[Fresia]

I've been VERY fortunate that I've been stable for a long time and very grateful in the process. I have always been painfully aware of the roller-coaster as a rapid cycler but have not been full-blown maniac or depressed in years and have forgotten the feeling of doom that it will not end.

What's happened...
While pet sitting, the dog died in my care; not my fault, but died nonetheless. I stayed up all night to take care of him. Forceably staying up and the emotions sent me into a full blown maniac episode for a week, no sleep, even while trying to adjust meds under doc's orders. Then Friday, I crashed, couldn't get off the couch until Tuesday and even now I feel like a slug. It is depression and the meds now. The tears, anxiety, and wretching feeling in my stomach are overwhelming. I am cycling rapidly in the process but leaning into depression.

My friend, who's dog passed, is back. She came by and is very thankful I took care of him. I just feel so awful for her and how it all turned out. I also cannot be there for her right now and feel like a terrible friend, when she is going through so much besides the losing the dog.

I haven't been able to function or to study. I have an exam Thursday and Monday. There are a ton of half started projects in the house from last week that never finished because I was all over the place into everything and even things that I normally have no interest in; house is a wreck and still no energy to even begin fixing it.

Person had been seeing, knew of the BP, didn't really KNOW of the effects of BP until now. It took a lot to get to the point of telling about it again and to that point in a relationship. He doesn't want to continue seeing each other. I wish I could say 'ce la vie' but it does hurt.

I'm trying to go to class but I am not really there. One minute I just don't care, yet have anxiety over it the next. I have hardly eaten, no appetite or energy now. I just have hit bottom.

It took so long to stabilize before; I worry it will not happen again, as the tears start to come again over just this thought alone.

Please just remind me this will pass....

[Trippin2.0]

It will pass, please remind yourself of that, You are in my thoughts and prayers,I wish I could give you a hug...

Oh Fresia! on all of this! You will be stable again, give it time, ok? Sending good thoughts your way.

[sugahorse1]

While it's painful to be at rock bottom (And you've had a LOT going on) it is something that will pass. And unfortunately most of us with BP have to push through from time to time.
I understand you still have a lot on your plate (I used to miss a LOT of exams because I'd been to depressed to study.) And I had the priviledge of being a long-distance student.
But you just need to take care of yourself and get strong and healthy again.
We're here every step of the way with you.

[Amazonmom]

I am so sorry! You are going through a lot.

[blueoctober]

Fresia; I am truly sorry you are going through all this right now. Is there a therapist that you see that you can talk about what happened?

I know that fear when a deep episode hits, but it will pass. You will need to take some action such as eating regularly, getting outside for a walk, asking for help from friends and speaking to a therapist. I know its hard, but you can do it.

[Fresia]

I made an appointment with the T. I can get back in Monday but am talking to the pdoc every other day in the meantime; he has actually been very supportive. I just didn't remember it sucking all hope out. I appreciate the suggestions and will try to follow through with some of them today. They are really good ideas, brain is just in such a whirlwind. Let you know how it goes. Matter of fact will trying going for a walk now, not later. THANK YOU!

[laur88]

I'm sorry you're feeling so down... No fun!

You will get through this though!! I know it's easier said than done but try to keep hope - you've gotten through hard times before and you can do it again!

HUGS
-L

[lonegael]

((((Fresia)))) It will get better. It will seem like forever but it will pass. You were pushing very hard there and didn't have much choice. You aren't a terrible friend, you were there when it truly mattered, when she needed someone to take her place and she couldn't be there. That is true firendship, dear. Youwere there. Just be secure in that and find some peace. It's ood you have and excellent t. Let him/her take care of you and do the same for yourself. You know, I NEVER really remember all of how bad it was when I hit bottom. I remember hurting, but not all the nuances. Funny how that gets lost. HUGGGGGS again. HUnag in there. You will come out of this.

[sundog]

(((((((((((((fresia)))))))))))))))))) I am so so sorry you've been through such a rough time and that it's taken this toll on you It was absolutely heartbreaking to read about what happened with your friend's dog and I can totally imagine how going through that could absolutely floor you. It would have done me in too, for sure. I'm so sorry you had that experience. And then, on top of that, breaking up with your friend. That's really tough.

