Undiagnosed bipolar

I am 51 yrs.old & was recently diagnosed with bipolar II after years of depression & out of control behavior ( mostly destructive to finances & my marriages)
I was listening to a psychiatrist on WNPR radio and he was discussing how most people with bipolar go to their primary care dr. when they are depressed( versus manic) and get antidepressants without ever seeing a therapist or p. dr. which will not solve their problem and in many cases make it worse, which is what happened to me. He also discussed the lack of psychiatrists available to help which I found to be true where I live.
There are zero psychiatrists in the city that I live in even though there are many medical offices, and it is the capitol of my state.

I am finally getting therapy and have an appt. for medicine evaluation next week. I can't help but think that alot of the suffering and problems that I caused all these years may have been avoided with an earlier diagnosis.
Have any of you had similiar circumstances to mine?

It has taken me a long time to realize that Major Depression isn't my only issue. I've always thought my hypomanic episodes just meant that the depression lifted and I was doing well.

Also, I have BPD, so my emotions are shards in a blender.

Totally! I'm 52 and was only diagnosed BP this July. I had been on Prozac for a couple of years - prior to that I toughed it out (not a good idea, since I had years of irrational behavior, including panic attacks, depression and hypomanic phases in which I was quite productive but drove everyone else nuts!). The Prozac worked good for a while because I was in a depressive state, then it sent me into something that was hypomanic with spikes of manic. I'm now on Lamictal and it's doing great for the manic, but I have short depressions that are way more intense than before. The thing is, BP is hard to diagnose - especially BP II. There are a lot of symptoms that mimic other diseases - depression, of course, and anxiety, ADD, Borderline Personality Disorder. You can still get the proper meds from your GP, and even get online therapy if you need to. A lot of the therapy treatments for BP II are behavioral or cognitive (or both) and because they are about doing things, you can also get books and work through them yourself. I learned about Dialectical Behavior Therapy on this forum and got a workbook. It's really great and you start doing exercises right off the bat.

Anyway, the best thing to do is to get the right diagnosis and the rightt meds, try some kind of therapy, keep coming here (everyone is GREAT), and try to put the past behind you. Onward and upward!

Hi roxiesmom333; I'm glad you decided to post. I have had symptoms for many years (I had my first attempt at 8 years old). At 31 I finally went to my GP and was put on anti-d's that put me in a mixed state, I was found attempting and I ended up being hospitalized for 6 weeks where I received my diagnosis.

At times it bothers me that my parents didn't seek out help for me when I was in their care (my mom has been diagnosed BP since I was a kid), but in some ways I'm glad I had some years of not having to take daily meds, thinking about the illness, determining how to tell a new boyfriend, friend etc. about my diagnosis. Not having people at work questioning whether "I'm well" that day. It gets tiring, but I know if I had left this illness without treatment any longer I wouldn't be alive.

I guess I can see both sides of it.

Thanks for sharing your story and advice. I have never heard of Dialectrical behavior therapy and I will check it out.

Thanks everyone for your replys. I am reading alot about Bipolar and I am determined to do everything I can to help myself and have a better future. Hope you all have a great day!

I was diagnosed a couple of years ago but just now really learning to accept it. I look back over my life and wonder how long I've been this way. I was a very self destructive teenager. Made alot of bad choices and all I was ever diagnosed with was depression. I wonder if I had been treated when I was younger if I would I finished high school and made something of myself. So I can understand the what if's with just being diagnosed. Hope they can get you on the right meds and things get better for you soon.

Thanks vj! I love coming here to talk and get support, but one of the greatest things is that "aha" moment when I can look back and quit blaming myself for stuff that happened many years ago, and wasn't my fault!

still trying to get my daughter diagnosed properly schizoaffective and bpd etc but i know
she is bipolar god i live her i know what she has yet no one will lput her on bipolar meds lithium anything why

I could have written every sentence that you wrote.It is so eyeopening now when I think about all the things I did and also thought I was self destructive. I can especially relate to what you said about your lost potential. I was an excellent student but never went past high school. You know that you can't waste time looking back but it is tough to absorb. It is incredilbly comforting to me and uplifting to talk to other people who can understand what I've been through. Thank you so much for sharing with me.

