My cage is being rattled!!

After battling with moods, major anxiety and possible depression creeping in, I now get into a serious blow-up with my boyfriend around trust issues! I get accused of having an affair and he raises his hand to me, smashes an ashtray and runs me down in every possible way "I'm rubbish and he was stupid to take me back."

I just don't know what to do. I'm so emotionally detached, I cannot make decisions. I feel exhausted. I eventually left at 11:30 last night, as it wasn't safe for me to be there. Now I don't know if we're over, taking a short-term break, or if he expects me home tonight.
I feel guilty for having called a friend, not a close one, at 11:30 to spend the night there.
I'm just so over it!! I'm clinging to my PC family for strength, keeping myself busy by replying to threads here

I'm sorry things are s0 aweful 4 you right now. I'm thinking about you & will be keeping you in my prayers... I'm sorry I don't have much 2 say, I'm in a strange sort of limbo today, but PM me if you need me, and if you're on mxit we could chat in real time...

sorry, deleted mxit after i had a stalker phone me and mms me pics at all hours. i just feel helpless and hopeless and exhausted after a terrible night's sleep (lack thereof)
Thanks Trippin!

Dear Sugahorse,

Put me on your friends list and write me any time by PM. I'll keep your name in mind and whenever I see a post of yours in any of the forums, I'll reply. Getting involved here with other members in the anonymous way we work is one of the simplest ways of being able to talk about things you'd rather not talk about with your family and friends. Of course, keep in mind that what is said here, stays here. So you shouldn't have any worries in that connection. Do you really want to stay with a guy who treats you as you described? Just from what you said in your post, he sure doesn't sound like a bargain to me. Do you have your own place, where you can retreat if necessary? Do you go to school or do you have a job, or neither? Do you have family in the area or are you on the outs with them? Sorry for all these questions, but I'm just trying to find out about your situation so me and others here on PC know what to say to you. I certainly hope that your situation improves and that PC'ers help you in any way they can. If you want to you can communicate with private messages to any other PC member, but you'll get a wider range of responses by starting a thread in any of the emotional disease forums. Take the best of care.

Thanks Ygrec.
I stay with him, and my parents are about 1/2 hour drive away. I own 2 flats - one is an investment and has a permanent tenant, and the other I stayed in when we broke up 18 months ago. I have since put a tenant into that flat, who has a lease. So it's a case of moving back to my parents' for a while :-(
I do have a job, so I'm there 8-5 every day, which at least keeps me busy.
I'm just so numb right now. And this comes in the midst of me arguing on PC about my pdoc, who may be OK after all. She then decides I should stop my AD's, which scare the hell out of me, but I'm too scared to phone. I prefer e-mail.
I haven't heard from him, and work finishes in 1 hour. Then I guess I'm off to my parents' place.

Im so sorry your going through this right now. Please hang in there for your own sake. We love you here at PC. Fee free to pm me anytime. I think we are way off in time zones but Im here anyways. Sending you calming thoughts and prayers.

(((((sugahorse)))))

I would find a way to pack what you need when he's not there and stay with your parents. If it's his home, vacate it, stay with parents, until one of your flats become available again.

Sounds like he has violent tendencies and that sure won't help you mentally OR physically.

I've have found that those who accuse are actually the perpetrator. Be careful, don't assume, but don't be surprised. The accusation lessens their guilt and takes the focus off of them if the secret exists and/or gets revealed.

Take care of YOU!!! No other person is worth your health and well being.

I'm soooo sorry this is all hitting the fan for you right now. Good thoughts in the above posts and you will also be in my thoughts. Hoping things start looking up VERY soon for you!!!

