[Miss Laura]

I am on a manic streak but it's managable during the day... at night however I come alive. As soon as my family go to bed I come alive and it's so weird. I am scared they see me like that. Anyways I have decided not to take my meds now and again and have stopped sleeping. I am just wanting to be better. I have been chatting to these guys online and gave them my mobile and email address. I got freaked out and deleted my email account. But then I started speaking to other guys and get such a buzz when talking to them. I start getting the "gooey" feeling and think woohoo someone likes me. I have stopped taking my meds at the moment as I don't want to sleep. I know I have to take them but I want to stay up all night. I am raging as I managed 23 hours wide awake and crashed out for over an hour. I am furious I wanted to bet my record of 28 hours solid. My family think I have slept as I lied I am having a bed day and don't really care. Haven't even showered and don't really plan on doing it. Why bother?? I was pacing like mad last night while my family where in a seperate room to me. When they all left the house I started talking to myself and was having a good old time talking to people. I like talking like that as no-one answers me back lol!! I have had a hard time this month with indestructability and threats of sectioning being on my mind which I am not going into... My CPN has threatened this if I can not be safe!! I am refusing hospitalisation if that is the case..... NO WAY!!

[lynn P.]

((((Miss Laura)))) - I know it feels good to be in a manic stage. I had a brother who would get very manic and stop taking his meds - he was very hard to reason with when he was like this. My concern is, it's going to be hard when you crash. I'm not sure why you have more energy at night - maybe you feel more free to be yourself when everyone's sleeping. I think you need to take your medicine regularly, but you probably don't want to hear that. Be safe - okay?

[wing]

If you're wanting to stay out of the hospital, it would be the best choice to go back on your meds. You got all the symptoms of a full blown mania and the only road that leads to is destruction and regret. You still have some insight, take advantage of it for strength to make the decision you've said you must (going back on your meds).

[Miss Laura]

I know you guys are right I really do. I do feel more free at night when no-one is around and I can be just me. Ye I am moody in front of my family but they have never from what I am aware of seen me in a "happy" "hyper" "manic" mood. I took my morning meds at 3pm. Better late than never huh!! I am stuck in doors all the time as I don't go out. I don't really want to sleep as I have nightmares sometimes and that has kinda scared me. The Manager at the Organisation I attend told me they are delusions and I need to put them from my mind although its hard. She also has BP so can relate on so many levels. I am worried about having to be hospitalised. My CPN/Psych will ask about me taking my meds and I will say what..... I have stopped taking them or I have been good and compliant and been taking them. I don't want them to think I am uncompliant with my meds although I am most of the time. I haven't even told my friends as I am scared they get disappointed in me and get angry. I hate disappointing them. All I want is to be happy. But at the moment my life just doesn't like happiness. I have had a hard month- losing my job on ill health grounds and the battle I had there was unreal and everyone has said they would be surprised if I was just "ok" as it has been a really tough month/year. I want to prove to people I am fine. But then I think I am fine, I don't need meds. Maybe I am kinda like your Bro Lynn... hard to reason with- I really don't know. Decisions are so hard to make at the moment. I sat 1 night and put things into folders and colour co-orindated things. I have played sudoko, played games on internet, watched tv, wrote forever and everything is still manic. My writing makes me question is life real and is my life real. My time with friends.... is it real or is it a fantasy. Is my indestructability real or fantasy.... My CPN really is concerned about that and said I either stay safe or be sectioned yikes!! I am trying to stay safe I cross the roads at pedestrian crossings and feel like a right idiot as everyone else walks across the road when there is no traffic coming but I am standing there waiting for the wee green man to say its safe to cross the road. I start Tai Chi on Thursday I am nervous about that. I hate groups and I hate new things. My Support Worker from the Organisation is coming with me as 1:1 support. I am scared as this will be my 1st ever 1:1 support ever. I feel embarrassed talking to my family about BP and me. It took me 3 days to tell them I was going to Tai Chi on Thursday. I just feel small when I talk about BP/my group/me. I just wish my Mania would last me forever and be "ok" not major like it is now. Do I sound manic???? I know I feel it inside but can you guys tell??? My thoughts are pressured at the moment and I want to keep writing but I know it will be rubbish and you guys have your own things/stressors etc so I won't bother. I will just do writing if I need to. I can't even concentrate on reading despite buying a new book. I love fresh new books love the smell of them

Sorry rant/blahing over!!