Hi Amy- Thanks for replying to me. Are you getting help? I know exactly what you mean about the hypomanic episodes. I hope you are having a good day. Joanie

I get angry when I think about what could have been avoided in my life had I been treated a long time ago. I was a horrible teenager....I managed to get through high school and go to college,but my progress was one step forward and two steps back, all cycling around my state of mind. The person I think I hurt the most was my family and it makes me hate myself. I wish I could go back and at least applogize for my actions, but I have done to much damage to some people...I dont think it would matter. I would move my family to start over where nobody knew me thinking that would make everything better, but it didnt. Only treatment. I have to drive and hour and a half away to see my doctor, but it is like going to chemo...you just have to do it, or else.

Hoooo, yeah, roxiesmom333! I can very much relate. Misdiagnosed (early 40's) with MDD by GP (yup, in midst of huge depressive phase with multiple panic attacks each day. Didn't know what was going on and thought it was some kind of heart and breathing condition, not to mention just staring and crying and wanting to off myself). Was prescribed ADs. A few different ones and at various doses. Made it worse, oh yes. Went on for 2-3 years. Kept blaming myself that they weren't working. WTH is wrong with me? Why isn't this working?! Didn't know what exactly was going on, just that things were worse (will spare you the details(!) ). This was before I knew about BP at all and didn't get that it was speeding up my cycling and making them even more extreme until learing about BP. Finally decided that something was very wrong and decided to learn more. The part that pissed me off the most about being misdiagnosed as MDD was that she only said 3 words (3 words!!!) to screen for BP. "So, no highs?". I was a total mess at the time and had NO IDEA what she was talking about.... drugs??... that I'll be happy tomorrow?? It didn't even occur to me to clarify as I was trying (and not succeeding) to keep it together long enough to just get the hell out of there.

So back to the revelation. In reading, I came upon BP II. HOLY COW, THIS IS AN EXACT DESCRIPTION OF MY LIFE!!! No doubt about it. I cried. So powerful. It was like someone had seen my whole life and almost into my very soul. (Crying now, remembering it.) So, ramped down the ADs (yeah, w/o supervision, but at this point I realized just how clueless my GP was in this area, and she was already trying to push something else at me. Enough!). At the beginning, she had given a reference for a Pdoc, which I'd ignored. At this point though, I knew it was time to consult a proper specialist. Went in well prepared, having written down all the stuff I could think of over the years *and* a mood chart (kept up ever since). Totally classic case, going full swing at 20 years old. Hehe, only downside was that at the time I was in a big hypomanic phase, bouncing on the couch and didn't want to take meds(!) Yup, invincible! She suggested some supplement stuff (no effect whatsoever, btw), and said (knowingly), "call me when you change your mind". Sure enough, awhile later, started crashing fast and hard and was desperately scrambling to stop it. I'd spent most of the previous 2-3 years in hell and didn't fancy a return ticket!

Yes, the regrets, the "what ifs". So much pain, so many years, just shoved down, ignored and denied. So very many years of beating myself up about not being able to just "get it together" like other people and control myself. Buck up! Control yourself! That's what everyone said, and I blamed myself -- hard -- for not being at all able to do it. The debilitating depressions, the periods of flippin' crazy ideas, huge productivity with its evil cousin, irritability and lightning rage. I was hard to live with, that's for sure!

On meds now, and what a difference! Perfect, totally even person? No. But a damn lot closer than before(!)

(Hehe, because it was just today, have to share... I used to go on Ebay and go... well, a bit nuts (27 hand fans, anyone?). Just this morning, my ex stopped by to drop off some stuff I'd left behind. Caught a glance of this absolutely hideous dress I'd bought in such a mode. The absolute antithesis of my style and palette. That dress, all by itself, is worth a thousand words...and the pile? A novel.)

