[BNLsMOM]

that someone from the ether, spirits, or guides or gods or whatever, are watching you and waiting to see if you are worthy of knowledge that they need to impart?

Ever get the feeling that you have been chosen for something, some sort of healing or leadership position on Earth?

Or is it just me?

[1963.Susan]

((((((((((((((BNLsMom))))))))))))))))
that's a very interesting idea, but it makes me worried for you. i think you're flying a little too high right now & you might call your pdoc & tell him/her what you are thinking about.
please call your pdoc.

[BNLsMOM]

Thanks for the concern. I talked to my T today about some of this. He knows when to intervene. I see him twice each week and will see my p-doc on Dec. 21. I am under good watch.

I just feel like I have to wait quietly for the whatever it is...

I had some people talking in my ear a few weeks ago and I feel like they are waiting until I am worthy of hearing them again. I couldn't get quite what they said, so I am waiting for them to speak again. I think they are the ones who are in the ether...

[1963.Susan]

i am so glad you are keeping in good contact with your T & pdoc. it made me feel better to hear that.
waiting quietly shows a lot of patience on your part! you are much more patient that i am!

[SpottedOwl]

Why do you frame it as 'being worthy'?
Have there been times in your life where you felt like you weren't worthy?

Maybe instead of waiting for you to be 'worthy', they are waiting for you to be ready. Maybe you are already worthy just by being YOU, and the information will come when you need it most.

Much like watching a young child learn to navigate the world. They may not be ready to run, if they have just taken their first step, but that does not mean they are not worthy of running...they just aren't ready yet.

[BNLsMOM]

Originally Posted by SpottedOwl

Why do you frame it as 'being worthy'?
Have there been times in your life where you felt like you weren't worthy?

Maybe instead of waiting for you to be 'worthy', they are waiting for you to be ready. Maybe you are already worthy just by being YOU, and the information will come when you need it most.

Much like watching a young child learn to navigate the world. They may not be ready to run, if they have just taken their first step, but that does not mean they are not worthy of running...they just aren't ready yet.

Yes, that could be it... There have been times in my life when I thought I wasn't worthy of or even worth much. Those days are over. I choose them to be over.

Now I am awaiting the message. I feel like I need to unblock myself.

[BNLsMOM]

Check this out... perhaps this is why I am feeling my energy shift this week...

http://www.popsci.com/science/articl...nomers-puzzled

Messages or weird phenomena?

[BNLsMOM]

I had to fill my pill box and everything I take has a sticker on it that reads, "May cause drowsiness." So, I am guessing my body is too tired to connect.

I tried to connect to the voices last night and the closest I got was an uninteligable whisper in my ear. It sounded like "sh." It did it three times. I guess that means that I need to quiet my mind. Unfortunately, thanks to Seroquel and Lamictal, I fell asleep before I heard anything else.

I am feeling kind of subdued and disappointed today. I'll try again to connect while the little one naps.

You really do seem to be a bit manic. Does you pdoc know about what's going on?

[BNLsMOM]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

You really do seem to be a bit manic. Does you pdoc know about what's going on?

My T knows all about it. I share my journal entries with him. My p-doc is new to me so I haven't gone into detail with her. I don't know how she will react.

[BNLsMOM]

I am not out doing dangerous things. I am not running around naked or anything... I am still taking care of the kids, etc.

I don't know what I am trying to say... other than I don't appear manic.

I am spending lots of time being quiet and meditating. I don't know, right now I fell like I might cry.

Maybe I should have remained quiet and not shared all this. Maybe I have ruined it by saying too much...

[MickG]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

I am not out doing dangerous things. I am not running around naked or anything... I am still taking care of the kids, etc.

I don't know what I am trying to say... other than I don't appear manic.

I am spending lots of time being quiet and meditating. I don't know, right now I fell like I might cry.

Maybe I should have remained quiet and not shared all this. Maybe I have ruined it by saying too much...

When we are labeled with a mental illness it sometimes seems as though we are held to a different standard. There are people running around everyday claiming to be healers and psychics and no one holds their face to the mirror like they do ours. Perhaps someday someone will but until that time it is just a fact of life and you are entitled to be just as spiritual as the next person.

Someone once shared with me a bit of advice that went something like learn from everyone, follow no one. Instead of sharing all of your thoughts only with the mental health professionals might I suggest you have a chat with someone who can speak with you in regards to deeper spiritual matters as well. Priests are very interesting people as well as a good rabbi can be a tremendous assistance. I do believe there are shaman in this world but I don’t know those marketing themselves as such qualify so be a bit careful.

I wish you the best.

Oh, don't feel like you can't express your thoughts. It's the grandiosity and voices that I was concerned about. That could be a warning sign. That's all. I'm just a bit concerned. I'm sorry if I upset you.

[BNLsMOM]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

Oh, don't feel like you can't express your thoughts. It's the grandiosity and voices that I was concerned about. That could be a warning sign. That's all. I'm just a bit concerned. I'm sorry if I upset you.

No, it's OK. I am just feeling nervous about the whole thing.

[SpottedOwl]

(((BNLsMOM)))

First, a huge hug to you. You are being so brave, sharing your thoughts and your experiences. You are being courageous by deciding you want to change your life, and taking steps to do so. You are being responsible by reaching out to your support system and sharing with them. And, from the sounds of things you are a loving and caring mother.

I was terrified to meditate for years, in part because of the stigma of mental illness. It *can* sound crazy, or manic, or depressed, or resistant, etc. when you are starting to explore the spiritual part of your life. That does not mean that what you're doing is 'wrong' in any way. I spent hours with my own T talking about how afraid I was of people thinking I was crazy. I had a lot of fear to face, and I also had to learn to trust my own instincts about what I needed.

