[sugahorse1]

I really feel I'm there. Told my boyfriend this morning, but typical male - he doesn't take it to heart or really listen.
I have been stripped down to nothing with regards to work, and it makes me more and more depressed. It seems like a never-ending pit. And like I am scraping the bottom. I thought I made some steps forward - highlighting my problems to people that can do something; but no-one cares.

I'm the one that needs to adjust. F&**&(*! I'm doing my best, and it's not good enough. Sure, maybe the BP doesn't allow me to think quite as rationally or handle stress well, But i just cannot carry on.
Trying to get by on Klonopin- hardly a bright idea.
Just want to go home, take a sleeping tab and hopefully leave the past behind.
T says to call in sick until she can see me on Thurs - I don't like the idea. And Pdoc cannot see me til mid Oct...!?!?!

I dont know what to do - and no-one seems to really care.

[Amazonmom]

I care sugahorse. Only two days until you can see your T. If your T believes you are in a crisis and need an immediate med change maybe they can call the Pdoc office and say so. Pdoc has to have a way to handle emergencies.

You are good and valuable. Crappy jobs can affect anybody, not just a bipolar person.

Sleep when you need to but try to get up and stay occupied when it's morning....sometimes that can keep the depression from worsening for a bit.

[sugahorse1]

I really just want to sleep. Hide away from everything.
Even my friends seem to have too much on their plates to support me. Gosh, this illness can make you feel terribly lonely

[Amazonmom]

Hugs hugs hugs.

I will sit with you if you like.

[sugahorse1]

Thanks Amazon. Right now I'm just really craving someone to hold me. I've broken down twice at work today already. And all I can look forward to is getting home to my sleeping tabs.
Even the Klonopin is no longer helping to make me feel "nothing". I want to run - far away and just never stop.
Life is pointless if it is so painful.

[BNLsMOM]

I hope you are feeling better soon. I agree that maybe you can call p-doc and see if you can get a med change over the phone. I was able to do that before my appointment last time which helped me get through until my appointment and then at my appointment we made another change and now I actually feel well.

[sugahorse1]

i got strict instructions to "Hang in there" and wait for my body to have spent 3 months on the 100mg dose of Lamictin. And in 2 weeks I'm there.
I just cannot take this. My friends are deserting me cos they have enough on their plate. By boyfriend doesn't understand, and my T I think is too concerned to get too involved until I see her Thurs
ARG - why do i have to go thro this?

[Amazonmom]

My arms are around you. You may end up going to my T/Pnurse session though so I can stay with you.

Thinking of you today sugahorse.

[Fresia]

Sending you a HUGE hug. This will pass, really will.

I know those around us don't always understand; I'm not sure how they can, I don't know that I can expect them to when I don't understand it myself at times. I would hope they could still try to be supportive though in the process as best as they can, for not knowing, really, how can they? Ask for what you need and take good care of yourself right now.

Does the pdoc know that this is going on or only T? If not, I would call to let the pdoc know. I would verify w/ pdoc that you have to wait this out 2 more weeks at this stage; you may have already and I have misunderstood.

Really hang in there! Thinking about you. Lots of hugs.

[PT52]

Originally Posted by sugahorse

i got strict instructions to "Hang in there" and wait for my body to have spent 3 months on the 100mg dose of Lamictin. And in 2 weeks I'm there.
I just cannot take this. My friends are deserting me cos they have enough on their plate. By boyfriend doesn't understand, and my T I think is too concerned to get too involved until I see her Thurs
ARG - why do i have to go thro this?

Hey, sugahorse - I UNDERSTAND. I was just there with my Lamictal 10 days ago - 100 mg and I wasn't supposed to up it until November. And my husband still thinks I can snap out of it, find a job and be just fine.

I called my doc and said it out loud for the first time ever...I actually felt embarrased, like I was being a bother. But I knew I had to convince him it was serious. I'm on 150 Lamictal now and Wellbutrin. I think that Klonopin is a mood leveler like Lamictal/Lamictin, so if you're not on an anti-D, that could be the problem.

If no one will listen to you, get yourself to the ER no matter how bad you feel. Make the call, don't take no for an answer. We can't physically be with you, but we're here nonetheless. I know it's hard when you're feeling that awful, but be the one to take charge and get the help you need, okay?

I will be thinking about you all day until I know you're okay.

[Trippin2.0]

Thinking about you my friend,and sending hugs your way. I will be keeping you in prayer,please do ALL you can to get through this in 1 piece b/c you MATTER, you're WORTH THE EFFORT,and remember we LOVE U! Keep us posted XOXO

(((((((((sugahorse))))))))))
Sending you many hugs, my friend. You can get through this. Hang in there, and please keep us posted!

[sugahorse1]

Thanks guys.
I spoke to my pdoc about 2 weeks ago and she told me to wait before making a decision. We need to know if the Lamictin is working, or if a second drug was introduced, we'd never know if it was the second drug helping...?
I told T in our session on Thurs I was battling. Then sms'd her the following Tues - while I was doing my BEST to not contact her between sessions. She said I should take Wed and Thurs off, and when she sees me Thurs, she can officially book me off.
Trying to survive on my Klonopin, and yes, am stupidly in the office today.
Took a great sleeping tab (Zopiclone) last night, and by 7:45 was snoring. hehe. So I've had 10 hours of sleep.
Listening to my iPod to cope and hopefully not feel too much.
When i get into the dark place, I normally make a last reach out to Christian music - so I know when things are getting bad.

