[ariatboot]

Can I just say I absolutely hate being having this (Bipolar II) Of course its the 'less severe' kind but I HATE IT! I am so sick and tired of having to listen to everyone's opinions on how I should be treated for having this. The one that is really getting to me right now is that one of my first counselors (I started seeing him before I was diagnosed) accused me of wanting attention from counselors. Now I really don't know if I can or cannot trust my own feelings. To make a long story short-I had a suicide attempt in the summer of '08 while I was in counseling with the above counselor and was hospitalized. I ended counseling with him and started going to another one. My second one (who I am currently still seeing) is great. This last summer once again I was feeling extremely suicidal and would have went through with it if a friend had not of stood behind my car until the police arrived.

So my 2nd counselor was out of town for two weeks and he suggested I make an appointment with someone while he was gone just to have someone to check in with and so I set up one with my 1st counselor. So I went in and basically I just filled him in on what had been happening the last two years and the recent suicidal feelings were brought up. He didn't believe me one bit. All he kept asking was if I was sure I wasn't making this up to get the attention of counselors.

And now I am totally freaked out. If there is one thing in this world that drives me absolutely insane is people who "fake" emotions/mental illness to get a free ride in life. I'm sure everyone knows who I am talking about, the people who don't want to work and get on welfare or the ones who want certain things (like being allowed a pet in an apartment that doesn't allow them) and use mental illness to get those things. I DO NOT want to be one of those people. And now I'm all sorts of confused because I am doubting my own feelings. I know I wanted to end my life but did I over exaggerate it for attention? My psychiatrist diagnosed me as having Bipolar II, but then you hear about the 'overuse' of this diagnoses. Can I even trust what I feel anymore? I mean if a licenced mental health professional suspects I am faking this for attention, it means its true-right?

So either I am some really selfish person who wants a ton of attention for having a mental illness (because we all know the attention that comes with a diagnosis is SO much fun) or.....what? The thing is the mood stabilizers and everything that has been geared towards treating bipolar has helped. I am seriously considering going off my medication just to see how I would do. If I truly am bipolar things would get worse and if I'm just looking for some attention I will get better. I guess then I will truly know the truth once and for all.

I really needed to vent about this whole thing and see if anyone else has ever had this issue come up and what they did about it.

[Amandas256]

Michelle, I don't advise you to go off of your med's without a p-doc knowing about it. That is dangerous especially after having suicide attempts. I'm sorry that your 1st therapist is such a jerk. It sounds like he doesn't need to be a therapist! Hang in there!

[hello9you]

I have been in similar situations where My P doc and my t all thought I was out for the attention. At the time I was a juvinile and at a juvinile mental institution center. I would basically go nuts and run around picking fights with the staff, then tryin to have inappropriate relations with some of the staff. It got really bad to the point where they just kicked me out because they thought I was "faking it". I, like you, do not wish to have all that fun, fun attention from being mentally unstable. I also agree that you shouldn't just stop taking your meds. If your going to do that be sure that there is someone that you know and trust that is completely aware of your BP to be there with you and to help you, just in case. Seein as you have had some trouble in the past with suicide, I really wouldn't want to hear that you really did go through with it and succeeded in it.
My honest opinion about your 1st T, is that you shouldn't necessarily ignore him, but not take it to heart either. Not everyone is going to understand why you do the things you do in the fashion that they do. What you need is someone who is openminded and willing to give you a shot. Your 2nd T seems to have helped you out quite a bit. If you have been seeing T #2 for about 2 years now, then you probably shouldn't go back to that 1st one anymore.
But like I said this is all just ideas in the air. I hope, at the least, that something in here was helpful to you.

Originally Posted by MichelleCampbell

Can I just say I absolutely hate being having this (Bipolar II) Of course its the 'less severe' kind but I HATE IT! ...My psychiatrist diagnosed me as having Bipolar II, but then you hear about the 'overuse' of this diagnoses. Can I even trust what I feel anymore? I mean if a licenced mental health professional suspects I am faking this for attention, it means its true-right?

(As an aside, I just need say that I do NOT believe BP II is "less severe". I could totally go on a rant about it. I do believe it is over-diagnosed, and still. Not to criticize your use of it. Truly. One does hear it after all! And it can make BP IIs feel even worse, you know? So, if this is the case for you, know that there are many experts who can spell out just how serious it can be for those who have it.)

