[FeelingHopeful]

Had a quick question , When Someone is either going through a low depression , maniac state, and withdrawals, Is it better to give some space to the person suffering or keep checking up on them, I keep checking up on them, not getting a response really, its ok, i understand,Just want them to know im thinking of them, havent forgotten them, Just wondering if im doing more damage with the constant checkups or Am I being helpful?

[Dark_Dreams]

If you are making a point of cheking up on them and letting them know you are checking on them because you don't trust that they are taking care of themself, then yeah that can be a problem. However, if you are checking in and letting them known from time to time that you are still there and have not run away, that isn't so bad.

It is a pretty fine line between the two though sometimes.

[Ryask]

Why not ask them. Just say " i am checking in on you because i want you to know i am here for support if you need it, i hope you don't mind, but if you do please let me know, and i can stop, although if i stop i will still be just a call away to support you" or something along those lines?

[sugahorse1]

It's a very difficult one - I like to know someone's there for me. But if I'm not ready to talk, I need my space

[dayton52]

It's taking me a lot of time to learn how to give my kid her space when she's like this and to not take her silence personally. We used to talk all the time (she's my third, youngest daughter, my bud) but now when she's down or when she's angry, I have to learn how to accept that and not take it personally (really hard for me to do). My wife is much better at it than I am!

[wing]

It's very hard to do! You seem to be adept at identifying her moods, that's a great first step. Doing what's good for her vs yourself is being a good parent. I try to drop everything I'm doing and talk when my kids come to me. When they keep their distance, i make sure I say "I love you" every day. Regardless of the response I get, I believe that those words are engraved on their hearts and they know they can come to me when they are ready to talk.

[CesarioRose]

it's a double edged sword for me; i like people earnstly asking, and making a point (like inviting me over to play some board games and dinner, and asking if everything is okay.)

but what i cant stand, and my father does this, is either IM's me, or TXTs me, and asks "where you? okay?" and that's it. that's annoying. my Mom at least calls me and asks if i'm okay, and then disappears with her friends back to the woods. :/

Originally Posted by Ryask

Why not ask them. Just say " i am checking in on you because i want you to know i am here for support if you need it, i hope you don't mind, but if you do please let me know, and i can stop, although if i stop i will still be just a call away to support you" or something along those lines?

Originally Posted by sugahorse

It's a very difficult one - I like to know someone's there for me. But if I'm not ready to talk, I need my space

Basically agree with both Ryask and sugahorse on this. Personally, I'd be happy to know that someone cares enough to be there on the BP front, explicity stating so (but NOT referring to it as "checking in") and at the same time knowing that it's perfectly to not "go there" or even to respond at all. Because like sugahorse, sometimes (often) I just want space.

That's one reason I so appreciate PC and everyone here. Able to post at need, but also able to not. With complete acceptance of either. I can barely conceive of such a thing IRL.

So... go ahead and mention BP on the initial offer. After that, probably best not to mention it specifically, even through intonation. I've experienced a couple different things, neither satisfactory. After very selective disclosure, one person (though we barely talk) suddenly seemed to bring it up every time we did talk (not specifically saying BP, but the tone made it obvious that was what she was getting at). It made me feel like more an object of pity and suddenly defined by it to them. On the other end where those that expressed acceptance with disclosure, then completely ignored it, never inquiring how I was feeling (about anything).

Long and short, yes on the initial offer. That way, they know it is ok to go into the BP stuff if they want. After that, just very casually inquiring how they are feeling --like any friend should-- "how ya doing?" "how's it going for you?" (w/o tone of pity or a kind of "so how are you doing with your BP" approach) would probably be a good balance.

[FeelingHopeful]

The Person my friend Im asking for, I cant really ask whats wrong because they cannot tell me whats really wrong, I know something is wrong because they have told me that much but cant say what the issue is , so sometimes im not sure how much to say

[sugahorse1]

I said to my T the other day that I may appear to be a hard person on the outside, but I really am soft. I want to be the one people talk to. But I don't come across like that, because I appear hard.
Her reply was: you need to be patient. Put the offer on the table that you're here, but you need to wait for them to come to you.

Think of it as fishing. You need to prepare your bait as nicely as possible. But once you cast it out there, you cannot force the fish to take it. The fish will take it once he's hungry enough, or if the offer is too good to resist

Originally Posted by sugahorse

I said to my T the other day that I may appear to be a hard person on the outside, but I really am soft. I want to be the one people talk to. But I don't come across like that, because I appear hard.
Her reply was: you need to be patient. Put the offer on the table that you're here, but you need to wait for them to come to you.

Think of it as fishing. You need to prepare your bait as nicely as possible. But once you cast it out there, you cannot force the fish to take it. The fish will take it once he's hungry enough, or if the offer is too good to resist

That is a very good way to put it.

[BlackPup]

I guess by the variety of responses you could easy see that not all BPers are the same - there is no one answer which will fit all BPers. For me, I have had friends that were really caring that didn't "check in" regularly, but were just there when they were there, and others who went out of there way to "check" on me when times were tough. I love them all for the support that they have given me.

It does also depend on what degree of support network they have. If you are it, then maybe you need to be there more than if they have lots of people to lean on.

Take care of yourself, you can be of no help if you are not looking after your own health and sanity also.

[FeelingHopeful]

Thanks everyone!! you guys help me so muchto understand more and help the person i love while also i am getting better with coping skills as well as how to help innerzone he has alot of people that love him but nobody really knows how he suffers sometimes but me i want to help as much as i can

[FeelingHopeful]

Blackup i think in a way he just has me because nobody else sorta knows but me how hard things are for him