Too odd to fit in.

I've always been socially avoidant. I have extreme anxiety about being inappropriate and getting rejected. Over my life, I think I didn't rack up the normal amount of experience that it takes to develop social know-how. So I mishandle situations a lot.

My diagnosis is Major Depressive Disorder. My thinking is that I have a personality disorder . . . maybe a few of them. Since telling that to my doctor, he has started to talk about me having Borderline Personality Disorder and other "personality issues." I did blow up at him when I was getting very frustrated that I am not recovering from serious depression. When that happened, I mainly said bad things about myself. Now I feel like he is taking what I said and using it as ammunition against me.

People in the mental health field tend to look down on people with personality disorders. Axis 2 diagnoses are very stigmatizing. That's very unfortunate. People don't choose to have them anymore than one chooses to have a mood disorder.

I know that, at times, I am dislikable. I experience acute remorse over this. At times, I really don't know how to behave . . . or I lose control. That leads to rejection.

This is so painful that I am becoming suicidal. For years, I thought I was making progress. Then, after losing a job, my life started to fall apart on all fronts. My job was the one place where I thought I had successful interactions with people and earned respect. I feel my doctor doesn't respect me. I guess that is because I don't really respect him. I don't respect treating personality disorders with medication after medication. Lately, he told me that carbamazepine would help me because it's good for borderline personality disorder. He had never diagnosed me with any personality disorder. Once, a doctor at this same facility told me I had Narcississtic Personality Disorder.

What I am hearing is that they dislike me . . . very much. I wonder if they see anything right with me.

I am losing what little confidence I had and becoming more and more withdrawn. I have gone to the psych facility, recently, and told them that I am becoming a wreck and unable to cope. "How do you think we can help you?" is what I'm told, and I don't have an answer to that.

My fears that I cannot be accepted by other people have worsened my depression. All I do is hide. My life has become very hard to endure. My way of interacting with others seems to be just getting worse. I've started to take pain pills for relief of mental anguish.

After a painful life, it is now worse than ever. My S/O is in failing health and I anticipate losing him. He is the only person in my life. Even he is getting sick of the way I am. I had planned a trip to visit family, but am very fearful of going.

The distress I feel has been getting worse and worse. I wonder if any of this sounds familiar to anyone. I feel like a misfit and I want to escape the world.

You sound like a twin sister to me. I had borderline plonked onto my record because I said I recognized some of those patterns in myself. Cmon, pdoc, do your own work. He did nothing. That's pathetic. I myself have little respect for the profession after how I have been treated by a bunch of pill-happy classifiers who sit on their high-status medical horse and look down on their patients. Just my experience; I have never been helped but only further hindered. They apparently help other people, but I am very different in many ways. I am outside common categories very often in the behaviour of my body and mind, and they can't see outside their categories, at least not the nitwits I've had the pleasure of being treated by. Thank heavens our physical medicine establishment in my area is much better than that, or I would be dead.

What you say resonates with me, although from what I have read your family is more disordered (for want of a better term) than mine.

Rose76, I have distress from being with other people. When I am having be out in the public with my "public mask", it takes a lot of energy to act "appropriately." I am exhausted after 6-8 hours of not being home. A lot of that stress has to do with fear of rejection.

So, a lot of what you endure, is familiar landscape, though I have no S/O. It is just that family does not grasp the situation and pretends it is not there.

I am just posting this to let you know you are not alone with these emotions and feelings. My best relief from some of the negatives in my life is to come here at PC and the two pets I have. The pets I have understand rejection and are happy
that I understand them. Rose76.

Hello Rose,

I understand how you feel about the way your pdoc treats you.
Sometimes, it is juste frustrating.

Maybe changing pdoc, but I don‘t think they will want.

I am very grateful to hear from both of you above . . . that you have experienced this. Most people don't go through life feeling this way about themselves. While everyone has struggled with feelings of inadequacy, it is not usual to feel this cut off. I don't expect most people to really grasp what I'm saying. So these posts you've left mean a lot.