Even licensed medical heath professionals are not infallible-- the very nature of MI makes perfection impossible for them. Hopefully they try their best, but at the end of the day, they are not the only one involved. True, sometimes they have to go with their best assesment and tell us hard things. We don't always want to hear them, but after careful consideration from ourselves (and perhaps those who are close, as they get to see far more of our behavior than any P-doc or T possibly could...) it is completely fair to disagree. They are one person.

The test you propose would not yield the answer to your question. The first one maybe, but not the second. I feel compelled to say this because I'd hate to see you go through all that for a faulty premise.

It's too bad your first counselor was the fill in! Good grief! I'm so glad your second one is great though! Good for you! That can make such a huge difference! The next time he is going on vacation, see if he can recommend someone else (not the first one!). Sounds like he (first one) gave you a very big setback! And who needs that???!!!

"Rant" away, Michelle! It's no problem. Everyone needs to be able to blow off steam and sometimes it's hard to find a safe place to do it. I hope that nothing I said comes off as the least bit harsh. Truly not my intention at all. When we doubt our perception, everything just gets so jumbled that it's hard to think logically and I just hate to see one person so tilt your world. If anything here helps "un-tilt", yea! If it doesn't, please disregard! Like above, I'm only one person and not even licensed, lol.

and welcome to the forums! There's a lot of support and learning from others' experience here! Keep us posted ok? You've got a lot to sort through right now -- is your good counselor back from vacation yet? Hope he can be a help to you in this!

[MadyJohannah]

Michelle, your first therapist sounds like a real winner. Wouldn't want to see that guy--ever. What a quack. I'm sure there are tons of people out there who have been misdaignosed with bp who just want attention. I have had a suicide scare in the past, though. My first year at college and I picked out a spot, the time of day, everything. But, I was too chicken to go through with it. I thank God for that now...I know he was on my side that day. I know this may not mean that much to you, but I don't think you should go off your meds now, at least not without a dr's approval, esp with what has happened to you in the past. These things also f-ing tick me off too . My whole family is like that, save my brother (who is my bff). "You probably just need a little time off, that's all. A week or two and you'll be back to normal", whatever that is. They just don't understand. Maybe you should monitor your behavior, or journal it, like I do. I have days when I think, "God, this isn't working!!! Meds aren't working and I'm getting worse. I HATE this!!!!!" But, I write that down. The next day, I may be fine. Anyway, my point is that if you monitor your everyday behavior, maybe you'll see a change, and if you don't, then you'll know. Good luck with everything!

A word: If you think you've hit rock bottom, just remember that you can only go up from there.

[blueoctober]

Michelle; I agree with Innerzone BP II can be just a severe and just as damaging as BP I. The difference is the diagnostic criteria. I also think it's natural to question if one is "really" sick and the fact that your previous t-doc was such a douche you may be more sensitive to questioning your feelings.

I constantly questioned if I was really depressed or was just being "lazy". Being lazy doesn't include suicidal thoughts or attempts, so I agree your symptoms are real. I wouldn't test the validity of your diagnosis by going off your meds. For me educating myself on bipolar helped me see the pattern in my own life. I can suggest a great book: "Bipolar Breakthrough" by Ronald Fieve. Hope that helps.

[Anneinside]

For me, having BPII with more depressive episodes than hypomania, I think it is very dangerous and severe. I know you can do some very damaging things while manic but the suicidal thoughts and intentions I have when depressed are damn serious.

[ariatboot]

My regular T got back yesterday. I had a call into him last week when he was gone so he set up an appointment for me first thing yesterday morning. I am still so very confused about everything and I'm having a really hard time figuring out what feelings/emotions/thoughts of mine that I can trust. I don't know and now it seems like everything is depending on how much I can trust my own self. I have always thought that I could trust my own feelings and emotions. Now that is all crashing down and I don't even know who I am.

Thank you everyone for your input.

You know, when there's a swirl of emotions, it's hard to sort out, so take it easy on yourself. Did you have the appointment yesterday or just set it up? How did it go (only if you want to say of course!)? With so much going on, it's a lot (too much, yeah?) to cover, but starting is progress and that is a good thing, even if it doesn't feel like it right off the bat, so good for you!

[ariatboot]

I had an appointment with my T yesterday (and another one later today) It wasn't the greatest session in accomplishing anything except talking about what happened during the session with the 1st T. It took me over 1/2 the session to even get out what went on because I feel so ashamed/embarrassed about the whole thing and trying to figure out if my 1st T was right or not. I mean if he was right then talking about it with my regular T would mean I am causing my own problems to seek out attention. So once I got it out and we talked about it my T wanted to set up another appointment with me but I couldn't figure out what to do (because of the whole 'is another appointment attention seeking' thing) so instead my T said he wanted to hear more about it and I set up the appointment for today. I'm so afraid to do anything because everything that I do can be seen as a ploy for attention and I will not do that.

