[thinker22]

Does anyone else have thoughts about killing themselves, but have no intention of acting on the images flashing before your eyes...and then fear that you'll sleepwalk and do it without truly wishing to?

That's what I've been dealing with. I have a hard time falling asleep because I worry about it. Obviously it hasn't happened, but as it might just be an irrational fear I'm hesitant to tell my p-doc or T.

Do I just deal with the fear and ignore it?

[BNLsMOM]

All the time, but I am more afraid that I will do it while I am awake, but in a trance of some sort. Also, my thoughts are more like self injury, and I am afraid that I will go too far by mistake.

I plan to tell my T tomorrow, before the images get too strong.

[allme]

Hi Thinker

yes I do when on a down but dont worry about doing it while I am asleep. I spoke to my doc about it and he didnt seem too worried about it... I think it's because I told him I had no intention but just had images of doing it. Still though, talk to your own doc about it. *hugs*

I have also wondered if others had these images/thoughts.... thank you for posting this question.

[grizmom]

Originally Posted by thinker22

Does anyone else have thoughts about killing themselves, but have no intention of acting on the images flashing before your eyes...and then fear that you'll sleepwalk and do it without truly wishing to?

That's what I've been dealing with. I have a hard time falling asleep because I worry about it. Obviously it hasn't happened, but as it might just be an irrational fear I'm hesitant to tell my p-doc or T.

Do I just deal with the fear and ignore it?

I have had the thoughts and images, but I never had the fear I would do it while sleeping. The only thing I've ever done in my sleep is sleep eating, and that's only when I take seroquel for sleep at night. Have you ever fantasized about anything else and then did it while asleep? I agree that you should talk to your T about it; that's their job...to help you deal with irrational fears, right? I wouldn't think it's necessary to tell your pdoc as I don't know that it would require a med change...but your T would tell you if you should tell the pdoc or not.

Just a suggestion that you can take or leave...could you write a list of reasons that you want to live and read them over a few times before going to sleep, kind of a mantra to help you not worry? I do something similar to help with my nightmares...I have a recurring nightmare that I'm stuck in my hometown and can't find a way back to my current city. I repeat over and over "I live in L. now. I do not live in T. anymore." It has helped the nightmares lessen a bit.

Take care!!

[Ygrec23]

Originally Posted by thinker22

Does anyone else have thoughts about killing themselves, but have no intention of acting on the images flashing before your eyes...and then fear that you'll sleepwalk and do it without truly wishing to?

Originally Posted by thinker22

That's what I've been dealing with. I have a hard time falling asleep because I worry about it. Obviously it hasn't happened, but as it might just be an irrational fear I'm hesitant to tell my p-doc or T.

Do I just deal with the fear and ignore it?

You already have so many replies I wonder if this one will surface among all the others. I suffer and have suffered from the same thing that afflicts you. I think constantly about doing bad things to myself (there are specific terms you can't use on this website - advice!). I used to sleepwalk, and did almost kill myself by, in my sleep, walking off the high end of a summer camp tent situated on the steep side of a hill. I was caught by a fellow camper sitting on the toilet who reached out and grabbed my pyjamas as I was about to go over. I knew nothing about it and remembered nothing about it. But I never did anything like hang myself in my sleep. Tell your p-doc and T, for gosh sakes, they ought to know, and they'll reassure you about what you may and may not do when you're sleep walking. Want to know what STOPPED my sleepwalking? When I was 12, in the middle of the night, I was running (in my sleep) up and down the hallway outside my bedroom, and yelling. My father woke up and came out and shook me, and I woke up. (He went against that really silly folk belief in not waking sleepwalkers up.) I never sleepwalked again.

Take care (Hope this gets to you)

[gravyyy]

Thans for posting this question Thinker. I often think I'm the only one this happens to. I used to be freaked out that this was happening and it meant I was hallucinating but I know the images I see aren't real but a projection. It doesn't make it any less scary but I do talk to my T and pdoc about it if it gets bad. In the past I have been on Risperdal (antipsychotic) to even things out until my mood stabilized. It's worth talking to you pdoc and/or T about. Having those thoughts and "seeing" those images doesn't mean you're going to get committed or anything like that but they can talk you through it so perhaps at night you're able to rest easier knowing that it's part of the illness and doesn't mean you're going to act on it in your sleep. Good luck but I know for me it's nice to know I'm not alone. Hopefully it's that way for you too.

