[RenjiCat]

In about 20 minutes I will be leaving the house (4th time in 2 weeks) to get my 2 beautiful girls.. and I know this is going to sound horrible, but I don't want to. I get them every two weeks so I don't get to see them a lot. We're going to my parents' house like we always do. One of the neighboring towns (where my little sister lives) is having a neighborhood celebration this weekend.. food, vendors selling stuff, stores having open houses, etc. Sounds like so much fun, right? Only I don't want to go.. I want to stay in my house alone. I don't want to be around "happy" people asking me how I am. I don't want to be around my only nephew (he's 2) because you have to be happy around a baby. I don't want to have Mama hovering over me telling me to get outside and enjoy the weekend. I love my girls so much... I really do! I know how horrible it sounds.. a mother who doesn't want to see her own girls... I'm horrible.. I'm a horrible mother! I'm balling my eyes out right now because I know I don't deserve my girls. I have failed my girls in every way. God knows I try, but I fail... I just fail. They deserve better, and I truly want to be better. But right now, in this very instance, I'm not.. I'm not even close! Their dad is getting remarried next month..maybe then they will get a real mother. I'm so messed up

I'm so sorry, but I had to get that out... I can't tell anyone else.

[HealingTimes]

I am so sorry that you are feeling so bad right now.
You are NOT a bad mother, you are just having a hard time. When you are feeling so low, it takes so much energy to pretend to be fine.
Sending you hugs.

[BlueInanna]

Almost made me cry too. You're having a hard enough time, don't need to beat yourself up worse. No mother is perfect - even the ones who look perfect. I feel like a bad mom too, sometimes I have been. I've been depressed a lot, and isolate a lot. Or then I'm doing the opposite. But we love our kids. It is draining to try to pretend to be happy. Maybe you'll perk up when you see their little smiley faces. My 11 yr old is like that - he can cheer me up in a second. My older 2 are teens and mostly sneer at me or make fun of me or they're nice when they want something. I hope it goes ok this weekend and you are able to do what you feel is best without anyone forcing you to go out & all that. You don't get much time with them, it should be up to you how you choose to spend it. Sometimes chill at home with the kids is nice bonding & filling each other up with love time.

[~Christina]

Your not a bad mom at all .. I hope once you see them some of the bad feelings will lift and you will just be able to relax a bit and soak in some love.

I also hate when I feel have to put my fake happy face on.. But sometimes we all have to / need to. All the things planned sound like it could be a good thing for you.. Just be kind to yourself and remember this cycle/mood/episode will indeed pass.. nothing stays the same with Bipolar.

*hugs*

[Victoria'smom]

You are not a bad mom because you are trying to better yourself. Take them to the celebration either the night of fireworks, after 6 or Sunday morning while most are at church. The night scene usually is more relaxed. Take the girls to the movies, bowling, arcade (aka. chuckie cheese), fast food play area or a park. You could always do a movie marathon if all else fails. The point is to take them somewhere that you do not have to engage with them, or others but they are having so much fun they don't realize. Bring laptop or music so you don't realize your around people.

[RenjiCat]

Thank you everyone. I was 20 minutes late picking them up which is not like me. I'm always early and when I'm on time I feel late. I felt so guilty for not only how I didn't want to be there but also being late! So much so that I surprised the girls by taking them to a local gourmet cupcake bakery. We left with 2 cupcakes, 2 cannoli, 2 candied bacon on a stick, and a container of "crack" which is a candy concoction...sigh. We went straight to the celebration where I bought them even more junk food! Ahhhh I must admit it did feel good when my youngest gave me a hug! I tried to enjoy myself but couldn't. I get another shot at it tomorrow.. I'm judging the dog show in the morning (my sister asked me to judge about a month ago when I was up). I've got to go by the ATM though! Lol

[~Christina]

Candied bacon ???? Hmmmm what is that??? Sounds yummy lol

Im glad you got some feel good going on ! Every little bit helps

[RenjiCat]

It's just as it sounds.. Cooked bacon on a stick that is coated in a sweet glaze. My girls loved it!

[~Christina]

Ooooooooo .. I love bacon but rarely allow myself the pleasure ..If I ran into something like that I would HAVE to buy a few ..LOL

You are not a terrible mother. I can relate to the feelings you described, even though I am not a mother myself. Its the depression talking. Im glad you still went out and did things with them, its hard but if you hadnt would you have sat home beating yourself up over it for the weekend? You chose the difficult option, well done for pushing yourself and being a great mother.

Candy bacon? Hehe sounds like the thing of dreams.

[mzunderstood79]

I feel the same way. I have 2 beautiful and healthy teenaged daughters. Some days(most days) I feel so stressed and anxious when it is time for the school bus in the afternoons. I should be excited to see them and hear about their day but instead I'm panicky, paranoid, and *****y. Same with my husband but only at times with him but almost always with my girls.....so I feel your pain. A friend told me this: God gave me those girls for a reason. I might not understand why but God does.

[Amelie10]

You are the BEST mother to your girls. I'm sure they love you very much and look forward to your visits. Take it one day at a time and try to enjoy one moment at a time. I have two girls and I sometimes apologize to them for having such a bad mother and it really upsets them. I try not to. I know it's the depression talking. Hang in there.