[SmilingMask]

I am so glad you shared this!! I am manic right now as well but at night- YIKES!!- I thought it was just my imagination! I am jittery, "flight of thoughts" and all of that through the day, but once my family settles in....I get really wired, singing, dancing, organizing, signing up for stuff on the net, zipping through the house cause I forgot what I was in the room to begin with; saw lots of shadows last night and hear many voices. I refuse to stop taking my meds though...it scares me to get off of them.....I loved reading your "rubbish"! I know how it feels to just write and write! Hang in there and I agree with above posts, the only way to stay home is to take your meds. I have begged to be put in the hospital before I got on meds and now I don't want to go.

[Miss Laura]

Hey SmilingMask,

Thanks

Ye, its a real pain isn't it!!Ye everything is just OTT at the moment isn't it. I try my best to stay on meds and be compliant and all that jazz but its so friggin hard. I get jittery too moving around, tapping my feet, diddling my legs, fidgetting, eyes wandering.... I too sign up for things online which is sooo never a good idea is it lol I soon regret it and feel like a total plank for doing it.

I hope you find some stability soon, give me a buzz if you need a chat

[CupcakeQueen]

Originally Posted by Miss Laura

I know you guys are right I really do. I do feel more free at night when no-one is around and I can be just me. Ye I am moody in front of my family but they have never from what I am aware of seen me in a "happy" "hyper" "manic" mood. I took my morning meds at 3pm. Better late than never huh!! I am stuck in doors all the time as I don't go out. I don't really want to sleep as I have nightmares sometimes and that has kinda scared me. The Manager at the Organisation I attend told me they are delusions and I need to put them from my mind although its hard. She also has BP so can relate on so many levels. I am worried about having to be hospitalised. My CPN/Psych will ask about me taking my meds and I will say what..... I have stopped taking them or I have been good and compliant and been taking them. I don't want them to think I am uncompliant with my meds although I am most of the time. I haven't even told my friends as I am scared they get disappointed in me and get angry. I hate disappointing them. All I want is to be happy. But at the moment my life just doesn't like happiness. I have had a hard month- losing my job on ill health grounds and the battle I had there was unreal and everyone has said they would be surprised if I was just "ok" as it has been a really tough month/year. I want to prove to people I am fine. But then I think I am fine, I don't need meds. Maybe I am kinda like your Bro Lynn... hard to reason with- I really don't know. Decisions are so hard to make at the moment. I sat 1 night and put things into folders and colour co-orindated things. I have played sudoko, played games on internet, watched tv, wrote forever and everything is still manic. My writing makes me question is life real and is my life real. My time with friends.... is it real or is it a fantasy. Is my indestructability real or fantasy.... My CPN really is concerned about that and said I either stay safe or be sectioned yikes!! I am trying to stay safe I cross the roads at pedestrian crossings and feel like a right idiot as everyone else walks across the road when there is no traffic coming but I am standing there waiting for the wee green man to say its safe to cross the road. I start Tai Chi on Thursday I am nervous about that. I hate groups and I hate new things. My Support Worker from the Organisation is coming with me as 1:1 support. I am scared as this will be my 1st ever 1:1 support ever. I feel embarrassed talking to my family about BP and me. It took me 3 days to tell them I was going to Tai Chi on Thursday. I just feel small when I talk about BP/my group/me. I just wish my Mania would last me forever and be "ok" not major like it is now. Do I sound manic???? I know I feel it inside but can you guys tell??? My thoughts are pressured at the moment and I want to keep writing but I know it will be rubbish and you guys have your own things/stressors etc so I won't bother. I will just do writing if I need to. I can't even concentrate on reading despite buying a new book. I love fresh new books love the smell of them

Sorry rant/blahing over!!

Dreams aren't exactly delusions. They are the subconscious' way of acting out our deepest feelings, worries, etc. They are also sometimes the subconscious' way of warning us of the possible dangers that lay ahead on the path we are currently taking. Anyone who went to school to study psychology should have a better knowledge of dreams, ego, id, & superego than "it's all made up in your head".

