[Switch]

Title says it all. I'm really strugling not to stop taking my meds. Lately I've been feeling so... emotionless. Not like a zombie or anything, just like I've not been letting myself feel. I don't think this is the new meds, because I felt the same way before, but a lot of me is missing the crazy feelings that come with BP. I find myself missing some of my darkest depressions and highest manias simply because I miss how intense they were feelings wise.

I've been talking about this in another thread - my new inability to have emotion - and I'm really just craving having it back.

I just wanted to put that out there. I don't think I'm in danger right now, mostly because I don't want to disappoint my mother. That sounds pathetic, but there you have it. She means the world to me, and I know all she wants is for me to be healthy again.

Does anyone else understand, or have I just become an attention-seeking loser who misses being sick? I'm not saying I'm better, I have far to many other issues (not advertised because they're not diagnosed) to be better, but I am on the road to recovery. Why this new urge to take steps back!?

I'm going to stop posting for the night. I think it's making it worse...

[BlackPup]

You are not alone. I have lost count of the times I have stopped my meds but it was never good news. Keep taking your meds but talk with your pdoc about what you are feeling, maybe you need to change something. Hope you feel better soon

[mommyof2girls]

Please continue to take your meds.....Talk to your pdoc to let them know how you are feeling maybe a med check is in order......

[lad007]

I miss it too, you are not alone.
I feel think the most boring, blunted person on the planet.
Sometimes I can't even cry when sad things happen.
Just a robot doing what I am told and going through the day all stable and boring.

[jaxter23]

You aren't alone and you're not an "attention seeking loser." Its weird, but sometimes I feel like I need the intense emotion too. Kinda just to feel alive I guess? I'm not sure how to explain that, but feeling like you are in limbo is no fun either. I think it says a lot about who you are that you don't want to stop because you don't want to disappoint your mother. I don't want to stop because I don't want to hurt mine anymore. My meds have helped me snap less, but I just changed my done and now I feel very anxious and unsure about my emotions. I think you should def stay on them, but tell your pdoc how you are feeling and the temptation to go off them. I plan on telling mine that today. I hope you stay on them and I hope you feel better

[Miss Laura]

Hey there,

Nope your not alone. I have stopped mines many of times. Never a good thing. How you feeling now?

[Switch]

Okay, so I finally got that intense emotion I wanted: Rage, frustration, self hatred, and depression.

Ever since I started these I've been staying up late because of them, but then when I do sleep I can't wake up until I've had 11-14 hours of sleep (Not an exaggeration). I set 5 alarms to get up in the morning, and I didn't hear any of them. I set 2 to get out the door because I have class, and they went off 10 min after I got up. I can't do this any more. I want my day back!!

I hate that I can't stop sleeping, and that I can't get up, or get to class like a normal person. I've got a test in this class next week, on a subject that I barely know, and this is going to me my 2nd class missed out of 3! I can't do this anymore I hate this!! I can't stop eating!! I wish I could just sleep, and eat, and go outside without freaking out like a normal person.

Sure there's been some good side effects. When I'm awake, I'm awake and not falling asleep on my feet (like I am usually with a good nights rest), and my joints don't hurt. I really appreciate that because I'm use to being in constant pain and now it's just a stiffness every now and then. But it's not worth it. I'd take the pain and the sleeping all back if I could just fracking wake up!!

I talked to my mom when I woke up, and she said we'd talk about it. She was serious... that makes me worry.

Cheers to the expressive colors...

[Miss Laura]

I hear you!!!

I have to have 10-14 hours sleep and I am not working or at school. I doin't know how I am going to cope when I have to work.

I hope your Mom can help you. My Mum wakes me up most days as I can't get up on my own and usually she is has to get to the stage of actually shouting at me to get me up. I am a complete zombie in the mornings

[grandmaof3]

You may need your meds changed. A few years ago I tried Cymbalta for my depression. I took it for 2 months before I stopped. It was making me not care about anything. Not sad, not happy. Just there. Flat. You need to talk to your pdoc about how you are feeling.

[Confusedinomicon]

Can you print this topic out and give it to your pdoc?

There is a chance that you may need a med change and it may also mean that the symptoms you presented to your doctor did not encompass the full scope of the problems you're having. You might also look into something mindful/therapeutic. Doing yoga, meditating or having a creative out lit can help relieve stress.

[sugahorse1]

I had this exact same thought last night. But for me it's a case of frustration. That things will never be perfect. The realisation that I'm looking for a miracle drug that doesn't exist. There will always be issues. I'll never be 100% "healthy"

[Switch]

I'm still trying to get a pdoc. I have another intake appointment at the end of Feb to see a bipolar specialist and see if he can see me more than just once. But printing this off is a good idea. I think I will.

