[OneDown]

So while in the midst of my last (current) depressive episode, my TDoc asked me if I felt I should be hospitalized and when I said I didn't want to go to the hospital she asked "Why not?" in a way that really made me feel like she was pretty close to having me hospitalized anyways. Additionally, a friend of mine (who is also a TDoc) also suggested I consider hospitalization and suggested that I talk to my PDoc about ECT.

This recent episode was the most severe of a series of episodes over the last couple of months and was an absolute train wreck - suicide notes all drafted, time and method all picked out, friend convinced me to wait a few days before doing anything and the "rush to end it all" sort of died out (still on my mind a lot though). I'm wondering if I really should consider hospitalization and/or ECT? Both scare the daylights out of me: I have heard a lot about memory and cognitive problems resulting from ECT and the idea of hospitalization just makes me want to shut down and give up in some way, like it would mean that I had lost some important battle.

Hospitalization has the potential to be a disaster for my work and home lives: I'm a Project Manager and saying that I need to take a few days off (assuming I can get away with just that as an explanation) is going to raise eyebrows all along the chain of command and/or lad to my being replaced on my current projects. The last time I discussed the possibility of being hospitalized (during a previous episode where I was dissociating and hearing voices) with my wife, she just broke down crying. Ever since then her support has been waxing and waning and I think that anything beyond therapist and psychiatrist visits would just push her over the edge.

I feel like the walls are closing in on me and that I'm running out of options - how are hospitalizations and ECT handled these days? Could my TDoc or PDoc have me hospitalized if they sensed I might harm myself? What would that involve?

Sorry if this came out as something of a rant - I'm having racing thoughts again so my mind is all over the place

[Lauru]

Firstly, the TDoc and PDoc can commit you to a hospital if they feel you are a danger to yourself or others for up to a 72 hour hold. As to your job and wife, if you were dead, none of that would matter anyhow. So why not go into the hospital and get the help you need. It is no different than a diabetic going to the hospital due to really high blood sugar. No judgments are there. When I feel as you do and I have everything all planned out, I was sent to the hospital or took myself. It was the best thing I ever did for myself and my recovery. And let me tell you, if you kill yourself you will permanently and irrecoverably hurt and damage your wife and anyone else close to you. It will devastate them. And if you have kids, they will be much more likely to kill themselves in the future when trying to deal with their problems. Please don't leave behind a legacy of death and destruction. People care about you, whether you believe it or not. I care about you. I know what it feels like to be there, know that you are valuable and we here at PC care about you very much. You are not alone in this. Ever.

[roads]

Hey, OneDown. There wasn't a single sentence in your post that came out as a rant. It was well & clearly stated.
So, too, was Lauru's post.

I've been in the psych unit of a local hospital for a month. It was a "voluntary" admission but I would have been committed if I hadn't cooperated. I was a mess; even so it was not an easy decision. I went, tho, because the only thing I was sure of was that I was at my wit's end. I had to get fixed or I had to end it all.

If you're anywhere near that point, then what anyone else feels or may do if you go into the hospital is not what you can do anything about. It shouldn't be an issue. Lauru is so right: If you kill yourself, you will do irreparable damage to the people you're worried about.

Assume suicide is out. That leaves hospital. Go. Let the other people handle their feelings. You'll be surprised how strong some people can be when they need to be.

I came out of my hospital stay with a new diagnosis, new meds, & an entirely new outlook on my life. My friends & co-workers were a bit distant, cautious at first. As days then weeks passed, they experienced a "me" they liked better & trusted more.

You getting better can happen only if you will put yourself first.

It's not selfish. It will be hard work on your part, but the payoff is terrific.

[Secretum]

((One Down)) I understand. I've never been hospitalized, and the prospect scares me. I've lied about how sui I feel to my pdoc and tdoc because I'm afraid they'll force me to go inpatient. And the times when I have come close to making an attempt, the nights when I was scared of myself? The times when any sensible person would get emergency help? I'd make excuses to myself to avoid getting it.

