Should Be Used To It...(rant-ish, long)

You'd figure after going through depressive episodes basically 3 years straight, I would have gotten used to it by now.

Honestly. From 16 to 19 years old, which I still am, 9 hospitalizations! Plenty of medication combo tries, therapies, even about 10 rounds of ECT treatments. I have improved since I began this "journey"...I no longer resort to SI or suicide soon after the depression starts.

But...the mood swings are still there. For me, my Bipolar is about 90% depression and 10% mania. So I don't usually swing from mania to depression. Rather, I swing from basically feeling "balanced" to really depressed. It's very discouraging, to feel almost "normal" and then to have it come crashing down.

I used to be considered highly intelligent, full of promise, that kind of kid that could do whatever she set her mind to. This began to change in the 11th grade, due to several hospitalizations and time spent trying to recover. The 10 rounds of ECT really messed with my brain (although they were helpful at the time), so my ability did decrease. I am still intelligent, but not as much as I used to be. Being a kid who put a ton of importance on grades, it was like being punched in the stomach.

Eventually though, I got used to not being "the smart one" anymore, because I just didn't care. I am currently finishing my last 2 high school courses, but have literally no motivation to do the work. I do want to attend college, but I don't know what to major in and in the back of my mind I think I will fail because I have a history of failure. I mean, 9 hospitalizations? I feel like, there must be something wrong with me if I had to come back so many times.

I haven't been back to the hospital in almost 6 months, which I think is great. But...I just really hate being in these long stretches of depression. Sometimes I can feel pretty good, wonder if maybe I actually have a shot in this thing called life...and then BOOM. Gone.

Why can't balance ever be achieved? It doesn't have to be perfect. It just has to be mania & depression free. I don't mind small mood swings that everyone gets...but the Bipolar mood swings are too much for me to handle.

I am currently working with my psychiatrist to slowly increase the dosage of one medication...so there will hopefully be some progress. I'm also seeing my therapist, which is somewhat helpful.

I can feel the bitterness in me though. What happened to that ambitious, hopeful girl that used to be me? I don't know...and I know I can't change the past. I want to change my future, but sometimes it feels hopeless. I am 19 years old and on disability, which also makes me feel bad about myself.

Wow...I'm sorry for ranting but just needed to get this out somehow.

Dear Melissa,
For what it's worth, re: those nine hospitalizations... you weren't in charge of those, so if they failed to "fix" you, the failures weren't yours, they were the docs in charge.

Also, consider your age: 16-19. So much is going on with your body at this age that I doubt the docs had any idea what the drugs they were throwing into the mix were affecting in the overall you. Chances are, with your hormones & body chemistry settling down into The Adult Melissa, psychiatrists are going to have a much easier time finding an effective cocktail for you.

I was one of those wizz kids too. I crashed when I went away to college. I know that feeling of never getting it right again. I wish I'd been dx'd as bipolar then, it would have made a huge difference. I was dx'd as depressed--which I was, but that wasn't the whole story.

If that "ambitious, hopeful girl" that used to be you weren't still there, you would never have written that post. You're still you. I see you, Melissa. You are an adult now, no longer a child, & you will research your disorder, ask questions, demand results. You will not settle for what the medical establishment sees fit to give you. You will learn what you need and discover how to fulfill that need.

Take the hopelessness and bitterness & release them to the heavens. They will only weaken you. You have the right to a full & rich life. Complete your education. Believe me, people who do best in the world weren't class valedictorian! Find good doctors, demand the best treatment, settle for nothing less.

You're 19! You should expect a terrific life, and start right now working toward just that.

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. I had some really hard times during the teen years myself. I am similar to you as that most of my problem is depression. I would say my issues started when I was 12 or 13 and progressively got worse. I took a bottle of acne pills when I was 12. (I had horrible acne!) I threw them up within a few hours and my parents just thought I sick. I tried again when I was 15 and took a bottle of Nyquil capsules. The internet didn't exist then so I didn't know what I was doing, just that I wanted out of life. I was able to hide most of my depressions from those around me so no one really knew how bad I was until college time rolled around. I always had excellent grades, so I could have gotten into any school. I kept changing my mind, enrolled at last minute. Dropped out of Biology, enrolled in Education at a difference school, then dropped out of that. I turned into a complete basket case so my parents made me go to therapy but I convinced them I was fine. I got my own apartment at 19 so it was easy to hide from everyone. I am 32 now and I have gone through so many phases of depression, up and down. I've had 2 children in the meantime. I never had real treatment until this year. I was fortunate enough to go back to school for ultrasound when I was 27 which has turned out to be a successful career.

I suffered all those years, no one recognized I was bipolar until I met my boyfriend. He's a physician assistant and he encouraged me to get proper treatment. My Prime care doc put me on Cymbalta and I went completely manic. All they did was switch me to lexapro. I had a mixed episode after drinking alcohol, I totally lost control and I was ready to jump out of the car, I hit my bf in the face twice and I was punching windows. So all those years finally led me to proper treatment.

So what I am trying to get at... is that you've had treatment and your stable at 19. That is a great thing!!!! You should be looking forward to a grand life! School can be scary. If your not sure what you want to pursue, maybe put school off for awhile and just get a job. Give yourself time to be 19 and enjoy life. With age, you will start to mature and you will get better at managing the challenges and stresses of life. Maybe take some part time gen ed credits that are transferable. Try out a community college first and save money (in case you feel you need to drop the class because you can't keep up) You will make it, you just need to want a better life for yourself. Don't waste time thinking about all the reasons you think you can't do something. Your intelligence is still there. I think that comes along with being bipolar. We have overactive minds. You can do great things, I promise.

