[thinker22]

Does anyone else feel this way? I have everything I could ever want and yet I dread waking up in the morning.

A little backstory: I go to school part time and work part time and am currently on disability for bipolar and PTSD. I feel bad that I had to apply for disability, but I simply couldn't make enough money to pay for rent and groceries after a forced hospital visit in December '08, about six months before I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. The stress and med changes/side effects made me unable to work for more than a day and a half on good weeks. I spent all my free time doing my school work and that was extremely stressful even though I've only ever had 2 classes at a time.

Now it's summer and I still work a day to a day and a half per week. The rest of the time I am anxious and depressed and not sure what to do with myself even though I have tons of things I could be doing. All of the options make me freeze. I go online, check my email, eat breakfast, and then bam, there are still 5 hours until I can take my afternoon walk. The time terrifies me. I'm not a lazy person. I worked yesterday and the day before that I painted and biked and hiked. Other days I write and read and watch movies. But still, under it all I am depressed and anxious. Even when I'm "killing time" I'm thinking about the next block of time that I'll have to kill and it overwhelms me.

My p-doc prescribed an anti-anxiety benzo which I'm taking only when I really need it. I've also started back on an anti-depressant because I came off of it by myself in mid-May, but obviously I still need something in that category with my depression spiking over the past week. I had been on 6 meds in April, was down to just 1 psych med (Geodon) a week ago. Now I'm up to 3 again with Wellbutrin and diazepam. They are barely helping, but perhaps I haven't given them enough time to kick in.

Just looking for some support. I wish I could stop worrying about time. It's not even a physical entity. It's a physics dimension. Time seems to be my enemy. Most people want more of it. I wish I had something all consuming like when I was manic last summer with all of my projects so that time was my friend again. Okay, I'll stop now. Thanks for any thoughts.

Originally Posted by thinker22

Does anyone else feel this way? ... The rest of the time I am anxious and depressed and not sure what to do with myself even though I have tons of things I could be doing. All of the options make me freeze. I go online, check my email, eat breakfast,.... I'm not a lazy person. .... But still, under it all I am depressed and anxious. Even when I'm "killing time" I'm thinking about the next block of time that I'll have to kill and it overwhelms me.
...I wish I had something all consuming like when I was manic last summer with all of my projects so that time was my friend again. Okay, I'll stop now. Thanks for any thoughts.

Yes, so much of it. I'm having massive heaps of time with not having to be anywhere or do anything (like MASSIVE). While I keep somewhat busy with cleaning or little projects or errands, the rest of the time I find myself just going around and around with basically unproductive time fillers. Having NO idea what to do with myself. Like going 'round and 'round online between 3 sites. This is the only one that's worthwhile. The other 2 I don't know why I even bother. Could be... should be... looking more for a job (have a VERY few hours one currently). But anything of substance?? You put it perfectly... "makes me freeze". The only real difference is that I'm nearly oblivious to time. Don't see chunks to fill, so much as just droning along in... well, like a stupor. Which, back to the feelings in common, makes me depressed and anxious.

Have been wishing so hard lately for a good hypomania like the one last summer (about this time!!!) that went on for a month and a half. There were "moments" to be sure, but the energy? The (over)confidence? The getting stuff DONE all over the place? Yeah, that.

Feeling just totally overwhelmed. Time that I can't seem to utilize, anxiety, at the limit of rejection tolerance (when I have managed to rally even a little, have had so many roadblocks I so dread the thought of subjecting myself to it, even though I really really have to deal and do it, as my back comes ever closer to the wall.) Ugh. Time, being frozen, anxious and depressed. So hear you.

[Moreta]

I too have been feeling the same way lately, since I've been out of work on medical leave. There's so much freaking stuff to do, but I don't want to do any of it. I think there's a couple reasons for my not wanting to do anything; no more adderall, no more work, only being able to do things for like 5 minutes at a time or I start melting and get dehydrated, feeling overwhelmed, etc...

I just sit around and do nothing. It drives me crazy. I've been trying to keep myself busy, with random activities like painting or watching TV, but there's just too much time.....

