How I Feel Today. . . Open to all.

Sorry to all those who are struggling. I'm super stressed out about school assignments. I just need to chill, but after a full day of work and school I'm too drained to accomplish anything. Mondays are the worst. I will survive though. Hugs to all.

Welcome, A Fine Madness! (sooo hear you on the seemingly smallest thing having the potential to set off a meltdown... )
Oh WendyAussie, yes on the crying thing. I seem to not be able to do it when really needed either (then doesn't it happen at unexpected times...) Hard to understand (remember when it first started with meds...quite disconcerting).

Such as... last night. Two phone calls, very short and cryptic, about an hour apart. First one was when the day went from really good (in fact was thinking, "wow, this is really a geniunely good day!") to... well, rather a nightmare. Anxiety, panicking with the unknown, swirling thoughts, wanting to cry and not being able to, not being able to know much and feeling helpless (though there were a couple concrete things that needed doing). Long story short (-ish) (and I don't want to go into detail)... BF got into... quite a bit of trouble. And the bits I was told just didn't make sense. HOURS AND HOURS (like... 10) till the details. And what started it all was... at a loss to describe it, all he could come up with was, "some kind of nervous breakdown or something". He doesn't remember much of it and it's shaken him quite badly. He's had some mental stuff, but nothing like this. Guess the "upside" of my BP has been the ability to empathize and assure. Guess that's something.

(I almost hate to even write about this, but it's kind of eating me up for not being able to talk about it with anyone without judgement. I love him dearly and could not bear a word against him (or "commentary" on mental things). Though I won't go into detail, I can at least assure you that no one was hurt or anything.)

So... today has been full of anxiety. Pretty shook up. Not about the mental stuff --that I get. It's the potential repercussions. At least there's a reason for the anxiety. Guess that's better than random. Sigh.

i don't care how many people try to beat me down, or how popular or important they seem to be, i will keep on being me, and a better me every day, and there's nothing they can do to stop me~!

Gus, that's fantastic - just what I needed to read today!!

I have not felt good for a few days. I am feeling anxious, particularly in the mornings. I am going on vacation on Thursday and I hope it doesn't affect my trip. I am in survival mode and trying not to put too much pressure on myself. I am going to concentrate on packing tomorrow. I have prepared a checklist.

I have my diabetes review at the GP surgery later today. That is today's most important thing to do.

My concentration is not great at the moment.

I haven't slept in something like 22 hours now and its going to be a lot longer before the day is over. Crap.

I am feeling GREAT today...I knew if I could trudge through the bad days I would start feeling better again!!! I have so much planned to do today...cleaning house, going by the school for my daughter, got a big dinner planned and working with the stupid puppy my boyfriend bought trying to get it housebroke. I cant believe I actually woke up at 6:30 this morning...I know my daughter loved it cuz I fixed her hair and put a little makeup on her, she was so happy

Clive ...Andydontsurf and I hope you have been able to get some good sleep...Welcome m lynn6! and yea!!!

Sorry to keep writing so much in here, but the thing with BF is sending me.... somewhere...don't know where exactly, but has me fearing it might set off an episode. Do.Not.Need. I so need to be there for him right now. This morning woke up early and within minutes was freaking out. Forgot I had moved my alprazolam, couldn't remember where and that sure didn't help(!) (Remembered where, TG...) Might be able to write more about this later (in starting a thread), but am not quite there yet. Besides, I have to go to work. Can't decide whether that will be a bad decision or if it will help occupy my mind enough to get through (which it usually does, TG). Aaaaaccckkk!!!
Had the "breakfast of champions" (not!) because I can't really deal with eating. Or making a lunch.
(Did at least think of a place to start with helping, but can't do it till later, which is frustrating.) Am very glad to have discovered this morning that psych appt. is in a week, which is sooner than I thought. Again, TG.) Sheesh. And the day has only begun....

