[Lauru]

I have a history of working for a year or two at the most, and then losing or quitting my job because of a bipolar relapse. Well it has happened again. I am 36 years old, and this crap still hasn't stopped. I don't know what to do anymore. Am I capable of doing any job? I am college educated with a BA and I can't work in my career, just small jobs here and there. The stress always gets to me eventually. Life was going great, and then wham! another depression. I don't know if there is any hope for me. Maybe this is alll I am capable of. Is that enough for me? I don't know. I had such dreams and aspirations, only to see them dashed and never fulfilled. Sometimes, there is only so much a person can take...

[BNLsMOM]

Originally Posted by Lauru

I have a history of working for a year or two at the most, and then losing or quitting my job because of a bipolar relapse. Well it has happened again. I am 36 years old, and this crap still hasn't stopped. I don't know what to do anymore. Am I capable of doing any job? I am college educated with a BA and I can't work in my career, just small jobs here and there. The stress always gets to me eventually. Life was going great, and then wham! another depression. I don't know if there is any hope for me. Maybe this is alll I am capable of. Is that enough for me? I don't know. I had such dreams and aspirations, only to see them dashed and never fulfilled. Sometimes, there is only so much a person can take...

I'm with you my friend. I am 35 and I have had at least 50 jobs and never held one for more than a year. I am a certified yoga instructor, English teacher, Realtor, page designer, editor, cashier, etc. Lived in 20 homes in 13 years. I just got into therapy and got on meds this year and I hope to recover well enough to choose a passion and make it my long term career.

Are you in therapy? On meds?

[Foramir]

I am only 22 and have held to many jobs to count, so I feel your pain. I finally had to end up joining the Army and being discharged. I now own my own business and hence make my own schedule, work the days I want/can and take the days off I want or can't work. I not only have Bipolar I also have Combat related PTSD, so I'm one sick puppy. My job can fit around my episodes and it may work for ya'll also. Send me a private message if you would like more information on what I do and how you can do it also.

[Lauru]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

I'm with you my friend. I am 35 and I have had at least 50 jobs and never held one for more than a year. I am a certified yoga instructor, English teacher, Realtor, page designer, editor, cashier, etc. Lived in 20 homes in 13 years. I just got into therapy and got on meds this year and I hope to recover well enough to choose a passion and make it my long term career.

Are you in therapy? On meds?

I am going back to therapy. I was doing so well that I had "graduated" and my therapist and I terminated therapy. Now I am going back on Tues. I am on tons of meds and have been since I was 18. Currently I am on Lamictal, Lithium, Seroquel XR, Abilify, wellbutrin SR, Zoloft, Cytomel. It's scary I know. But when I went off the seroquel with my PDoc's advice, I relapsed in my symptoms. So now I am going back on it. This sucks

[Xantin]

yes, relapse IS the reason to break the job, but only for a time... You can't go back?? I have no relapses, I have only mixed states and D/M. However, I sometimes work... I recommend full retirement coz of disorder, like me.

[Lauru]

Originally Posted by Xantin

yes, relapse IS the reason to break the job, but only for a time... You can't go back?? I have no relapses, I have only mixed states and D/M. However, I sometimes work... I recommend full retirement coz of disorder, like me.

I can go back to work. I am hoping they don't find out I have a mental illness. They frown on that because we work with children. Apparently, they don't trust people with a mental illness around children. It's not like I'm violent or anything. I just get really sad. I thought about not working again, but that just makes me so sad. I LIKE working and I would miss it. But to each his own

[Amazonmom]

A really bad depressive episode ended up with me flunking out of grad school and losing a career path I thought I wanted.

At least I know why I wasn't able to just "snap out of it" like I was told to do by my mother....

[ashty]

Oh I'm totally with you on the aspect of people not trusting you because you a mental illness and you work with children - I just got failed on my last teaching placement because I was stupid enough to tell them about it! I've actually never worked harder in my life and honestly don't think I did anything wrong (this has been confirmed by other colleagues etc)... I was just unfortunate enough to have an ignorant and unsupportive mentor/tutor combination.