I hope the rest of your weekend is nice with your sweet daughters.

[Jasew]

You are not a bad mother.

I am a father and can relate to where you are at. There are times that when my children that do not live with me are supposed to come over, I find it to be an incredible struggle to bring myself to go get them or I'll make up some silly excuse not to do so.

Keep your chin up and it will come around for you.

[Shadowed2Long]

I won't say that I know exactly how you are feeling, because nobody could know that. But, I can say that I've been there and that I can relate. I went through months, when my children were young, not wanting to get out of bed. If a friend, a grandmother figure in their lives, hadn't been present to help, I would have lost them. It was that bad.

I never stopped loving them with all my heart, but it was like I was paralyzed from the effects of depression. It's almost as if the disease robs you of who you really are. It changes you into a person, even you don't recognize. However, that stranger will eventually disappear, maybe in weeks, maybe not for months, but it will happen. Finding a good doctor, and an effective medication, definitely can speed up the healing process--but you must try to develop some degree of patience. I won't confide how long it took me to find that drug which finally provided relief.

The point is, it can and will happen. I still experience bouts of severe depression (in between my usual hypo-manic periods), but I also have learned tricks to make things more bearable. The main one is that I must force myself to get off my rear and do things. I know that if I do not, I will remain in the mud. Often, it is almost impossible, but I have seen--over and over again--what occurs if I sit and allow the "monster" to take control. See, I've been fighting this for 29 years. It remains a daily challenge, except now I know that it is one which is surmountable.

I wish you the best. Please be patient with yourself. Take things one step at a time--even one minute at a time, if necessary. You can do it!

[RenjiCat]

Thank you everyone! I just dropped my girls back off with their dad. I really tried this weekend... I put on my "happy face", smiled and laughed, tried my best to stay engaged with my girls. I think I was successful, but I couldn't shake the funk. At least Mama left me alone. Secretly, I was comforted that it drizzled during the parade. Sounds bad but misery does love company. I was doing ok today, but then I dropped my girls off and my ex-husband cornered me. He asked if I had found a job, and I knew what was coming next...or so I thought. I told him I hadn't yet fully expecting the next words out of his mouth to be, "well I need money for the girls". He didn't say that though, instead he asked if I was even looking. Of course I'm looking, you ***** (my response in my head). Then he asked if he could claim both girls on his income tax this coming year. Our divorce decree and PPP states that we each claim one girl each (he claims the oldest and I the youngest). My initial thought was "yes".. after all I don't really support the girls. In the PPP I'm supposed to pay so much a month but we never went by it (I lost my job and I've never really gotten on my feet enough), but I always gave him what I could when needed. (yet another way I fail the girls as a mother laying my claim as worst mother). He claims he wants to use the money towards bills for the girls (ortho). So my initial thought was that this was a way of "making up for not paying consistently". Then, like a switch, I instantly thought "hell no!" He knows the agreement- one each! It's not my fault he's over extended himself by getting engaged ($4000 engagement ring), plus took them (his new fiance, her two girls and our two girls) all to Florida on vacation, now a big wedding. I'm NOT paying for (or contributing towards) HIS wedding! NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!!!! Then again, this is supposed to be for the girls...and that's what the money from the taxes IS actually for.. it's not meant for me, but for the girls. This back and forth went on the whole ride home... my teeth clenched, hands tight on the steering wheel. Even after I got home I ranted to myself as I did a few chores. Then I called my boyfriend and as I talked to him I came up with what I feel like is a good compromise. My thought, at the moment, is not to let him claim my youngest. Instead, ask him to give me a copy of the bill he wants to payoff. Then I can pay it directly. That way I know that it's really going towards the girls and NOT his friggin' wedding! If he truly wants the money for the reason he claims then he shouldn't have any problem with this! Any thoughts?

[Victoria'smom]

I'm happy you stood up for yourself! I really feel you should claim one of them. That way you can budget the money for when they see you. IE. $100 for clothes 2x a year, $50 each to decorate there room (new blanket, pillows whatever), $100 each for Christmas, $50 each for birthday/party. If your getting $2000 that would leave you a little over $50 a visit to do mother daughter things. Then you could use that money when you see they need new shoes, or daily thing they need/want at your house.

If they are old enough buying something small from each fundraiser, celebrating a good report card, paying girl scout dues, sports or spending money on food while on a girl-scout trip or on the way home from a sports event with friends. If they are younger diapers and wipes.

You have a chance to see that the money does go towards their "extra" needs. You only have a limited amount of time with them, they should not see you struggle with their basics, or think they can only ask their dad for things. They and you have a right to build a healthy happy relationship but that does take some money. Please Shield your children from worrying about your finances when you can.

[Manic Trance]

I also often feel terrible for exposing my daughter to my moods. I try to contain them, but it is difficult, and I know she notices. I agree with Miguel, you are not a bad mother because you are trying to better yourself! That is such a powerful example, and you are helping us by sharing.
Thanks for your post! Continued good luck!
Sending strength.
MT