly. People think I'm a machine too. I've had the experience before where I actually told a girl that I loved her, and she said that she was totally surprised and shocked, and that it was so unexpected from me. So, I guess nobody expected me to be capable of such feelings ?

I don't think that sounds soulless at all. I think that can open for a more true understanding of others. You don't feel what they feel when you empathize, but you treat them as people that have value, and this sounds like a good basis of fairness, not getting dragged into the game who is worth "more". If that is the case, I see that as a deep kind of caring that many people lack.

Also, if you are not very emotional with people, maybe also you don't project emotions in the same way many do? Sometimes reasoning is the way. I notice several who are more emotional in their approach to others, empathize based on their own feelings. (I mean, seriously they cannot truly feel what others feel so it must come from he inside.) That means they run on emotional instinct which is actually a rather crude tool. I'd rather have someone just theoretically empathizing with me, if they actually on some level get me. Rather that than someone feeling bad when I feel bad, or happy when I feel happy and are clueless why.

I'm not really dissing any of the kinds of empathy people show. We probably need more than one kind to have a good society.

That's the whole issue with AS, is lack of expression of emotion by those of us who have it, and empathy for others. We project lack of empathy and they mirror it back to us as such, even though we feel a lot more than we show. That is why normal people seem to emotionally ignore us most of the time. You can understand their feelings all you want, it's the showing and subsequent reciprocation that is the problem.

Sometimes I am just an idiot, and feel guilty. When something goes wrong, I can't help but find the fault in something I have done, it's me that caused it. For a long time I even felt guilty about being born, if you can believe that. It's something that stems from my childhood (guilt-tripping) but that's a whole other story all together.

True. That doesn't mean they have a right way of doing things and we have a wrong way. I do think most people can improve their understanding of others.

Of course I do see the issue, it is easy to be perceived as callous and machine like. That doesn't mean we are machines, even those of us who actually don't really feel for others in a direct sense. Also, there are other means of being seen, I'm seen as a very good friend IRL, and it doesn't come from my warm and cuddly nature (LOL), but people who know me know actions speak rather loudly, and I act kind.

My biggest issue is with those who do not know me or never gave me a chance. Those who are so stubborn they think a first impression is always right.

So yea, we get a lot of crap "back", but there are those who actually listen to words and see actions. "Normal" is a spectrum too.

It's actually quite funny actually. We are told as kids, never judge a book by it's cover, yet that is still what everybody does in adulthood. That is exactly what judging people on first impressions is.

Great Post - ....I am overly emotional/passionate at times and I know I scare others sometimes. The right people know or get to know "who you are" you will never satisfy the rest. I work with individuals that are labeled "Autistic" or whatever. Science and Society is getting better at understanding - it will still take a while. I would rather have a few great people in my life than a bunch that do not understand or care to understand.

Thanks for that reply - I think it was really insightful and it really made me think. I do think I'm a soulless robot, but I guess I would rather be this way. I think it makes me a good person overall but it's hard to not be able to relate to most people (which I think is the same problem OP is having).

I know exactly what you mean man... I got the guilt-trip a lot too. I think it's hard growing up different and having the guilt-trip being added to it. You end up feeling bad about yourself as a whole. You get the guilt-trip then you get rejected by peers at school for being different... a soul-crushing 1-2 combo punch. If you're different you need even more acceptance/encouragement at home if you're going to succeed... personally my family had extenuating circumstances that pushed my needs to the back burner so I didn't get what I needed from family and certainly wasn't accepted by peers... game over for self-esteem.

Yeah, exactly, thanks for that . I think I lost my self-esteem at about 5 already, when I started going to school. I've totally adapted to live without it for the last 20 years.

When I work with families.... I often see how the parents/families are trying to cope. Some really do not know any better - but that still affects how you feel about yourself. We try and "educate" them so they are more understanding and tolerant while they find ways to make your life better. No one but you knows what if feels like to be you.

