down...

last weekend i was hypomanic... sleeping 3hrs, shopping like crazy, and outgoing. (albeit irritable). those moments of 'up' are rare for me. i love them (though others around me might not!!)

but it's always followed by this intense downward spiral that i can't shake even when i know it's coming. my parents just left from their week long visit. i hate to see them go. everything that seemed so great last weekend seems so horrible this weekend. the only reason that keeps me alive is the same reason i am still breathing after last time's halfhearted-attempt... my kids. half of me is trying to convince myself that they need me and the other half is trying to convince me that they are better off without me. they were heartbroken when my parents left. what if they'd be better off living with them and not me?

UGH... im so sick of the up and down!!!! im sick of not being able to control my brain.

My biological mom attempted many times...until she finally did it. You just can't replace a biological mom...EVER. Please hang in there. Things will get better. I tried to post something hopeful to let people know that the depression will end. Hang in there!

Medication of some kind seems to be in order here. Your mood needs to be brought toward the center of extremes. Meds are the best thing for this because you could easily spiral out of control....Are you on some kind of therapy?

yutz... i am on meds. they are still working on the combinations to get it right. it's a long process. especially since it seems im so resistant to everything but the side effects.

i just asked my 6 yr old if she'd rather live with grandma and grandpa and not mommy. she said "yes, but i'll visit you sometimes" guess that's my answer.

That really resonates with me. I have never actually tried, though I have come close...but during dangerously dark times, the thought of my kids suffering has always prevented me from going any further.

I have felt the same way before. It scares me to read previous notes i have written, citing the latter sentence in your quote there. Your children need you. You just have to think, to know, that you will come out of this depression. If you go away, your children will have to suffer from that for the rest of their lives. Depressions do not last forever...the "other thing" does.

That's the conclusion i have come to. Others' will face challenges during depressive episodes, and any emotional wounds will heal over time. There are so many more great moments to experience during life.

But they will face a never-ending and life-long emotional hardship if you go away, maybe even to the point where they suffer the same fate.

I don't know if we're suppose to talk about this on here, because it may be triggering, but you used the triggering icon, so I think it's fine. i just want you to know that I have asked myself the same question many times. And it's always better to be there, especially for your loved ones, and they do love you! Episodes are just that, episodes, they come and go. If you take the other action, it is eternal, and brings about eternal suffering for everyone still here.

That is the realization that I have come to when facing this question. If there is any ambiguity in my post, what I'm saying is...you need to stay here!

Please get help. Even a general practitioner can prescribe meds for mental health issues.

I so sorry that you're feeling so horrible. I wish I had a solution to your situation. I know how you feel - the crash after the high. It' so hard when you feel so normal and great, and the next thing you know your so down that all you can do is cry. This would be a good time to call your T or p-doc, if you have one - if not you might want to check into finding a T by talking with your family MD. Your family MD will be able to help you somewhat with a med, and might be able to help you find a T. Please know that many of us are thinking of you and hoping that you get to feeling better soon. Your children need YOU - and you need them. You can PM me anytime to talk, to vent, or chat. Bless you!

thank you. please know ive read carefully everything you all have said. and take some encouragement in the thought that it is an episode and will (hopefully) not last. im just not up to responding much. im still dwelling on the 'bad' thoughts... planning, dreaming... etc... in an odd kind of way, its comforting. but i wanted to jump on and say thanks.

just wanted to sign on and say today was a better day. not up- but im not as down either. it really helps having these forums where i can talk and just read through posts and know there are others out there, who struggle with a lot of the same thoughts and problems. thanks to all.

Very glad to hear that!