Any Advice?

I'm looking for some advice to help me work through some issues my significant other and I are currently experiencing.

My significant other is bipolar and I suffer from depression. Lately it just seems like the odds are stacked against us and our relationship is really strained by both of our disorders. My significant other is on medication for the bipolar which seems to work most of the time. I on the other hand currently am not taking anything for my depression. In the past all the different medications I tried didn't regulate it at all. I haven't had a bad bout in awhile with it but unfortunately as my significant other is having a difficult time with the bipolar my depression is kicking into gear. I get worried that I'm going to lose her that I start becoming clingy which makes her want to push away.

I love this girl with all my heart and want to spend the rest of my life with her so I'm really worried about it. I think my constant worrying is actually making things worse but I'm to the point I don't know what to do. I want to be there for her but at the same time I don't know how to be there and she's sick of me asking. How can I be there for her but give her the space she needs? I don't want to worry all the time but sometimes I have a difficult time reading her ups and downs. Sometimes when she's having a bad day I think it's something I've either done or said when in fact it has nothing to do with me.

Any advice would be most appreciated. I don't know if this type of thing is something I can get advice on this forum with. I also don't know if I should be posting in the bipolar or depression forum. I don't really have any where else to turn and I don't want to lose the love of my life.

I think you might be on the right path here....Her ups and downs may not have anything to do with you. That is something good to know.

Maybe a ground rule that you won't assume that it is about you until she says it is. If she is tired of you asking, then maybe you can let her know that you will back off about asking. This will give her an opportunity to try to figure out what is going on (she may need time to process). Then she can come to you and let you know...she hasn't figured it out, hasn't figured it out maybe we can talk it through, it's not you, it's you, need more time, etc...

If she is willing to learn how to communicate this and you are willing to step back, that will be a big plus for your relationship.

Thanks for the advice, it definitely sounds like something that might work. My girlfriend is the type that she would be willing to tell me outright if it was something I was doing (at least I think so). The only problem is I'm not sure when I'll get to bring it up. She has been in a mood lately where she doesn't really want to talk about what's going on because she doesn't want us to dwell on it. Maybe I'll give her a few days then mention it and see what she says. It's hard because I want to talk about it but I agree with her that we shouldn't dwell on it.

Do you know of any online support groups? I think a lot of my problem is I don't have anyone to talk to about what's been going on.

Thanks again for the advice!

Jis want to let you kn0w i empathize,although i'm the bipolar gf with a depressed bf,and he's the one struggling right n0w. Can't offer much advice,my hands seem 2 be tied,all I do is pray and reassure him that i'm n0t going anywhere. Hope your gf feels better so0n.

THIS. Your post rang so true for me, mrcherryred87. I'm the BP one (on meds), he's the one with depression issues (not as severe as mine, but still...) - and on no meds. I've been in a serious depressive mode, and he feels it is somehow on him, or that there is something he can do. There isn't. Still, he cares and asks. Before I was just saying, "nah, I'm just, you know...". Today he asked again, and if there was anything he could do. I had to just state it straight out. "No, but thanks. It's just my stupid brain." He knows he can't help that, and relieves the burden of it feeling like it's something he's doing or not doing. With BP, it really is that way. Our brains get highjacked. Situations can exacerbate it, but just letting her know you are there for her is best (IMO). It's so good to hear you say, "My girlfriend is the type that she would be willing to tell me outright if it was something I was doing (at least I think so)." That is major. Be glad of it.

Sure do! Here!
BP forum, Depression forum, there are no restrictions -- whatever you feel is most appopriate for the given question you have or the area you feel most in support of in that moment.

Please keep us posted, ok? There are quite a few of us here who are in relationships where more than one person is dealing with a MI. The good part is understanding. The trying part is triggering. (and I hear you basically saying this with, "but unfortunately as my significant other is having a difficult time with the bipolar my depression is kicking into gear.") It happens. But the relationship can still work, so try not to freak out about that too much.

Mr. Cherryred87:

As someone who suffers from bipolar depression, I can understand your situation entirely. My wife is the one who has put up with my moods for 20 plus years, many times of which have not been pleasant.

