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#1
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I apologize now my thoughts are very random and something I cant really help so Im sorry.
I started a new job that I absolutely hate, or maybe its the boss. HMMM. I moved into my aunts house bc Im making to much to live where I was currently living. That has turn into a nightmareish hell. No matter what I do, I buy, or I say its wrong or never good enough. Anyways, Ive had recurrent through out the years of thoughts of hurting people, severely hurting. I was doing the dishes away and as putting them away I had a huge knife in my hand and well you know where this thought is going. These thoughts are towards everyone pretty much. My mother even. Then I love animlas and her cat rubbed against my legs and well I just wanted to kick it outta my way I didnt though, but I did raise my foot at her. I love animals I really do so please do not think of me bad. My pdoc says Ive got bp 2, but how do I know that for sure? I mean I really dont lose sleep or anything, but my moods are so spractic and be such multiple times a day to where I really dont know what I feel constantly. It sucks. Very unfair. Then what else ...I saw another relative where I work today and these assholes turned their head and completely acted like they were better than me. when in fact they are worse. They fraud the welfare system and slut around and stuff. Even they used my best friend to take them to las vegas and never paid him back thenthey feel its ok to treat me like this. Yeah iM GOING TO turn them in today for welfare fraud and let that kid she is carrying to a married man (told ya shes a slut) suffer bc im not paying for it. im sick of my tax dollars going to waste on kids and ppl like that when they feel its ok to treat me like that ill make them all suffer. but how does my dr think i got bipolar when i really dont have the signs or i dont see them. Sigh...Am I really messed up in my head?? |
#2
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Wow, you're angry. Have you actually told your dr. about this stuff? It's common to doubt your diagnosis as bipolar. Also, are you on meds?
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#3
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I have to agree about the anger. Being angry and wanting to hurt people doesn't necessarily rule out BP. I don't usually have a problem sleeping, either, and that's only one of many symptoms anyway. Trust your doctor for now anyway, and try to see the diagnosis as a tool to help you feel better. Are you on meds? That can help a lot. Therapy, too.
It's apparent you have a lot of anger to resolve. And just for my two cents worth - you're right, it sucks and it's not fair. We can't change that, but we can change what we do about it. That's what treatment is all about - it helps. It also seems like you focus a lot of your anger towards people you have a poor opinion about. That's your choice, of course, but I can tell you that they are probably not going to change because of your anger, and the time you spend being angry at them is time you can use to help yourself. I know this because I spent many years resenting and hating people. I wish I hadn't wasted all that time. I wish you well and I'm sending lots of positive, peaceful vibes your way.. ![]()
__________________
"Better not look down, if you want to keep on flying Put the hammer down, keep it full speed ahead Better not look back, or you might just wind up crying You can keep it moving, if you don't look down" - B.B. King Come join the BP Social Society on Psych Central Everyone is Welcome! |
#4
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Nah, not on meds. I dont believe in them. today im fine towards most people, except the boss. He acts like I dont try wshen I really do.
Im a big time doubter for everything. Even when my 6 yr old niece says she loves me, I question that. I dont question her to her face because that would hurt her and thats the last thing I want to do. Wouldnt it be easier if I just shot myself. Then everyone would be better off, especially me. So do you all think I really seem bp or is my doctor just a quack. |
#5
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dont say that, everything will be fine. when you feel like punching someone or totally flipping out, just walk away and take deep breath. i'm really on edge sometimes too. just try to control your emotions more.
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#6
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Quote:
As for your last question, no one can determine your diagnosis based on what you post here. But I'm guessing if it's not BP, it's something else, so I would suggest you listen to your doctor.
__________________
"Better not look down, if you want to keep on flying Put the hammer down, keep it full speed ahead Better not look back, or you might just wind up crying You can keep it moving, if you don't look down" - B.B. King Come join the BP Social Society on Psych Central Everyone is Welcome! |
#7
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You really need to start seeing a therapist to help you learn how to deal with your anger toward others, and yourself. After talking to him/her for awhile you might change your position on medication. I know I need both my medications and my time with my psychologist for therapy. Think about it.
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#8
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Hello, I am concerned about your comment on meds. I have asthma and it is a reaction caused by an overactive immune system. This reaction is reduced by the use of daily meds. Yes it is identifiable, but it was not easily diagnosed, and it took trying several meds to find some that work for me. Although most meds work on one of the 2 common reactions, inflammation or constriction, but not every med worked properly for me. Without the meds, however, I would be reacting to every little airborne allergen and my standard of living would be greatly diminished.
