[trampledon]

Hi all,

I'm new here and have registered to ask for some advice.

My partner and I (been together 12 years and have 2 children) recently split after I found she was having an affair.

We have been on and off for the past 5 or so years and last year when we last split she ended up on antidepressants after I suggested she consult a doctor about her feeling down.

Her moods over the past year have been a little up and down but the last 3 or so months she has been quite - different.

She has overspent on designer clothes and then lied to me, she has gone out drinking a lot more and her moods are sometimes the opposite of what you'd expect from a depressed person. These and the affair are quite out-of-character.

She is currently not talking to me at all since I found out (as if I have been bad for finding out) and as I'm not living there any more she is very distant with me (very distant and quite angry with me). I still go to see the kids but it feels very awkward.

I feel she would benefit from being assessed but cant possibly suggest that to her as she is now. Her parents tell me 'she is fine' and make me feel like I'm trying to make her out to be crazy!

As some of you guys on here are BP and others have dealt with BP with loved ones; what are your thoughts?

Would I be out of order going to speak with her doctor and letting them know what I know? Or would this be regarded as intrusion and a no-no!?

I've been through this before with her where she puts all these walls up towards me and puts an act on for her parents etc. She always seems to blame me for her feelings/moods and she knows I know her so very well so I guess she wants me out of the picture whilst she is like this. I only want to help her and try and get our family and lives back on track.

Since this time we split over an affair I cant help but think she is on a self destruct path and maybe this time she wont open up to me again. I'm worried about her and the effects all this is having on the kids!

Any suggestions on how to approach this?

[Forgive77]

Oh Boy......is she on a mood stabilizer as well as the antidepressants? If she isn't and her mood is still up and down and manic crazy....it's a pretty good litmus test for bipolar disorder. In which case you're most likely going to have to wait until she crashes, and wants to come back. (In my opinion) There is no way you can talk to her right now when she is this irrational and angry.

If you're going to go to a doctor...go for yourself first. Don't tell her, because she may chalk it up to you doing something sneaky, and trying to get her locked up. Go so you can learn how to cope with her, and her disease, and get some comfort in knowing it's not all you.

Parents often don't want to admit something is wrong because it means it's hereditary or they "missed" something. It's a lot to take at a conscience level for a parent. Plus....they raised her. They are used to her...so they may not see anything as wrong.

I blamed my husband for my getting bored in our relationship. He does work a lot, but I've had to find other things to do. Don't blame yourself. I think you're just going to have to wait until she comes down....and that might be when she runs out of money, or something else.

Best of luck to you. You're awesome for caring so much to help. That's not common!!

[mokie]

It does sound like she is in a manic episode. I was there for so long. It won't help trying to get her to understand till she is in a more stable state of mind. If you know her so well you should be able to see when this is or when she gets to the other end of the mania.

As for you finding out and her beeing anger and distant. It could be cause she is in this mania episode and her feelings and actions are not going to be of her true self. I blamed my husband for me not being happy in our marriage. I started going out drinking and having way to much fun. Had affair and would even let him know I was. My husband tried to tell me something was wrong but I could not see anything that I was possible doing was wrong. It was him who was wrong. Finally in a more stable time he sat me down and I had to make a choice of staying and getting better or him and daughter leaving. Things are way better now and I finally accepted and learned it was my BP causing the spending, affairs, and lots more issues. If you had been to your wifes appoitments with the doctor who prescribed her the anti depressants he may listen to you if you reach him. It's really hard to say what you can do right now. Just don't give up. I have been dealing with my illness since I was first diagnosed over 20 yrs ago but just recently learned what I really had and accepted it. Been married to my high school sweetheart for 17 yrs. So you still have a chance to work things out.

forgive77 has a point, you need to get help for yourself. See a therapist first and explain what is going on. This is not your fault and it sounds like you really care and love her.

As for your kids it would benefit them to see a counselor. It effected my daughter really bad but now things are getting better. Also not to cause you any worry but when I would take my daughter with me in this manic state I was no good for her. I had taken her with me at one time where we went to a lake. I was so manic and drank to much. She was drowning and I could not do anything to help her. Luckly my friends were being watchful of all the children and saved her. So I would be careful with your children. I am not saying she could harm or put them in harms way cause I don't know her. Just wanted you to know that it could be possible.