H3rmit: I hate going to the pdoc, but go to get my prescriptions and referrals I need. Seeing pdocs or therapists actually makes me feel worse. I agree that they do not do the work it takes to know what is going on with people. You are fortunate to have good medical care in your area. Where I get my psych care is a facility with a long-standing poor reputation, which I think it well deserves. Yes, my family has been pretty disordered in emotional terms. I do believe that is where the problems start. I am so sick of hearing about "chemical imbalances of the brain." There was nothing wrong with the brain I have. They define problems that way because, then, they can say the foundation of treatment is chemical.

optimize: I agree that pets can be a God-send. I miss the dog I used to have. She loved me more than I thought was possible. Getting another doggie would mean, eventually, going through the loss again. Maybe one day I can face taking that on.

Thank you both for letting me know I am not alone in this. (((HUGS))) to you both.

Thank you,Perseverance. Just got your post.

You nailed it. Chemicals are fun to work with, much more so than feelings for many of us. Also easier to quantify. Reminds me of the story of the drunk guy looking for his keys under the lamppost even though he dropped them in the dark - because it's brighter there.

H3rmit: I like the analogy about trying to find the keys. This fixation on pharmaceutical solutions to human difficulty really alienates me. I can't tell you how many times it's been said to me that, "It sounds like your medications need adjusting." It tends to be a person who knows next to nothing about me who will be quickest to say that.

I figured out, early in life, that I would have to push myself way out of my comfort zone to participate in life. I took responsibility for doing that, and I did it plenty. Facing down fear is a stressful way to live. That stress takes a toll. A fearful mindset, once formed, can stay with you no matter what you do. Sometimes, I think that being socially avoidant is a form of PTSD. I don't think you can get cured of it.

Going to therapy was hugely disappointing for me. The idea that what I really need to do is work harder at analyzing myself and my life is something that I am coming to reject. The more I think about things, the more I find to criticize in myself, and the worse I feel. I get to thinking that I am doing a good job of identifying bad attitudes and changing them. The real result seems to be that I am advancing further into self-loathing. It is a nightmare.

I guess - like the song said - "What the world needs, now, is Love." We bloom from being well-loved. Absent that, we wither. I grew up in an environment of very harsh criticism. I learned to be harshly critical of myself, and others. Going around being critical of everything and everybody is not a recipe for making friends. I know that now. It has become such a reflex, though, that - well - I do it reflexively. I try to be mindful of this, but no one can totally control an ingrained personality trait.

Bad (maladaptive/dysfunctional) personality traits that are sufficiently crippling add up to personality disorder. That's what I have IMO. It causes my life to be unhappy and, so, I am depressed. Anti-convulsant medication (or anti-psychotic, or anti-depressive) isn't going to fix that.

Being told by my doctor that I have a disordered personality makes me feel more hopeless. I don't know why he even brought that up. It's like having a plastic surgeon tell me that I'm ugly.

Yes, h3rmit, I think doctors do get real condescending and look down on people. I feel like my doctor is saying to me, "Look at you. You're a mess." I feel like therapists have said that to me. I already know that. No one has to tell me. Life has told me.

My doctor said, "I know you're demoralized." I felt like I could hear him continuing silently, "and you've got plenty to be demoralized about. Look at you. You're a mess."

Hi Rose - hope it's okay if I shorten that and leave off the number -

I can relate to the core of what you are saying. Then the part about worrying what they think and fearing the judgments is something I have worked hard to get rid of, hence getting rid of most of the anxiety about people. Not that I could work 8 hours a day with them any more - when I taught, I learned a lot, but I also learned being around people all the time isn't for me. I don't fear the judgments because I accept some people will judge. I can deal with it when they bring it into the explicit context. So I am freed from that energy cycle. Now, when it's a matter of someone with power of me, such as a doctor or boss or clique, then it's more burdensome - at that point I get concerned about the potential impacts of their actions that result from their judgments! Even so, I try not to worry, try to compartmentalize. I procrastinate about worrying. I'll do it later. My husband worries enough for a whole clan, never mind the two of us. When I think of past judgments by doctors, I could get very angry. Instead I try to solve most things without doctors; and as you say, therapists have not helped.

Life is overwhelming and sometimes I just want to withdraw, rage, and cry. It seems like you might have been near that state when posting.

The one thing people kept telling me in the first 20-30 years of my life was I'm being too hard on myself. Sounds like your self-critical voice has a strong hold on you, which is painful. If only you could reject that and the fear. I still have a strong 2-year-old in me, ie I love a defiant, "NO!!" It helps to be able to shout down things that aren't working and make space for something new. When I had a stupid crush on a man a long time ago, I literally yelled STOP and GET OUT OF MY MIND. It helped. YMMV.