I think one thing I've learned in the past few years is to be weary of terminating treatment when you feel well. I'm on another waiting list to see an NHS Psychologist for CBT (anxiety) and they won't confirm my bipolar diagnosis or do anything about it until I turn up at A&E in a manic episode. Which is highly unlikely as I'm bipolar 2 or cyclothymic at best, so hypomania is my creative muse and I write good music in those times.

If you can go back to work when your depression has lifted, then I do envy you. Yes, it'll be here forever, and yes you'll have to deal with the ups and downs, but being in an environment where you are supported or don't have to tell them the whole story then that is a great thing. I'd just be happy to be here, be alive, be functioning, because so many people in our condition aren't as lucky as that.

So, I wish you all the best. Keep doing what you're doing, because it's obviously working! But I would look into some long-term treatment plan that you can drop in and out of as you need it ,if there is such a thing!! because having the help when you need it, or see that you will soon need it, is a big big help!!

[paddym22]

I tried and tried to work but my psychiatrist eventually said to me that I needed to accept my limitations and not being able to work productively in any type of stress related environment is one of them. I just get ill again. Now I am stable and happier as a result. It is difficult not to have the regularity and the social aspect that work allows for. People say to me that I am lucky not having to go to work which annoys me incredibly because the reason I cannot work is this disease. I know that some normal people are so ignorant as to think I am just lazy. I am sad to see that there are so many replies to this thread, we all have to endure the same end result.

[BIPOLARSMOM2]

Hi Lauru,

I'm sorry your having such troubles... My daughter went through the same thing for years... she has done well for the last 6 and I always keep my fingers crossed for many more .. This seems to be a common problem for those with Bipolar Disorder, I wish I had answers for you... Just hope things get better for you soon.. As you can see from the other post.... you are not alone...
Hang in there, HUGS
B. C. Levinson
Author - " I just want my Daughter back - Coming to terms with Bipolar 1 "

[thinker22]

I've only ever been fired from one job, but I do try to keep my condition a secret. I've talked about problems with insomnia and they've noticed the weight loss, but I think it's best not to tell them I was suicidal and got taken to the hospital by force. That's probably not going to go over well. Not blaming anyone who has told their employer. Some are very understanding and accommodating, but it's a case by case issue.

Taking all kinds of jobs kind of goes with the territory of being bipolar and creative. I've been an animal caretaker at a zoo, a legal secretary, a temp in NYC, an exec admin assist, and even done web design, and paid to write screenplays amongst others. I like the variety. I get bored sticking to one thing. The job I got fired from was at a grocery store. I was bagging groceries and it cut up my arms and the managers expected me to smile at the customers. I'm not a smiley person, but I'm especially irritable when putting away some lady's orange juice and milk causes lacerations on my forearms. I showed up late after a job interview for something else and that was the last straw. I laughed hysterically in the parking lot after I got into my car.

[ifiruledtheworld]

I showed up late after a job interview for something else and that was the last straw. I laughed hysterically in the parking lot after I got into my car.

I am so sorry to do this but I laughed so much after reading your last sentence, because, I have done the same thing before with a job I worked at for 2 hours and walked out on!

On Thursday night I ended up getting wasted on beer and champagne and had to call in to work Friday morning. I'm on notice for doing things like that. I have been at this job for 1. 5 years and still have managed to keep it. I'll find out on Monday if I still am employed. If I am not, I am sure I will do something drastic and get suicidal again. My meds do not seem to be helping me with my alcohol abuse. Ugh. I hate myself for being this way but I have come to accept myself as I am. If anything, I will commit myself to a mental health hospital before I attempt suicide again. Besides, suicide is suicide--it is never an attempt. Attempts are simply cries for help. I too have had so many jobs I can't even count them anymore. Currently I work as a social worker. Can you believe that? I help people who are f***ed up yet I'm more f***ed up than they are!