(Uh oh! Someone else post! Please! )

"And the day has only begun".... And... no joke... it got worse. Wickedly bad traffic jams. Trying to figure out an alternate route and it was a replay of the "late for the long-awaited psych appt." scene. Meltdown. Turned around, as in... completely confused as to where I was. Map visually jumping all over the place....The ONE venue I was determined to never show any "problems", and there I was on the phone with the boss, completely freaking out. ****! ****! ****! Eventually got there, sobbing, gasping and shaking nearly the whole way. The work...um...not the best. The whole thing really just wrang me out. Fortunately it ended early and was really really glad to get the **** out of there and go home.

Since then, it's been good. A refuge of sorts. Too exhausted to think beyond the moment right now. Got reassuring hugs, watched some funny DVDs. Bummed not to receive a call back (after 3 msgs -- on a very serious time-sensitive thing!), but... I don't know. This has happened before --same place-- where... I *thought* I had some level of belonging and the total lack of response makes me feel like I don't matter at all there.) Good grief. What a day. Going to bed early for sure. Too much. Just too much. Feeling like the next 2 weeks have a high potential to break me.

So... Emotionally exhausted. Confused. Scared. About to be run over and have my life possibly turned upside down by powers I don't even know how to begin to stop. Very small.

Sorry Innerzone ... Big {{{hugs}}}

I think I am up too early to think that clearly. I reduced my Seroquel to cut down my anxiety. That worked fine but I was up at 4am. Not much danger of an up mood though. I wish !!

My vacation starts tomorrow and I needed a clear head for getting organized. If I hadn't cut the meds , i might have cancelled. Urrrgh

I am okayish. Just a bit fuzzy in the head. Too early to pack. Too early for breakfast. Too early for most things !!

It might be time to seek an alternative to the Seroquel?

Andy I hope you got some rest.

Lynn wonderful that you had such a great day. I hope the good mood stays with you.

Innerzone sorry you ha such a rough day. I hope today goes better for you.

Clive sorry you were up so early. I hope your day goes well. Enjoy your vacation.

I've been preoccupied for the last few days and have not been keeping up what has been going on here. Doing pretty good today other then a little restless. Wishing I still had something to occupy my time the rest of today.

Slow day at the clinic today... I need more distraction than this.

Gonna start topamax for further stabilization and hopefully some weight loss. Let's hope it helps because I'm not doing so great mood-wise.

Best wishes to all today.

That life is futile. If your friends are suppose to be supportive...then why do I have to ask them to support me?? Only to have the interrupt me when I'm talking about how I feel to ramble on about some asinine who really gives a care nonsense. (I'm struggling to keep my rant rated G) I don't want to come off as whiny and needed. I've always felt this need to be the "strong one". I'm starting to get emotionally tired. I'm so glad that I found somewhere to help me vent. Thanks everbody.

I hate mood swings. I had a great day yesterday. I was really ready for my vacation that starts today. I woke up this morning feeling anxious and thinking the world would end !! Can anyone relate?? I leave for the airport in two and a half hours and I may not get all replies until later. If anyone does read this in the next hour or so, I would appreciate an encouraging message. I feel a bit alone right now. or

Medicated I hope things picked up for you and you got the distraction you needed. I also hope the topamax lifts your mood and that it will also assist in weight loss. Being over weight does not help ones mood, I know from experience.

Madness your not coming off whiny or needy. We are all here to support each other in our time of need. I'm sorry you are not feeling supported by your friends. I hope you find the support you need here. I know it is not the same thing, but i hope it helps all the same.

Clive I am so sorry your mood turned south. Anxiety can be such a pain in the rear. Really hoping things turned around for you and your flight went well. You deserve to enjoy your vacation. Yes, I can relate to feeling the world is going to end or as I refer to it "impending doom". Sending relaxing vibes your way. Try to enjoy your vacation.


Today I'm just really tired. Woke up several times last night for different reasons and then woken up early this morning. My brain feels like it is in a fog. Probably will try taking a nap here in a bit.
Hope everyone has a good day!!!

(((((((((((((Clive))))))))))))))) I really want to leave you an encouraging message!!!! I hope that by now you are already at your vacation destination and having a great time!!! I think it's natural to be somewhat anxious on the day we leave for vacation. Even folks without any kind of mood disorder often get stressed about traveling. You are very brave to work through your anxiety and make the trip anyway. And I hope you will enjoy a really big pay off, namely, a wonderful vacation and all kinds of good feelings about yourself for doing this!!! Well done!!!!!! You can do it!! ((((((((((((Clive)))))))))))))

Big hugs to everyone else too!!

