How I Feel Today. . . Open to all.

Whine away and don't apologize! That's what this place is for - unconditional whining!

Anxiety through the roof again today. Barely made it to work. Wanna SI bad.

Sorry to those who are feeling bad today. Hold on. You can make it. One minute at a time.

Me: doing great. The Cymbalta is building up in my system and my depression is at its lowest ever. In fact, the mood tracker said for the first time since last summer that I might be in a manic phase. Ha...I wish. Not really. I'm still sleeping long hours and my mind isn't racing, so I'm ignoring that assessment. Not looking forward to working tomorrow, but I'll get over it.

I was doing really great - went and worked on the newsletter at my volunteer "job"...they love me and are thrilled that I have a lot of different skills...then I went to Costco (I always hold off til I'm out of coffee, then I have to go), and they have Christmas stuff out. Instant depression trigger! Home now, and a little better, but still kind of blue...

Tired, depressed and racing thoughts. I've been dealing with insomnia for the last few months. I feel exhausted when I lay down but cannot stop moving when I do so. Taking Ambien 10mg. to help but can't take it forever. Lamictal has titration is still in the works. Not motivated to do anything but do it anyways. Just going through the motions.

I just uped my Zyprexa from 5mg to 10mg and all the benefit of the initial dose has returned. My mood has definitely stabilized. The new dosage has pulled me out of a 3 week depression and kept the angry/irritable mania at bay! Just wanted to brag and encourage everyone if they haven't found the right meds to keep trying and working with their doctor to find the right med. Keep up the hope!

How I feel today is like I have finally dove off the deep end, have not been to sleep yet and it is 5am my time. Do not feel like sleeping at all because of the type of self-medicating I have participated in yesterday and into the night. I know my body needs the rest, took an ativan maybe that'll help....

I feel okayish today. I don't feel like doing very much. The grey weather and rain forecast all day doesn't help. I used my S.A.D. lamp this morning. I am fairly calm and that is good. Started off the day with a winning game of Scrabble on facebook. Got my winning percentage up to 50% for the first time.

Feels like a day of computer and TV. I have to get out tomorrow. I need to fetch my prescription from the pharmacy. If the weather brightens at all, I will walk to the GP surgery and make appointments for my annual diabetes review.

I feel tired and frustrated that I can't get to sleep.

leah good for you for wanting to make changes. Take it one step at a time and take care as you do it.

sundog you're not whining. That is what we are here for to be able to talk out our emotions. I hope the med change doesn't effect you like last time and I hope it helps improve your mood.

Z welcome to the thread. Post all you like and may you find the support and understanding that I have found.

Andy congrats on making it in to work. I know how that can be a large task to overcome. Keep strong in your battle against SI.

thinker I'm glad you are still doing good. It is great to hear and makes me hopeful that I can be the same one day.

PT52 sorry your good day went south. It is awful early to have out Christmas stuff. Hope your mood continues to improve.

Sultry sorry things are not going so well for you. I can relate to just going through the motions. I feel like that almost every day. My heart goes out to you and hope you start feeling better soon.

Hanuman glad your med combo is working for you and you are doing well.

Denise still rooting for you. Hoping that this foul mood will pass soon. You deserve a break.

Clive glad you are feeling a little better today. I know the weather is not helping none. Hopefully it clears up and you can find the peace to enjoy it.

Merlin wishing sleep for you.


I woke up too early yet again this morning. I miss my sleeping in until 11 in the morning. There are just to many hours in the day to deal with. I just wish I could sleep the day away at times. I know there are things I could be doing, I just can't get motivated to doing them. I struggle with the chores I absolutely have to do. Being up this early makes me anxious and restless. It helps to be able to come here, but it only fills a couple of hours if that. I am so thankful for all of you here on PC.

I'm actually in a great mood due to the self-medicating but it may not be the type of medicine I should be involved in....

Glad you're feeling better, Denise On the flip side, please be careful about that self-medicating!

Hugs for everyone that feels bad or even blah today; kudos for everyone that's having a good day. Wish I could be more specific, but don't have much energy today.

The hubs is coming by the house on his way to somewhere (for work)...I think it's Ontario...anyway, really tired, depressed, but anxious how he's going to be. Have low expectations...think he will be polite and careful about what he says, but I don't expect to see the guy that was madly in love with me any time soon...

It's great that quite a few folks are feeling good or at least okayish today! Good going ((((Thinker))))) (((((((Hanuman Dass)))))) and ((((((((Clive))))))))!!

And glad you were feeling great (((((((((PT52)))))))))) and I hope things go as well as possible with the hubs later

Glad too that ((((((Denise))))) is having some good feelings and really hope it's possible to maintain them without too much SM'ing

((((((((Andy)))))))))) I really hope today is a better day for you.

((((((((SultrySorrow)))))))) Really sorry you're not doing well and I hope the medication kicks in and you're able to get some sleep.

(((((((((Merlin))))))))) Sending you good thoughts!

(((((((VJ)))))))))) Sorry you aren't able to sleep in for so long right now and that being up early makes you anxious. Well done for doing the chores you have to do. I know how hard it is when our motivation is gone! I hope yours returns soon! I am very grateful for PC also!

