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  #1  
Old Aug 14, 2011, 07:53 AM
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widgets widgets is offline
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I'm so sick of myself and i think everyone else should be too.
I'm so selfish and i cant help it.
I know i need to take myself away from my friends and stop inflicting them with my crazy ways, but i cant do that cause i need them WAY TOO much.
They'd be better off with out me.
I need the strength to walk away, get my head sorted so i can actually be a proper friend and not a paranoid, anxious, possessive, insecure waste of space mess that i am now.
i'm up, i'm down and round and round and i dont know where i'm going or coming from, i cant form my own opinions because i cant think straight, the voices in my head are telling me how rubbish and awful i am and that everyone is so much better off without me.
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh, i'm seriously going crazy.
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  #2  
Old Aug 14, 2011, 08:00 AM
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Omers Omers is offline
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Hugs
I have been a difficult person to be friends with before and have had friends that were going through difficult times making it stressful to stand by them. BUT that is what friends do, that is what we are here for. If your friends need to I am sure they can do what they need to keep themselves and the relationship safe. Honestly it isn't fair for you to make a unilateral decision that you are too much for your friends... There is more than one person in a relationship and it isn't your job to decide if they want to stay with you through the storm. Those of us not in the storm can see it is temporary, it will pass and that when id does you have so very much to offer that it was well worth weathering the storm.
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  #3  
Old Aug 14, 2011, 08:50 AM
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widgets widgets is offline
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I worry so much i'm going to lose them all.. if i'm up they love me, but they get tired easily and i get bored and restless with them. If i'm down i accuse them of hating me and plotting against me. Why do they put up with it?
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  #4  
Old Aug 14, 2011, 08:58 AM
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SunAngel SunAngel is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by widgets View Post
I'm so sick of myself and i think everyone else should be too.
I'm so selfish and i cant help it.
I know i need to take myself away from my friends and stop inflicting them with my crazy ways, but i cant do that cause i need them WAY TOO much.
They'd be better off with out me.
I need the strength to walk away, get my head sorted so i can actually be a proper friend and not a paranoid, anxious, possessive, insecure waste of space mess that i am now.
i'm up, i'm down and round and round and i dont know where i'm going or coming from, i cant form my own opinions because i cant think straight, the voices in my head are telling me how rubbish and awful i am and that everyone is so much better off without me.
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh, i'm seriously going crazy.
Relationships are a 2-way street. If they cannot take being your friend, it is their loss. Friends are supposed to know things about you and accept you for who you are.

You are definitely not a waste of space. You are a very important person, and DO NOT listen to voices in your head. I know you started an anti-pyschotic. Are you taking it as prescribed?

If you feel you need a break from your friends for your own health, let them know why you are doing this and they will be there when you are able to come back to them.

Friends are supposed to love you for you, and I am sure your friends do love you for YOU!
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When life keeps knocking you down again and again, get up, dust yourself off, give it the finger and continue on.
  #5  
Old Aug 14, 2011, 10:42 AM
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widgets widgets is offline
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I know they do and they tell me they do, but i convince myself otherwise and come up with lots of evidence as to why they cant love me.
I need to break from them to get my head straight because i cant see it clearly while i am still in the situation.
I'm lactimal, not starting an anti-psychotic until i am up to the full does of lactimal because we want to do one thing at a time as i am also now starting EMDR.
I feel like such a burden to them.
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  #6  
Old Aug 14, 2011, 10:55 AM
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widgets widgets is offline
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http://www.medhelp.org/user_trackers...A00+-0500+2009

If you look at my mood tracker, its gone crazy since i started the lactimal, so do u think its not helping or does it take a while to setlle down?
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  #7  
Old Aug 14, 2011, 11:30 AM
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madisgram madisgram is offline
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widgets, this may help you and your relationships with friends...
http://www.ehow.com/how_2084465_have...asy-steps.html
and we are all human. be kinder to yourself. learning to love and accept ourselves enables us to reach out to others in a healthier way. hope this helps you. we care about you.
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Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand
Thanks for this!
widgets
  #8  
Old Aug 14, 2011, 12:20 PM
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Beezup2 Beezup2 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by widgets View Post
I'm so sick of myself and i think everyone else should be too.
I'm so selfish and i cant help it.
I know i need to take myself away from my friends and stop inflicting them with my crazy ways, but i cant do that cause i need them WAY TOO much.
They'd be better off with out me.
I need the strength to walk away, get my head sorted so i can actually be a proper friend and not a paranoid, anxious, possessive, insecure waste of space mess that i am now.
i'm up, i'm down and round and round and i dont know where i'm going or coming from, i cant form my own opinions because i cant think straight, the voices in my head are telling me how rubbish and awful i am and that everyone is so much better off without me.
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh, i'm seriously going crazy.
I noticed you called yourself selfish but immediately followed with, "I can't
help it." No, we CAN'T always help it. We have behavior and thoughts that are symptoms of our illness and it is what it is. Like you, when I get indecisive, I now don't apologize or feel shocked or sad about it. I just tell others, "Oh, having trouble with (blank i.e. my memory, my emotions, making up my mind - whatever) today." And keep moving. It's acceptance but it's also NOT apologizing to others. Just an acknowledgement -period.