Thank you both for your replies, they mean a lot to me.

I know that, at my current age, I have a lot of years ahead of me. Sometimes I feel like I'm much older, simply because these last 3 years have felt so much longer! But, if I look at it from a realistic point of view, I have a lot of life to live. Hopefully most of it will be positive.

After posting this yesterday, I called my sister and talked with her about how I was feeling. Then I called my dad and we had a really good talk. He can relate because he has major depression and is on disability as well. But, like both of you told me, he said that my intelligence is definitely still there. He really believes in me, which means so much.

After talking to my dad and sister, I did a workout DVD and it felt REALLY GOOD to let out some of my frustration physically.

The fact that I coped with my negative feelings by doing positive things...shows how far I've come. In the past, it would have been self-injury and suicidal thinking.

I am still depressed today, but not as hopeless as yesterday. Taking things one day at a time. Thanks again.

Hey,

First off, don't feel bad about yourself for being you. I'm a few years older than you and my battle began at 15. BP wasn't dxed till 18 cause they didn't feel right comfortable dxing that young. It bugs me when people say they know how you feel but I think in this situation, I think I do have some understanding.

I often think what happened to the old me, the one who would just put on a mask and carry on like nothings wrong. With me now, my feelings are on "my sleeve". It doesn't get anywhere in the long wrong.

As for school, maybe college is but isn't an option. I went to a major college and felt more and more discouraged. I switched and went to a vocational school and soared there. Intelligence seems to matter a lot to you as it does to me. School kept my mind busy and making those connections again. You aren't a failure. You make your own future so take hold of the wheel. Sometimes we need to pull over and fix a flat but ultimately we get back on the road.

Balance? Hmm, I still can't stand on one leg. On another note I was manic for a whole two days. Today, boom. I dropped. Medications in turn were raised by the dr. today. The battle is a rough one and it seems like it's trial and error.

If you ever wanna talk just pm me.

I think that people (even those who experience depression) never understand or "get used to" depression. I do think that they can hate it or even miss parts of it at times. I know for me, it has changed me but I am hopeful that the meds and the therapy will stabilize me. It also looks like you are hopeful about this. Keep that hopefulness and know that you can get through this.

I'm glad to hear that you turned around some of your depression. It's great that you have family that you can reach out to. I often try to hide my issues from them but when I do open up, they are so helpful and make me loved regardless. I find that one way to stay out of negative thought patterns is by staying busy and focusing on something else. Just always keep in mind it's easier to stay depressed then to fight it. Keep your head up

Like so many of the other folks commenting on this thread, I did OK at holding up the mask until I went to college (do you see a theme here?) Before then, it was all depression. I made suicide attempts that no one knew about. I did a lot of pretending to keep myself out of the hospital, because I was more terrified of being sent to psych inpatient than pretty much anything else. I was forced into therapy that I faked my way out of, because it wasn't my idea and I resented it and I just wasn't ready for it.

Then I went to college - everything fell apart. As if it hadn't already. I wasn't a big fish in a big pond anymore, I was just one more fish in a small pond. And it turned out, I wasn't a very big fish at all. I was a valedictorian (one of four in a class of 280) in high school, but ended up in the bottom half of my class for undergrad; I never failed a class, but I had never gotten a C before. Or a D, or a DE. (BTW, those grades didn't keep me out of an excellent grad school!) I don't even know if it was one long manic stretch, mixed episodes, or some extreme rapid cycling, but most of college was a haze. Some of it was wonderful, but a lot of it was very, very bad. I feel lucky that I made it out mostly intact.

Considering your age, 3 years seems like forever when you're 19. Just under 1/6 of your life. But as time goes on, you get more patient because the time really does seem to pass by faster. I hate to say it, but just wait until you can say that you've been struggling with these issues for 2/3 of your life, or more! Chances are good you will be doing better then, and feeling better about it as well. If nothing else, you will gain a lot more perspective on things - older and wiser, as they say. But it sounds like you've got your head screwed on straight already. You're clearly still ambitious, or you wouldn't be feeling bitter about it!

You are really fortunate to be in treatment already, and that your family is supportive and understanding. I wish that I hadn't been blown off when I went to the college counseling center at your age and asked if I might be bipolar. I wish I had been more of an advocate for myself, but I was too scared then (hearing voices will do that to you!) So I'm really glad for you that you're taking charge of your treatment and actively working on improving things for yourself. It will pay off, even if it takes awhile.

Take your time and be strategic in your educational choices - a few community college classes while you feel low might be a good way to go. But don't compromise on your long-term goals, just be smart about how you get there. For example, I'm doing a PhD and the expected next job for me is a faculty position (assistant professor.) Those are extremely demanding jobs; 80 hours a week is not atypical, and you work your @$$ off for 6 years before you get any chance at a raise or job security. When I first heard bipolar dx's earlier this year, I started adjusting my plans to give myself time to get things together before taking on a faculty job. So I'll do a 2-year postdoc in between, I won't have to move, and I can get my meds and therapy sorted out before I have to make another major transition. Plus the postdoc looks like it will be pretty awesome! Fortunately, I figured this stuff out in time to prevent taking on too much too quickly, because I think I'd be crushed into smithereens by a faculty job right now.

Anyway, that's a long way of saying, hang in there. A lot of us have been there, and are doing OK on the overall. I'm willing to bet that you will too. We're all here to listen whenever you need it.