Thanks guys.
I've spent Wed night with a friend and Thurs with my parents. Now he wants to talk about things. I want a committment from him that it won't happen again.
Psychologically I think I just totally switched off - I really didn't feel much. Maybe my brain's way of coping.
In the past I have made mistakes. He caught me having an affair, which while it is not acceptable, stemmed from me wanting someone to love me.
It's damn hard being in a relationship, yet still feeling lonely and unloved. He was so selfabsorbed with work issues at the time, and I was the last thought on his mind. I was wrong - I know that. We called it quits, and after 6 months got back together. I really thought that after thrashing through the past, laying everything out on the table, we were starting afresh on a clean slate. I had an emotional breakdown during that time, landed in hospital after an OD cos I thought I'd lost everything - I've really learnt some hard lessons, but have come back a new person with new perspectives. I have changed and I'll never do that to him, anyone or myself again. I just wish he'd believe it and me

Seems it was time for you to leave. I have been where you are. I am so glad you got out of there. I pray you stay safe. PM me anytime.

Thanks NF and Trippin.
I needed to get out at that time, but I don't think my heart can really leave for good.
My first mission will be to get to the bottom of the drinking thing and get him to rationalise his actions. He's 37, has a child from an ex-wife he never sees, and another 12 year old girl born out of wedlock that he sees at least every second weekend when she stays with us - this call for a certain level of responsibility from him dammit!

Yeah, you're right...he needs to pull up his socks!!!

I know I might sound like a total ***** but no way in hell is my daughter's "dad" ever having access to her again!

Even though he's got a drug/alcohol abuse problem, I never stopped him from visiting her, but made it clear that he's either THERE or he ISN'T, this convo took place in October 2009...he CHOSE to visit 2 weeks ago! Like WTF is up with that?? Do you conveniently remember twice a year that you have a daughter???
My mom chased him away THANK GOD
She's only 6 but wants nothing more to do with him and I support her decision!

Guess my point is... guys are sO quick to blame the mom when they have zero relationship with their kids, mine chose all on her own to cut ties with her "father", your bf should be careful suga.

I'm so sorry you're going through this! Here is my thoughts. If he can't let go of the past, there will never be a future for you guys. If he throws up you having an affair in your face all of the time, that isn't healthy for you. Take care of yourself first, if you don't, being in a relationship is going to be difficult. I hope everything gets better for you!

I'm sorry to hear things are bad
you have some hard choices in front of you. Stay strong and respect yourself, no matter what you have done wrong in the past you do not deserve to live afraid of being hit.
We are here for you

Dear Sugahorse:

With all the hostility he seems to be piling on you, with the relatively detached manner he treats his own children (from different mothers, if I understand correctly), with his serious drinking problem, and with all these difficulties being apparently of long standing, it really doesn't sound as if you need this guy, that he's good for you, that you can receive from him what you need from a partner. How can you possibly think you can change him? I'm a guy, and I don't know why, but it seems that guys don't have the same earnest belief in their own efficacy at altering partners who need to be changed to give you what you need. Be realistic. Has he ever given you solid reasons to believe that he's open to change? Open to change for your needs? Give it some solid, basic thinking before you make your final decision. And keep it up before you get to your solid, basic conclusion. I'm like all the other PC'ers here, I'm on your side.

Take care!

Hi there all - thanks for the replies.
I gave him 2 days space to think about things. To get a bit lonely and miss me, thereby hopefully appreciate what I bring into our relationship and therefore what he stands to lose should he choose to not change. I'm not sure why I short change myself...
We had a good chat on Saturday, and he's not an idiot - he realises where he's overstepped the line. The ball is really in his court to make the changes. We had a quiet weekend together and it went off well. Now to just see how long it stays this way.
Thanks for the support and kind words when I really was at my lowest
I do just need to keep sight of the fact that I am number one - i shouldn't treat myself any less and neither should anyone else.

Now I'm just feleing plain exhausted, even after 9 hours of sleep.
Can't seem to shake the depressive phase and also back to battling with anxiety, agitation and irritability. Gee, I thought I had a short fuse, but now I know that I have a genuine excuse as to why I feel this way!

(((sugahorse))) I'm here for you if you ever want to chat!