[grizmom]

I was recently accepted into this program called CCS that helps people with disabilities try to overcome some of the things that are holding them back and to help find resources and such to work on things. The lady I met with that did my assessment and all, Pam, was really nice and kept reassuring me that they go at my pace and won't force me into anything I'm not ready for...

Today I had my first meeting with my service provider, Mike, to get some paperwork done and to start going over my treatment plan, and he made me a little nervous because he was asking what kind of employment I'd like to do and even though he said he doesn't think I'm ready for that "at this time", it seems like he thinks that employment is like a final goal or something. I have been on disability since 1995 and I have kind of "accepted" that I probably will never be able to work. I'm sure that it's possible that could change someday, but I don't even like to think of the idea right now. I have a hard time just leaving my apartment! I got into the program to help me improve things, but not to set goals to get off of disability. When he asked what kind of work I'd be interested in, I said that someday I might want to look into working at Riverfront, which is a place where people who are disabled can work part-time in a safe environment, which means that if I get overwhelmed or something, then I would be free to take some time off and not have to worry about losing the job. I would just go back when I'm ready. So I could work a little bit but not lose my disability benefits. He said "I think you're capable of much more than that". It's nice of him to say, but he just met me. He doesn't know what I am or am not capable of!!! He was also saying that people on disability have "too much time on their hands" and that working would "take my mind off my problems".

If I wanted to get a "real" job (9-5 or whatever), I would lose my benefits and I am not qualified to do anything except basic jobs, so I probably would not get medical insurance, and I wouldn't be able to pay for my meds, which in turn would make me not stable enough to work again, and I'd have to reapply for the disability benefits all over again. I'm totally stressed now...I honestly do not think I will ever be to a point where I could go back into the work force, even though I wish I could. I do want to improve my situation, as far as getting better about leaving my apartment without anxiety, help with meeting people and making friends, and trying to learn to follow a schedule without anxiety, etc.

Even though my current combination of meds keeps me fairly stable, I do still get overwhelmed very easily and then fall into depression, and it's rare that I even go a year without needing to be hospitalized because I get suicidal. It's not just bipolar, it's also PTSD, insomnia, gen. anxiety disorder, some type of personality disorder (doc isn't quite sure which one I fit into, lol).

I was really looking forward to starting this program and now I'm kind of freaked out. Why should I have to meet any goals except the ones I set and think I can achieve? I get sick of people thinking that just because I'm smart that I should be able to work a full time job if I just try hard enough. Sometimes you can try as hard as you can and still not meet other people's expectations. Why don't people understand that? I think I need you all to talk me out of quitting the program! Please give me some insights if you can, I'd really appreciate it!

[englishteacher]

((((grizmom))))Take a deep breathe and slow down. You don't have to meet anyone's expectations but your own.

He doesn't know you. He can't make you do anything you don't feel comfortable doing. That being said, don't give up on the program just because he isn't being sensitive to your needs or getting to know you well before making suggestions. Give it some time...see what is offered and what you want to accept from the program. Most of all, don't use this as an opportunity to feel bad about yourself. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!

Feel better...

[Amazonmom]

Tell him YOUR goal and tell him that is what you want to work towards. Some people think they are being supportive when they tell others they can do more, or that they just have too much time on their hands...but they don't see how discouraging that can sound to you.

One step at a time.

[thinker22]

As I mentioned in another post, some worker in a cubicle seems to think I can do so much more (work & hours) because I'm intelligent and can bathe myself. It's so absurd to set goals for people you don't even know. I get suicidal every year too and it's all I can do for the months that the major depression happens to get out of bed and try to stay out of the hospital. This guy seems well meaning, but he's overwhelming you to the point that you don't even want to do the program at all. I think you should ask for another caseworker or else tell this guy that he's suggesting too much too fast and you're thinking of quitting the bar is already set so high. That's what I would do. People can think they're being charming or encouraging when in essence they're drowning you. It's okay to admit you're not ready for any of that.

[BNLsMOM]

It sounds like a good program, and I agree that maybe you should request to speak with someone who you feel more comfortable with. Also, think about what your goals are for the program and let your caseworkers know what they are.

Good luck. Let us know how it is going, OK?

[Anneinside]

I am on disability and although my psychologist and psychiatrist don't think I can work I sometimes think about returning to work. I almost have a panic attack thinking about it. I am well education but can't take the stress of a job that reflects my education. I would have to take a job such as a secretary at a small business and would be likely to lose my medical coverage, causing a relapse and the difficult task of getting back on disability and Medicare. Very scary!

[grizmom]

Thanks for the support everyone! I tried to lay down for awhile and relax...but it didn't help; I'm still really upset. I am planning on calling Pam tomorrow and talking to her about it. I'm going to tell her everything he said that upset me and that was triggering to me...

He had also said that "most of the bipolar people I've worked with don't really want to get better, they just make excuses because they want to stay sick. I don't think that's true about you though". WTF? I really didn't like him generalizing people with bipolar; and did he ask them if they didn't want to get better or is he just assuming? Sometimes I want a certain thing to change but it scares me so much that I will "chicken out" (for lack of a better phrase). What does he mean by "get better" anyhow? There isn't a cure for this...the best we can do is learn to manage it and try to change what we can. And sometimes we do try but it just doesn't work out the way we would like it to.

