Fragile

and confused. The crash came and I wasn't even sure that I was high.

I am taking it easy today and resting. Talked to T and he knows everything that happened this week.

I am safe on my way down. Mixed today and hoping to avoid the bottom.

Almost gave up on meds because I decided that they were poisoning me and would cause some kind of brain damage. I made a promise to my T that I will take every dose as prescribed.

I am going to be working on that for a while.

Thanks to all who posted on my other threads and to all who read them.

Take super good care of yourself, hon. Way to go staying on the meds and keeping your T informed. Good checking the symptoms!!!! Hugggs, and let us know how it goes, OK?

I hope you have a very easy and restful day. Good for you for knowing you needed to talk with T, and I hope you can avoid the bottom!

Mom~

Your 4 young children need You.... forever! I need my Mom I'm, urmm 55!!
Bipolar medications are very safe & extremely effective.
If you have any doubts Mom what the meds do to the body, side effects, etc, plz contact me & we will go over anything you would like.

Warmest Blessings,
Holmes

Just two kids, but some days it feels like 4.

So I tried to express my med fears to my husband so that I could get his support. Do you know what he said to me?

Wait for it.....

"If you go off your meds, I am out the door."

Great support system. Jerk.

I expected maybe, "Don't do that. I know it's hard. Do you want me to give your doses each day?" or "Promise me you'll take your meds. Let's put it in writing."

So apparently, I can't go to him when I am in trouble because he'll leave me.

I see that bottom rising toward me really fast now.

I'm sorry your husband doesn't get it. Yes us bipos have to take our meds...but emotional manipulation is not the way to get us to do it.

He may be frustrated with the situation, but he needs to learn how to communicate his side of things more productively.

You are doing the right things by communicating with your T. Keep going, just hold on and keep going.

Wow, I have this overwhelming urge to kick your husband.

You can come to us, and we will help you. I know it's not the same as having your husband as support, but hopefully it will do you a little good. My husband doesn't think I'm really sick. He just wants me to do whatever will make me happy, but he doesn't want to go to support groups with me or anything like that. It's very frustrating.

i'm not going to tell you what my now-ex-husband did with me & mental illness, because it's too depressing in this setting.
just keep trying, mom, & hang in there. i was afraid you were going to crash, but i hope it's a gentle crash & not too hard or long.
((((((((((((((((((BNLsMom)))))))))))))))))))
keep talking to us & keep taking your meds. i'm glad your T is listening.

Trigger below





I have major issues with my husband's statement because we have worked really hard in the last year to come back from the verge of divorce. In that year, we found out about my diagnosis and have gone into therapy together. I blame a lot on myself because I had an illness and never knew it. I could have gone for help earlier and maybe we wouldn't have been on the brink.

He said recently that if we got divorced that he would fight for custody of the kids because of my illness.

If I had cancer and went off my chemo, he would stay until the end because it's the "right" thing to do. In the case of mental illness, he would leave me and take my kids because of the stigma. And everyone in our life would say he did the "right" thing.

Also, I tend to rebel against threats and come up with my own threats. I didn't vocalize these, but I thought last night of putting on several layers of clothing so that I would be warm enough, and just leaving.

I also had the thought, "You want me to take my meds so bad, I'll take them all, right here, right now." I would have poured pills into my mouth straight from the bottle and spit them in his face, just to scare the he** out of him. I didn't do or say either of these, but I really wanted to. Instead, I have been silent to him since last night.

It sounds a bit as if you want him to support medication as opposed to understanding your concerns with it. Is this the case?

I think I want both. I was trying to express how I currently feel about meds, and that I want support to take them until I get through this episode. I didn't want more fear and blackmail.

It makes me feel like if I make a mistake in any other way that he will leave me. I don't work right now, I don't get SSDI (in the application process) and I would have nowhere to go if he left. I would lose the house and the kids and quite frankly, any reason to continue to exist. What if I plain old forget to take meds? What if I break a dish? What if I scratch a wood floor? What if I get angry and throw something? What if one of the kids falls down and gets hurt because I was feeling sick and couldn't watch when they were playing? What if I am not perfect?

He'll leave? How is that supportive?

I am not angry at you, Mick. It might sound like it from this post.... I am just way triggered by my husband right now......

You have a right to be angry. What he said was quite harsh and no one likes threats. You have every reason to be defensive. Please be careful though. Stressors have a way of making us fall deeper into illness. Take care of yourself.

This may be his way of dealing with his frustration and he possibly would not want a situation where he takes the kids from you or walks out on you. He may have been lashing out because he just doesn’t know how to be the support you need. That doesn’t excuse his remark but I have had one or two family members say some less than supportive things to me when faced with their own frustrations in regards to dealing with me.

I wish you the very best.

Not that anyone needs a play by play, but now my husband is angry with me because I am hurt by his comment.

