Anyone ever feel like you are on a sinking ship with no life boat? I think we probably all do at times.

My ship has set sail I'm afraid. After being psychotically manic for the last 2 and a half months things have shifted. I was afraid it might be shifting but after a few more days of being down in the dumps I realize it's here to stay. Getting lower everyday. I'm am already so tired, exhausted, sheer worn out. I feel like a rusty can that keeps getting kicked around and ran over that no one wants to toss in the trash.

I'm contemplating calling my pdoc now. I am way to worn out to handle another episode right now. The thing is antidepressants are out of the question. I feel like whats the point of calling, and am I just being a whiner. I usually try to handle the depression on my own, but I am too beat up already.

I've spent almost the entire last year and a half in one episode or another. I know I rapid cycle but I'm tired.

Wondering if the lithium is not working, did it ever work? I've never been stable for more then two months in the last 5 years I've been taking it. I've done two intensive psych programs, therapy, don't drink or do drugs, have a very regular responsible routine, I've read and researched a ton. So why is it I cannot get myself into remission, tried so many combinations of meds.

I've been cycling like this since I was about 17, so for the last 15 years. I am soooooooooo tired, I can't stress how tired I am enough. I read about people who are in remission for good lengths and I feel so dumbfounded. Why can't I have this too? I've tried so hard and I am so open to people's suggestions, just doesn't feel fair. I feel like I am getting a very raw end of the deal. My dad was bipolar and it was very sad, he was never ever well, fully psychotic, but he made many unhealthy choices. I'm trying to make healthy choices but look so similar to him. Sorry ranting I guess. That really freaks me out and makes me terrified.

I just want it so badly, and it seems so out of reach. Right now I hate Bipolar 1 soo much I just want to be done!! It's a painful, insidious, crippling disease. Oh sure.. it's not discriminating, that much is clear.

Thanks for listening,
Anika

P.S. What are the odds the psychosis is going to follow me into depression? Oh yes and working on that eating disorder right now, I don't think so.

[palemoss]

what is your diet and exercise like ? have you gone in for a physical? i am only saying this because i think diet/exercise are the first things people need to really fix when they want to get better.

i have bipolar ii so no psychotic symptoms, although i have heard voices on occasion very late at night, perhaps i was lucid dreaming - anyway, i find that when i am exercising my manic symptoms decrease not by a whole lot but it's not as full blown.

and during the depressed periods (like the first 4 months of the year for me). eating right, not being too full, and getting fresh air during my jogs helped me. also imagining a better future - yup, daydreaming. it can do wonders.

feel better honey, xo

Palemoss,

I have had a physical not long ago, I checked out ok, anemic ( I take iron shots) but nothing new. I checked out better then idid a few years ago. I am starting treatment for anorexia which I have been dealing with for many many years. I am at an ok weight at the moment, thanks to Zyprexa. So the ED is not a positive diet wise. I get a lot of exercise, I walk everywhere as I don't drive. I rollerblade, bike, hike, run, and snowboard amongst other activities.

I try as hard to remain positive as I can despite the challenges of being on disability and my kids are pretty great, low stress for the most part.

I am def not eating enough protein, I've been adding protein powder to my food as dietitians request. Thanks, those are good points.

Oh and I forgot, I thought I had been good while manic. I was just thinking, I bought a 46 inch sony tv. I first bought a 40 inch, then the 46 inch with plans to return the first. ( have them both still). The whole set of gilmore girl seasons to replace the ones I have if they wear out, a bunch of other stuff, like wii charging stations and games, even tho I never play it. Maybe went a bit overboard with my sons birthday presents, and clothing.

Ugggggggggh seriously, why didn't I notice this. I am on disability and I am always so tight with my money. Just a nice reality of mania after math. I always think I'm doing so good with my mania, till I am no longer manic and can actually realize what I've done.

I also talked way to much to family members, sharing deep secrets I'd never share with anyone, Of coarse I was the one doing the sharing, and now I wished I hadn't. FML!

[palemoss]

Originally Posted by Anika

Palemoss,

I have had a physical not long ago, I checked out ok, anemic ( I take iron shots) but nothing new. I checked out better then idid a few years ago. I am starting treatment for anorexia which I have been dealing with for many many years. I am at an ok weight at the moment, thanks to Zyprexa. So the ED is not a positive diet wise. I get a lot of exercise, I walk everywhere as I don't drive. I rollerblade, bike, hike, run, and snowboard amongst other activities.

