Messed Up Again

I feel like I'm sinking and falling back into that deep black pit with no light. I ended up spending money that I don't have yet - well, took it from savings, to buy a replacement sony reader as my old one is going to crap on me. My husband told me to order it, I did, then he went off on me big time in front of my best friend who is also my son's girlfriend... I felt like I was an inch tall. I told him I canceled the order and he got mad and told me to reorder it right now! Well, it was too late to cancel and he said good. Just keep it.... Why did he do that to me??? He makes me feel so useless, worthless, and selflish and stupid!! Right now I just don't want to be - I want so bad to not wake up tomorrow.... Plus there are money issues that always fall on my shoulders. I can't work be cause of my disability - I can't even leave my house, I have about one friend and see no one and talk to no one but my husband, son, and his girlfriend (about once every two weeks), other wise I'm friendless and homebound. I'm so darn lonely.... But I'm afraid of people - they always stab me in the back. Everyone said I'm too nice, I need to grow a spine.... Why should I be crule or mean to people? I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I'm too nice, I'm withdrawn, I have all the finances on my shoulders, and get belittled when the mood strikes him. I don't want to live any more....but I won't do anything stupid. Stress is not what I needed now. For once I was feeling up and happy - and I just got slapped back down to depressed again.

Sorry for going on and on... I just don't know what to do. I even took an extra med to help me sleep - I don't want to feel right now. Thanks for listening to an old lady ramble... I just don't understand why he did that to me... Because of me we get a huge tax refund - I worked on it for hours and get knocked on my *** as a thank you. Oh well, tomorrow's another day.

Ive always thought when people try to bring you down its because of their own insecurities and issues. It usually has not to do with you. I know its hard but try not to let them get you down. Try to get some rest...like you said tomorows another day. Hopefully a better day. Hope you feel better soon.

Thank you daisychic, for your message. I really appreciate it! back at ya!

((((((((((((((((((((((((bashfull)))))))))))))))))))"

I am sorry about where you are right now. No one should treat another like that. Sounds like someone was having a really bad day and wanted to share the joy. Does he often treat you with such cruelty? Have you been able to discuss it with him at a later, calmer time? If you don't feel you can talk about it face to face without getting into a fight or crying (I hate that!) maybe next time you could try writing down what you really want him to hear, being specific about what is bothering you. Though you feel like it right now, you are not worthless or stupid! You have to believe that before anyone else can. Hey, maybe you should try writng down 5 things you like about yourself. Or go for 10! Or maybe just 1 every morning before you start your day. Be good to yourself, buddy. I hope things get better where you are soon. And you can vent here anytime. We will listen.

I have some of the same issues with my husband. He's an alcoholic, so he says really hurtful things that send me spiraling down into a black hole of despair while he's snoring it off on the couch. He wakes up the next day and doesn't even remember it. So here I am, feeling stupid because I'm hurt and he's oblivious and going about his business as if nothing is wrong.

One thing I had to learn how to do was just do the best I could by myself, because in the end, that's all you can do is take care of yourself. I got myself into a position where I could leave him if I could. Once I was empowered in that way, and he knew it, it changed the dynamic in our relationship. He no longer felt that I was dependent on him - I had my own life, my own goals, and my own sustainable income. He's not a bad person, but he needed to understand that I could stand on my own if I had to.

Another thing that really helped me was to volunteer to help the needy - I do Habitat for Humanity. It puts me outside of myself and my own problems and gives my energies a focus rather than on the negative. I am working on giving someone a meaningful gift, and that tends to give me perspective.

I don't know if this helps. I can identify with your feelings, and I hope things get better for you. I am always at my lowest at night, and by the morning, am always glad I held on for one more day. It's a little like conquering addiction - you just have to go on one day at a time. Looking into the future when you are depressed can sometimes seem really bleak.

It sounds like he has his own issues to deal with. As far a "growing a spine", or being assertive, you don't have to be cruel, you just create boundaries and learn to say no. I have a friend who can't say no and she is constantly taken advantage of by one "friend". She has just gotten to the point where she can accept gifts from me without trying to pay for them. Building friendships can really help. You can start right here!

Boundaries...exactly! I have a really hard time with that too, but I recently read a really good book called "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. It talks a lot about not letting other people walk all over you, but not being cruel about it either. Just not letting people affect you. (it takes a lot of work! I'm no where there yet)

Hope ya start to feel better (((((hugs)))))

Thank you for the in info on the book "Boundries" - I love to go to Borders and will look for the book! Thank you all for your support. I just told my husband yesterday, nicely, that he really embarrassed me in front of Rose and our son. He appologized for not thinking before he opened his mouth and spouted off. He was very sincere in his appology and look embarrassed himself. Finally haveing the courage to tell him how he made me feel lifted a weight off of my shoulders! I felt a little better but bad that he felt so bad at his actions.

I felt that I could reward myself as I am getting a very large sum of money due to a payment overage I made on our taxes. He is now fine with all of it.

Again thank you for all your support and helping me to feel better!

Some of these guys sound like real pricks and they should be in therapy. Too bad they usually don't seek help, unless ordered to do so by a judge. I feel sorry for you. Try not to blame yourself. Don't get hung up on things like seeing yourself as withdrawn and other self criticisms in a negative way. Instead, acknowledge the fact that you have your own personality traits, and others have theirs. Nobody is better than the other. But if this guy is telling you to do something, then blowing up at you for doing it, and then you try to reverse it, and he blows up at you for that. Those actions are outright hurtful and he should seek treatment for his behavior. But like I said, that's probably unrealistic that he would seek treatment.

I didn't seek treatment until I realized that I was causing suffering to others around me, by my actions, not my personality or thoughts.

If he is not aware of the negative actions he is taking and his own behavior, is there a way to point that out to him? What if you just flat out say it? He sounds like the type of person who would get defensive and turn it around on you, and try to make it out to be your fault. Don't let him get you down. In time he might realize it, apologize, and deal with his own issues. At least, that would be ideal right? Whatever happens, just try not to blame yourself. Don't be self-critical.

Easier said than done of course, but that's the only advice I can really give, not having been in a similar situation.

A few days later I did let him know how much he hurt and embarrassed me. He was very sorry for what he did and has been trying to make up for it. We are both under stress - him walking on egg shells around me as to not upset me has to stress him and other out. I just couldn't understand why he did what he did. But at least it is behind us now. He has been so gentle and eager to please these last few days... I guess we all blow at some time and I was the only one there to take it out on as I was the cause of the stress. I hope this makes sence... thank you for your post!

BashfullOne, you have such a big heart. Thank you for being you.