[thinker22]

I think the key for me is getting back into my writing. It is very time consuming and I get so caught up in it that I don't even watch the clock. This morning (after reviewing some other people's poetry on the site where I post my work) I wrote two poems and started to write a short story and before I knew it, it was 1pm. Then I took a bike ride at 2pm after I ate lunch. We went grocery shopping and now it's after 4 and time for my afternoon walk. If only I can have the discipline to sit down and just let the words flow and not be constantly judging everything like "That isn't any good," or "Why did you use that word?" I guess that's what the second and third pass on writing is for, but I get all critical on the first pass. Anyway, I think I'm going to make it today. Thanks for letting me know that I'm not alone. You guys aren't alone either.

[Moreta]

My husband is the same way with his writing, if only he would do it more. He's not BP, but he has ADD, so he tends to zone out a lot on what ever he is doing at that particular time. I myself have perfected the equation for essays for school, and that's about the extent of what I can write. I've tried writing before, and was told that what I had written was "too wordy." But then again I have problems writing on the 8th grade level. I have gotten good at writing instruction manuals, but I usually have to edit it a couple times to get it down to the 8th grade level. I do enjoy thinking of what questions people will come up with. Best question ever: "I'm trying to fill in my budget, and I've been using the numbers on the top of the key board since the number pad isn't working." Me, "Is there a green light on over your num lock? No, then press the num lock key." And that was from a VP!

What was the topic again? Oh yeah, writing and how bad I am at it. If you feel the need for non-critical judgment on your work, let me know, I can show you some of the stupid things I have written.

[Lauru]

I am trying to find a very part time job right now. Cause right now I do NOTHING. I mean I do a little cleaning and apply for jobs online, but otherwise, I am just counting down the time till I get to see my T again. Oh, and lucky me, she is gone for the whole month of July. Damn, what am I going to do now?

So time has been the monster on my back for a while now. I just keep trying.

[thinker22]

Hi guys. Thanks for your contributions. Time is still maddening, but I've managed to make it to 11:30 with a morning project. Last night I had really bad ideation and was up until about 2am. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm taking my meds, I'm trying to keep a positive attitude, but I feel like something inside is clawing about trying to get out and destroy my life. I don't want to wind up in the hospital but life and time is crushing me down. All I can do is try to preoccupy my mind to keep from what seems like the inevitable.

[allme]

(((Thinker))))

Yes I do sometimes feel that way.

I also find it hard to work full time... actually, I just dont because I cant handle it. So as I only work part time I find also that I have a lot of time on my hands and have struggled and got depressed at times because of it. What helped me was looking up time management.... I didnt think it but its not just people that have too little time to do stuff, it's also for people that have too much time on their hands and managing it accordingly. Google it and see if it helps

[greylove]

I'm right there with you all, only even more desparate. I lost my job when the mania set in big time. Hitting the tree got my license suspended, although I'm certain I won't drive or work again......too disabled with this Bipolar 1. I stay in bed until at least 10:30......then let my dog Magruder out, plus give him his morning snack. ( For the record, my husband takes him out at 4 am, when he leaves for work.) Then I usually munch something, talk to my sister or a friend on the phone, "read" the paper and then get onto PC. That occupies me until my husband gets back home around 3:30-4:00. I can't believe that I manage to pass time this way......I don't know what I would be doing without the computer to help keep me busy......I'm just not able to do much of anything else. Thinker22, I'm also trying to stay out of the hospital. My depression is starting to crush me again......

[thinker22]

I'm so sorry to hear that everyone else is suffering too. to all of you.

I have work today, but am highly anxious. I had to make a phone call about insurance coverage this morning and that has me all wound up. I don't have as much coverage as I did before and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't even know if my prescriptions will be covered in the future. But what can I do? At least I still have some insurance.

Thanks again all for your support.

[Karen1933]

I'm only suggesting...cause I can't relate to all that you suffer with, but has anyone thought of maybe volunteering? I know that may be too much, but what about an animal shelter? A soup kitchen?

Maybe even volunteer in your local mental health agency...

I honestly can't relate...I work all day...then take care of everything else and crises come up often being the single parent of a 19 yo bipolar daughter, but I just thought I'd throw that out there...