Wish there was more that I could share.

[trampledon]

Thanks very much for your replies and advice.

When I last see her last weekend she was on a major cleaning spree throughout the house; this is quite typical of her when we've split up before. She hasnt shown much interest in talking to me and often says 'enough has been said and talking about it wont change anything'.

She isnt physically angry to me, I can just sense she doesnt want me around and doesnt want to talk to me about anything other than the kids. She is quite blunt about us and our relationship -thats all history to her.

She is still in the house with both the kids and her mum is always there. When it's like this (me out the house) I think she feels safer as she gets good support through goverment benefits if she works a certain amount of hours a week. She has been doing a few more shifts lately since we split; it's like she's trying to block out the problems and just get on with things and used to being on her own.

She had already been a little irresponsible with our youngest (4 yrs old), taking him to a friends house up the road and sitting with him in the friends living room with a group of adults drinking and smoking. This was the weekend after we split (2 weeks ago). Luckily her daughter (teenager) came home and found her there with her little brother and put her mother straight about what she was doing.

I find it hard to see her enough right now to try and work out what mood she is in. As time goes by I'll try and make more regular visits to see the kids and of course I'll be able to see her more. However, it feels like her mother is always there watching over me!!!

I know she has been to the doctors and that she is now reducing her dosage of antidepressant. I dont know if she has spoken to the doctor about her behaviour in which case she might well have convinced the doctor she simply doesnt need them any more - I just dont know. Would reducing the dosage have much affect within a week or so do you know (from 40mg to 20mg)?

She started the affair at the beginning of May. It wasnt an emotional affair as she had met this guy that night (at least not at first). She has been to see him twice since then before I confronted her about it and we split. So its hard to work out how long she has been going through this mood swing (lying, cheating, over spending etc.). It's about 2 months this weekend (since she met this guy) but i guess that she could have been in this mood swing for ages before actually having the affair!

Also, as i'm typing this. Her teengae daughter just told me that her mother has been away since friday and that her brother is at the house with the kids! I'm off to take them out for a few hours.

[Miss Laura]

Hey Trampledon,

I think if your Partner is in denial which is a clear yes, and her Mum is also in denial saying she is fine which is also a clear yes then maybe you have to step in and say no everything isn't fine and if that means you going to her Doctor's then so be it. Do you think you can chat to the teenager about her Mum's behaviour? Maybe this is an alternative speaking to the teenager and letting her tell you about her Mum's behaviour.

Sometimes if we are far gone like your Partner is we need oour loved ones to tell us that we are not well and need intervention ie meds, doctors, hospital etc.

Hope this kinda helps

[trampledon]

Thanks Miss Laura.

I do think she is in denial, yes. And her mum just doesnt see any problem with her; not even a problem with her behaviour!!!

Her daughter is like my own, I've helped bring her up for the past 12 years. We spoke today and she cleary knows that her mum isnt her usual self. She told me her mum went to the local shop and purchased alchahol for her and her friends to drink whilst walking around the village!!! They're only early teens for gods sake! Her mother would never usually do such a thing so she clearly isnt thinking properly, her judment is totally out of the window. However, her daughter mentions that her mum wont really listen to her; it's like she is wrapped up in her own little world, yet she'll do dumb things like buy them alchahol (just to kind of shut her up and get her out the way)!

I think maybe an appointment with her doctor is possibly the only way. I know they cant tell me anything (patient confidentiality) but they can listen to what I know about their patient surely! If I was to say to her that I thought she was ill, right now, she would just say I'm being stupid and talking rubbish.

When I dropped the kids off just 30 minutes ago she answered the door and said hello to the kids in a very chirpy voice (as if she hadnt a care in the world). No eye contact with me at all and no real hello or good bye - anyone would think I have had an affair. I know she was angry about me telling her dad what has happened; I thought it might be a good idea as i cant be around all that much.

This is so very confusing and the kids are being affected. Her daughter told me today she is seeing a councilor at her school after a teacher noticed she had been acting differently - I'm so worried. Our youngest is constantly encouraged to play games on the Wii, just to shut him up and get him out the way almost.