[thinker22]

It's not totally counter intuitive that people like us should want to help other f***ed up people. I'd like to work with abused people or animals some day when I am well. Why? Already had it happen to me so I get them, why they can't trust anyone, why they're shy/withdrawn, etc.

It's okay to laugh at my getting fired from a job I hated. I still think it's funny. The interview I was on such that caused me to be late I actually got the job and that was the animal caretaker position, which I loved.

And I have had alcohol abuse problems too. Never missed a day of work on account of it, but have arrived hung over. Bad me. Anyway, I hope you're talking to a professional about your problems w/alcohol. I've cut way back, but I do drink too much sometimes on occasion. Self-sabotage sucks. Don't let your depression get to the point of being suicidal before you call your T or P-doc. This is even if you don't lose your job. Better to check in than to just be worrying and drinking. The meds won't probably ever cure your craving if you're an alcoholic or you have that gene running in your family. I know they don't cure mine. Take care of yourself.

[ifiruledtheworld]

Originally Posted by thinker22

It's not totally counter intuitive that people like us should want to help other f***ed up people. I'd like to work with abused people or animals some day when I am well. Why? Already had it happen to me so I get them, why they can't trust anyone, why they're shy/withdrawn, etc.

It's okay to laugh at my getting fired from a job I hated. I still think it's funny. The interview I was on such that caused me to be late I actually got the job and that was the animal caretaker position, which I loved.

And I have had alcohol abuse problems too. Never missed a day of work on account of it, but have arrived hung over. Bad me. Anyway, I hope you're talking to a professional about your problems w/alcohol. I've cut way back, but I do drink too much sometimes on occasion. Self-sabotage sucks. Don't let your depression get to the point of being suicidal before you call your T or P-doc. This is even if you don't lose your job. Better to check in than to just be worrying and drinking. The meds won't probably ever cure your craving if you're an alcoholic or you have that gene running in your family. I know they don't cure mine. Take care of yourself.

Hey, thanks for this. I know I still have my job it's just my depressive cycle threatening to present itself and so I am conflated between paranoia and confidence. I have talked to my shrink over and over about my alcohol abuse. I know what I need to do, but my f***ed up brain doesn't comprehend that feelings of worthlessness and the desire to block all kinds of pain with alcohol should not drive me to it. I have not confirmed this but I think alcoholism is probably present in my lineage--I know I get like my Dad when I am intoxicated--highly volatile with emotions and very narcissistic. I thank God that I do not get angry--I just blather on, on, on, about my feelings of self-importance et. al. Why I have not gotten a DWI is beyond me but I am working on that. These days I will stay in my car, in the parking lot until such a time that I can drive. Usually I end up sleeping in my car, get cricks in my neck, drive home, shower, then show up at work hung over. I did that 3 times this week. When I know I want to drink I will usually stay home. It is when I have poor impulse control and pop in a pub after work that tend to get in trouble with overdrinking--and then putting myself and others in harms way by driving. I am working on this, though. My relationship just ended and I suck at coping with loss. That's why I am so f****d up right now. I wish I were not this way. I do not think that I am a failure, though. I am ill is all. Jesus, I want to cry. The least I can say about being Bipolar is in spite of it, I have not successfully killed myself because of it, nor do I want to. Van Gogh, Beethoven, Kurt Vonnegut, Hemingway--supposedly they too were Bipolar. They're not exactly losers, now are they? There is hope for me--us-- yet.

[thinker22]

Yep, there are loads of creative, famous people who had bipolar, not the least of which were poets and writers. But also composers and painters as you've mentioned. Most do have dual diagnosis w/drugs and/or alcohol abuse. One T put it this way, "Adding alcohol to the equation does not solve or even cover up your problems. It only adds an extra one that can facilitate even worse problems." But you already know that. Have you been in any rehab programs or in-person support groups? You realize how dangerous DWI is and I'm sure it even scares you at times how much you drink. At least it sounds that way. I've found that I can't drink more than 1 per night after work (when home or out). Why? After 2 I don't even notice what or how much I'm drinking. If it's in front of me, I down it and then something bad happens. Usually a blackout period the next morning. Not worth it! I know I should quit altogether, but I haven't been able to yet. So I'm not the greatest poster child for sobriety either.