My heart breaks so much to hear about your self-doubts and how clueless people may treat you. I admire individuals for the abilities - even though they may not be the same as mine. We try and help those that we can that are struggling in many areas. I have met some incredible and interesting "brains/individuals"

I am glad you have this site - it does not solve everything - helps me to be able to get it out of my head. I know it is helping me with my issues - I hope you feel the some way at times.

I do not have to look at the expression on your face .... you posts tell me a lot.

From my point of view.....I don't think you should feel guilty. If there was a huge problem that caused a huge problem in both your lives.....then it would be nice to have communication regarding the situation & to give the other person a better understanding of what was going on & why & let them know that you have a better understanding of what was involved in the situation also. Both people are responsible for the situation even if the actions of one seemed to be the cause....because on the other side of every action is a reaction. But in major situations like that.....communication & clearing up the situation is important to have the discussion & the understanding & not just brush it under the carpet. It's always like that with any disagreement that exists between 2 people no matter what......those things need a resolution for the relationship to either continue or even try to get back together.....but if that's not important.....then....it doesn't really matter.

If it's not a huge thing that has caused a huge problem between 2 people...then there is nothing to feel guilty about either & there are always going to be differences between people.....& if you encounter then again & something comes up....then maybe an explanation might be appropriate for better understanding.

I definitely appreciated this comment:
I think this was definitely the case.....I think that there is part of trying to give them the benefit of the doubt & trying to find the reason behind them being a jerk.....when in reality....that's what they definitely are......& this really hit home for me......THANK YOU Initially trying to figure out how a nice person could be such a jerk & then finding the line between the why & the just plain jerk.....isn't always that easy.....but you are right...sometimes it's just plain jerk that causes the action.

I don't think that it was the thought that nobody expected you to be capable of such feelings.....usually there is a buildup of things being said & feelings that exchange before getting to that point in a relationship.....& if she never felt or heard some of those clues before you came out with the "I LOVE YOU" it would naturally come as a shock.....just a little insight that might give a bit of understanding. Relationships are difficult enough no matter what......but communication is such an important part of relationships & when communication is difficult, it makes it that much more difficult to get all the pieces of the puzzle to come together

Relationships aren't hard, people's hearts are.
Those who love truth, to them shall the truth be revealed.
Those who conceal, for them shall the truth be concealed.
Those who play games, their games never end.
Those who speak plainly, to them the truth is plain.
Those who speak cryptically, to them truth is cryptic.

Love grows in a relationship, it doesn't just instantaneously happen, so when there is no signs of the growth happening because there is no communication along the way.......then of course it would come as a shock.

Relationships are hard.....it's NOT people's hearts that are hard. Relationships have to be worked at to keep them on track.....friendships or intimate relationships it's all the same.....because it's about 2 different people with 2 different minds coming together from 2 way different backgrounds. Relationships are learning about the other person, what they like & what they don't like & adapting sometimes to those things (on both sides).....Relationships are a 2 way streed & they take a lot of work. You can have 2 people who speak very plainly & who are very open & it still takes work because 2 different people usually have 2 different ways of seeing things.....that's just how it is.

It doesn't really even matter anymore, I gave up on love and relationships a long time ago already. I'll just have to grow old alone. No amount of explaining or helping me is going to help me, I just suck at it period and I've accepted it as such. Thanks anyway for all the advice but it doesn't matter anymore.

LOL....you sound sad about it.....I am thrilled to live the rest of my life alone after all the bad years I had in the marriage. I gave up on it because that's what I WANT. I couldn't live like that any longer & it's so wonderful to be alone.....one can do what they want when they want to. I don't need to have a relationship to be happy.....but I do have some very special friends that I do lots of things together.....but as for love between husband/wife.......will NEVER go there again......& I'm so ok with that.

Think is being ok with the choices we make & not just doing them because we feel forced into that place.

Exactly, but that's the point, you will never go there AGAIN, I will never go there period. I've lost it before I've even had it.