Rather than be afraid to go to sleep, or try to forget that your nightmares even occur at all, you should probably look into dream interpretation. I've had a couple TERRIFYING nightmares recently about being murdered, my grandfather being murdered, being trapped in a mental institution where all of the patients are on a huge killing spree, having to kill others to survive. They were very gorey. I tried to scream to wake up, as I always know I'm dreaming when I'm asleep, but it didn't work, so I started to beleve I actually wasn't dreaming. It took me half an hour after waking up both times to realize that I was awake, not dead. I looked up what my dreams could mean, & I found that it is my subconscious' way of coping with the fact that I'm trying to change myself drastically. When you dream of being killed or chased, it means that you are essentially trying to "kill" a habit/trait, you're trying to change. The person chasing you/killing you represents what you fear, & in the dream, you are merely representing what you are trying to change about yourself. I hope that helps you a little in understanding your nightmares & that you look into that.

In regards to not taking your medication, I strongly suggest that you buckle down & take it. If you really want to get better, that's the most friendly way to yourself to do so. You won't necessarily have to take them forever. All mental illness is a chemical imbalance in the brain. The medications are designed to supplement whatever chemical your brain isn't producing enough of or counteract the chemical your brain is producing too much of. If use properly, medication can help your brain stabilize & learn to produce the proper amounts of these chemicals on its own. I think you definitely DO need to take your medications, but I'm sure in a few years, if you stick to it, you will be perfectly fine, which is clearly what you really want ultimately. You just have to tough it out & take your medications. If you can't do that, you should at least be honest & accept the hospitalization. Hospitalization doesn't necessarily have to be permanent, either. If you are hospitalized, you won't have the option to deny yourself treatment, & you will get better. Either way, I hope it all works out for you. (& yes, I can tell you're manic through your posts, but you shouldn't feel ashamed of that. It is NOT your fault, & you CAN get better. ) -hugs- Just hang in there.

[Miss Laura]

Hey CupCakeQueen,

Thanks for your post....

Sorry for the long posts you have to read. I am into writing lol. Should I tell my CPN/Psych and GP that I have not been taking my meds or just leave it out and hope they don't guess? I am worried that people will think I am crazy, which I'm not. I can't speak to friends as they worry more and more and I don't want to put that pressure on them. It's bedtime ish here and my Mum has gone to bed. Soon will be my Dad and Sister. I am not wanting to go just yet. I have been having more alcohol this weekend than any other time. I just want to go out and get drunk. Ye I am sitting drinking as I write this. Alcohol doesn't affect me in any way. I am pacing around, fidgetting more and more this is normal for me as I do this constantly. I am trying to think of things to write in my journal that I show to Psych and I am trying to word it so that he doesn't section me when he reads it lol!!! Can I use humour??

I just hate feeling like a little kid again.... routines and times for bed and people telling me I will feel better after taking my meds. I know everyone is doing their best to help me. Sometimes I feel I don't want/need help... is that ok/normal?

This is sooo hard as no-one in my family has BP so I am flying solo and fighting a losing battle with myself and my family just bug me. I think it would be better if I stayed on my own rather than in the family home... CPN has stated this would not be a good idea and I should remain in family home to stay safe.... GRRR!!!

[CupcakeQueen]

Originally Posted by Miss Laura

Hey CupCakeQueen,

Thanks for your post....

Sorry for the long posts you have to read. I am into writing lol. Should I tell my CPN/Psych and GP that I have not been taking my meds or just leave it out and hope they don't guess? I am worried that people will think I am crazy, which I'm not. I can't speak to friends as they worry more and more and I don't want to put that pressure on them. It's bedtime ish here and my Mum has gone to bed. Soon will be my Dad and Sister. I am not wanting to go just yet. I have been having more alcohol this weekend than any other time. I just want to go out and get drunk. Ye I am sitting drinking as I write this. Alcohol doesn't affect me in any way. I am pacing around, fidgetting more and more this is normal for me as I do this constantly. I am trying to think of things to write in my journal that I show to Psych and I am trying to word it so that he doesn't section me when he reads it lol!!! Can I use humour??

I just hate feeling like a little kid again.... routines and times for bed and people telling me I will feel better after taking my meds. I know everyone is doing their best to help me. Sometimes I feel I don't want/need help... is that ok/normal?

This is sooo hard as no-one in my family has BP so I am flying solo and fighting a losing battle with myself and my family just bug me. I think it would be better if I stayed on my own rather than in the family home... CPN has stated this would not be a good idea and I should remain in family home to stay safe.... GRRR!!!

