Trying to clear my mind sorry

Some nights being all alone locked in a building gets to me. I can't quiet my mind. Around and around it goes. So I'm just thinking maybe if I get it out my mind will quiet. I'm actually hoping no one reads this because this is stupid and I have nothing to impart of value. But anyway here goes.

First thought: I'm bipolar, suffer from PTSD and NOS personality disorder(they know I'm crazy they just don't know where I fit). My brother has a plethora of personality disorders. I just now got him into therapy. He won't see a shrink because meds are government mind control and it's how they do experiments on people. He doesn't see that believing that is a big part of why he probably needs meds. My sister was bipolar. She committed suicide when she was 23. 11 days after my 21st b-day and the day before our mother's 43rd. And the thought I can't get past is why? I got angry and sad and she just gave up and quit trying. We were raised in the same household and went through the same things. So why did she choose that and I didn't? Why doesn't my brother? What makes us different? How could we have picked such different ways to deal with our traumas? My brother lives in his head. He withdraws and goes "blank" at the first hint of a disagreement. When he does hold a conversation it is usually about how people treat him. He knows people don't like him and are plotting against him. He also has trouble showing emotion. He's barely connected to anyone in the family except me. He has conversations with others that only he remembers. His personality switches from moment to moment. He'll have a conversation with you then 5 minutes later have no memory of the conversation and accuse you of making him crazy. How did we all turn out so different? We're all screwed up but in different ways. Why? How?

Second thought: I'm guarded and emotionally detached. If it's not seething anger or complete utter hopless sadness I have no emotions. Why do I do that? How do I get past it? It's like I'm trapped in my mind like a rat in a maze. I know I put these walls up. I know I built every inch of my private hell. If I created it why can't I find a way out? How did I get stuck in this endless loop? My lack of emotion has lost me more friends and relationships than I can count. Soon it may cost me my marriage. It's like watching a slow motion train wreck and not being able to move to stop it. I lost a good friend when my sister died. Because I was so detached she concluded I didn't care about anyone. When my mom told me that I didn't love or care about my sister I didn't flinch. When she said that I talked to her the day before she killed herself and couldn't tell anything was wrong it was my fault I didn't care. My friend cried for me then said she couldn't watch this anymore and left. She hasn't spoken to me since. I did try to explain to her that my mom didn't get to me because she was a wounded animal lashing out at whatever was close to her. She didn't understand. So why don't I open up more and let people in? How do I stop being like this? How do I find my way out of my mind and express myself?

Third thought: Why did I take a job by myself that gives me time to think when thinking is so bad for me? When I'm alone my mind goes to many dark places. Places I don't want to go but can't stop. So why do I stay here? Why do I do this to myself?

Fourth thought: Why am I such a B? Just three weeks ago I ruined my brothers happy memories of our uncle. He got upset with me because I wouldn't go put flowers on his grave and I haven't been there since the day of the funeral. I told him I didn't want to talk about it. So he told me he hated me and I was just a hate filled B. So I exploded and told him if he wanted to know hate then he should crawl into my head whenever someone mentions our uncle. That the disgust and loathing I feel for that man would crush him. I told him that our uncle molested me from the age of 4 until I was about 13. Finally I was old enough that I could put my foot down that I wasn't going to be around him. That because of him most of my earliest memories torment me and cause me pain. My brother than said it couldn't be true and I was lying because he wasn't molested by him. I told him think back think hard. You were NEVER left alone with him. I made sure of it. Then he started crying and told me he was sorry. So I ruined his happy fond memories of our uncle. For what? Why did I blow up? Why couldn't I just let it go? Why do I have to always be so mean and go for the throat? Why can't I stop being that way?

These are the thoughts that are just going round and round in my head. They don't stop they are in a continuous loop tonight. Why can't I escape from my own mind?

I do think I'll print this out and give it to my shrink. I have trouble opening up with her and she tries to provoke me into showing any emotion. Maybe this will help her understand. Usually she just asks how I am and then ups my meds if I don't say fine. but sometimes in rare moments we talk.

I apologize to anyone who actually read this. Ignore this I'm just stupid and crazy. Not a good combination. I know nothing I have to say is really worthwhile but I had to get it out. Sorry.

I read it front to back and no needs for apologies. Venting like this is a very healthy thing to do and I highly encourage you print it out and show it to your shrink, fantastic idea. That way, even though you would struggle to say it, he/she can at least read it and go from there.

Sorry to hear about your sister. I read on a page related to this site, actually a suicide talk-down page, that the only reason people think of or chose to committ suicide is because the physical and emotional pain they are feeling becomes more than they are able to cope with. All the person is looking for is final relief from the pain. The page then raises a very good point: you can't feel the relief from all the pain if you're dead. For some though, the pain is far more than they can bear and they feel that ending it all is their only option. It is a personal decision, no one else can chose for them.