I'm feeling kind of blah today. I am lacking motivation and I'm just sitting at my desk not really getting anything done. There is work I need to be doing, and there are also plenty of other things I could/should be doing, but instead I'm just sitting here. Entire days go back like this where I get nothing - or very little - done. I am very compulsive about using the computer - and I love the internet! - but I have a problem knowing when enough is enough. I have a problem getting up from the computer and going to do other things that I need to do. And then I end up feeling guilty because I've been so unproductive and neglected other things.

On the positive side, the computer is often (not always) a powerful distraction from my anxiety. I think that's why I'm so hooked on the computer. I will do anything to get a break from my anxiety!!! I just wish I could find other, more productive distractions as well. And sometimes I think the computer makes it harder for me to focus because my tendency is to flit around between different sites absorbing lots of different information, rather than focusing on just one thing. And when I'm not on the computer I find I feel restless and I miss that constant searching for information and I find it hard to focus on anything (if that makes sense!!)

I still feel awesome. I already mentioned, but yesterday was the first time in a full year that I got a "you are possibly in the manic phase of your bipolar disorder" on the mood tracker. I think it will be the same today. I'm almost hypomanic, but I feel so good I don't want it to be a sign that I'm going to trip into mania. I just want to feel this way normally always.

Hugs to everyone.

I had really bad anxiety since wednesday. It really spiked last night and I ended up SI'ing. Today its better but I still feel uneasy.

Hehe, me too, PT52 -- and I just got back!

How I feel.... So.... graveyard shifts, right? Intention: get some good sleep, even if it's not the "usual" time. 1st night. Just fine. (I have no trouble whatsoever staying up). Got home charged up, vibrating a bit, talking to BF a mile a minute and some silliness. Went to bed "hearing" a radio sports broadcast, as if it were from a next door apt. that wasn't happening. It might have been ears reacting from being by a noisy machine all night, you know? Slept about 3 hours. Woke up extremely silly and laughing hysterically at every stupid thing. Think it was more a "punch drunk" kind of thing though. Had a bunch of stuff to do w/ BF, ran around all afternoon. Got to bed pretty early, looking very much forward to a glorious "real" night of sleep. Boss called. Changed schedule, surprise, you're on! Grrr. That phone had better not ring tonight!!! Honestly, can't even calculate sleep hours. Totally confusing. Suffice to say, very little. Overall, feel kind of zonky, but noticed a kind of antsy irritability with people out and about. Hope that schedule stays put to normalize this as much as possible. Think the job's winding down, so just have to ride it out.
Long and short: don't think I'm going hypo, but keeping an eye on it. Now if I could just keep straight what flippin' day it is!

to everyone having a rough time right now.
And wishing a long continuing positive time for those who are doing well.

Denise I'm glad you are having a good day, wish it wasn't from self medicating. You really deserve some happiness in your life.

PT52 sorry things are not going so well for you. Hoping for your mood to lift and things go well with your hubs.

sundog sorry you are having a blah day. I can understand where you are coming from. I know that feeling all to well. Hoping things get better for you. Don't be to hard on yourself for not getting those things done.

thinker I'm really happy you are feeling so great. I really hope it doesn't take you to a manic state.

Andy I hate to hear things got the best of you and wound up SI. I know how difficult it can be to fight that beast. I hope you can win that battle in the future. Glad you are feeling a little better today.

Innerzone glad you are able to keep up with things even with the lack of sleep. I hope for your sake your schedule doesn't change again. Glad your mood is pretty good and hoping your not going hypo.


Up early again today. I hate that this is becoming a norm for me. I really hate all the hours I have to face during the day. If I could get motivated and do something it wouldn't be so bad. I struggle to do the things I have to do. I stay so bored which makes me anxious and restless. I try not to take my klonipen because I don't want to become addicted or it stop working. I usually end up taking one though when it gets unbearable which seems to be more frequent lately. I wish I could just find something to occupy my time. I feel so frickin lazy because I don't do the things I should. I can manage to make myself to do the no choice but to be done things but I can't seem to force myself to do the other things like cleaning house. I'm really starting to get irritated with myself because I'm not functional like I used to be. I can only imagine what other people think of me. I worry my husband will get tired of picking up my slack. He is very understanding but everyone has a limit. I know most of this is in my head but I can't shake my feelings. Oh what I would give to be back to my old self. I'm so tired of struggling to be half way normal.

Vjd: So sorry you aren't feeling good enough to do much of anything. I have a very understanding partner too and I couldn't help but feel guilty when he did all the cooking and cleaning. Actually, even though I'm in a better state he still does it. He says, "I'm not doing anything I wouldn't have to do just for myself." But I still feel bad and like I should contribute more. However, I'm still easily stressed out and overwhelmed. Getting used to my new brain chemistry and if I was again feeling how you described feeling, I wouldn't be able to even think about helping out. So don't worry about what you can't do right now. Talk to your husband about your feelings. I think if he knows how badly you want to help, but just can't at this time, he'll be sympathetic. It's going to take me baby steps to even be able to cook a meal again and my mood is great.