Thanks for your much need support - it is much appreciated!

Originally Posted by sugahorse

Gosh, this illness can make you feel terribly lonely

It sure can.

I care about you, sweetie. And remember that so many of us have been there and understand that it can be so very hard, so know that you have a lot of empathetic folks here who are more than willing to help see you through this.

I'm so glad you can see your T tomorrow. Agree with all the above posters on how the T might be able to help in the process with the P. Also, have you put on to be on a cancellation list with the P? Never hurts to do that too. Phone them, talk to them, don't take no for an answer. And if that doesn't work out for whatever reason, don't hesitate to go to the ER. Stay safe. Don't worry (if this is in any way a concern for you) about the timing with that T being "just" tomorrow if you feel you can't ride it out till then, ok? Staying safe is the very most important thing.

(I was surprised to read about strict instructions to remain only on the Lamictal for 3 months at 100 mg. Huh. My P titrated me up to 200 mg right from the start. My current NMHNP upped it to 300 a couple of months ago, and just today suggested we might try 400 mg (think I've read that as pretty much the maximum therapeutic dose). We're going to wait on that though. Still, 3 months at 100. Again, huh. Everyone's different of course, I just found that curious.)

Tomorrow, yea! Meanwhile, Know it's not the same as real life ones, but know that they are very sincerely given.

[sugahorse1]

Thanks Innerzone. I think the pdoc is hoping that we can get away with 100mg if at all possible.
Yesterday was a bit of a better for me. I felt stronger and more assertive and I think I managed to get some stuff done. Also didn't feel the need to climb into bed @ 7:30.

I've cancelled my app with T - told her I had too much work on my plate (Which is partially true). I think part of me just didn't want to go. I feel anxious to see her after smsing on Tues close to a nervous breakdown, and now I feel strong enough to at least survive each day. (I.e. I feel like a bit of a fraud) I also don't know what to explain to her or discuss with her when i'm not nearly at breakdown point. So I chickened out. I hope I can keep the pieces together today in the mean time...
Not sure if it is right, but I am actually anxious/scared to see her... And I do trust her.
arg - Why am I this way?
Started the day off by snapping at my boyfriend, so that didn't set a good tone.

[sugahorse1]

I think I just made myself seem like a fool with cancelling the T app - I am feeling guilty and getting myself even more into a tizz

[PT52]

[bandit99301]

Boy do I understand sugahorse. This is the way I feel much of the time:

The light is beginning to fade. Depression creeps back in like a deep black hole. The very depth of it is so dark and empty. I don't care anymore or want to live. There is nothing I can find that will make me want to live, not even my kids. I find no joy in life. My thoughts are dark and lifeless. They live and circle around my own death, hoping that all feeling will go away. There is a war that rages inside my soul. Lifeless and useless I am. So empty the hurt becomes unbearable. The only way to stop the hurt is to die. Tears run deep, hurt emblishes me and death surrounds me. I want to hide, close my eyes and wish it all to go away. It just comes back in it's full force of darkness and hope is chased away.

[sugahorse1]

I am doing my best to hang in there and putting my trust and life in the hands of my pdocs and T's - but I don't know how much longer I can cope. I even bought myself a horse to have something else to focus on (I don't have kids, so he's my child) and that's probably the last straw I'm hanging on to.
This morning I thought of ECT - maybe it's what I've needed all along. Right now I'll do anything to make this pain, lonliness, helplessness, darkness... just go away

I hope that your psych pros can help come up with something to turn this around for you, and soon. Maybe ECT will be in the mix. Who knows? I do remember reading some of our forums member's posts describing good experiences with it...

[sugahorse1]

I do like my Pdoc and T - now I have to trust in their experience and qualifications

[bandit99301]

I'm on the edge again. Last night I thought I would take an overdose, but I called crises response unit instead. All I could do is cry. I hate how my life has turned out. All the stress of having two children that don't want to talk to me or even have me in their life. I figure that not being around and hurting anymore would be for the best. I hate calling cru because sometimes it sounds like they don't want to help. Or if they do they always want to send the cops to pick me up which means getting the maintance man up and getting access into the building then getting haul off in hand cuffs. What do I do because the hurt just hurts to much. I'm over whelmed and exhausted to care anymore. But I get up to do it all again, every day. I need help but I don't what the safe way should be.

[PT52]

Originally Posted by bandit99301

I'm on the edge again. Last night I thought I would take an overdose, but I called crises response unit instead. All I could do is cry. I hate how my life has turned out. All the stress of having two children that don't want to talk to me or even have me in their life. I figure that not being around and hurting anymore would be for the best. I hate calling cru because sometimes it sounds like they don't want to help. Or if they do they always want to send the cops to pick me up which means getting the maintance man up and getting access into the building then getting haul off in hand cuffs. What do I do because the hurt just hurts to much. I'm over whelmed and exhausted to care anymore. But I get up to do it all again, every day. I need help but I don't what the safe way should be.

Hey bandit, sorry you're having such a tough time..you know, this posting might get overlooked being at the end of a thread started by someone else. Why don't you start a new thread and let everyone know what's going on with you? That way, you'll be sure to get lots of support and encouragement. Hang in there