This is the exact same for mental illnesses. Science has come along way, and like my asthma, my bp is also (partially) a physiological condition. It is now well known that different chemicals in the brain or areas of the brain are different in patients with mental illnesses. These differences, like my asthma, require maintenance meds to help me maintain my health and the quality of life that I want. Since science has now caught up with the speculation of mental illnesses, to not believe in the meds is to deny that you actually have the illness. I hope you do reconsider your position on the meds, because I believe they would assist you having the quality of life that you want. It is not by any fault of yours that you have the illness. But, it is up to whether or not you allow it to control you. I hope you are able to take something away from this and use it to help you. |
#9
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Anne, I used to have a court order for a therapist and meds. I refused to follow that also. Not saying I didnt get in trouble cause I did. I just cant do the therapist as I dont trust them and they are just nosy and no help to me what so ever. I had tried about 4 different ones and I gave up on that.
Lostmind, I dont think my views on medications will ever change. Ive never been one to take them regardless. I know people say what if you had diabetes, cancer, or heart disease. My view point still stands, they are unneccesary poisons going into my body. If I was meant to die from this stuff, then why prevent it from happening the way it was wrote into my books of life to happen. Not only that but I do question the pdoc a lot. I think he made a misdiagnosis. Im female, I get hormonal. Thats what my issue is I think. I know Im a lost cause and not worth trying to help no more. Everyones said it so thats what I expect from everyone now, because it must be true. |
#10
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Quote:
you can not believe in meds and still believe you have issue. You know flu is not treatable by medicines... still nobody denies existence of flu. The OP has issues with anger that need to be adressed... there is some issue causing the anger, or the underlying emotion that presents itself as anger. THAT needs to be dealt with. At least learn to release the anger in some non-harmful way, because it could turn inwards. If it's some hormonal female stuff, medical tests should be done.
__________________
Glory to heroes!
HATEFREE CULTURE |
#11
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As someone who has been diagnosed BP 1 four years ago a dchas had good and bad times through it- I think you sound like I do when I'm not 100% ok. Unsettled. Feeling ick. Irritable, angry,
maybe a bit paranoid. But that's just my take based on myself. I hope you can find it in you to try the doc again and get some meds. When we're having an episode, we sometimes revel in the mania - that's part of the problem in treating bipolar. |
#12
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Quote:
However, the greater issue is that lilred, you do not feel as though you are worth loving, caring, feeling, or our concern. I contest this, and wish that I could take you up into my arms. You are worth every effort that we have made and more so. No one has seen the book of life and can therefore not be sure of God's intent for any of us. God does challenge us, unfairly at times, but no where will you find that his intention is to damn anyone of us. Lilred, I know how you feel more than you can imagine. I disappointed others countless times, I have continually hurt those that cared for me and loved me, so that I could say that I am alone, I pushed everyone away and lied so much I am no longer sure what the truth is. However, I now have hope. and more than anything am coming to terms with the fact that I was not meant to broken, no one is meant to be broken. We all here to get help and to receive help, so please let us help you. Everyone here does love you, and everyone truly cares about your well being. The advice we give is what we went through, and many of us came from the place that you are now. But we all have the same message, it is okay to trust, it is okay to be loved, it is right that we find worth in you because you are worthy. If you can't look in the mirror and say I love you than come here and let us tell you that we love you. I love you and value you, you have no flaw in my eyes, you are worthy of my trust and compassion. and I will say this as many times as you need me to say it. I love you. |
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#13
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Hi lilred...maybe you just need to take a little time to absorb all the advice you've been given. Understand that everyone has a different way to get through this; see if you can get in touch with your own best path. I am sending you peaceful, soothing, mind-freeing vibes. Hugs
__________________
"Better not look down, if you want to keep on flying Put the hammer down, keep it full speed ahead Better not look back, or you might just wind up crying You can keep it moving, if you don't look down" - B.B. King Come join the BP Social Society on Psych Central Everyone is Welcome! |
#14
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Lilred, I hope there is a safe system to offer evidence on the person you mentioned. In regard to your own confidentiality and a safe space to phone or write a letter from. Those considerations should be paramount.
Do it when you are feeling "in between". Hoping things will work out well for you. |
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