TRIGGER Falling down and it looks dark down there

I am having the obsessive thoughts again and the counting and checking is increasing. Plus I am thinking seriously about drinking and dying. I am not going to, but that pull is there. That pull that sucks me in time and time again, to where I can no longer see the light. I want to ****ing drink again, get really wasted and feel good, or at least not feel at all. I know I shouldn't and that it won't help and that I would lose everything good. I know better than that. But I still feel that way and I can't stop the thoughts. I don't know why I am writing this even, no one can help me. I am all alone in here, in my mind. I just want out!

Awww, Lauru... If there were any way I could reach through this screen and offer you a pull out of this, I would. Know what it is to be lost in one's own mind and consumed with deceptive thoughts. I'm also confident in the knowledge that you *do* know better than to have your thoughts draw you into their web. Strength is what I am fervently wishing you right now and sending you all good thoughts. Please keep us posted, ok?

((LAURU)) - hang in there. It's just the illness. And we have to find the strength and not let it get its grip on us.
I know it's hard. Hang in there - also sending you strength to get through this episode (Remember, episodes have lifespans and they will pass!)

(((Laura))) how are you?

Still in that same rut, depression and obsessions and compulsions. I went to my group today, it was ok. At least I have that, even if I don't have my T. I told myself that I have to hang in there till my T comes back. I don't want to go inpatient with her being gone. I will if I have to, but at least it is keeping me from doing anything rash. So yeah, that's about it. Thanks to everyone for caring and replying

Lauru! In your corner, oh yes! And happy to be so! Know what you mean about group. Though I go faithfully each week I often come out saying, "it was ok". Then sometimes it will surprise and something inspiring or useful will happen -- ya just never know! Regardless, am always glad it's there.

Know I've said it before, but will say it again -- I love love love your polar bears!

And will tell you a secret(!) I have a polar bear teddy bear. Yup, a full-on card-carrying adult, but it's true! And I adore the little guy! Oh, if that bear could talk!

Very much thinking about you and pulling for you, Lauru. Please remember that, ok?

Lauru - do you think it's time for a med tweak? When I finally get stable on some meds, the first thing I will do at the slightest sign of mania or depression, is call my pdoc. Obviously my brain chemicals and the meds are no longer working as a team.

In the mean time - keep your brain occupied with constructive things. Look after yourself and do things you enjoy.

Yeah, my pdoc is tweaking my meds right now, it will take a couple of months to see if it will work. So I am just trying to hang in there

I love the polar bears too, and it's cool that you have a polar bear teddy bear. Wish I had one sometimes.

Sorry to hear that you are struggling with this issue.

Please know that you are NOT alone in this fight. I hope that you continue managing and coping to not use in your battle.

Many of us with bipolar disorder often resort to alcohol/substance use and abuse.http://www.google.com/search?q=bipol...ubstance+abuse

I would like to see more topics posted in regards to fighting and coping with this issues. I'm fighting against substance dependence
myself. All too often i find myself giving into using.

So far it sounds like you haven't given into using, and for that you are to be commended.

I'm sorry Lauru you are having these feelings. It is part of being bp. I know that doesn't help, but keep in mind that this too shall pass. I know the feeling and was there not that long ago. It sounds like your will is strong. Keep your chin up and believe it will get better. Have you talked to your doctor about still having these episodes? You might need a med change. Wish I could hold your hand and help you through this. Wishing better days for you.

Thank you for your kindness. My pdoc is tweaking my meds. I am just having a rough go of it.

Thinking of you. Sorry to hear you are struggling. I too wish I could drink again on bad days. I don't think it will lift my depression, I just think it might make me feel differently and anything has to be better, right? But I can usually resist the urge, knowing that it interferes with my meds and my liver has enough to deal with. I hope your p-doc gets back soon and you can have a consultation. Sitting in the dark with your thoughts is a scary place to be, but we're all here for you, so you're not alone. I've nearly gone to the hospital several times in the last 2 weeks. Somehow I've made it through, but my meds still aren't right. I'm sleeping 12-16 hours a day on this new stuff Strattera. So I need the doc to get me something new quick. I don't want to sleep my life away and be listless even when I am awake.

Do whatever is best for you. If you can hang on, do so, but if things get too bad there is always the hospital. Your p-doc will be able to consult with them when she gets back.

Sending you big We're all in this battle together.

I'm also having meds changed (Well, actually starting from scratch) and it can be frustrating having to hang in there and wait so long to see results.
But we're all here for each other, we've all been there, and we really just need to keep strong and positive.

Lauru, just saw this thread.
I'm really sorry that you are struggling, I hope you can hold on till your therapist gets back. I also love your polar bears
Keep on going, this will get better, it always does. sometimes I give in a drink but it never helps... If it gets too much sometimes I will take some sedatives (not too many!!!) and sleep...
Be kind to yourself, we are here for you

How are you!?!?

Lauru, please give us an update, I hope you are feeling better

I have been struggling with depression, and bad OCD, so far I have been able to hide it from others, but I am worried it will start to show soon. I need work and really want one at Sears that I am up for, so please send me your well wishes for that! I haven't drank or taken anything I shouldn't. I also haven't SI'ed or attempted anything. So for now, I am hanging in there. I suppose if I don't get the job, things will really go bad. I have my second interview on Saturday morning. I hope I get it, I really need the money. It might help with the depression too, gettingout of the house and being active might really help.

My T is gone for two more weeks. I see her on Aug. 12. I am fearing now that something will go wrong and she won't be back, or might never come back! I don't know what I would do if that happened. I can;t think about it right now, the urge to do things is too strong. I need all my strength to fight it. Thank you everyone for the support and concern.

Wishing you strength and luck, Lauru! You are right on with not thinking about too much at once -- good strategy!

So depressed today I drank and mistook my seroquel. I called a hotline so I wouldn't hurt myself. Still out of the hospital and going to keep it that way unless they physically force me in.

So sorry you are struggling. I'm glad you called a hotline though and didn't do anything drastic. We would all miss you here. Take care of yourself. Do what you got to do to stay well.