[allme]

I am not glad this happens to others but its comforting, in a way, to know its apart of BP .....

[leah0306]

Originally Posted by thinker22

Does anyone else have thoughts about killing themselves, but have no intention of acting on the images flashing before your eyes...and then fear that you'll sleepwalk and do it without truly wishing to?

That's what I've been dealing with. I have a hard time falling asleep because I worry about it. Obviously it hasn't happened, but as it might just be an irrational fear I'm hesitant to tell my p-doc or T.

Do I just deal with the fear and ignore it?

hi, i do that too, see images that disturb me,about self-harm, i have a problem dealing with self-injury issues, so i know it can be tough. Maybe mention this to your dr.?? So sorry that its causing you to lose sleep, thats gotta be hard.... take care

[Typo]

(((((((((Thinker))))))))))

[thinker22]

Hi guys,

I was at school and doing schoolwork all day. I'm exhausted. Not sleeping well obviously. I stay up late thinking that if I don't fall asleep nothing bad can happen. I'm on a fairly high dose of Geodon, but sometimes it isn't enough.

I can't believe so many of you deal with the same issue! Like someone said, I'm glad that I'm not alone (and we're all still alive) but I don't wish it on any of us.

I have therapy tomorrow. I talked to my pdoc today, but didn't bring it up. Perhaps my T will give me some ideas about how to calm myself down. Haha...hope it's not a nightly straight jacket.

Thank you all for your input. I'll let you know how things go.

[Moose72]

Look up "Horror Movie Hallucinations". I've had them, too.

[WendyAussie]

Yes, I agree with everyone, you MUST tell your psychiatrist or psychologist. This stuff's not to be trifled with, which I guess you know, as you're asking about it. It may well be that you need a meds adjustment, or maybe you need to talk through things with your T about self esteem and hope issues, and is there something underpinning these thoughts?

I had, I guess, the opposite problem, I was all too aware of how profoundly suicidally depressed I was (had lost everything to Bipolar and long-term mis-medicating by psychiatrists). I told my psychiatrist at the time, every single time I saw him how depressed I was and he didn't act to help me. I made a 100% serious attempt on my life and was in a coma for 5 days and only survived because of an amazing sequence of events and the help of Police, Ambulance, ICU etc. I mention this as a cautionary tale. If you're aware that some type of trigger even somehow relating to suicidal thoughts is happening, get help from your mental health care team and don't stop until they help you. They are not always as responsive as they should be.

[Phoenix1985]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

All the time, but I am more afraid that I will do it while I am awake, but in a trance of some sort. Also, my thoughts are more like self injury, and I am afraid that I will go too far by mistake.

I plan to tell my T tomorrow, before the images get too strong.

I'm the same. I worry that I'll do it from a numb what-if kind of thing - where you don't really think about what you're doing.

The worry about accidentally going too far with self-harm is why I pick at myself instead of cutting - just seems safer to me.

guess there's a few things I should maybe mention during my medication review next week.

I hope everyone is able to deal with these thoughts safely.

[thinker22]

I can't say how much I appreciate everyone's input. I did tell my T today and he didn't really give me much of any advice about it. He just said he would put it into my report for SSDI. Or rather he would add it. He said I should talk to my p-doc, but only about lack of energy issues. I just woke up from a nap. I always crash in the afternoons. I'm kind of resigned about the thoughts. They appeared suddenly so maybe they'll go away suddenly. I'm just too drowsy to care right now. If things get too bad, I will phone my p-doc. Right now I think I'm too out of it to act on anything.

I'm so sorry to hear how everyone else has suffered. I think these are just malfunctioning brain chemicals and it's not your fault. We have to keep trying to get our meds right. It feels like forever, but one day perhaps I'll have good lasting news. to all.

[Phoenix1985]

back to you thinker22. hope the thoughts disappear quickly for you.

[FeelingHopeful]

Thinker, My thoughts arte always with you friend!! Im saying a million prayers that things get better for you!