First of all, big big to everyone. Wanting to respond to so much more than I'm quite able to at this time... am thinking of all of you though, be assured of that. (Sorry. To be honest, I'm just kind of wrapped up in my head over my own troubles right now...)

So, today, not too bad. Got to work super early (to be absolutely sure not to have a repeat meltdown...). Went well despite having to work with someone I really dislike *and* having to deal with the most challenging configuration yet -- which went quite well(!!!) Overall, still a lot of anxiety, but considering the circumstances, to be expected. Still worried that the strain might set off an episode, but holding steady. Yea! Very fitful sleep last night...wake/snooze/wake/snooze etc all night. Bleh. Just now agreed to take one graveyard shift. _One_. So... no sleep again tonight for sure. Probably not a great idea, but I need to stockpile brownie points (and hours...) against next week's unavailability on 3 days (psych appt. (perfect timing), and going to court two days in a row over 2 different things. Witness one day, emotional support for my still very shaken up and unwaveringly beloved BF the next. Yeah, anxiety much?! )

The rest is unpleasant, but do-able. The second court thing? EXTREME stress. Still haven't decided if I'm even able to, or even *if* to post about what happened, though it is eating me alive and the most trying thing since being on the forums. Can't even really process it yet. So many unknowns. And they're big.

Holding steady though. Holding steady. TG for my meds.

Innerzone sorry you have so much o your plate right now. Take care of yourself the best you can. I hope all went well with your extra shift and you are getting some rest now. Also hoping all goes well with court. Sending you big hugs and a vote of confidence.

I'm just hanging in there right now. Don't have much to look forward to in life and it is really sucking right now.

vj! Hope it improves for you soon. Sending kitty-corner positive thoughts your way (NW to Florida... )

The shift went ok, though it was quite a reminder of why I got off them. Haven't really slept much -- 1 1/2 hours before, 3 after. So brain is a bad buzzy soup -- which is an odd state where it feels like I can't think at all, interspersed with moments of verbal surprises --like... how'd I pull *that* one out of this soup?! Typing is a challenge though...very dyslexic --compelled to correct though... Sleep was fitful, but here's a laugh (uh...kind of?). Guess what woke me up? Phone ringing. Another redundant damn question on the case I am subpoenaed (hello, dictionary! Lol.) for. Grrrr! Do not wake the bear!

So, so far, kind of grumpy and spacey. Will probably get nothing done today. No biggie.

Innerzone glad your shift went ok. Hope you have found time to catch up on sleep. Hope your weekend is going better.


Feel better today although I am still just hanging in there. Going stir crazy, wishing there was something I could do to get out and enjoy this beautiful day. Hmmm, wishful thinking.

Today I'm overwhelmed by homework... I don't even know where to start. I guess I'll begin with the things that are due first, even if they don't feel most pressing. I've just been dragging lately, but overall my mood is at least a little better than it has been, not great, but a little better...

Pretty good. I think I'm in my second to last revision of my essay. It's not even due until Wednesday and I did all the reading due on Wednesday too. I'm ahead in my homework. Yay. It will make this week less stressful. Now I will squander the rest of my day most happily.

Hugs to all (struggling or doing great).

Good job with the work, everyone!

I am functioning but feeling like doo doo. Flashbacks and depression are all over. My T is being a jerk. My Birthday is tomorrow. I don't ever want another birthday. All I get is pain. All I deserve is pain. But I want to live to 100 so I guess I get more birthdays.

Amazonmom, I don't think you deserve pain. Happy pre-birthday.

The illness is lying to you. You know that because you've had good days too. Cling to the hope of a better tomorrow. It's worth sticking around to see what's around the bend. Not always pleasant, but often exciting.

Hello, fellow "uppers" and "downers," I'm doing okay, all things considered. PC is helping me to keep motivated and optimistic about life. I look forward to checking in to see what's happening. I'm sad with those of you who are hurting and happy for the happy ones.

Please know that you're thought of fondly.