[despicable_me]

I think I went through my first full-blown manic episode last month. I was incredibly sexual and hand nonstop energy one day and decided on a whim to visit a prostitute for the first time in my life - cheating on my wife of 7 years in the process. I know what I have done is despicable and I have been sobbing over it since it happen. So, I guess I'm not really looking for more judgment, just a place to vent and talk about it.

What makes it worse is that I now am convinced that I've contracted HIV from the prostitute. I haven't been all that functional at work or home since it happened. (The wife knows and I have had no sexual contact with her since. I would not be able to live with myself if I passed anythign on to her. After the first few days, she has been remarkably supportive and mentioned that she thought I should look into bipolar as a trigger for my hypersexuality.) I have always in the past satisfied my high sex drive with porn at least once a day in addition to a healthy sex life with my wife. But I felt urgently compelled to visit a prostitute that day. Looking back, it was a very goal-driven behavior. The type that in hypomania has helped me accomplish lots of work in a short time. But this time it went in a dark and dangerous direction. I heard whispers telling me it wasn't a good idea, etc. But they were drowned out by this overwhelming compulsion to complete this "task," which now might leave me in an early grave.

I realize I'm not very sympathetic here. I mean, I brought all this on myself. But I'm just looking for some insight on how other bipolar people control their sexual drives. Does this sound like a bipolar thing to you? Looking back, I think I've had some other manic episodes like buying penny stocks and antique cars without thinking through the resale value and potential. But it never got to the level of threatening our relationship and my life - until now.

I'm just scared to death.

[ohlala]

Have you been diagnosed? Do you have a P-doc? Are you taking medication?

[FeelingHopeful]

Despicable Me, I dont think your terrible , I can see how this has hurt you and i thin your wife may be right about maybe being bipolar, it does sound like a sympton, ytou have a very understanding wife who loves you and i think thats awesome. Im so sorry your going through all this, getting to a doctor for a diagnosis is a good idea , to help you, I really hope you will be ok! Please let us now how you are doing, hugs to you and your wife through this difficult time...

[despicable_me]

Thanks. I am going to a therapist today who is going to give us a referral to a psychiatrist and couples counselor.

[heyitsryan]

Despicable Me,

I am new here, and far from an expert on matters relating to bipolar disorder, but I wanted to weigh in on your post specifically because you sound very distraught about the possibility of having contracted HIV and passing it on to your wife.

Though it might not change how you feel about your current set of circumstances, the statistical odds of acquiring HIV from one "typical" sexual encounter (barring extremely risky behaviors I will leave to one's imagination) with a prostitute are actually quite low, esp. since the hypothetical transmission would be female to male (generally overall much lower than male to female).

One widely quoted statistic on medical websites about HIV is the infection rate of medical employee needle sticks, which is a surprising mere 0.3% (variable based on amount of blood in the dirty needle and the viral load of the patient but still so much lower than the average Joe on the street would probably ever guess).

Furthermore, the odds of passing it on to your wife are also low, albeit higher because of physiology alluded to above, but this obviously goes with the assumption you have actually been infected first, which again, is quite low.

This doesn't condone the behavior or lessen its impact on your marriage or completely erase the risk of HIV (or other sexually transmitted infections including hepatitis... a full screening for all STIs is advised), but I thought it would not hurt to point this out.

But probably more importantly, that your wife has been so incredibly supportive and is willing to work with you and sees that this may have been brought on by a manic episode is really a testament to her faith in you and your marriage and is cause for you to take heart. She sounds like a wonderful ally to have on your side, and with the help of some competent professionals and time, there is no reason why you can't get your marriage back on track with proper treatment. My heart goes out to you and your wife, and I really wish you all the best.

[heyitsryan]

Despicable Me,

In re-reading my response to your post, I should have been a little bit more clear explaining myself and I could not find the edit button, so I decided to write a follow-up post. The needle sticks stat I referred to was in regard to accidental dirty needle sticks by hospital employees after using a needle on HIV positive patients, and the stat I cited was based on data collected over time from incident reports and follow up.

The reason I brought the stat up at all was to demonstrate that HIV is not as easily transmittable as some people might assume, and I wanted a statistic to quantify this point instead of just simply stating it. Of course, this doesn't and shouldn't lessen the vigilance people must take in avoiding HIV infection, and transmission is clearly a major problem as HIV rates around the world indicate, but again, the probability of female to male transmission, esp. in a one-time sexual encounter, is generally considered to be very low. As I stated above, I hope this helps put your mind at ease a little, and again, wishing the best to you.