From what you described, I think you *did* get the message you needed at that time..'Shhh'....go to sleep. Rest. And you did go to sleep.
Instead of thinking that you need to try harder next time, celebrate the success you just had.

If you are feeling down on yourself, or feeling disconnected, pause and spend a few moments thinking about a time in your life when you were happy. It can be something very simple, like enjoying the peacefulness of a morning or how your child hugged you when you came home. Spend as long as you can thinking about those moments of happiness. Remember the details of them...and just let yourself re-experience that happy feeling. That feeling of happiness, is YOU, the core of who you are.

The thing about spiritual development is that it does not have to be hard. It can be a joyful and beautiful thing.

May you find the beauty within yourself.

[Navygrrl]

I've felt like that many a time.

Anyway, I'd have a coherant point, but I'm still in a trazodone fog, so I'll just say please keep posting, because it's helpful to people like me who are just discovering the impact that mental illness has had on our lives.

[lonegael]

(((((((BNLsMOM)))))))) Dear, I don't think there is any problem with your being worthy. You're worthy enough for me to talk to you, as well as the others here

Now for not so fun: Hon, you are getting pretty up there, and the "shhhhh" you heard might be yourself trying to calm you down. No insult intended. Been there myself. I could get the best thoughts and ideas... I'm just a bit concerned. I know you are a little leery of your p-doc, but maybe you can discuss your concerns about her with your therapist. I know you are very confident of your therapist and his ability to clue you in, but in a way, two people helping you out is going to be better than one. Huggs, dear, and hand one to your hubby and son too.

[BNLsMOM]

I think I realize what was going on now. I can't help but feel a little disoriented. I re-read what I wrote above and in some other posts and it is awfully lofty.

I feel like it was a different person writing, but at the same time I know it was me and I feel a little embarrassed. At the same time, I can't help but wonder if what I felt was true.

Maybe I rushed toward it too quickly, or told too many people about it or tried too hard to be aware.

Now I'm just confused.

[spiritual_emergency]

When I went through my own "experience" there were portions of it that were certainly way out there. In my case, I wrote as much of it down as I could and later, in the "coming back to earth" stage, I read it over and over again as a means of understanding what it was all about.

My essential point would be, don't be too concerned if some of your experiences seem a bit odd -- that's just the way they can be. Meantime, don't forget either that it's necessary to be able to function well on this level of reality too. We still need to eat, to care for our loved ones, to care for ourselves, etc. I've found it's best to try to keep at least one foot still grounded even as I've continued to make my own explorations.

~ Namaste

[BNLsMOM]

I feel so weird today.

Rather paranoid, but in a really bizarre way. It is very windy and cold here today and I keep having the thought that I screwed something up and the wind is anger directed at me.

Here's a stange thing. I believe that, but I don't.

[lonegael]

[/QUOTE]Now I'm just confusedI think I realize what was going on now. I can't help but feel a little disoriented. I re-read what I wrote above and in some other posts and it is awfully lofty.

I feel like it was a different person writing, but at the same time I know it was me and I feel a little embarrassed. At the same time, I can't help but wonder if what I felt was true.

Maybe I rushed toward it too quickly, or told too many people about it or tried too hard to be aware.

Now I'm just confused[QUOTE]

No, no, shoot, I wasn't meaning to cut you cold, hon, it was a little of the same stuff that started worying me that you noticed. It's good that you do come out and talk about it. I mean, on this forum I think most of us have been there (((((BNLsMOM)))))), So please believe me, there was no conscious effort to judge you at all. Besides, they are fun ideas to bunt around...
I've not tried the naked thing myself. Hmmmm. It would be a bit wasted here, there is no one around. Huggs, and I'm sorry if I made you feel bad, hon. Just a wee bit worried.

[BNLsMOM]

You didn't make me feel bad. I am just confused about the things I was thinking. I feel really weird today like it wasn't me, but it was.

I am actually feeling a lot of inner turmoil today. It has nothing to do with what anyone has written here.

I am trying to figure out if what I was thinking was true or part of an episode.

[MickG]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

I feel really weird today like it wasn't me, but it was.

That’s an interesting thing about these experiences. It is as if we are channelling something. We start off as the artist but as we become more consumed by it we become the medium and wonder who is actually painting the picture.

You can always set these things aside and come back to your writings later. Let your mind move to other things as it needs to. Sometimes we just need a breath.

Be well.

[BNLsMOM]

I am feeling very panicky now. It's as if every nerve ending is raw. I feel like crying. I hardly ever want to cry. Even in my deepest depressions, I don't get the urge to cry.

[SpottedOwl]

(((BNLsMOM)))

It sounds like you're tired, and maybe now is a time to rest, be comforted, and maybe find a funny movie to watch.

On a physical level, your brain has been working hard, and that means you have a build-up of different hormones in your body. Water can be very helpful to help balance that out. Drink extra fluids, and/or take a nice bath. (I've found baths to be really helpful for me when I'm feeling emotional.)

On an emotional level, it is possible that all the internal work you've been doing has now allowed you to feel things more deeply. This is a very positive step, but it can feel overwhelming if we don't expect it. Remind yourself that if you can feel the sadness stronger, that also means you can embrace the joys of life even more.

Most importantly, be kind to yourself. You are still the same beautiful, special person you were yesterday. Finding balance in life is not limited to a single day -- sometimes what we do one day/week then needs to be balanced out the next. I often think of the ocean waves...the tide moves in, and then gently back out again. It is a balanced cycle, yet it is always changing.

Many warm and supportive thoughts for you.