I try as hard to remain positive as I can despite the challenges of being on disability and my kids are pretty great, low stress for the most part.

I am def not eating enough protein, I've been adding protein powder to my food as dietitians request. Thanks, those are good points.

yeah. i think your ED is a major mediator in your unhappiness. doesn't sound too good.

[Phoenix_1]

Have you tried cutting up your credit cards? That may help with the spending problem. If you do choose to, do NOT write the number down anywhere. That prevents spending online, where you don't need a physical card, just a number.
Years ago, my ex-husband made me cut up the credit cards. It was a sad sad day, but necessary.
Me, I declared bankruptcy 6 years ago, had a car repossessed 3 years ago, they won't give me a credit card. But when I spend the rent money, that's really bad. I'm on unemployment insurance sick benefits right now, so I don't have a lot to spare. When I go shopping I take cash with me and a list and I always leave the debit card at home. I have a prepaid mastercard, but I never put more than $100 on it at one time. That saves me from massive online shopping.

I don't have any credit cards. I always use cash for everything, I am a bit old fashioned that way. I am on disability so I don't have a lot to spare either, and "normal" me is quite frugal.

As for the ED part, well overall I am not an unhappy person. I am unhappy with the bipolar. So to me it seems less like true unhappiness and more so illness. When I am in normal mode, I am good. People always tell me how positive I am.

The anorexia isn't very text book with me. I started at 5 for control, it's always been more about control than body image. I go through periods where I do very well for a long time, and periods where I do poorly. It's been a coping skill for many years, so I think it might be a bit different for me, I have an ok self esteem, body image isn't too bad. When I am stressed and everything seems out of control I starve and it can be hard to get back on track, like an addiction.

[dragonfly2]

Oh, hon...I'm sorry to hear that you've crashed so hard. Do be wary about the psychosis, as it can certainly follow into the depression. That's when I usually get my hallucinations and some paranoia, during the depressions. I get delusional during manias.

Can you return the TVs at least? I hope some of it can go back.

I know you can't use antidepressants....have you ever tried ECT? Or maybe you could be a candidate for vagus nerve stimulation? It's an implant and usually an outpatient procedure and has had some good reviews in treating depression. I have a bipolar friend who has one and it seems to be helping her. It won't do anything for the mania as far as I'm aware, but maybe it could resolve the depression and stop the cycling in its tracks.

Above all, stay safe. If you need to go into the hospital, please go. Your kids need you to be there for them in the long term and it may require a little bit of time away now. I'm sorry you've had to watch your father struggle. We have so many more options now than our parents had (my mother suffered from psychotic depression). It doesn't make it any easier, but there is more hope for us. You are already a step ahead by making healthier choices than he did. One healthy choice right now would be calling your pdoc. Hang in there.

[zbmom]

You should definitely call your pdoc, I know you're tired, but you don't have to handle this alone, you're not alone. You're sick, you probably will always have to help the chemicals in your body a little bit. I've been hearing something about getting enough fat and protein in your diet being good for depression. Do you eat enough cheeses, and meats, and butter and stuff like that? Fish?

[Phoenix_1]

Some things to try to help with your ED


Fish oil supplements are sooo good for the brain. When my ex partner used to take them he always said he felt better psychologically. (And he was much less b***chy) I take them when I remember - LOL. Get a good brand of fish oil: sardines, herring and krill are best. The smaller the fish, the less mercury in the supplement. Some supplements are distilled to remove mercury. Read labels. And if you keep the capsules in the freezer, there is no fishy aftertaste at all. Omega 3's are recommended for any brain problems, and they're also recommended to little kids whose brains are growing. My grandkids take fish oil supplements. And B vitamins are good for the nerves, especially B6. It's best to take a B complex with all 10 B vitamins - they work synergistically. A good multi from a health food store can help a lot. The drug store brands don't have therapeutic levels of the vitamins, just the RDA, which is miniscule.

They are not a substitute for protein which is absolutely essential to have in your diet. If you don't eat enough protein, your muscles are broken down by your body for food. Not good.