But I just really want to add my reassurance to that of the others. You WILL get through this. You WILL get back to a stable place again. Please don't lose hope. We're all rooting you

[MissingMyOldSelf]

I'm so sorry that you're going through so much right now, but this WILL pass!!!!

[Fresia]

I took some time today, made myself go for a walk, the air was crisp and felt good. It was good to have gone, who knew it would require so much energy though. I will go again tomorrow. The energy will come back eventually.

There's to be a Med adjustment tonight; perhaps it will do the trick, will see how it goes. I just would like to feel something for longer than a minute. That is the one thing that I know will actually pass: the thoughts and feelings, they keep going and going and passing right by, one right after the other with no end. I'd forgotten about this too, those darn racing thoughts. It's amazing how the mind blocks out the painful things. Hoping for the meds to find their balance again SOON.

I appreciated everyone's reminders, encouragement and support today. You really helped me get through it. More than I can say, truly, thanks. Be well.

[PT52]

yes to all the excellent things everyone said. It's a small thing to say it will get better...but it's a big thing, too..because it will get better.

[Fresia]

PT52 - It is a big thing to have faith in right now. Thanks for that and also for the Buddhist Proverb, very appropriate at the moment. Will remember it for tomorrow.

[sundog]

Well done for going for a walk today (((((((fresia)))))) I'm really glad you enjoyed the fresh air. I love hiking. I find it extremely therapeutic. Wishing you many pleasant hikes! And wishing you good luck with your med adjustment.

[sugahorse1]

Please keep in touch.
I hope the meds do the trick.
It's terrible to be in a deep depression - can you try tell someone and they can come stay with you for a while. Just to try take your mind off things and also make sure you stay safe.

[Fresia]

My Dad is here to keep an eye on things, especially since have not been functioning. It is a good idea, but feel like such a child again and somewhat humiliating; I can swallow this as the help is much appreciated. He is just not quite sure what to do, bless his heart. A little uncomfortable for him too but adore him for doing it anyway.

I got some real sleep last night which was so refreshing. I do wish the doom would lift. The racing seems to be better this morning however which is a pleasant surprise. It would have been nice had the sun been out and not so chilly, right to the bones. No walks today except to class, have to go for the test. I'd better get ready. Hanging in there.

[PT52]

Originally Posted by Fresia

My Dad is here to keep an eye on things, especially since have not been functioning. It is a good idea, but feel like such a child again and somewhat humiliating; I can swallow this as the help is much appreciated. He is just not quite sure what to do, bless his heart. A little uncomfortable for him too but adore him for doing it anyway.

I got some real sleep last night which was so refreshing. I do wish the doom would lift. The racing seems to be better this morning however which is a pleasant surprise. It would have been nice had the sun been out and not so chilly, right to the bones. No walks today except to class, have to go for the test. I'd better get ready. Hanging in there.

Wonderful that your Dad is there to be supportive..you are blessed to have him. Keep hanging in there!

[sundog]

So glad your dear Dad is with you And glad that some things are improving. You are doing really well!! Good luck at your appointment ((((((fresia))))))

[wing]

I just came upon your post and I can see from the first to the last that you're getting better, Fresia, and I'm so happy for you. Lean on your dad, he wants to be there for you! It will make him feel good to know that his daughter still needs him.Good job with all the things you've done to take care of yourself.

[blueoctober]

Fresia; thanks for keeping us posted. I'm glad your dad is there to help. Sending positive vibes your way. Oh and Fi (my horse) baked you a carrot cake......but then he ate it! Silly Fi

[sugahorse1]

Glad things are starting to look up. I hope the test went well.
I'm glad your dad is able to look after things for a while; I know how hard it can be to accept help, but it seems you are doing a good job of it - he's trying to help, and at least it seems like you have a strong support system.
You seem quite a bit stronger than when you first started this thread, so keep on going!