[Beebizzy]

Hello Everyone,

I’m new here and have been reading through the posts and finding them very helpful.

I’m 38 and was diagnosed with bipolar about 18 years ago and put on lithium (amongst many other drugs). I never really believed the diagnosis. I thought I was ‘faking’ my behaviour and couldn’t understand why the doctors didn’t see through me. I still think that.

I was taken off lithium and everything else about 12 years ago and since then have been on no medication apart from a 3-month period on an anti-depressant 6 years ago.

At the end of August I had a bad depression and saw a new pdoc. He put me on an anti-depressant and an anti-psychotic. Then I had an episode of hypomania (so everyone says). I’m now on a mood-stabiliser (Lamictal) and still the AD. More stable now but still need more time. This pdoc also says I have bipolar (II).

Here’s the thing: I’ve never accepted this diagnosis and I’m still struggling with it. I still feel like I was faking, or it was my fault and I should have just put more effort into things. It seems so unlikely that I would be bipolar.

At the same time, I am thinking I need to accept it. I am scared. I keep thinking of things that have happened in the past and realising they were probably part of all this. I’m not sure I can deny it any longer. Also I felt great during my ‘high’ – I was super-productive, loads of energy and loads of plans. Now I am very disappointed to realise that this was ‘illness’ and not me getting better, as I thought at the time. I’m disappointed that I have abandoned all these plans and I feel like I can’t trust what I think or feel any more.

Can anyone relate? Has anyone else struggled to accept the diagnosis?

Thanks a lot,
Beebizzy.

[onlymedid]

I can totally relate to not wanting to accept the diag. I tried to self medicate for years and it just made my life worse. It wasn't until my 3 time being diagnosed with Bipolar did I actually accept it.
Just because you accept it, doesn't mean it's a bad thing. You can accept it, read up on it and still live a great life.
I know about being manic because I was just manic a few weeks ago. I felt like I could do anything, I had a ton of WONDERFUL ideas and didn't require as much sleep. It was only because I have educated myself on Bipolar, did I recognize I was manic. For the first time ever, I was able to recognize it.
I hope you can trust your Pdoc and let the meds do their jobs. You will feel much better once you are stable.
Good luck to you!

[Charlie_J]

Originally Posted by Beebizzy

I keep thinking of things that have happened in the past and realising they were probably part of all this. I’m not sure I can deny it any longer. Also I felt great during my ‘high’ – I was super-productive, loads of energy and loads of plans. Now I am very disappointed to realise that this was ‘illness’ and not me getting better, as I thought at the time. I’m disappointed that I have abandoned all these plans and I feel like I can’t trust what I think or feel any more.

This. Completely. Being convinced at the beginning of each manic episode that I was getting better stopped me from being diagnosed many years ago. I was recently diagnosed at age thirty-five. In addition, previous experiences with GP's had me utterly convinced that I had to be beyond miserable to get any help whatsover, which stopped my current excellent GP from noticing, because I hid it. That's something I still fear, despite my PDoc and CPN assuring me that if I seem to be doing well and am stable, they won't just suddenly drop me from their caseload. Similarly, they've had to reassure me that if I appear and tell them I'm absolutely fantastic, they're not just going to take my word for it, no matter how convincing I am, and I can be very convincing.

The diagnosis did come as a bit of a relief to me to be fair, and it explains a lot of things. But I did say in another post somewhere that it's left me with a lot of quesions about myself. How much of my identity is me, and how much is bipolar? Does it make a difference? How do I gather together all those previous reincarnations of self and make them into a coherent whole? Another reinvention is probably not the answer at this point.

I know some things for definite. I'm not anywhere near as sociable, outgoing, optimistic, or promiscuous as I thought I was. I've also suspected for many, many years that I'm not religious. Seems like I might be right about that one, thank God... Or, not

Having created some quite detailed charts of my mood over the years, I can't help realising that even the parts I thought were "normal" were just smaller cycles, and that period of stability I recalled was really a long-lasting mild depression. I might have known balanced when I was younger, but I have seen it less and less over the years. I might not even recognise it now, but then I think that's what the doctors are for - to help me find it.

Here's hoping you can level out and get to know yourself properly.

[Secretum]

Welcome, Beebizzy. I like your name.

It can be hard to accept a bipolar diagnosis. But really, the label does not change anything. Diagnosis or no diagnosis, you are still a person who has gone through episodes of depression, and (according to your loved ones, at least) episodes of hypomania. The label simply helps your pdoc know how to treat you, and allows you to join an excellent community like the bipolar forum of pc! Honestly, this is a great place. We'll be here for you through the highest high and lowest low.

