I called my pdoc

And now my heart is beating so hard I feel like I'm going to explode, I'm going into a full blown panic attack and he's out of the office until tonight (he's going to call me from when he gets home).

I was so scared to call and now I am sick for actually calling him. I feel like he's going to be disgusted with me and pissed that I cannot seem to handle any medicine he puts me on.

I have reactions to almost anything I take. I am very med sensitive. It's your p-doc's job to listen to your concerns and find the med that is right for you.

God, I feel like such a failure. This will be like the 7th med change in about 7 months. Why can't I find these magic combos that everyone else seems to find?

Why am I so weird, I am so tired of being weird.

hi, i think we all for some odd reason worry about what our dr.s think abou us, but believe me, my dr. tried 12 different anti-depressants sometimes afew were combine-and i did ask if it seemed i was being difficult and he responded that thats how some of us are,our bodies dont respond to meds. the way others may, and thats WHAT you pay them for, its their job, so i am hoping dr. doesnt give you an attitude about some presc. not working, so dont worry and take care let us know if you are able to work with dr. and get adjustments made, okay?

Thanks, you all are right. My pdoc is also my t and he's a really nice man. I can hear him in my head (that's not a sign I'm crazy, is it?) telling me that its ok to call him when I need to. But for some reason it still scares me to death. I am so anxious right now my head is still pounding and I'm all a flutter worrying about his call. I'm also nervous because this is the first time I am going to straight up ask him to put me on a particular drug (topamax).

I will get back on after he calls and update everyone. Thanks for your wonderful care and concern, it helps me to feel much better.

It takes time to find the "right" combination of medications. For the past year I've been "re-trying" the list of medications again....as follows:
Geodon - got tics the first time, but it will bring you out of the deeeeeeeeepest depression, and I was desperate to feel better, second time around I went to the hospital 3 nights in a row having seizures.
Wellbutrin- had a headache for a month
Effexor- I think this was the 3rd time for this one, but that's b/c I went effexor to pristique back to effexor after insurance wouldn't pay for pristique
Prozac- this time it actually works.

It's all trial and error, like prozac alone does nothing, but prozac with effexor, seroquel, dexedrine, and klonopin works pretty well. It's only taken 7 years to find the right combination.

Also, I have a hard time calling my doctor as well. I always feel like she's going to be disappointed with me in some way. *and make me go back to the hospital and stop working because my job is too stressful*

Frankly I'm in a place where I wish I could go to the hospital until I can get settled, but I don't have the option. I have no insurance and there isn't psych hospital nearby me at all.

My pdoc didn't call me. I am very hurt by this but I am trying to be understanding and not let this take me over the edge. God, I'm having such a bad day today.

I am pretty sure the ER can't turn you away even without insurance. Maybe you could go in and just stay a few hours, maybe a day or two in the psych ward until you feel a little better? I am sure it is expensive, but I think you can set up payment plans.

I wish I could go to the hospital. I've tried before. They don't have a psych ward and they just treated me like I had leprosy or something. It wasn't a pleasant experience at all. I am extremely distressed my pdoc didn't return my call. Knowing myself, I won't be able to call him back and now if he does call I'll be flustered and not say what I wanted to say in the first place.

Man, this has been a hard day.

I love the sayign it is so hard to explain my brain!

PS, have you tried writing down what you want to say and rehearsing it before you call? I'm so sorry that you are having suh a rough time of it, and I wish I could just hop over and give you a hug (not to make you even more anxiouslol). I'm sure therer was something that came up with your pdoc. Hang in there. HUGGGS

I know you are right, I'm sure something happened. He wasn't in his office yesterday, so maybe he just didn't get into the office last night at all. I cannot expect him to work constantly.

I am going to write something out now, that way I can try to stick with it. I usually end up feeling so badly for taking up his time that I just rush through the call and barely remember what was said when its over. Plus, I have the whole phone anxiety thing, which doesn't help at all.

(On top of all this, I have a broken tooth and it hurts so bad but I am scared to death of going to the dentist...I am trying very hard to get the nerve up to call him today. Ug, why do I have to be so fricken weird?)

So I got a call back from my pdoc's receptionist and she told me he said for me to take my dosage from 3x daily to 2x daily. Wow, I feel so much compassion and caring from him. I'm incredibly disappointed by this. Apparently my concerns didn't even register high enough to warrant a call from him personally.

I've seen the same pdoc for most of 20 years. He has been my partner in this journey of depression. I went to someone else for awhile when he was on sabatical and it just wasn't the same. If I need to call him, I call him. He calls me back or has me come in. We've been through multiple meds together and I trust his expertise in creating combinations that may work. I've been a tough nut to crack but I still have hope that this depression will be cured someday, I just hope my pdoc doesn't retire before we can see the results together.