[madisgram]

welcome, trampledon. it sounds to me, tho i'm no pdoc, that her antidepressant is causing an adverse reaction. this sometimes happens. i'm bipolar and take a mood stabalizer as well as an antidepressant-i need both.
yes, you can call or write a letter to her doc. he/she cannot discuss with you about your gf but you can offer the information to him/her, share your concern and perhaps it will ultimately help re what meds are right for her.
NOTE i'm hoping she sees a psychiatrist for her meds.

[trampledon]

OK, so I called and spoke with her doctor this morning. I explained that her behaviour was irrational and irrisponsible.

The doctor listened and added notes to her record. However, as I expected, she cant get involveld until my expoartner goes back to the doctors. The doctor did ask if I could persuade her to get an appointment and I expl,ained that I'm not currently living there and that she avoids conversation with me. So, all I can do is this week try and see if she will talk to me and listen to me and maker an appointment at the doctors. I'm not holding my breath though!

[trampledon]

OK, I called her doctor this morning. She wasnt very helpful or reassuring to be honest. All she suggested was that I talked to her and get her to come into the surgery! I know this wont work; should I give it a try anyway?

The doctor did say she has added my comments and concerns to her notes though!

I'm a little beside myself today; worries sick about her and the kids!

[Miss Laura]

Hey Trampledon,

That was the best thing you could of done for your Partner. It's on file now that there is some serious concerns about her welfare.

I would try and approach the subject and say that you would be more than happy to accompany her if she would like. I know personally I took my best friend with me she waited in the waiting room but that was all I needed someone to take me there as I would not have went otherwise.

[trampledon]

I hope I've done the right thing.

I went around the house this evening on my way back from work. Myself and my expartner had a coffee and a ciggy in the garden and she seemed quite calm and 'normal' to be honest! I didnt mention anything about 'us' even though we've been split for 3 weeks and after 12 years she has nothing to say about the matter.

Could I have got this all wrong?

But, I know what I know; she has been acting recklessly and she has been irrational. She has been acting out of character from the woman I know her to be after so long.

Is this in any way typical of somebody with BP; to be reckless and irrational one day and appear quite calm and normal the next? I'm confused!

If the last episode is anything to go by (April last year) I'd expect her become quite withdrawn and somewhat depressed next.

Sometimes I think I might be reading things into the situation to convince myself that she wouldnt possibly do such nasty things to me - like I'm blaming her actions on BP when she is in fact completely fine and just wants to move on!

I didnt find the opportunity to ask her about her medication though; I totally avoided asking anything about medication, our relationship etc.

By the way; I really appreciate all your replies so far.

[Miss Laura]

Hey Trampledon,

It's sounding like she has had maybe a mixed episode, some mania and maybe normality??? mixed in. Sometimes mania can last a prolonged time or just a few days if she is a rapidcycler. I can only say this cause sometimes I can be like that. 1 min hyper and doing stupid things and the next I am fine or a little low.

Keep an eye on your ex's moods when you see her or the kids and make maybe a list of how she has been on these days with the behaviour? I know your ex will probably not thank you for it but you are definately doing the right thing

[trampledon]

Thanks for the advice; I'm now noting down her moods and actions.

Do you think, from what I have said so far, that I may be right in thinking she is suffering from BP? It's quite confusing, the different moods and attitudes and outlook on life, not too mention her hurtful actions!

I guess, her actions over the next few weeks will help me make up my mind; and then to try and communicate this to her - seems unreal!

[Forgive77]

Originally Posted by trampledon

Thanks for the advice; I'm now noting down her moods and actions.

Do you think, from what I have said so far, that I may be right in thinking she is suffering from BP? It's quite confusing, the different moods and attitudes and outlook on life, not too mention her hurtful actions!

I guess, her actions over the next few weeks will help me make up my mind; and then to try and communicate this to her - seems unreal!

I'm not a doctor, but I think it is something that needs to be looked into. She needs to talk to someone and be tested, but in my own opinion the fact that she's on antidepressants, and is acting this way...sounds pretty bipolar. But again that's just my opinion.

[trampledon]

I see my (x)partner and the kids yesterday evening again. She appeared to be in quite a normal, more stable mood as the day before. I'm tempted to try and talk to her about this now; maybe this evening.

How should I go about this?