[quote=BNLsMOM;1225506]and confused. The crash came and I wasn't even sure that I was high.

I am taking it easy today and resting. Talked to T and he knows everything that happened this week.

I am safe on my way down. Mixed today and hoping to avoid the bottom.

Almost gave up on meds because I decided that they were poisoning me and would cause some kind of brain damage. I made a promise to my T that I will take every dose as prescribed.

I am going to be working on that for a while.

Thanks to all who posted on my other threads and to all who read them.
I just wanted to send you a cyberhug and this song. It helps me sometime when im down

Wow, I am really sorry your husband's being so unsupportive (that's the nicest thing I could think of). I'm not sure what to tell you other than we are here to listen. I hate feeling dependent on anyone and I am completely dependent on my husband. I know you must be feeling scared.

I have to say I have been kind of worried about you from the things you've been talking about lately. I hope you tell your t everything you've been thinking about. When do you see him again? And why don't you make a promise to us that you will take your meds? I know we aren't there to physically watch you, but maybe knowing that there are some people concerned enough to care if you take them will help you to be more compliant. (I know taking meds is really hard, this is a huge, huge struggle I go through constantly.)

I just want to send you a cyberhug and the link to a favorite song.

(((BNLsMOM)))

I pulled a quote from a previous thread...
It sounds like the interaction with your husband is triggering issues of self-worth. He says he is out the door if you don't take your meds -- which is an unspoken, but direct judgement about your worth.

I know your wrote the words above when you were feeling better, but remember that they came from YOU. They came from that beautiful soul inside who is still there.

You *are* valuable. The ideas you shared here on this board are all good ideas, and IMHO you did some really great work by being so open and willing to explore how you were feeling. I'm sorry your H is not being supportive, but you don't have to take on his negativity. His negativity is his problem, and not something I would even attempt to engage right now.

Be gentle with yourself, BNLsMOM.
Much positive and supportive energy for you!

I hate the idea of depending on someone who will pull the rug out from under me if I don't do everything his way. I need to find a way to be independent if the worst should happen. I need a plan B so that I can fight for my kids, etc. should I need to.

I will take my meds. I only took them late yesterday, but I have never actually missed a dose. There must be something deep inside me that still knows I need them. I just feel like I am less stable on them than off. Maybe I am just aware of my moods now as opposed to before diagnosis.

I'll tell you one thing. I am definitely not stable.

I'll see my T again on Wednesday, but he said I can call him 24/7 if I need to.

Hello BNLsMom,
Your post has me recalling a period in the aftermath of my own experience wherein I basically sat in a room in my home for about a year... or more. My family, and especially my husband, did not deal well with that part. Part of the difficulty was that up until then, I'd pretty much had my **** together and one day, it all fell apart. In the process, whatever responsibilities I had been tending were shifted onto my husband's lap, which was already fairly full. In return, he felt incapable, he felt angry, he felt frustrated, he looked to me for help and when none could be found from those quarters, he felt abandoned and alone in his marriage. At that point he became judgmental, retaliatory, unsupportive and withdrew into his own world.

I can see all this more clearly now although I certainly couldn't see as clearly then. The word "divorce" got tossed around more than a few times in those years and then something happened that changed us both -- our child became ill and we were each thrust into a position of mutual empathy. I suddenly better understood the role of the caregiver and he suddenly better understood that my own experience had been real, not just some made-up excuse that allowed me to sit there for a year with a dumbfounded expression on my face.

We've faced some enormous stressors since then and the word "divorce" hasn't come up. We know we need each other and we know our child needs us both. Ironically, we're mending in an environment of breakdown.

Meantime, something I've learned is that just as our intimates can overlook how these kind of experiences can impact us, we can fail to see how they impact those who are closest to us. In a marriage, both parties can be thrown into crisis; they look to the other to bail them out, and then become harsh and judgmental when the other lacks the capacity to do so. The problem is, the relationship is so close you can't help but be affected by the actions of one another.

If you're looking for commiseration and understanding, I suggest you look to your peers -- no one can understand quite like the person who has been there and they can afford to be a little more impartial because, let's face it, they're somewhat removed from the day-to-day reality of the situation. Meantime, if you can, from time to time, put your arms around your husband. He may well be feeling every bit as lost as you and also feeling lonely and abandoned in that feeling. Who else might be able to understand that better than you?

Blns Mom, Giving You The Biggest Hug in the world!

How are you doing today?

Not too great. I found swollen lymph nodes in my groin on one side, so I have some sort of infection going on. I am totally wiped out from the past couple of weeks.

We still haven't resolved anything between us. I am just too tired to deal with it.

i'm sorry, i can't post anymore on this thread as it is too triggering for me, but i wanted to give you some lingering hugs & love before i drifted off...........