I'm trying to do more mindfulness things. I've started working out (i really don't want to get weight gain!), and I'm going to start meditating. I have a CD that I'm going to start using again, and DrFrank pointed out a good way to meditate (http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=214518) that put meditation into perspective for me.

I'm going to try really hard to beat all of this, but I'm going to try and get off of these as soon as possible.

[Switch]

Originally Posted by sugahorse

I had this exact same thought last night. But for me it's a case of frustration. That things will never be perfect. The realisation that I'm looking for a miracle drug that doesn't exist. There will always be issues. I'll never be 100% "healthy"

I missed this when I wrote my above reply, but I thought I would address this. (sorry I sound so 'proper'. I'm doing a lot of work with old english and it's rubbing off!)

I think we all need to keep this in mind. I don't think there is such a thing as "the miracle drug" either. Though I do think it is possible to be 100%, I don't think it's going to be from just meds. We (the collective of those with mental health issues) have to keep in mind that a lot of how we're going to get better is willpower and determination.

Now if only there was a med to give us more willpower!

[Confusedinomicon]

e.e!!! Hearing that coming from you makes me very excited.

When you say such a thing, you are allowing yourself to be empowered. I wish I had known this a few years ago when I started my journey on this difficult world.

I guess it is easier for people who do not have chronic illnesses along with the BP, since there is a high co-morbidity of that happening. However, I feel like there are better outcomes when you take the extra step to learn coping mechanisms (mindfulness too) that help you progress as a person. Also support helps a lot.

[Switch]

Support is a definit! I'm having difficulty with that one recently. I use to have a whole "system" of friends and family who I could go to in times of trouble and crisis. Now that number has dwindled. Surprisingly the reasons have been because I did not lean on them, instead of leaning on them too much!

There's a quote I pulled off of someone's signature: "Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal." -Albert Camus. I really liked that, and although it's sad, it is also true. If you can, try and take it in a positive and motivating light: you are not the only one who has to do this! And it is also a validation that yes, you do have to put energy into being "normal".

[dazeofdolphins]

I have stopped taking my meds before with bad results - mood swings, hospitalization, etc. Try to work with your doc and compromise if possible. Different med combinations can do amazing things.

[Switch]

I've found my symptoms are getting worse the more I'm weening off of lamotrigine. I just finished my last of it today. :/ We'll see how the next month goes. I'm worried as I need to be productive this month, but I promised my mom I would hold off until my next appointment. I'm trying to convince myself that the hell of these meds are nothing compared to the hell without them.

[New Gel]

You are definitely not alone here! I too am in the same boat. I feel nothing at all and I am sick of it. I miss my old lively, witty, charming self who had a lust for life that would not quit.

I'm so torn because though my meds have transformed me into a completely new person, a person that I am still getting to know, they have made me a calmer, saner, more stable person.

I don't know what is worse, feeling everything so intensely or not feeling anything at all.

I definitely don't miss the dangerous side of my manic episodes. With that said I think chosing to stay mediacted is the right choice... when you find the right combo.

Talk to your doctor and therapist (if you have one), let them know how you feel. Let your mother be a constant reminder that you have something to keep fighting for.

Hope this helps.

[Sophia57]

I do not take meds. For over 7 years. Except occasionally when something really bad hits, like my father dying. But I would never tell anyone to stop. Because it took me years of stopping and flipping out to realize you can't just stop without dire consequences. There are some really good books out about the things you can do for bipolar to be more proactive. Like exercise, identifying triggers and accountability. And sleep and journaling moods and structure that you keep or go back on the meds. If you just go off, no matter who bland you feel, you will end up feeling even worse and regretting it.

So get proactive. I've heard "Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder: A 4-Step Plan for You and Your Loved Ones to Manage the Illness and Create Lasting Stability" by Julie A Fast and John Preston, as one good book to help. I read another book they wrote and it really helped me.

Please don't just go off. It is a process, and some people never achieve it. And I do not hesitate to take meds if I need them. My pdoc and I have agreed I can manage my meds, he trusts me not to over medicate or go without if I need them. But it is a tough road. And some people really can NEVER get off the meds. But then you have to learn acceptance, because this is a disease, and most people need to be treated. Hope you can figure it out.

[dazeofdolphins]

Temptation acceptable. Advice: DON'T DO IT! It can mess you up for months. I've been there. The hospitalizations and mood swings are not worth it.

[AniManiac]

Originally Posted by Switch

I've found my symptoms are getting worse the more I'm weening off of lamotrigine. I just finished my last of it today. :/ We'll see how the next month goes. I'm worried as I need to be productive this month, but I promised my mom I would hold off until my next appointment. I'm trying to convince myself that the hell of these meds are nothing compared to the hell without them.

Just remember, getting back on lamotrigine will be just as slow as the first time if you completely discontinue...

But if it proves to you that you do (or don't) need meds, then that peace of mind may well be worth it.