[1963.Susan]

i don't want to live anymore - yet again. i want to be dead. i want somebody to drop an airplane on me. i want to leave my church & abandon all my friends because i'm tired of putting them through this.

i hate this disease. i hate the CONTINUED and FREQUENT instability - up & down, up & down, without let up. i was in a depression for what felt like a long time, and then i had a hypomanic episode & felt great. it felt wonderful! a little scary, but good. & now i'm back to this crap again.

i hate me. i hate this disease. i hate life. i can't do this anymore. i don't want to do this anymore. the next step is "i WON'T do this anymore." i don't have a plan, i don't have a method, i don't have a time or a location. i just want to die.

nothing you can do, thanks for listening.

Stupid
Ugly
Senseless
And
Neverending
(susan)

[BNLsMOM]

It's just the disease. I know that doesn't minimize the experience, nor would I want to. I just want you to know that I understand.

[perpetuallysad]

Ugh, I'm at the same place you are right now. My wish is more of to disappear sort of thing. I feel terrible the **** I do to my family. I have no clue how to live through this either. Nothing to say except I get where you are coming from. arg. I'm so jealous of those people who have good med combos that just work great for them.

[gravyyy]

Sorry you're feeling so lousy. While I obviousy can't say 'I know how you feel' (and I wouldn't trivialize your experience by saying that), I have felt multiple times in the past when I was extremely depressed like I wanted to die, though I had a plan and the means and all that. I was hospitalized one time last year because I was totally distraught and miserable. I understand the feeling of being so down, and so in pain that it's unbearable. You almost feel like a deer in the headlights, almost panicked. All I can say to you at this point is to hang in there. You absolutely won't always feel like you feel today. It's hard to believe, and I get that, but it's true. You may always have ups and downs, but if you are able to stick with it and find a winning combo of meds the cycling will be much less frequent and much less severe. I truly mean it when I say I'm sorry you're going through this low. It's so hard and so discouraging, but please hang in there. You're worth it!! My motto.. "Give it one more day." Please keep us posted. Feel free to PM me if you need.

[1963.Susan]

well today i'm feeling more focused - unfortunately on suicidal methods. hanging seems to be a favorite, but i'm not great with knots. the internet, i'm sure, would be happy to provide details on effective knot-tying.
pdoc is not in today, have no T at present - may call crisis worker.

[BNLsMOM]

Please call your crisis worker and if you can't reach him/her, please call 911.

You deserve to be feeling better.

You may not see it now, but you are valued and loved. PM me if you need to.

Call you doctor right away. If you can't get hold of him/her. Go to the emergency room. It's time to get some help. Let us know how you are doing.

[gravyyy]

I agree with the others. If you haven't already, it's getting time to be calling your crisis worker. There are so many safe places for you to be so that you don't have to suffer from both the suicidal thoughts and the despair that goes along with them. Let someone else worry about your safety at this point and you can just work on you. Take good care and like farmer said, please keep us posted.

[1963.Susan]

well, here it is lunchtime, and i'm actually feeling quite a bit better. i have absolutely no idea why, but..... i guess beggars can't be choosers, right?
part of it, i think, is that i'm @ work & haven't had the opportunity to dwell on it. so that's a clue on dealing with it in the future. i don't know if it will come flooding back later when i do have time to think about it.
i didn't end up calling anybody, but i do thank you all very much for your kind thoughts and ideas. i probably should have called somebody yesterday but i didn't want to because i didn't want to land in the hospital again (2x in a month!).
thanks again

[BNLsMOM]

Please make sure you are safe. Promise?

[1963.Susan]

(((BNLsMom)))
i'm sorry, i can't promise.
right this minute i don't want to be dead, but i don't want to be alive, either. i feel kinda in limbo.

[BNLsMOM]

Thanks for your honesty.

Limbo is a scary place to be. It's time to call someone and get some help to tilt toward the wanting to live side of things.

It's time to get some solid help before you are back on the side you were earlier.