So often my bipolar is about distorted thinking...if we didn't have that, than we'd be well, eh? So I try to put a hold on my negative, distorted or paranoid thinking - get through the episode with help - then I can look back and say: "Boy, I 'm glad I didn't do this or wow, I sure feel differently now!"

And what would we do without friends to give us a little reality check as we struggle getting ourselves back on track? A few days ago I called my sister to read her an assignment I'd been hung up on for days. I was ready to GO OFF on someone but she said, "You know I see it another way - you're overthinking this!" And I was, and I was about to make a mistake. Her perspective was worth it's weight in gold. Hope this helps in some way and things get better for you soon.

Quote from my therapist: "Don't believe the lies of depression."
Thanks for this!
SunAngel, widgets
  #9  
Old Aug 14, 2011, 12:39 PM
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Anneinside Anneinside is offline
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As you have stated, you are not up to a therapeutic level on Lamictal therefore you cat yet judge if it will work for you. Give it some time. To keep friendships we have to take control and not act on every thought. A therapist can also help you improve your relationships. So if you don't have one then please consider getting one.
  #10  
Old Aug 14, 2011, 01:25 PM
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widgets widgets is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Beezup2 View Post
I noticed you called yourself selfish but immediately followed with, "I can't
help it." No, we CAN'T always help it. We have behavior and thoughts that are symptoms of our illness and it is what it is. Like you, when I get indecisive, I now don't apologize or feel shocked or sad about it. I just tell others, "Oh, having trouble with (blank i.e. my memory, my emotions, making up my mind - whatever) today." And keep moving. It's acceptance but it's also NOT apologizing to others. Just an acknowledgement -period.

So often my bipolar is about distorted thinking...if we didn't have that, than we'd be well, eh? So I try to put a hold on my negative, distorted or paranoid thinking - get through the episode with help - then I can look back and say: "Boy, I 'm glad I didn't do this or wow, I sure feel differently now!"

And what would we do without friends to give us a little reality check as we struggle getting ourselves back on track? A few days ago I called my sister to read her an assignment I'd been hung up on for days. I was ready to GO OFF on someone but she said, "You know I see it another way - you're overthinking this!" And I was, and I was about to make a mistake. Her perspective was worth it's weight in gold. Hope this helps in some way and things get better for you soon.

Quote from my therapist: "Don't believe the lies of depression."

Yes this did help a lot. There is certain things where i am just straight with them, for instance when i'm flustered and cant think straight i just say "i need you to tell me what to do, else i'll just stop!" and they do, and they understand i'm ill, i dont think they totally understand the illness.

We all had a really big chat last night, my two BEST friends Kerri and Robert and Roberts boyfriend Adam, and Adam was saying that he loves me and that he tries to include me in things him and robert do, and that he understands it must be hard for me to cope with them getting serious so soon, (i lived and worked with robert for a long time and then suddenly he moved in with Adam) i took what adam was saying as sly digs to unsettle my good mood and make me aware of the situation that robert was now his.
Robert and Kerri have both said they dont find the illness a problem what they find a problem and quite insulting when i think they dont care at all.

My meds arent at a therapeutic level and i am so hoping they're going to help!

I'm feeling safer in myself and more rational now as the day is going on.
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  #11  
Old Aug 14, 2011, 06:11 PM
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Ryask Ryask is offline
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I want to share some of the most important words my husband has ever said to me. I was crying saying there is not one damn good thing about me why do you even care about me, i then said if i was you i would hate me as much as i hate me. He said to me " Your not me and you don't see what i do". I know it seems pretty simple but i want to to think about that...when you think terrible things about yourself know that people who love us don't see us through the same eyes and challenge those thoughts.
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"Love is patient; love is kind; love is not boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things". I Corinthians 13: 4-7
Thanks for this!
SunAngel
  #12  
Old Aug 14, 2011, 11:02 PM
Anonymous100180
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I find that the only way to maintain your relationships with others is through 100% honesty, otherwise you're going to come to assumptions based on your own self-image. Confidantes are important when you're building up your self-image because, when you're too weak to uphold it yourself, you have their support: Whether your delusions want you to think otherwise or not. And in order for them to be able to support you properly, you need to trust them with yourself, even if you think it's a little too crazy for them. You'll be surprised what people are willing to put up with, especially when they can tell you are significantly distressed.
Granted, this advice is coming from someone who still refuses to tell her boyfriend the truth even though he is the most supportive person I've ever met in my life, but please do try to discount that & really read through what I just wrote. I know you'll feel that there's a lot of truth & promise within my words; it's just always easier to understand something than it is to truly implement it. I know I'm still trying.
  #13  
Old Aug 15, 2011, 06:08 AM
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sugahorse1 sugahorse1 is offline
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Hello there.
I totally hear you. I've been in that place before. It's called depression. Your meds are still getting the a therapeutic level and you need to cut yourself some slack.

I feel exactly the same way with my relationships. I lean on people because I really do need them, and looking back, I feel embarrassed that I needed them so much. Some friends I've pushed away through this. But in hindsight, they probably didn't care. The real friends, are still there for me.
And when I feel stable, I give it 110% to be the best possible friend in return.

Hugs my friend-your friends care for you, and know that you only ask for what you need. That's what friendships are about
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