Don't be so hard on yourself (easier said than done) because it will only deepen your episode. Big hugs.

So glad you're continuing to feel so good! ((((Thinker))))

I hope the worst of your anxiety is over ((((((Andy)))))

(((((Innerzone))))) Really hope your work schedule becomes less stressful soon and you can catch up on some sleep. Well done for managing things so well in the meantime!

((((((VJ)))))) I can really relate to what you describe here about feeling bored, anxious and restless, all at the same time!! And feeling frustrated with yourself. I'm in the same boat!! At least you are doing the things that have to get done. That is a big achievement right there! And I'm really glad your husband is understanding. I'm sending you good feelings and really hoping you feel better soon!!!

Today I went back to my original, lower dose of medication. I was on a higher dose for 2 days and I was just feeling so agitated and like I wanted to crawl out of my skin. Some of the feelings are so strange, I can't even describe them. And my thoughts feel strange too. It's really, really unpleasant. Yesterday I felt quite ill. I don't even know if it has to do with upping my meds. But something isn't right.

My pdoc says I need to get up to a higher dose to see if it will help. And I understand that I may experience some increased anxiety before the higher dose kicks in. But really, if the feelings are almost unbearable, I don't see the point in persevering with this medication. I just don't think this medication is going to help with my anxiety. So I've spent all morning researching other medications online and preparing an email to my pdoc about what I want to try next. The trouble is though, just when I think I've found a med I want to try, I read some horror story by someone who had horrible experiences on it. The internet is definitely a double-edged sword: so much useful info at our fingertips, but also scary stuff, and sometimes, unreliable info too. Now my head hurts and I'm no wiser about what to try next. But I still think my current med isn't working.

Oh well, at least I was distracted from my anxiety for a few hours!!!

Sending everyone good thoughts.

trapped hopeless afraid

For a change, I am feeling okay. I have had a few decent days. Nothing has changed but I will take it. It is very frustrating not knowing how the new day will go. I am thinking that it is better if I get up soon after waking. This seems to lessen the morning anxiety.

I did some grocery shopping this morning and took the chance to have a walk on the way. I did 30 minutes on my exercise bike yesterday...

Sorry to hear that, Sick. I hope you feel better soon..

I haven't slept in 22 hours because I forgot to take my seroquel yesterday and my anxiety is spiking BAD. I feel like I'm gonna hurl.

thinker thank you for understanding what I feel. It is hard not to be hard on myself. I know I should be doing more. It is just so frustrating.

sundog Thanks for your kind words. I'm sorry your meds are not working for you. I can relate to the increased feeling of anxiety. I've been battling it daily and it no fun at all. I hope your pdoc can find a med that will work for you soon.

sick I wish I could take those feelings from you. I hope you feel better soon.

clive I'm glad you are feeling a little better. I hope this feeling continues to increase for you.

andy I hope you can catch up on sleep tonight. Hopefully your anxiety will give you some relief soon to.


Well I go to my Pdoc tomorrow. It has been a long couple of months since I last seen her. So much has been going on with me that I don't know where to start. I just need to quit thinking about it cause it is causing me to stress out. My anxiety level is high today and still feeling rather restless. I just want to climb back in bed and sleep, only sleep won't come. Trying to deal with it the best I know how. The days seem to last forever. Ugh, it is driving me crazy. I just to be able to relax and find peace for a little while.

((((Clive)))) It's great you feel ok today. I can totally relate to what you say here about it being frustrating never knowing how a particular day will go. I am in the same boat. My moods and anxiety levels seem so random so much of the time. It adds to my anxiety not knowing how I'm going to be feeling on any given day. The good days are definitely precious though, and I'm glad you're having some!

(((((((((sick)))))))) I'm really sorry for the way you are feeling right now and I hope that changes soon

(((((((((Andy))))))))) Sorry you forgot to take your Seroquel and that messed things up. Do you have to wait 24 hours until you can take your next dose? I wish you peace!

(((((((((((vj)))))))))))))) Thanks for all your support! GOOD LUCK at your pdoc appointment tomorrow. I'm sorry your anxiety is high today and I really hope the session tomorrow goes well and that you find some relief very soon.

I started feeling better yesterday - perhaps because I lowered my dose of medication - and I was able to go for a run in the evening. Running is something I've done on and off my whole adult life and it almost always makes me feel better. In recent years I've had to run less because of various aches and pains and just generally getting older. Not long ago I went running and for the first time ever it seemed to lead to a panic attack afterwards. That really freaked me out because running has always been something good that I can do for myself and my mood. I don't know what happened but it was very scary to have this panic attack in that particular situation. And what tends to happen with me is that if I have a panic attack in a certain situation, then I begin to dread that situation because I associate it with panic attacks. Even before I started running yesterday I started feeling very anxious in case it happened again, even though it has only happened once in all the thousands of times I've gone running!

Sorry, I write too much!! Anyhow, last night I went for a run and everything was fine and that was a big relief and I even slept quite well last night and I feel ok so far today!

Hugs to all

hope everyone is doing well..wish I had the motivation to say more.

me...a blob of jello laying on the floor that no one sees and everyone steps on. sorry.