[musikcrazy]

• Well, I feel guilty that I haven't been on here in a while. That's what seems to happen with me. I think I'm cured and than I don't stay connected. This time I am staying involved in this community because it is always there for me when I need it. I thank everybody reading this post for listening. So here goes....
• I had my first 'official' BP episode after my first daughter was born. At first they DX me as Postpartum Depression, but I never got better, only worse. After three years of on again, off again meds with my PCP ad not beleiving that I really had BP, I had a terrible episode and went to see a pdoc. That was last year and I have been fairly stable until recently. I was doing so well that my husband and I decided we were ready for baby number two and my pdoc let me start weaning off my meds. Well, I was stupid and decided that i wanted to wean myself a little faster (I'm 35 and the clock is ticking!). So, I was basically not taking any Lamictal (BTW, I am on 2mgXanax XR, 80 mg Geodon, 100 mg Pristiq, and now back up to 300mg Lamictal) and I just fell apart. I went into my pdoc appt last week planning to pretend everything was alright and I completely lost it. So much that my pdoc wanted me to go to the hospital (I refused) and he made me assure him that I wouldn't harm myself because I was having suicidal thoughts. I am so angry at all of this. On top of this, I have been staying up all night. I have been taking extra Geodon at night just to knock me out (I haven't shared this with the pdoc) and it is driving me over the edge. I am a mother and a teacher. I feel like I can't keep it together anymore. I am devestated that I now am back on all my meds and cannot have a baby until I am once again stable. When is that going to happen? No one seems to understand the strong feelings I have about wanting another baby, yet afraid that it is not the right thing. My husband wants a baby so bad and I feel so guilty that I have once again screwed it all up. I hate myself and the truth is that I keep thinking about taking my bottle of Xanax. I know that is crazy and I would hurt my family. I am just so worried that I am going to mess up my daughter, yet I know dying would be wrong. I feel so guilty for all of these feelings. It is consuming me and the thoughts of going to work tomorrow are overwhelming. I am so determined to work and make everything appear good, but I am unraveling. Please help.

[perpetuallysad]

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I can really, really relate to the baby thing. I have a 9 year old and my husband really, really wants a baby (my son isn't his "bio" son, but he loves him just the same). Anyway, I have gotten pregnant 2 times over the past year and both times I had a miscarriage. For a while I was absolutely obsessed with the idea that I had to have another baby because I'm now 34 and I don't have much time left. Well, after the miscarriage in Feb. I decided to let it go. I have examined it all and I think I was just feeling my hormones take over about wanting to have a baby and that I felt like I owed my husband a baby (and my son too really wants a baby) and I think I let all of that build into a pressure that made me feel like I HAD to have a baby. Not that my husband has been anything but kind, because he would not really ever truly pressure me, I mostly pressure myself because I think I know what he wants, etc. (As you can see, I'm a mess too!) Anyway, once I decided to let the baby thing go, its like this huge, huge burden has been lifted off of my chest. And I feel so much better about things. I don't feel like I am racing against time to hurry up and get pregnant. I don't know how to explain it. But I feel better. I'm not saying this to say you shouldn't want to have a baby. I guess I was just really relating to what you said and I wanted to share what I've been going through.

Definitely don't take the xanax. Your daughter would much rather have a "sick" mommy than no mommy at all. And just because you have a MI doesn't mean you are going to mess her up. I'm sure you are a great mom!

[gravyyy]

hang in there musik... this is just a cycle and it will pass. Please don't do anything to harm yourself. You have a family and students that need you. If you're unsafe, please go to the hospital. Of course it's not most people's favorite place, but if you need it, you need it. Otherwise hang tough and keep yourself as occupied as you can. Keep your mind focused the best you can so you can filter out the negative automatic thoughts. Take good care!!!! Hope you get to feeling better soon.

[musikcrazy]

Thank you everyone for your posts. They are very helpful and I feel better. Thank you!! I know I just have to hold on.

[grizmom]

Hi musik...can I ask why you refused to go into the hospital? Have you had a bad experience with it or something? I know I used to be terrified of going into the hospital, but I've had to be there several times over the years and even though it isn't fun to be there, I do know that in the end it is a big help.

Also, you said you are taking extra meds to help you sleep...I have done that in the past and in the end it always backfired because I ended up becoming dependant on the extra dose to help me sleep, and eventually I would have to tell my pdoc and get lectured on the dangers of increasing dosage w/o doc approval, and then my meds would have to be completely re-adjusted all over again to get me back to the doses I should be on. If you are having trouble sleeping, I would recommend that you see your doc again and see if they can put you on a mild dose of sleep aid...you might only need it for awhile.

Anyhow, I do hope that you start to feel more stable soon, it sounds like you have a lot going on. Take care!!

[musikcrazy]

I am terrified of the hospital. I have never been and I want to keep it that way. My pdoc knows I will do whatever it takes to stay out. I am scared that if I call him tomorrow he will make me go.

Originally Posted by grizmom

Hi musik...can I ask why you refused to go into the hospital? Have you had a bad experience with it or something? I know I used to be terrified of going into the hospital, but I've had to be there several times over the years and even though it isn't fun to be there, I do know that in the end it is a big help.

Also, you said you are taking extra meds to help you sleep...I have done that in the past and in the end it always backfired because I ended up becoming dependant on the extra dose to help me sleep, and eventually I would have to tell my pdoc and get lectured on the dangers of increasing dosage w/o doc approval, and then my meds would have to be completely re-adjusted all over again to get me back to the doses I should be on. If you are having trouble sleeping, I would recommend that you see your doc again and see if they can put you on a mild dose of sleep aid...you might only need it for awhile.