[despicable_me]

Thanks, Hey. I know I have a wonderfully supportive wife and that I am very lucky. I can tell that it is still very hard on her what happened, but I am trying to lessen the load.

What's worse, though, is that I have had HIV symptoms and will have to wait 3 months for a conclusive test. So, of course I have been a wreck and not able to focus on much but that.

I am trying really hard to stay focused though. And I'm grateful there is a board out here for help with that.

Originally Posted by heyitsryan

Despicable Me,

In re-reading my response to your post, I should have been a little bit more clear explaining myself and I could not find the edit button, so I decided to write a follow-up post. The needle sticks stat I referred to was in regard to accidental dirty needle sticks by hospital employees after using a needle on HIV positive patients, and the stat I cited was based on data collected over time from incident reports and follow up.

The reason I brought the stat up at all was to demonstrate that HIV is not as easily transmittable as some people might assume, and I wanted a statistic to quantify this point instead of just simply stating it. Of course, this doesn't and shouldn't lessen the vigilance people must take in avoiding HIV infection, and transmission is clearly a major problem as HIV rates around the world indicate, but again, the probability of female to male transmission, esp. in a one-time sexual encounter, is generally considered to be very low. As I stated above, I hope this helps put your mind at ease a little, and again, wishing the best to you.

[Sheba976]

HIV symptoms can take years to come on. If you were exposed to the virus last month, it would not be able to take over your system that quickly. Visit your family doc and get the correct information you need. You should get tested now and then again in 3-6 months. I'm not a 100% sure what the protocol is but you need to visit a doc asap.

[dragonfly2]

Originally Posted by Sheba976

HIV symptoms can take years to come on. If you were exposed to the virus last month, it would not be able to take over your system that quickly.

Actually, there are some cases where symptoms may appear within weeks of exposure, but they are very general flu-like symptoms. Either way, prompt and accurate testing is very important right now.

Despicable_me, you never did indicate what sort of symptoms you were having, and while we cannot, of course, diagnose you, it may be reassuring to know that if they are flu-like symptoms (aches, fever, etc) it could be anything. Try not to worry, but certainly be cautiously responsible if you do have sex with your wife in the meantime.

And I agree with the others - it sounds like you have a very devoted wife and a special relationship. With time and professional help, I think you can pull through this.

[despicable_me]

Yeah. I've had a number of symptoms. Flu-like, rashes, tingling in hands and feet, changes in digestion. A LOT of symptoms. And everytime I search a new one, I find I have it. But I'm trying to put that out of my mind before I can test. I feel like my whole body has changed.

I'm starting therapy soon.

[dragonfly2]

I'm not sure where you're located, or what testing is available to you, but I would ask your doctor for a PCR test for the HIV virus itself. If you have been infected, the virus should be detectable in your blood. You will still want the antibody testing done at the usual intervals, but this initial test could give you some early answers.

[despicable_me]

Getting suicidal over this. I don't want to be a burden on the people that love me if I do have this disease. I don't want to hurt them by leaving the earth either.

[dragonfly2]

Somewhere in your heart you know suicide is not the answer. When do you start seeing your new therapist? Have you gotten your referral to a psychiatrist yet? If you're feeling this low, it may be time to get yourself to a hospital. I know it can sound like a scary thing at times, but it really is the safest place to be when you're in danger of hurting yourself.

Oh, and to answer your original post question - yes, I think many of us have had issues with hypersexuality during mania. I know I certainly have, leading me to do things I normally would not have done. You are most definitely not alone here.

Hang in there. You will get through this.

[AniManiac]

Although it must be agonizing, this sounds like a situation where a little time is needed to work things out. It's hard not to get fixated on something like this, but keep holding on - the people who love you will love you regardless of your health.

And yes, me too on the hypersexuality count - I've definitely done things I wouldn't otherwise do. Boy, were they fun. If I weren't happily married, I know I'd do those things again (and probably a lot more) the next time I got hypomanic. I fantasize about it fairly frequently, but I'm so besotted with my hubby that there seems to be little risk of acting on those impulses.

[despicable_me]

Originally Posted by AniManiac

Although it must be agonizing, this sounds like a situation where a little time is needed to work things out. It's hard not to get fixated on something like this, but keep holding on - the people who love you will love you regardless of your health.