One thing I'd like to ask you: why do you think you would "fake your behavior"? What could you have stood to gain by faking?

Welcome again.

[Elyria]

Oh my goodness, Charlie. Yes, yes, and yes... ditto to what you just said.

I am 32 and was just *finally* diagnosed in September after being misdx'd for years as depressive and ADD. My new Tdoc (who I started with today, and is such a better fit than the last one) just smiled and said "The incidence of Adult ADD being misapplied to people who are actually BP is ridiculously high."

It's true that it definitely makes you go back and reevaluate YEARS of your life. And the further I get from the manic episode and hypomania of this past summer (possibly actually a mixed episode thrown in there for fun) the more I am able to examine my current moods and figure out where on the spectrum I am falling from day to day.

Hang in there. I spent a lot of my depressive episodes thinking I was just lazy and thoughtless... which I am decidedly not! But part of the depression is that kind of thinking -- thinking you are "faking" because if you WANTED to you could snap out of it. In my case, at least, that was a false construct and part of the black and white thinking this illness is known for!

[~Christina]

I also Love you name Beeebizzy!!!

Im so glad you found this site you will be supported and loved no matter what and thats a HUGE important thing to know you can come on here and know others have been or are in your shoes right now !

Im 44 and just diagnosed this year !!!! looking back of course i can see the bipolar patterns but no doctor picked it up until now.. I have had to deal with the " am i jus lazy ?" am i just snappy at things that noone else would be upset over ..etc ..

My daughter is 20 and unfortunatly she is dealing with bipolar also just diagnosed a few months ago ,,I am so happy she is being treated now and not going thru her life like i have always wondering why i do somethings, or been so depressed I cant even leave my home and i would have no desire to talk to anyone ..

Post here with any questions you have .. this site is fabulous and i have learned so much from reading the posts ... Just knowing your not alone is worth so much !

[~Christina]

Whoops didnt mean to sent that without saying..... Yes i often dont want to accept my diagnosis but im learning that bipolar is just a name ,,its not who i am really deep down .. right now im just trying to get to the point where i am stable for once in my life and see how that feels ...

Wishing you Love Peace and Hugs !!!

[Detach]

Holy "small" print...

I can't read your post. Guess I'm getting old or my eyes are tired.
Sorry

[lad007]

Your quote: I am scared. "I keep thinking of things that have happened in the past and realising they were probably part of all this. I’m not sure I can deny it any longer. Also I felt great during my ‘high’ – I was super-productive, loads of energy and loads of plans. Now I am very disappointed to realise that this was ‘illness’ and not me getting better, as I thought at the time. I’m disappointed that I have abandoned all these plans and I feel like I can’t trust what I think or feel any more."

I think it is all in the way you perceive it. You mention above having a lot of energy and being disappointed it was your illness. It was still you! It is still you. As bipolars we have the unique gift to experience such highs and lows many others may never experience. I see the sun go down and remember how it reminds me of a death of a cherished loved one. I see my grandson and teach him philosophy because he holds the future in his hands.
I think if you embrace it, and realize it is a part of how wonderful you are as a human being, you may come to not only accept it, but embrace it. It's not scary, I view it as a gift.

[Travelinglady]

I can definitely relate. I was diagnosed with Bipolar II eleven years ago, when I was 45, and I'm still not convinced it wasn't triggered by being put on and yanked off a couple of antidepressants. I'd never had any mania before then.

But I've been on this ride now for over a decade--and I take it one day at a time. As someone said, at least I get to be legitimately on a nice site like this. And I have had some WILD experiences. In fact, I'm writing a book about it all. It's particularly "interesting" to me, given that I'm a psychologist and used to teach this stuff!

Yes, I do have fears, and I know what you mean about wondering about the "real me." You are definitely not alone.

Remember, too, though, that we are not our diagnoses. We are people who happen to have been diagnosed as bipolar, just like people who have diabetes, etc. Okay?

Feel free to jump right in. We have lots of great people and fun stuff here.

[BlackPup]

Originally Posted by Beebizzy

I’m 38 and was diagnosed with bipolar about 18 years ago and put on lithium (amongst many other drugs). I never really believed the diagnosis. I thought I was ‘faking’ my behaviour and couldn’t understand why the doctors didn’t see through me. I still think that.

I was taken off lithium and everything else about 12 years ago and since then have been on no medication apart from a 3-month period on an anti-depressant 6 years ago.