Welcome to the forums! It's a great place!

Hi- Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. So similiar right down to crying alot when I finally realized what is was and the Ebay story. I have actually been selling lots of the things that I bought over the years on Ebay.lol
I had my worst hypomanic episode ( on Paxil for depression) and then a terrible depression about 8 yrs.ago and drove my car into a tree. When I cried to my hubby-What is wrong with me? He said nothings wrong with u, lets just move on. Of course, nothing changed.
Forward to last month when I read a book on BP and finally had an answer.Just like you I wrote everything down and before the therapist finished reading it she looked up & said you are bipolar. Part of my problem was alot of time alone ( hubby on the road) no friends, worked alone cleaning houses.No one around to notice a problem. Hid things from my hubby until we were in crisis.Still he left me in charge of finances.Total denial on his part.
I now feel like I have hope. Being able to talk with people on here who have been thru the same is a huge help. I have a medicine evaluation appt. next week & been to therapy once a week.
I don't know if you need a hug- but I'm sending you one anyways.

Thanks for the hug. Things are going well now. Though it wasn't mentioned as part of the journey above, I'm now with a BF that I laid the BP card on the table early with. His response? "I've had friends court-ordered to stay on their meds." LOL. Totally accepting. And with the meds... really, it's the best it's ever been. (And to think, I was totally planning to off myself. Then we met in the most unlikely of circumstances. Divine intervention, and I'm not even really... you know?!) Hugs are always good though! right back atcha!

Not entirely clear from reading it, but did you find that you cried over it being BP, or relief at the realization that it wasn't just some kind of personal failing?

Had the same experience as you with the Pdoc. She looked it over, asked some questions --I do remember her asking about how it goes in spans of time as opposed to a constant state of affairs... It was so flippin' obvious (and me bouncing on the couch and talking a mile a minute? Pffft!) it was probably the easiest thing she did all day! Lol. I've got some other things that play into the overall picture, but the BP is solidly at the center.

I'm so glad you found the forums here. It is such a fabulous place. When I read people talking about how much they love and appreciate it, I'm sometimes brought to tears. It's so true. To have people to talk to that really get it, something that can be sooo hard to find IRL.

(Heehee, I also worked alone cleaning houses! Had a sole proprietorship for about... 5 years maybe? Longest run of a year-round job. And one where OCD tendencies--yup, got 'em-- can be a real positive! )

Hi- I also find my past issues financial & otherwise to be very difficult to deal with. I have done an unbelievable amount of financial damage to my family, but its water under the bridge and I know I would not have done that if I was not bipolar or had been diagnosed decades ago.
I am still in amazement that other people have the same problems caused by the mania as me. I felt so alone for so long.I just couldn't imagine that anyone else would do such crazy things. Luckily my therapist is only 10 minutes away and I will finally have my med.evaluation next week. Thanks for sharing with me and I hope you have a good weekend.

HI- I cried because it was such a relief to have an answer. I felt like a total failure for so long. I am still a bit freaked out that lots of other people have some of the same problems caused by the mania. I always felt so alone. I thought for so long that nobody could possibly have the same crazy problems as I did.
I'm happy for you that you have an understanding guy.
Oh,yes that OCD ( I have that too) does come in handy for housecleaning. lol
Have a great weekend.

It's amazing how isolated we can make ourselves and just start feeding into the idea of total self-blame. When you add the five different voices in your head reminding you of a kazillion things that happened a kazillion years ago (that were, of course, ALL your FAULT!!), plus whatever it is about BP that makes it so hard to forgive and forget, and you have a recipe for disaster.

Thing is, I know I've made some bad choices, still do, but deep down there is a caring, kind, giving person that deserves to forgive herself. I just have to keep digging. I hope everyone here keeps digging, too.