[ifiruledtheworld]

I have seen a psychiatrist and a psychologist about Alcohol. They determined that I am not necessarily an alcoholic--but I abuse it. I live in a state where there are mottos posted on the highways that read: DWI, YOU CANNOT AFFORD IT. And so yes, I know the dangers, the consequences, et. al. Do you know how many times I have looked at myself while inebriated and asked myself: why are you doing this? I am proud of myself for not driving home from a pub f***ed as much. I used to do it constantly; not so much now because I am making a conscious effort to think about what I am doing before I do something. I am going out tonight--if I stay at home I will inundate myself with so much alcohol until I pass out. I weigh about 115 pounds and can outdrink a sizable man. Pathetic, I know. I am doing much better than before, though. I used to have those blackouts you're talking about. I cannot imagine what I am doing to my body and my brain when I do stupid things like this. But as, I am sure you know, there are times during my cycles when I just do not give a flying f*** about anything. I am really looking forward to my next therapy session. I need to talk to a professional about coping with loss in a constructive manner. It's funny--I am educated, have a nice apartment, have a nice car, have a great job, have decent friends and family members, are reasonably attractive, and have ambition. So then why are my thought processess and my personal life in the s*** hole? That is my eternal dilemma. Sigh.

[thinker22]

Yeah, when I'm in a manic period, I just get in the car and start driving without any sleep. I'm not even sure where I'm going, it just feels good to be driving and trying to leave everything behind. Wherever you go, there you are, though. Blah. I feel like we've usurped the original posting topic here. So I'll be good and apologize. Sorry! No more drinkie winkie. Try and behave yourself now.

[ifiruledtheworld]

I too am sorry for the usurpation. I am going out dancing and I will behave: no promiscuity, no driving after drinking. Thank goodness for 24 hour diners like Denny's. I can chill before I have to drive home. We are all going to be alright. I am confident.

[Rebound]

Originally Posted by Lauru

I have a history of working for a year or two at the most, and then losing or quitting my job because of a bipolar relapse. Well it has happened again. I am 36 years old, and this crap still hasn't stopped. I don't know what to do anymore. Am I capable of doing any job? I am college educated with a BA and I can't work in my career, just small jobs here and there. The stress always gets to me eventually. Life was going great, and then wham! another depression. I don't know if there is any hope for me. Maybe this is alll I am capable of. Is that enough for me? I don't know. I had such dreams and aspirations, only to see them dashed and never fulfilled. Sometimes, there is only so much a person can take...

Hi. I believe I may have posted something very similar to this a few years ago. It's disheartening to know bp is like a giant hammer, waiting to drop to smash things to pieces just as life starts to go well.

I have good news and bad news. First, the bad news I'm a fair bit older than you and still on the same merry-go-round; it's sickening. It took many years for me to identify why this happened, but even after I finally was diagnosed, it continued to happen and that's very painful.

Now, the good news. I keep bugging my doctor to change up medications until we find a med that will work long-term and now I'm almost at the point where the ups and downs are smoothed out. It's not perfect, I still get overwhelmed from stress occasionally. But it's enough control to hold down my job and fortunately, my employer has a generous attendance policy. I've even managed to get promoted.

What I'm saying is there's still time for you to get to the point where you can manage and you have many years ahead of you to fulfill your aspirations. Depression makes it very hard to see it but you have plenty of life left in you yet, don't give up.

Finally, don't forget to give your self a pat on the back for doing the best that you can. In the end, that's all anyone can really expect, and if you keep doing that, you will succeed.

Take care,

Kerry

[Lauru]

Originally Posted by Rebound

Hi. I believe I may have posted something very similar to this a few years ago. It's disheartening to know bp is like a giant hammer, waiting to drop to smash things to pieces just as life starts to go well.