And yes, me too on the hypersexuality count - I've definitely done things I wouldn't otherwise do. Boy, were they fun. If I weren't happily married, I know I'd do those things again (and probably a lot more) the next time I got hypomanic. I fantasize about it fairly frequently, but I'm so besotted with my hubby that there seems to be little risk of acting on those impulses.

Thing is, I didn't really have fun. I regretted almost immediately afterward. And I wasn't really in the moment when it happened. It was like I was watching myself do these ridiculous, disgusting things and I had no power to stop.

[AniManiac]

Originally Posted by despicable_me

Thing is, I didn't really have fun. I regretted almost immediately afterward. And I wasn't really in the moment when it happened. It was like I was watching myself do these ridiculous, disgusting things and I had no power to stop.

Ugh, sounds awful. But perhaps better than enjoying it - less temptation to do it again.

I know what you mean about not being in the moment at the time. At least a couple of incidents I've had were pretty dissociative in terms of the experience. Definitely something to talk over with a therapist when you get a chance!

[heyitsryan]

Despicable me,

I still feel like you deserve and need a break from the anguish all of this is causing you until you can catch your breath. You need to allow yourself not to panic about this... just take one step at a time and proceed from there. I know, this is easier said than done, but don't you think it would be better for you and your spouse to wait and see what the results of the HIV test are instead of planning for and even expecting the worst case scenario right out of the gate?

Short of starting a round of AZT as a preventative measure -- I am not sure if you have discussed this option w/ your doctor or if it's too late -- there is not much you can do right now but wait it out and try to stay as positive and hopeful as possible..

The symptoms of initial (primary) HIV infection you believe you are experiencing might be due to the flu (as other posters have pointed out), another STI, or are even psychosomatic in nature. You are clearly very stressed out about this entire situation, as you have a right to be. Stress alone can cause a variety of symptoms and mimic many things.

And let's allow for a moment that you did contract HIV (again, I believe this is very unlikely but let's indulge that thought for a moment)....medical advances are being made w/ regard to this virus all of the time. I just read of a breakthrough a couple of weeks ago involving an HIV virus protein mystery unlocked by gamers that had stumped researchers for years. Furthermore, anti-retroviral therapy has resulted in undetectable viral loads in people with HIV, and researchers have recently found a novel way to administer newer and even more advanced treatment options, thus far only available to a small subset of infected people, to a larger population of infected individuals, offering still more hope. Certainly, one can make a strong case that learning to live with what is becoming more and more of a manageable disease all the time is a better option than taking your own life.

Also, plz keep in mind that if you are dx'ed with bipolar disorder, you will have an understanding as to why you did what you did. This doesn't excuse your behavior going forward, because the burden is now on you to get your bipolar symptoms in check once you are diagnosed, but if you did not know you had bipolar disorder at the time the incident occurred, and since the disorder is largely genetic and not something you asked for or brought on willingly, and the very act of hiring the prostitute is one of the more well-known symptoms of the disorder (hypersexuality and risk-taking), all of these taken together would appear to exonerate you from having to shoulder the guilt of this. The goal now is to take the proper steps to get it under control and treated moving forward.

I realize talk is cheap and again, you do have every right to feel totally miserable about this... it is to be expected. But you also now have an obligation to begin the process of healing, and that involves hanging in there as best as you can and focusing on one thing at a time while trying to minimize the guilt and anguish you are feeling. I hope this helps...and definitely share all of your thoughts and concerns about this with your doctors so they can offer you the best treatment possible. They definitely need to know how distressed you are. And again, I'm not sure about the treatment window, esp. since you believe you are already experiencing symptoms, but if your primary care doctor or an infectious disease specialist believes it might still help, you should ask about preventative anti-retroviral treatment.

Ryan

[cat]

A lot of what you are experiencing could be stress-related rather than HIV. You're suffering tremendous guilt and worry, possibly internalizing it to the point of physical illness. I know that my chronic arthritic condition is a symptom of my depression. Please consult your medical professional to get a definitive answer. Once you can come to terms with whatever the diagnosis is, then you can better focus on what clearly is a special relationship with your wife. All the best.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by despicable_me

Thing is, I didn't really have fun. I regretted almost immediately afterward. And I wasn't really in the moment when it happened. It was like I was watching myself do these ridiculous, disgusting things and I had no power to stop.

That sounds like dissociation to me as well, and I also recommend bringing it up with your therapist from the start.