I could say that I dont think she was totally responsible for all her actions over the past 2-3 months, and that her medication may have been the cause. Then suggest she goes to the doctors and explains everything that has happened. However, she has already been to the doctors and as far as I am aware has asked to come of the medication, but without telling the doctor all that has a happened.

Or, I could suggest we both go to the doctors together and explain what has happened. That way I can give my account of everything.

Or, I could tell her what I understand and perhaps show her some articles about BP and the causes of antidepressants wrongly prescribed and the effects this may have had on her. Obviously, going this route I'd be telling her I think she has BP and I'm not sure how she'll react.

Any thoughts or suggestions welcomed...

Also, I'm not to confident of the GPs at our doctors. Is it possible to see a specialist without referral from her GP? We are in the UK.

[Cole Thornton]

Who gave her the antidepressants- a GP or psychiatrist? My wife did virtually the same thing after antidepressants given by her GP made her seriously manic. If it is a GP, that doctor needs to refer her to a psychiatrist ASAP for a proper diagnosis, though I bet it will be BPD.

I know what you are going through, and you have my prayers. It is difficult to get someone who is manic to actually see what they are doing to themselves and those around them.

[trampledon]

Hi Cole, yes her GP gave her the antidepressants about 10 months ago.

I cant help but worry that the GP might not see the connection with her behaviour and the antidepressants and simply take her off them. Maybe I should just have faith in our GP that she will see the link and refer her as you mentioned.

However, I'm not sure how I should go about telling her, as mentioned in my previous post. I worry about mentioning BP to her in case she thinks I'm trying to label her. If she hears it from a doctor, thats different!

[Forgive77]

I don't know her or how she would react.

You might want to come to her with love and concern, and not mention the BP, or what you suspect. Maybe you could suggest going to the doctor with her because she is not acting like herself, and is acting quite out of character. Tell her it's not her fault, and you think she needs something else besides the antidepressants.

At the GP you can tell him that she had been on antidepressants alone, and has acted much differently, and explain the collateral damage, and what you have observed.

I believe he should get what you are trying to say without her going ballistic if she even agrees to go with you.

Hope it all works out for you. It's a very touchy situation.

[trampledon]

Thanks so much for all your replies with advice and support.

I left work early and went around the house. They were having dinner and my xpartner offered my some, which I accepted. She seemed quite calm and normal but I can tell if I was to ask her to come to the doctors with me she'd point blank refuse and say she is now fine with everything. Its like I know what she is going to say.

I'm wondering if its worth leaving for a while longer, perhaps another 2 or 3 weeks. I cant tell if she is on a high or a low or a mix or if she is now actually her normal self. But I do know she will put up walls and deny anything is wrong when I confront her with my concerns. I also know she has no intentions of getting back with me; this is quite typical of previous breakups between us; however as things have gone so much further this time she might think its best we dont revisit the relationship. I think she has freaked herself out. Plus, before now she has expressed how much she hates herself for hurting me in the past.

Have any of you guys been this way?

How long did it take for you to open up and listen to your other half after a big fallout like this?

Its as if she has decided to be on her own with the kids and accept this is life and thats that. I fear that if I try and talk her into coming to the doctors with me she will intentionally avoid me altogether and even get paranoid of me.

[trampledon]

Ok, I spoke with her tonight. She was perfectly carm and after a bit of persuasion she has agreed to come back to the doctors with me tomorrow morning.

She also said if she was to be referred to a councilor that it would be waste of time as she doesn't like to talk about personal things to strangers and she'll just lie!

So, who knows! I'm gonna look silly tomorrow if the doctor doesn't see a link and doesn't refer her!

[Forgive77]

That's great!!!! She agreed to go!!!

Write everything down, so you don't forget. Or have the receptionist give the GP a note you have written before she's been seen. That or fax it in. If you are worried they wont get the point. But the GP should.

Yeay!!! One step at a time.

[Miss Laura]

Hey Trampledon,

WOOHOO!! That is great she is willing to see her GP. The GP will try and coax it out of her if she is hiding anything and will probably refer back to your concerns too. This is definately the right path. Also if she does get to see a Consellor they are pretty good and intune to know when we are lying and when we are holding information back from them

That is great news though!!

[trampledon]

Spoke too soon. She has bailed out by text message and won't reply. She said its too soon!