I have good news and bad news. First, the bad news I'm a fair bit older than you and still on the same merry-go-round; it's sickening. It took many years for me to identify why this happened, but even after I finally was diagnosed, it continued to happen and that's very painful.

Now, the good news. I keep bugging my doctor to change up medications until we find a med that will work long-term and now I'm almost at the point where the ups and downs are smoothed out. It's not perfect, I still get overwhelmed from stress occasionally. But it's enough control to hold down my job and fortunately, my employer has a generous attendance policy. I've even managed to get promoted.

What I'm saying is there's still time for you to get to the point where you can manage and you have many years ahead of you to fulfill your aspirations. Depression makes it very hard to see it but you have plenty of life left in you yet, don't give up.

Finally, don't forget to give your self a pat on the back for doing the best that you can. In the end, that's all anyone can really expect, and if you keep doing that, you will succeed.

Take care,

Kerry

Thanks so much Kerry. It is hard to see things clearly when I am depressed like now. I just hope and pray that I will be able to keep my job and get stable again sooner rather than later.

[smg080474]

Originally Posted by Lauru

I am going back to therapy. I was doing so well that I had "graduated" and my therapist and I terminated therapy. Now I am going back on Tues. I am on tons of meds and have been since I was 18. Currently I am on Lamictal, Lithium, Seroquel XR, Abilify, wellbutrin SR, Zoloft, Cytomel. It's scary I know. But when I went off the seroquel with my PDoc's advice, I relapsed in my symptoms. So now I am going back on it. This sucks

I'm no doctor, but I wonder if your meds might be overkill. Have you checked for drug interactions on all of them? Yes, our docs are supposed to, but I always do too just to be safe. Drugs.com is one of many sites where you can check interactions on multiple meds.
Also, I'm wondering if the combination of any of those could be making you feel worse. I once had a problem with topomax and lamictal. Each med on its own was great, but the combination of the two made me more depressed than I can ever remember.
As for therapy, I've found it helpful to see someone continuously. Touching base with my therapist once a month has helped me deal with stress before I feel overwhelmed. I've been doing this for almost 18 years and it has helped tremendously.
I hope this helps. Good luck!

[thinker22]

I also wonder if your drugs are too much, like smg. I just got Lamictal to start in a couple of days, but my p-nurse wants to see if eventually we can get me off of either Seroquel or Wellbutrin SR, or even both. That way I'd just be on one drug. So, more isn't always better. Maybe you do need Seroquel, but all the others too? I'm not your dr and you know your body better than anyone, but maybe ask next time you see the P-doc if you might not be able to streamline what you're taking.

[NoMoreNola]

i was feeling pretty distraught yesterday about my bi-polar effecting my job at a country club, so I don't even want to know what it feels like to be in your position, having a degree and all that jazz and still unable to balance the two. Of course, there is no balance in the world of bipolar, so what can we expect? I become more manic than the latter and that's what gets in the way with me, just more often because I have rapid cycling. Everytime I hit a manic episode my bosses think I'm on drugs or something of the sort and it sucks because for once in my life, I'm not self-medicating. I wish I had some grand advice to give you or had something uplifting and wonderful to say that would make you feel better, but i don't. I think that dealing with our bipolar in the work place is just something we are always going to have to struggle with along with the rest of the bipolar folks in the world. Good luck on finding another job and I hope things will look up for you quickly.

Originally Posted by Lauru

I have a history of working for a year or two at the most, and then losing or quitting my job because of a bipolar relapse. Well it has happened again. I am 36 years old, and this crap still hasn't stopped. I don't know what to do anymore. Am I capable of doing any job? I am college educated with a BA and I can't work in my career, just small jobs here and there. The stress always gets to me eventually. Life was going great, and then wham! another depression. I don't know if there is any hope for me. Maybe this is alll I am capable of. Is that enough for me? I don't know. I had such dreams and aspirations, only to see them dashed and never fulfilled. Sometimes, there is only so much a person can take...