[thinker22]

Sorry I'm not contributing to everyone else right now. It feels selfish. I wish I had more to offer. I'm so overwhelmed right now with everything. I know a lot of you are struggling with things worse than I, but I just don't know what to say. I'm sorry you are hurting.

I was thinking today as I walked back from the painting studio to my car (I loathe this painting class) that the meds are poisoning me and I need to get off of them as soon as possible. I worried last night that I was pregnant and killing the cells with all these drugs. I guess that was better than thinking I'd kill myself in my sleep. I hate feeling so drowsy in the afternoons from Geodon. I always need an hour or two nap and it interferes with work and school. I feel like such a loser.

Totally want to come off of all of my meds, but I know that would be insane on my body due to withdrawal. I think I'm ruining my liver being on all these things. I wonder if it's worse than drinking alcohol.

Maybe I'm better but my body can't show it because the meds are clouding my brain and energy. How can I know if I don't stop them?

[WendyAussie]

You don't have to be sorry about not contributing, we can only deploy rescources when we have them. There are times on these sorts of boards when some people are feeling like you are now, and other people might be having a better patch and each gives according to what resources they have at the time - it all evens out over time. And don't forget that you sharing your current difficulties enables all of us to relate and recognise what is happening for us too. And we wouldn't have that dialogue if you hadn't started this thread.

But I do know about feeling useles, despite everything I just said, I most often don't feel like a contributing member of society, I am on a Dsiability Pension (Australia) and have been for three years and this is after having a 14 year career and three qualifications for that career - all gone now. And I am a member of AA, 11 years sober, and I feel awful that I can't "be of service" and extend my hand in the way I did for many years until my illnesses and the terrible is-prescribing by psychiatrists took hold. But my psychologist and I spoke about it the other day and we agreed that I should think about things like I have described above.

On your meds, the worst thing to do is suddenly stop them. It's your right to stop them of course but if you're going to do it, it needs to tapered down under medical supervision. However, my sense is that your are considering going off meds because you are feeling absolutely desperate and your mind is trying to figure all different ways that might help get you on an even keel and lessen these terrible feeling you have. Before going off your meds could I suggest you talk to your psychiatrist/psychologist to go back over what each med is for, how it is helping you. And if they are NOT helping you, be assertive with the psychiatrist and tell them the side effects are too great, the meds are not working etc. Don't give up on finding those answers. I was mis-medicated for 6/7 years and it swept my whole life away and nearly my life. I wish I had known then what I know now. But I do know that for me, while the science of psych meds is in its infancy and fundamentally flawed, it's the best choice I have in this point in time.

[BNLsMOM]

Thinker,
I have been thinking the same thing about my meds lately. I am having a marginally more clear morning today, and I am thinking that it is a part of my illness to loathe the meds. (?)

I will probably change my mind tomorrow.

Most days I am down for the count, at least lately. I have been suspecting it is my meds.

[thinker22]

It's probably not all that uncommon, but when I have some semblance of a decent day (not great, just not terrible), I think about quitting my meds. On horrible days I think I need them, just a different combination. Fact is, I know that once I have several weeks of feeling okay, I will want to come off of them and not blame the feeling good on them. I know this and I will still do it. Why?

My hair has fallen out to the point of where it only makes a scrawny little pony tail. I can't stay awake in the afternoons. My liver is being overloaded. I have a bizarre skin discoloration that I think is from Geodon, but it's the only anti-psych that has worked on me to stop certain symptoms. I either feel fried and hyper or drugged and listless much of the time. I've become a hermit and hate to leave my house for anything. I can't even work for a full day any more because of the afternoon dizzy/drowsiness. I feel like a zombie in my second class. Everything overwhelms me.

And yet, my mornings are decent now. I have some clarity of thought until about noon and then in the evening from about 6 onward. I just want to feel good without the meds, but realistically I think that's probably impossible. And that depresses me. I feel crippled, but SSDI doesn't seem to think so despite my doctors' letters.

Okay I'm rambling. Sorry for the dumping. Thanks for your support. You guys are all tough cookies. If you can handle it, so can I. We can all make it together, if that doesn't sound too corny. I think it's true.

PS, the thoughts are getting less powerful about the sleepwalking, etc. to all