I enjoy reading & have an obsession with writing, even when I have nothing in particular to write, I just practice different styles of writing & stuff, so I understand.

You should be as honest as possible with your therapist(s) because they are there to help you. By lying to them, you are hindering their ability to help you, & you stand less chance at getting better & at the very least are making it take longer for you to get better. Like I said, the fastest & easiest way for you to get better is to take your medications religiously & be 100% honest with your therapists.

You're not "crazy". You're not hallucinating. (That's my personal definition of someone being crazy in the literal sense.) However, you do have problems. Your mania races your thoughts & it shows in how you speak/type, & it is clearly hindering you due to your statement regarding losing your job because of it, so the best thing you can do for yourself is to accept that you are NOT "just fine" or "okay". You need help, & you DESERVE help. What you are going through isn't your fault, & as it's possible that you can easily get better by taking medication & talking to a therapist for a few years, if you really work at it & follow through, it only makes sense to do that for yourself.

You're lying to yourself in thinking that alcohol doesn't affect you. There's nothing wrong with going out drinking once in awhile. However, you should be EXTREMELY careful not to make it a habit because when it becomes a habit, it becomes a problem, & more problems are the LAST thing you need to deal with, especially ones that are completely unnecessary & avoidable.

I think when you're writing in a journal to show your psychiatrist, you should be serious & completely honest. Just put your actual thoughts & feelings in there. That's what will help him/her to help YOU. Think of it as a tool to help you help yourself indirectly to get better.

It's normal to "think" you're fine & normal. No one WANTS to have mental health problems. However, you really should make a conscious effort to acknowledge & accept what is happening, that it is not "normal", & that you DO need this help, then take it. It's what's best for you, whether it's entirely pleasant or not. I know taking pills SUCKS. I hate it, but it's easier than being institutionalized, right?

I agree with your therapist that it would be easiest & BEST for you to stay with your family until you are stable enough to hold down a job & pay your own bills. If you move out on your own while you are not stable enough to handle a job, you would probably end up homeless, & that is a whole new picnic basket FULL of problems. It would also significantly decrease the likelihood that you would get better. Just hang in there, & even if you DO move out & stop taking your medications, be honest with your therapist.

[Miss Laura]

Hey CupCakeQueen,

Thanks for replying... guess I'm in a chatty mood.

I know your completely right and I do acknowledge that I am being stubborn and "refusing" accepttance of being BP and having Mania and all that goes with it.

I just want it all to stop and everything is calm again. This whole year has been a mixture of Depression and Mania and everyone in RL know's my life has been topsy turvey. I try so hard to just be ok. As I said I keep it all in until night-time and then I come alive. I'm sitting watching this weeks Desperate Housewives and sitting on here. I think I am calmer tonight as I am not talking to any of the guys I speak to normally. So I guess maybe I am losing the Mania?

I will take meds tonight... is it ok if I still want to NOT take them though?

As much as I really want to move out I just don't have the money to move out. I am still in debt to my parents. I miss living away from my family though.... peace and quiet!!

I am scared to tell them in case they think I am really ill... I am not seeing my CPN till 6th June and my Psych 17th June so its still a long way away. I might be better by then.... probably will be better by the time I see Psych. I was thinking about seeing my GP and tell her but I have reframed from doing so. I have started hurting myself again and I know that is not good. It's nothing major, minor s/h'in so I know it's nothing major.

I have found it hard to accept that I have BP and that I am mentally ill and that I will always have this niggling over me. I was only diagnoised in Oct last year so its still rough at times. When I come here I collect so much info and it all makes sense. I do loads of research on BP too and I know I shouldn't as I scare myself.... My GP has actually warned me not to do this but it's comforting sometimes to do this.

I don't go out drinking any more I just drink in house and it's nothing major only a few vodka's and Irn Bru's lol nothing major. I have had issues with alcohol in the past ie 5 years ago but I am a lot more careful as that was my lowest point and I promised myself I wouldn't go down that road.

I know I have to be honest but I really don't want to hurt my family as they think I am fine and nothing is wrong. They are gonna be so mad that I never let them in... I have a Twin Sister and I can't even tell her. I don't want to EVER go into hospital and I know you are soooo right and I know this is ridiculous that I am 26 and feel like I am acting like a kid... I am sorry!!