I know they are really busy and have a lot of clients, so if I do ask to change I don't know how long it would take, but I'm willing to wait. And he is retiring in July so I would be transferred to someone else then anyways. I also didn't like that when he was asking for my work history and I told him that the last time I tried to work was about 10 years ago, he was like "REALLY? That LONG?" Nevermind that it was a total disaster and I only lasted a few months, which I told him. I even liked the job, and I only worked two days a week for 4 hours each day...but it was still too overwhelming and I had to quit because I ended up in the hospital from the stress of it.

I had also told him about what my goals were and one of them is finding alternative transportation besides the city bus because it freaks me out, and I already did find an option for medical appointments, I just need to find some type of program for things like grocery shopping or if I want to go out for coffee or to eat or something. I explained that I have tried several times to overcome my fear of the bus by making myself go out and do it, but it never has helped change the fears and anxieties about it. If anything, if made them worse. But he was saying how he wants to make one of my first goals to be being able to take the bus. He said someone would come and take the bus with me, but I really don't think having a "buddy" will change any of the things that make me fearful and anxious about the bus.

One of the goals that I do want to work on first, and I told him this, is learning how to follow a schedule without getting overwhelmed. I was thinking that starting therapy again (since I've found the medical transportation now) would be a good way to start, I could start out twice a month and learn to stick with that, and try to work through any feelings of being overwhelmed, and if I can do that for a couple of months then maybe try to go every week.

I get so mad at myself because while he was here, even when he said something I didn't really like, I don't seem able to say anything about it at the time...it's like I have to process it and figure out exactly what it was that bothered me. And by the time that happens, the person is long gone. I just can't collect my thoughts while I'm in the middle of talking to someone. I hate that about myself!

I'm so sorry that I'm rambling on and on, I just don't have anyone in real life to talk to and I'm on the verge of tears right now...I really hope Pam is in tomorrow morning because I am pretty sure I'm going to be upset until I talk to her. <---that's me lol!

[grizmom]

I just talked to Pam and she said that he should not have said some of those things and that she is going to talk to her supervisor and they will assign me a different service provider!! I ended up calling a crisis line last night to talk to someone because my anxiety got so bad that I was crying, and the person I talked to was very nice and it helped a lot to calm me down enough to try and get some sleep. And I don't know how to thank all of you for supporting me and encouraging me to not give up on the program. Hopefully whomever they assign me to now will work out better!

[thinker22]

I'm glad you talked to her. What a relief. I didn't think that guy should be saying those things to you or anyone. He's just plain ignorant if he thinks that bipolar people don't want to get "better" and that it's not a lifelong illness. All we can do is learn to manage it.

Part of the disability is not knowing what to expect. You can have one great day where you feel somewhat normal or only mildly depressed, then it can be followed by 4 or more days of severe depression. How is one supposed to keep a job when they have to call in sick whenever their brain chemistry is screwed up? Most jobs will not put up with working one day a week, let alone no days a week. At my job I work a single day for 5-7 hours a week or 2 days of about 4 hours each. They're very accomodating and I can switch days if I've not been able to sleep or am too depressed and overwhelmed to leave the apartment. A job like this is one in a million, though. Still, I can't work enough to support myself.

I have always had a very independent spirit and it makes me feel terrible to have to rely on programs and others, but it's better than being institutionalized. That's what these disability workers need to know. But because they've never suffered, it's easy to call mentally ill people lazy. In fact, instead of brains being proof that we can work more, intelligence actually makes our illness worse because we can think far more abstractly about the pain that we're in. It would be better if we were blissfully ignorant. We try to talk ourselves out of the depression and it just gets worse. We say things like "There is so much you have to be thankful for, what's wrong with you? Why can't you be normal."

Who would want to live on the paltry amount and the limited insurance options within disability if they could have an awesome job, a house, a car, and benefits for working full time? This was certainly not my dream as a child.

I'm so sorry about the things the caseworker said to you. I hope you will be treated with respect on the next try.

Best.

[grizmom]

Pam did talk to her supervisor and they are going to assign someone else for me. Her supervisor said it would be easiest to just have Mike finish the paperwork since he is the one who started it, but Pam is going to come with him to see me and we will only do paperwork and not talk about goals with him. I told Pam what my goals are and she and her supervisor are going to get me started in the "peer support" program. A peer support person is someone who has a mental illness but is stable and doing well now, and they have to go through a long training process to become a peer support. She will come visit me, take me out into the community, help me find recreation or support groups and go with me if I want her to. The other goal is to help me find a therapist which will help with 2 goals: seeing someone to work on issues with and to talk to, and to help me learn to follow a schedule without becoming overwhelmed. I will start by going every other week and when I feel comfortable with following that schedule, then I will try to go every week if I think I need to. So we are going to get those started in a couple of weeks. After I think I've met those goals or I am comfortable adding a new one, I will let them know and we will decide on how to meet any new goals at that time, and not worry about them right now. Just focusing on what I'm working on at the moment!

thinker...I agree; I don't see how people can think that having to be on disability makes us happy in any way. And he was wrong to say that people who are on disability have too much time on their hands and just sit and think about their problems! Sure, there are days that I am thinking about them because I'm in the middle of an episode, but there are days when I'm feeling stable and have low anxiety, and on those days I don't just sit around and think about my illnesses. I read, play computer games, watch tv or a movie, etc. And hopefully with this program I will meet new friends in a recreation group or support group and I will have people to do things with on the days I'm feeling good.

Thanks again everyone!!