You and I have been lucky. We are both still alive, and haven't caused our bodies irreversible harm from failed sui attempts. We can't continue to gamble with our lives and health. From what you've posted, you need intense help now.

You said that going to the hospital would make you feel like you've "lost an important battle". Well, dying would mean losing the war. Being really sick does not make you a weak or bad person. Like Lauru said, if you had pneumonia you would not be ashamed to get help. The line between physical and mental illness is arbitrary. I've heard it said that the difference between neurology and psychiatry is that neuro treats brain illnesses that are well understood, while psych treats brain illnesses that are somewhat more mysterious. We really are not any different than neuro patients (who are accepted as having a physical illness that they cannot control). Eventually medicine will know how bipolar disorder develops, will have physical tests to determine its presence and severity (like brain scans), and we will have treatments that are more targeted and (hopefully) successful.

As Lauru also wisely said, your wife and job will not matter to you if you are dead. Your wife made a vow to you-"in sickness and in health". If she judges you for having an illness, then that is her problem. Perhaps you could get couples counseling. As for your job...it is highly likely that this episode is impacting your functioning and productivity. Once you get it under control, you can return to work recovered.

Feel better and stay safe.

[lad007]

Can you see if you can be admitted next week and stay in over the holiday? That way you won't have to miss so many days at work. You have to take care of yourself, the hospital isn't so bad. When I was no longer suicidal I left, only stayed in a week. If it's a voluntary admit you can determine your stay, unless you are actively having suicidal thoughts you can go home. Other hospitals may be different but that's how the one in my town works.
It helps to be around others that are struggling, I felt quite comfortable to not have to put on an act around coworkers and family and try to pretend I was well, when I was not.
Take care.

[AniManiac]

Originally Posted by Secretum

((One Down)) I understand. I've never been hospitalized, and the prospect scares me. I've lied about how sui I feel to my pdoc and tdoc because I'm afraid they'll force me to go inpatient. And the times when I have come close to making an attempt, the nights when I was scared of myself? The times when any sensible person would get emergency help? I'd make excuses to myself to avoid getting it.

Me too. I'm more terrified of being hospitalized than almost anything else, and many years ago, I covered up sui attempts so that I wouldn't get sent involuntarily. It never even occurred to me to get emergency help.

Moving forward, however, I'm taking this stuff a little more seriously...

[OneDown]

I'm feeling a little "better" now that I'm in a mixed-state. Irritated as all heck and getting flashes of thoughts in my mind about taking "drastic" steps to annoyances (like the thought of drilling a hole in my head to relieve a headache). I feel drained by this latest episode - I'm not bouncing out of it like I have in some past episodes. I don't feel like doing anything anymore.

Me pre-hospitalization~terrified of hospital

Me post-hospitalization~not terrified of hospital

I was so terrified of the hospital and psych ward before I had been there, really it wasn't that bad in my case. I was really scarred of going also because I am a single mother with three kids. But things work out, they do.

Just make sure you take care of yourself, do what you need to do to get well. That is really what matters most right now.

[OneDown]

Saw my PDoc today, covered all my depression, thoughts etc. She didn't mention hospitalization as being something to consider (like my TDoc did), but she has suggested setting up as much structure at home as possible (clearly defined wake up/bed times, consistent work times, going to the office more to be around other people, to name a few).

Meds got increased again, which puts me at 300mg Lamictal, 225mg Wellbutrin, 200mg Luvox, and 2mg Lorazepam as needed. Wellbutrin may be increased to 300mg in December, depending on how I react to the new dosage.

Good thing there are no mosquitoes out at this time of year here in the NE, any that bit me would end up drinking a liquid pharmacy!

Hahah on the mosquitoes!
Hope your med change and using more structure both work well for you.

[Anneinside]

I have been sui, I've attempted, I've been hospitalized. Many times.

Last night I went to my support group and the facilitator told us that Danny killed himself. Everyone was stunned. I'm stunned.

If you are in trouble, go to the hospital. Don't stun people.