Being in the hospital twice in one month isn't the end of the world. Been there; done that. Just do what you need to stay safe.

[gravyyy]

Feeling like you feel right now... being in "limbo" not wanting to be alive but not wanting to kill yourself isn't grounds for admission to the hospital. It's a sign that things are in a bad place but it's a place where your treatment team may feel comfortable treating you as an outpatient with close follow-up. Please consider it. If not, stay safe and hang in there! I'll be thinking of you.

[1963.Susan]

ok, i took all your advice & called the crisis line. the gentleman i spoke with wasn't really of too much help, although he did mention i could take myself (or have someone take me) to the hospital with the psych unit's emergency room to be evaluated if i wanted to.
i didn't realize that. i thought your pdoc had to send you (that's how i've always ended up there before except for 2 attempts). i doubt i would go, though, because i would be so embarrassed if they sent me home as not being critical enough. but it's an option.
thanks for all your help again
((((((((((((everybody)))))))))))

[BNLsMOM]

Originally Posted by 1963.Susan

ok, i took all your advice & called the crisis line. the gentleman i spoke with wasn't really of too much help, although he did mention i could take myself (or have someone take me) to the hospital with the psych unit's emergency room to be evaluated if i wanted to.
i didn't realize that. i thought your pdoc had to send you (that's how i've always ended up there before except for 2 attempts). i doubt i would go, though, because i would be so embarrassed if they sent me home as not being critical enough. but it's an option.
thanks for all your help again
((((((((((((everybody)))))))))))

Actually, being sent home for not being too critical would be a good thing, yes?

If you go and they want to send you home, see if they can get you set up with some outpatient care.

If you go and you have to stay, remember you are doing the best thing for yourself. I went IP, partial and IP again all in a row over the summer.

If they want to send you home but you feel you want to stay, advocate for yourself and tell them that you want to stay, that you won't feel safe on your own.

Let us know how you are doing, OK?

[1963.Susan]

ok, i think i'm feeling better. no plans at the moment. feeling a little more "chipper".
maybe it's passing - i hope so.

thanks for all your help, i appreciate it greatly.

Glad to hear you seem to have made it over that hump.

[gravyyy]

...... okay maybe not there yet but let's think big!!! Sending you lots of positive thought to continue feeling better. Let me know when you're ready for the party and I'll bring the chips and dip!!!!!!

[lonegael]

Kind of late onto this thread, but (((((Susan))))). Hope you've turned the corner there. can you imagine planning out a course of action for the next time this comes up, if it does? I was kind of getting worried there!

[1963.Susan]

lonegael -

yes, you're right. i've got my bases covered with family, and with a coworker who knows to either call mental health or make me call if i get too funky, but i didn't have anything set up with my weekend/off hours contacts. sigh. so i'm giving several of them an index card of how to reach the off-hours crisis worker so they can get direction if they feel it's necessary. this one peaked on sunday morning & the people i was with didn't know what to do. naturally i told them i didn't need to call the doctor (who wouldn't have been available anyway) & that i didn't need to go to the hospital (in hindsight i probably did, at least to be evaluated).

i hate having to make other people responsible for me when i cannot be responsible for myself. it's not fair to them - it's a burden i loathe to put on them. i hate it so much that it makes me not share with people how bad things really are. it also makes me feel even more suicidal when i am that way because i don't want to dump it on them. i feel terrible for my parents, in their early 70's, who certainly didn't sign up to have to deal with a 46-year-old bipolar daughter. & what am i going to do when they are gone (or can't handle it anymore) & i am all alone?

any thoughts or suggestions?
sigh again.

[Navygrrl]

I wish I had some wisdom or advice for you. I know that I live near a psych ER, and you don't have to be sent there, you can just go there yourself. I think most of them should be that way. I've had times where I should have gone, but I didn't want to be hospitalized (which probably wouldn't have happened) and I didn't want to go there and be told there was nothing wrong with me. From what I've read, if you feel like you should go, you should go.

I hope you've made some progress. Real friends won't be scared off when you reveal how things really are.