You say you have some protein powder from the health food/body building store? I used to drink a smoothie with whey protein, milk, and greens every morning. I used green with berries added to prevent the yuck factor of greens. Some people like the taste though. The greens powder adds 4 -5 servings of veggies/fruit, depending on the brand. I also added some ground flaxseed or 1 T. of flax oil. I drank the smoothie about 8:00 am and I wasn't hungry until 2 - 3:00. That was really helpful when I had my store because I didn't take lunch break until 2:00. I need to start again. You can just shake it up in a shaker cup - I had one from Tupperware. Or you could add berries or other fruit and use a blender. I keep frozen berries in the fridge and you could just pop them in. MMM good. They have all kinds of protein powders - I used whey isolate made from New Zealand milk (which means they took out the fat and chloresterol). There's also vegan protein powders made from legumes and other green foods, and rice or soy, which is also vegan. Rice is not a complete protein so you need to add milk to it. The vegan and soy are complete proteins. If you're vegan, add almond, soy, or rice milk to the protein powder instead of cow's milk.


I did the protein powder thing to stay full to 2:00, and to save time in the morning - I always ran late. And for the convenience factor. It's so quick and easy, and tastes good.


Hope this helps - you need to eat to be healthy mentally and physically.

Dragonfly, thanks
I can return some of it, I got my boyfriend to help me figure it out, thank god.

Vagus stimulation implant, I looked it up , sounds really interesting. Who know what the future might hold. My immediate thoughts were "implant, oh dear, what if I got delusions about the implants and wanted to get them out", I am always worried because as I age I seem to only get worse, this could be an future option.

Zbmom,
Thanks for that, I am lactose intolerant I do eat a bit of goat cheese here and there, I really should be be taking a D supplement. As far as meat goes, I eat some, but not much, I was vegetarian for years and I added some meat back due to my health but I do not like eating it, fish isn't too bad tho, I can get it down with out gagging on it at least.

Phoenix,
Thanks for all the ideas! I was taking fish oil a few months ago and I ran out, intended to go get more. Now that you reminded me I am going to go get some today. I felt good when I was taking it. I was taking it mostly for my skin, eczema, and break outs caused by lithium. Man it did wonders for my skin amongst other things. I was taking it in oil form form the health food store, not pill form. My kids take a kids version, it helps them focus at school.

I also did an intensive addition of intestinal flora, as i have many many stomach issues. Which from what I read should be good for your overall health. I take a B complex vitamin, and a good multi-vitamin as well. I havn't noticed any difference with the B's, I've been taking them for years in hopes they would help my mood.

The protein is called Beneprotein, my dietician gave it to me, for diabetics I believe. I put in a little bit of hot cereal or some almond milk. It's not that yummy tho, this kind. I think she gave me this one because it is low in calories, where many of the others have enough calories to put me off. I get all my vitamins at the health food store because I think the quality maybe better, or I am a sucker. And because you can get many of them in plant based capsules instead of animal based capsules which is easier on the tummy.

So I better get that fish oil again, and maybe I should add a D and calcium, my dietician was quite concerned about my calcium stores. And a C vitamin as well, because I had joked to her about my fruit aversion, how the one piece of fruit I eat twice a year to hopefully ward of scurvy, and her reaction was, "that is not enough you can still get scurvy!!" yikes.

I am supposed to be drinking boost calories plus, however the calories freak me out, not to mention the price.
Thanks for your help and support everyone, I truly truly truly want to get better. And it means a lot to me that you are here supporting me.

I had an awful sleep as I have a bad cough, and I wound have having some very very unpleasant night terror. doesn't happen often now that I'm an adult, but every once in a while. However I feel a little better today, and the sun is actually out, it's been raining everyday for almost the entire summer (not typical for here at all).

It was my sons birthday yesterday, so I took them to a movie in the afternoon, and tried to keep my spirits up for him and then my boyfriend took us all out for dinner. I think that helped for now, having some nice quality time with my family. hoping today will be better.

Also I was able to delay his party for a week or so as his cousins are all out of town. That helps, to not have to worry about all the organizing right at the moment.

[dragonfly2]

Glad you can return some of the items. That will hopefully help things feel a bit better. I hadn't thought about the implant/delusion possibility. Good point. But know that it could be an option to look into if things don't improve. I hope you get some sunshine today. I'd gladly give you some of ours!! We're in the middle of a nasty heat wave. Thank God for air conditioning.

Yesterday went ok. Today... Freaking horrible. I have cried most of the day. Just can't keep it together. All I can thinking my head over and over is I don't want to be hear. My boyfriend had to go out out town today so he made sure I was setup wit some sand paper and we got me some paint to refinished an old side table I have here. It's actually a really good table that will look awesome in a nice red, old farmhouse. Hopefully now I find the actually gumption to get it out side and sand it. And not sit inside and cry.

[dragonfly2]