I had a similar outburst with my brother related to my mother. I told him some very disturbing things my mother has told me, and only me in the past. This scared him greatly. He also went to a psychiatrist visit with me and the things I was saying must have stressed him to the max because just as I got into the thick of things he left out a terrible wail and went into an epileptic seizure, his first in over 1.5 years.

Your brother that you say lives in his head. This is his coping mechanism. Reverting to his own mind is how he shelters himself from the world and all the pain the real world brings to him. You can't blame him. If you had a secret hiding spot you could go where no-one could hurt you and you had no worries, you'd like going to that spot too.

With the job. Time alone to think is also bad for me. i dwell on things I shouldnt. I also get bored and start thinking of unhealthy or stupid things to do. Stuff that could get me fired or hurt. I work the night shift in a warehouse at a coal mine. I'm the only one in here for most of the night. The only thing that keeps me sane is my music and this site.

If I missed anything let me know. I'm open to discuss anything.

I hope this helps. Good luck and best wishes

Please don't you feel you have to apologize here.

I clear my head here often too, It's a great place to do it. I'm sorry you're going through so much ( I remember one of your older posts ) It's a lot, don't under estimate he strength and courage that has got you this far.

Maybe it's time to take down some of those walls, but only you will know for sure when you are ready. You can't really compare yourself to others emotionally because we are all such different unique people, our perceptions of events are all different.

To me it sounds like you are truely not a B, but someone that is kind and caring, putting others needs above your own, and feeling guilty when you might put your needs first.

I went to an eating disorder clinic today, for my first session. By the time I had left they had me signed up for the sexual abuse clinic. This was the farthest thing from my mind. I like to go through life pretending it didn't happen. But it always has a way o catching up with me, no matter how hard I try to sweep it under the carpet. I am totally scared to deal with this. I know you had lost your T? Have you gotten a new one yet. My point with that anyways, is that I understand and I am here anytime you want to talk.

Bipolar is enough alone to handle never mind the rest of life that keeps on moving. I think it's a great idea to print that out for your pdoc. Mine does only do meds too, you're in you're out

Thank you. I know what you mean about bad thoughts. I am surrounded by things to hurt myself with all night. Usually I have a ton of paperwork. So I come here while I'm doing paperwork and the dual activity helps keep my mind busy. I am ever so glad I found this site it does greatly help.

I know his head is his safe place but I worry one day he'll get lost there and not come back. I know it sounds stupid but there it is that is my fear for him. He's 25 and everyday he gets a little more paranoid and withdraws a little more. The only way I got him to go to therapy was by cutting him off. It hurt me to my soul to do that to my baby brother but I didn't speak to him for 6 days. Didn't acknowledge anything he did. After six days he came to me and just sat on my lap, buried his face in my shoulder and sobbed. So I tried to soothe him and I told him this is what you do to me. You shut me out. You won't talk you ignore everything. You just shut down. I had to make you know how that feels. I did it because I love you and I wanted you to know how scared I am for you. So he's going to therapy now.

I am sorry you know the pain of being isolated at night. I don't know if it's the bipolar or the trauma from my life but my mind turns on itself like a rabid poisonous snake. It sounds like you know that feeling too.

Right now I have to go. I know it's stupid but putting all that out there makes me feel rather vulnerable and exposed. It's dumb I know but it's how I feel. Hope I get to talk to you later though.

Anika we posted at the same time so I just saw you. I have not found a new T yet still having trouble with that but need to get off my butt. Maybe Friday? I guess when I get a new T I should print this out for them too but not until I get to know them and know they are sticking with me. I do have to go. I just didn't want you to think I had ignored you.

None of its dumb or stupid. Its just how you felt like coping this morning. A very healthy way, that's for sure. Vent on, that's what this is for.

Raindrop, no need to apologise. Actually, I found your thoughts well written and easy to follow. I'm really sorry to hear of your sister's suicide. My own brother took that way out when he was 24 and we were very close up until then.

To me, your thoughts sound very rational. We don't suddenly find the key and have everything make sense. That old cliche about working through things really is true, and it sounds to me for the most part that you're trying to do that.

My best advice I can give to you is this: Be kind to yourself. Don't blame, cajole, criticise or bully yourself in any way whatsoever. You're going to be all right, and you should always post here whenever you think it will help. Those isolated shifts can be very lonely at times, I know.

Thank you for the response Charlie J. I would have thanked you earlier but I went AWOL for the last few days. Spent time licking some wounds plus just kinda embarrassed after what I wrote. Can't help but feel like I was whining but then I'm also not really used to sharing stuff like this with ANYONE. So posting it here for anyone to see is freaking me out some but I also know it will help me to work through it if I can get it out.

I am so sorry you know the pain of losing a sibling that way. It hurts in it's own special way doesn't it?