At the end of August I had a bad depression and saw a new pdoc. He put me on an anti-depressant and an anti-psychotic. Then I had an episode of hypomania (so everyone says). I’m now on a mood-stabiliser (Lamictal) and still the AD. More stable now but still need more time. This pdoc also says I have bipolar (II).

Here’s the thing: I’ve never accepted this diagnosis and I’m still struggling with it. I still feel like I was faking, or it was my fault and I should have just put more effort into things. It seems so unlikely that I would be bipolar.

At the same time, I am thinking I need to accept it. I am scared. I keep thinking of things that have happened in the past and realising they were probably part of all this. I’m not sure I can deny it any longer. Also I felt great during my ‘high’ – I was super-productive, loads of energy and loads of plans. Now I am very disappointed to realise that this was ‘illness’ and not me getting better, as I thought at the time. I’m disappointed that I have abandoned all these plans and I feel like I can’t trust what I think or feel any more.

Can anyone relate? Has anyone else struggled to accept the diagnosis?

Here's the original post in big letters for those who need it

I can so relate to so many of your points. It took me so long to believe that my diagnosis was real, even now I still sometimes doubt because my hypos are very subtle cos of meds: they feel so much like what normal should feel like... good for a change. I have to think back to my most (hypo)manic time when I climbed around the top of a 9 story building - just for fun!!!!

I totally get the upset at finding out that what you thought was normal was actually hypomania.... things are finally feeling good and someone comes along and tells you that you can't feel like that anymore and have to take drugs to stop it from happening again...

When I was first diagnosed I felt like my mind, which had always been my strength, was now against me, I could not rely on it and could not trust it to work any more.

There is hope, however, now I am on meds that (*mostly*) work and I'm (*mostly*) stable (except the dip that I'm going through at the moment - but hopefully that won't last) I can work and play and have a relatively normal life.

Hope this helps

[Beebizzy]

Hi All,

Many thanks for all the thoughtful replies and welcomes - I really appreciate it and am so glad I found this site.

I'm so sorry if the font was tiny - on my screen it looked huge. Not sure what's up with that.

@ Secretum: hmmm I don't think I considered 'faking' for any kind of gain. It's more that I feel compelled to rule it out, in order to fully believe this diagnosis, you know? I never believed it fully years ago and I still have trouble. I don't know why. I don't resist it because I associate any kind of shame with it, not at all, I think it's more that I feel like I'm 'making a fuss' or being 'over-dramatic' about nothing (even though I am the least dramatic person imaginable and never put any of this on anyone else) or wasting people's time. Hope that makes some kind of sense.

And yet when I look back at this (alleged ;-)) hypomania, I cannot really argue (now) that it was anything else. I didn't do anything wild, and I didn't talk fast. But I didn't sleep, spent all night writing things, made lists, had loads of energy, was very productive, had loads of plans, cleaned in depth, could not stop moving & has constant agitation (which I thought was from Abilify), was totally distracted (couldn't read or watch anything on TV), felt GREAT and told this to everyone etc. Unfortunately the people I know (very few), although they all commented on my energy and positivity, didn't know that it wasn't just the 'normal me' because of how long I'd been low. The above is too much, right?

My T and pdoc told me I was high recently - and my bf said it was annoying and not like me.

Anyhow, yeah, it's all going round in my head, I don't know if I can trust my thoughts any more, I genuinely thought I was doing great and thanked my pdoc a million times for making me better. I don't want to check how I feel all the time - but now I am thinking that I should pay more attention to it. Actually reading here is making me realise that there have been a lot more signs than I ever realised. I never bring them up because, yeah, I feel like I make a fuss about nothing. Now I'm starting to realise it's not 'nothing'.

Anyway - sorry for the long post :-) It helps me a lot to air things and I'm so glad to be here and so greatful for all the replies.

Beebizzy

[Beebizzy]

Hmmm I was hoping this would appear as a new post, but I don't think it has so I'm bumping it again :-)

BB

BeeBizzy, welcome to psych central. I must tell you when I got my diagnoses I was relieved because it really explained a lot. The first book I reached for to educate myself as to my condition was "Bipolar for Dummies". That book really helped me understand the illness. Also I went to group therapy which really helped so much because for one you are around people who understand and by them sharing their experiences you will identify with them and for two the group is lead by a therapist that teaches you things about bipolar and how to better cope. I think in time you will realize that you are still you and that you're still a competent individual. You're not broken you just suffer an illness just as a person with diabetes does. And like a diabetic you also need medication to stay well.

Best of luck in your journey of learning, healing and accepting. Be well and be happy