I see that you feel you cannot change, and that may be true, and it might turn out to be true that no matter how hard you tried, you could not change. I doubt I could desensitize my senses of smell, hearing, and visual perception, without some drugs or surgery, and I don't want to go there. I don't want to change those things, even though they cause me trouble sometimes. I want to be my natural self, as far as senses go. My choice. No one can force you to keep trying. You have to choose what is workable and liveable for you. I keep soldiering on trying to solve problems. Sometimes it doesn't seem worth it and often I have wanted to end my life. So be it. My point is that people are different and live their own lives.

People are not perfect, neither ourselves nor others. I find buddhist philosophy helpful in getting an understanding of different ways of thinking reflectively rather than reflexively - ie pondering rather than reacting. I was raised Catholic, and while the Jesuits are part of a great intellectual tradition, my family was stuck in simple-minded judgments and ideas of guilt which led to shame. Shame is in excess, not balanced. In buddhist philosophy, balance and the middle way help avoid excesses. Also, it has a toolbox of practices which can be used to develop balance. I have found it helpful. YMMV, of course. I have found I enjoyed developing my intellectual mind as well, which helps with balancing and integrating emotional mind. Again, it's reflective rather than reflexive. Very nice to escape those automatic reactions.

I feel your intense pain. I'm a bit afraid to post this, because you may not want to hear what worked for me and how I understand things. I would like you to feel heard, but that is your call.

Hi again, Rose - too late to edit, so I'm going to PS. I would like to encapsulate an important point.

If you reject working harder, that's your free choice. Work should get results, not make things worse. That is not happening for you!

That guy doesn't sound like a good doctor to me.
He seriously wanted you to take something for borderline personality? Meds don't generally even help bpd!

H3rmit: I am touched by the time and thought you've put in to posting here. I do feel heard and thank you for that. We have some similarities in background and in interests. I have to get ready for my flight tomorrow. Going on a trip may help me. All my issues will still be waiting for me. It really helps to get feedback from others who didn't find that going to see a therapist was the be all and end all. I'm glad for those who find great support in therapy. I didn't. Thanks for hearing the pain. I've been hurting a lot. If only the professionals could speak to that a bit. Sometimes people just need some consolation, and then it's easier to resume the struggle.

Oh, just Rose is fine. I only had to add the numbers because I'm not the only Rose.

Actually, some do help to reduce the intensity of BPD.

My own experience is that taking Tegretol does not, in any way, change my personality.

Thanks to both of you who posted differing opinions on this issue. I understand the theory that drugs may reduce intensity. Maybe for some they do. I'm skeptical. I think a lot of what drives borderline personality disorder is extreme insecurity. Maybe something calming helps. I don't believe that I am have true full-blown borderline per. d/o. I think I do have PD Mixed, of PD NOS. Under stress, I can be less than poised in my responses to people. I don't think that will be changed by meds.

Well of course they don't for everyone. Everyone responds differently to medication. I've only been on one medication but it hasn't helped me either, but it can help some people. Anyway... yeah, good luck with what you're going through. I relate to a lot of what you said. I also have Avpd, BPD, and Major Depression, and I've felt inadequate and avoidant all of my life.

nevergoodenough: It's a pretty tough way to live. I guess your screen name here indicates how you feel.

I'm always confused when I see BPD. I wonder if the writer means Bipolar Disorder, or Borderline Personality Disorder.

Isn't it too bad there wasn't a med fix that worked for you and me. Thanks for being able to relate. I wish professionals could be a bit more empathetic.

Sorry, yeah, I meant Borderline.

You're welcome. And yes, it is too bad.

Rose76 –

Your life sounds amazingly similar to mine, though I have never brought up any personality disorders with my doctor. I do, however, have severe anxiety and I also fear that I will never be accepted by others. While I can’t imagine what it would feel like to have someone close to me in failing health, everything else I very much understand.

I fear there’s really not much I can say that’ll help you though…all I can do is tell you is that you’re not alone in this struggle. Is there anyone who you trust, that you can talk to? I put myself on the line and blurted out a lot of my issues to someone and it actually helped. A lot.

Just remember – you’re not alone!