Anyhow, I do hope that you start to feel more stable soon, it sounds like you have a lot going on. Take care!!

[billieJ]

Musik, the hospital is not a terrible place, particularly if you have insurance and can opt for a private one. But state hospitals are very closely scrutinized by, well, the state, and they, therefore, keep units and programs up to snuff very well. You are right about several things: dying would NOT help anything; lack of sleep will drive you over the edge; working, if you can hold it together, is therapeutic. I understand about taking extra meds when you are desperate for sleep, but grizmom makes a good point in saying that it actually just messes everything up. Can you talk to a supervisor about the possibility of hospitalization? I have been hospitalized a few times, and most of them were quite pleasant. Group therapy situations created quickly-formed friendships and support. Until becoming disabled, I worked in a state hospital, and we were quite good at med adjustment and activities. Please feel free to PM me if you have questions about hospitalization. And find a no-med-abuse way to get some sleep, if at all possible. It will help normalize you. I don't see how you could be committed to a hospital for complaining of not sleeping. Now, suicidal thoughts, that's a different story. In Texas, and probably most places, commitment to a hospital requires being "a danger to self or others or at risk for deterioration." But hospitalization is not anything to be afraid of. I realize that it is unpleasant to be around others who may be very psychotic, but that doesn't mean that you are like them, only that you can be grateful that you are not like them! Babies are wonderful, and I can see that you badly desire to have one, but you don't want to do this in the midst of a psychotic or mood episode. It is easy to think that we know more than the docs, since they have [usually] not experienced the conditions they are treating, but there really is a reason for gradual reduction of meds. Take it from one who has "cold-turkeyed" it against medical advice! Please consider me a friend ~ billieJ

[gravyyy]

The hospital definitely isn't a place to be scared of. I have been in 2 times and both times I was freaked out (and I work in health care and have done rotations through psych units in hospitals). I went to a private free standing mental health hospital and the experience was really, really scary for the first few hours just figuring out what's going on and who the people are and the rules and all that. But after that it was actually really relieving to be there because I knew I was no longer in charge of my safety. I could totally focus on healing and feeling better and it was overall a positive experience. I mean it's not some place anyone WANTS to go, but if it's needed it doesn't have to be horrible. I don't know what your insurance is or anything like that but if you have private insurance they will typically pay for private hospitals. Do research now and figure out where you would want to go if you needed to. Your doc can always call the intake line at the facility and set up evaluation that way so you wouldn't even have to go to the medical hospital ER and all that. It's a pretty painless process. I hope you don't need this information because you're feeling better but if not, research and find someplace you would be willing to go just in case you need it. Again, I hope you don't need it but I hope you use it if you have to.

[grizmom]

For me the only things I dislike about being in the hospital are: not being able to smoke, not seeing my cat, missing my computer and my tv shows, and not sleeping in my own bed. These are all pretty trivial things in the big picture. The benefits of the hospital: not having to put on a "happy face" anymore, group therapy, recreation groups, craft groups, exercise groups, people to talk to around the clock, good (or at least decent) food that I don't have to cook and don't have to clean up after, staff to help motivate me when I don't feel like doing anything (they don't force me, but they help me find good reasons to get up and about), meeting others who are in the same situation and can relate, knowing I'm safe and can't hurt myself, and time to focus on myself and what I need to do to feel better with no outside distractions. I've been in 3 different psych wards and they were all good; there is one I won't go back to because I don't like a couple of the current doctors and staff, but overall it was still not a scary place to be.

I hope that you are feeling better and if not, I do hope you will re-consider the hospital. Take care!!

[Amazonmom]

Get yourself back to stable, okay? Whatever it takes- hospital, meds, T, etc.

It is entirely possible to have a pregnancy while on meds. If you still want another child, that's something to remember. There are people that specialize in perinatal psychiatry that can help you if your Pdoc can't.

I too had a big episode after having my daughter. I am doing more research and am considering having my next baby while on Lithium or Lamictal.

[BNLsMOM]

I was having the baby conversation with my husband today. We decided to give my stability some more time. I am probably 60-70% stable right now.

With that said, if I ever need to go to the hospital again, I would. (I hope I remember that if the need arises) I think that for me when I am in an episode, the structure is helpful.

I hope you are feeling better.

[bluebutterfly29]

@muzik i have to agree with grizmom, the hospital is not a bad place, and when your there you don't have to put on the happy face, you dont have to put up the front you do on a daily basis. i know what you mean regarding the on & off meds its gets so exhausting ..... but we have to hold on especially for our kids they need us.... ive thought about taking pills to end it all in the past but then i think how messed up i will leave my children and how that will affect them so then i change my thoughts...i hope you find strength to pull yourself thru and if you need to go to the hospital it wouldn't be a bad thing

Originally Posted by grizmom

For me the only things I dislike about being in the hospital are: not being able to smoke, not seeing my cat, missing my computer and my tv shows, and not sleeping in my own bed. These are all pretty trivial things in the big picture. The benefits of the hospital: not having to put on a "happy face" anymore, group therapy, recreation groups, craft groups, exercise groups, people to talk to around the clock, good (or at least decent) food that I don't have to cook and don't have to clean up after, staff to help motivate me when I don't feel like doing anything (they don't force me, but they help me find good reasons to get up and about), meeting others who are in the same situation and can relate, knowing I'm safe and can't hurt myself, and time to focus on myself and what I need to do to feel better with no outside distractions. I've been in 3 different psych wards and they were all good; there is one I won't go back to because I don't like a couple of the current doctors and staff, but overall it was still not a scary place to be.

I hope that you are feeling better and if not, I do hope you will re-consider the hospital. Take care!!