The reason I have such a issue with the attention seeking thing is that I know there are so many people who really need the help and support from T and p-docs and so on but there are people who are out for the attention and make it hard for the ones who need the help to get it. I have a cousin who does claims she has all these medical/mental problems to get the attention from the family. I know how frustrating it is to drop everything because she has threatened to commit suicide and when I get there she admits she just wanted the attention. I haven't even told my family about my suicidal thoughts/feelings/attempts because they would have a hard time believing me from what they have experienced with my cousin.

I don't want to be attention seeking and in some way actually take up a T time when there is someone out there who really does need the help. I don't know if that makes sense or not but I feel like I'm stuck trying to figure out my own feelings and I cant help but wonder if I am causing someone else the pain that comes from needing people to care and help them when they are in a crisis but instead they have no one there to help them because someone else has 'cried wolf' too many times.

[LostSavant]

This is a letter describing Fibromyalgia to people who do not suffer from it, but it can be modified to fit other situations. I hope it helps you or someone.

There are the things I would like you to understand before you judge me...
Please know that being sick doesn't mean I'm not human. I may spend most of my day flat on my back and I might not seem like great company, but I'm still me stuck inside this body. I worry about school, work, family and friends and I'd still like to hear about yours.
Please understand the difference between "happy" and "healthy". When you've got the flu you probably feel miserable but it will pass. I've been sick for for so long that I can't afford to be miserable all the time, in fact I work hard at not being miserable. So if I sound happy, it means that I'm happy, it does not mean that I am well. I may be in pain and sicker than ever.
Please, don't say, "Oh, you're sounding better!".
I am not sounding better, I am sounding happy. If you want to comment on that, you're welcome.
Please understand that being able to stand up for five minutes, doesn't mean that I can stand ten minutes, or an hour. It's likely that five minutes has exhausted my resources and I'll need to recover - imagine an athlete after a race. They couldn't repeat that feat right away either. With a lot of diseases you're either paralyzed or you can move, but with Fibromyalgia it gets more confusing.
Please repeat the above paragraph substituting, "sitting up", "walking", "thinking", "being sociable" and so on ... it applies to everything. That's what a fatigue-based illness does to you.
Please understand that chronic illnesses are variable. It's quite possible (for me, it's common) that one day I am able to walk to the park and back, and the next I'll struggle to reach the kitchen.
Please don't attack me when I'm ill by saying, "But you did it before!".
If you want me to do something, ask if I can and I'll tell you. In a similar vein, I may need to cancel an invitation at the last minute, if this happens please don't take it personally.
Please understand that "getting out and doing things" does not make me feel better, and can often make me worse. Fibromyalgia may cause secondary depression (wouldn't you get depressed if you were no longer able to participate in life?) but it is not caused by depression. Telling me that I need exercise is not appreciated or correct - if I could do it, I would.
Please understand that if I say I have to sit down/lie down/take these pills now, that I do have to do it right now - it can't be put off or forgotten just because I'm doing something. Fibromyalgia does not forgive.
Please understand that I can't spend all of my energy trying to get well. With a short-term illness like the flu, you can afford to put life on hold for a week or two while you get well. But part of having a chronic illness is coming to the realization that you have to spend some energy on having a life now. This doesn't mean I'm not trying to get better. It doesn't mean I've given up. It's just how life is when you're dealing with a chronic illness.
If you want to suggest a cure, please don't. It's not because I don't appreciate the thought, and it's not because I don't want to get well. It's because every one of my friends has already suggested every theory known to man. I tried them all, but quickly realized I was using up so much energy trying new treatments I was making myself sicker, not better. If there was something that cured Fibromyalgia, all of us would know about it by now.
If you read this and still want to suggest a cure, submit it in writing but don't expect me to rush out and try it. If it is something new, with merit, I'll discuss it with my doctor.
Please understand that getting better can be a slow process. Fibromyalgia entails numerous symptoms and it can take a long time to sort them all out.
I depend on you - people who are not sick for many things but most importantly, I need you to understand me.

[LostSavant]

If the letter to the Norms that I sent you here doesnt help maybe this website can:
http://notdoneliving.net/openletter/options
Best wishes (hugs)

[Anneinside]

Do you believe you are having problems coping with life? Are you depressed, anxious, manic, paranoid? If any of the answers are yes, then forget about attention seeking, seek out the attention you need.