First, I would tell you to find a good doctor who can treat your depression. You might even try cognitive behavior therapy: this is something that has helped me. Run, do not walk, to get help for yourself and for your girlfriend if she is not seeing a doctor or therapist as well.

Second, as someone who suffers from bipolar disorder with major depression, I can assure you that it is about her and not about you. Just offer your support and back away. If she goes off on you, realize that this is the illness and not your girlfriend that is talking. There are times where I just need to be left alone and I am sure that your girlfriend is the same.

Third, I would seek the help of a bipolar support group. This would benefit both of you. My wife and I are currently attending a support group in our area and have been pleased with the results thus far (we've only been attending since February).

Fourth, I would seek council from your spiritual adviser. My psychiatrist, who, unlike most in his field, is a deeply spiritual man. He has advised me that your health is like a three legged stool: one leg is physical health, one leg is mental health, and one leg is spiritual health. When you are missing any of the legs, your life becomes unbalanced. I attend my Church daily and receive the Sacraments as often as I can. Both of these help me tremendously to manage my illness.

I know that with a comprehensive approach, which is what these diseases require, you can find peace and happiness with your girlfriend.

Thanks for the advice Innerzone! It makes me nervous when she doesn't want to talk about it all anymore about how she's feeling. I understand that we can't talk about it all the time but it'd be nice to know how she's doing. This week has been especially rough because her phone hasn't been working half the time. I'll be honest reading so many posts about partners with bipolar cheating has me a little uneasy. I think it's just my active mind and low self esteem kicking in because I can't imagine she would ever cheat on me. I'm a good boyfriend and I love her son like he's mine own, why would she cheat? It's just difficult when the person you love needs space and then you start feeling like she's purposely avoiding you. Part of me wants to mention it to her but I know that will only make matters worse. I think I'll be able to tell the next time I see her if something is truly up because she can't hide it. Unfortunately we aren't going to see each other until Saturday.

I think I'm going to call the doctor tomorrow and check into how much my insurance will cover when it comes to counceling. I'm starting to feel like I'm the one with the issues here and I need to address them before I lose the love of my life. The thought of losing her is killing me and I wish I could just shut those thoughts off. I've been fighting them all week and I get to a point where I think everything is okay and then something happens. Like I said I think it's just my over active mind mixed with self esteem issues but what if it isn't?

I will definitely keep you posted!

Well, one thing to keep in mind is that different people have different manifestations of their hypomania/mania. There are plenty of BPers that don't go that route. Maybe it's over-the-top unrealistic projects, or overspending on WTH things, or.... etc etc. and any combination thereof. Point is, it doesn't necessarily manifest in cheating.
Personal experience? Was with ex for 25 years. 25 unmedicated years, mind you... and didn't cheat. Hypomania a-plenty, it just took about every other form.
Point is, it's not a given. Hope that sets your mind a bit at ease.

It does put my mind a little at ease. I don't know why my mind goes there. From what she's said in the past she's never cheated on anyone before and she has never given me any reason to think other wise. At the end of the day I do trust her or else I wouldn't be with her. It's just frustrating when her phone doesn't work but it is something we have been dealing with since she moved. The more I think about it the more I realize most of this is being brought on by myself. I think part of what's going on is she just needs some time to herself and I'm not helping by being overly clingy. When she retreats it causes me to push harder sometimes, most of the times unintentionally. We still talk on the phone daily but we don't text as much. Unfortunately I seem to ride her ups and downs when I should be the steady rock that helps her through those tough times. I feel bad that the one person she can count on goes along for the ride.

Like I said last night I'm going to call the doctor today and look into some counseling. I want to help myself so I can be there for her when she needs me. I've lost a lot of people in my life so I really thing I have abandonment issues which makes me feel like I'm going to lose everyone that is close to me. I want to deal with my issues so I don't take the chance of losing the first girl in my life that I've cared about this much. It's definitely been the most difficult relationship I've ever been in but I'll say it's completely worth it! We just have to get through the bumps in the road.

Wish me luck!

Well I go to the doctors on Monday to discuss medication options and I have a session booked with a therapist on the 24th. The first steps are definitely the hardest but I need to do this.